Sample Best Man Stories (For more, see the canonical set of jokes linked in below)
Quotes on the lighter side of marriage
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
More marriage quotes
Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- Borge
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
University courses for Men & Women
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Just Give Us Credit Cards)
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch
Football
8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have
Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach
His Slop
10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
Types of Boy/Girlfriends
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
The 9 Types of Girlfriends
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my
handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed
weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
Some commentary on wedding behavior...
It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (DO NOT include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the brides parents, it is NOT necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).
Wifespeak <=> English translations
------------------------------------
* You want <=> You want
* We need <=> I want
* It's your decision <=> The correct decision should be obvious by now
* Do what you want <=> You'll pay for this later
Wedding & Marriage (From the Canonical sets of jokes section of the archive-- 355 Kilobytes in size. Very large, but has almost everything)
- Jackie Mason