Wedding Jokes
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The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal -
- a little bit of breast
- a little bit of leg
..... and a lot of stuffing !!!
Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.
Forecast for Wedding...
Expected development of Warm front, with extreme
turbulence and moisture in lower regions.
Good possibility of six inches overnight.
Sun(son) is expected later on.
Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch instalments.
Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently
and She'll last for many years.
If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.
Hope you honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass,
One long hard route.
Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days,
or you will get a Weak End (Weekend).
Take heed from those who know
Tie you nightie to your toes
Close your eyes - hold your nose
Then see how it goes...
Dont keep him in the dog house too often or he might give
his bone to the woman next door.
Treat him like a flower...
grab him by the stalk.
We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow the
black leather boots and bull whip ?
Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes
you Frisky, but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you
Pregnant.
Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be
an Off-Spring next Spring.
Cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo of
Bride and Groom Mounted.
Congatulations - rots of ruck - sideways is great.
Confucious say man who sink into womans arms soon have arms
in womans sink.
Don't buy your bed from Grace Brothers (Myers) they stand
behind everthing they sell.
Hope all your Tries are not converted.
Remember Pearl Harbour... Have fun before the nips come.
A honeymoon should be like a table...
Four bare legs and no drawers.
"I was engaged myself once. To a contortionist. But she broke it off."
Go west young man, get up the Darling as far as you can.
And the story of the man who called his son Vendetta, because he
always had it in for him...
"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you
never get to prove it."
Congratulations and best wishes on this very special day.
Love
Bill and Mary Farkin
and the whole farkin family.
The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've
found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do
you want from me, sympathy?"
Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be...
Firstly, The Marriage Game,
Followed by, Great Temptation,
The Untouchables,
Mission Impossible,
The Time is Right,
Rawhide and Bonanza.
They were married on the cricket field, that night they were
quite wicket, the bride said a happy smile, I'm sure
this can't be cricket.
A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you,
so don't forget to chalk his cue and the first game you
play make sure it's at the end of the day.
Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled
in each others stern line, recommended inter between course
69 STOP
Happy voyage, bottoms up.
Congratulations on finding a socket outlet for your plug
Advice to submariners - if torpedo overheats, load tube,
go deep and eject.
May the Blue bird of happiness crap all over your wedding cake.
Confucious say wife for life is better than wife for strife.
Don't be too liberal at the country party or you'll wind up in
Labor.
She offered her honour,
He honoured her offer,
and all night he was on her and off her.
Be sure to tie your nightie to your toes, 'cos you know
where the wild goose goes.
Sorry I can't make your wedding, I'm half full under the table.
Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may
I express an appreciation of your determination to end the
desperation and frustration which has caused you so much
consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a
combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
From the [local name] football club -
We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck.
After a moment of quite repose
It's tum to tum and toes to toes
After a moment of sheer delight
It's back to back for the rest of the night.
Dear {bride},
Isn't it funny how history repeats itself?
{Age of bride} years ago your mum and dad were putting you
to bed with a dummy - and now it's happening all over again!
This guy is getting married and he is a bit nervous since he is not too
experienced. So he asks his best man to come along on the honeymoon and
give a few pointers. The best man exclaims, "come on man, its your
honeymoon, you're supposed to be spending time with your wife, not your
best friend!" To which the groom replies that he has already paid for a
room next door to his for the best man. After much coercion, the best
man give in and decides to go along. They work out a system where the
best man will pound on the wall and shout advice if he hears anything
going wrong. So they honeymoon comes and goes, and the bride and groom
go to the honeymoon suite of the hotel, and the best man goes to his
room next door. After a few moments, the bride gets undressed, but the
groom gets so nervous he runs into the bathroom and locks the door.
After about five minutes of waiting, the bride says, "honey, are you
coming out, I have to go to the bathroom!" The groom replies, "I will
be out in a few minutes, hon, I'll be ready soon." After a few more
minutes, the bride can't take it any longer, so she rummages under the
bed where all the wedding gifts are stashed, grabs a box, unwraps it,
pulls out the fondue pot, shits in it, wipes with the tissue paper,
closes it and shoves it under the bed. Just then the groom, having
summoned his manly nerve walks out of the bathroom. The bride, being
feminine and all, goes into the bathroom to stall for a few minutes so
the groom won't know what she did. The groom, sitting on the bed
*sniff* notices this awful smell! *sniff* *sniff*
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! *sniff* What can that be? He looks under
the bed, finds the box, pulls it out and exclaims, "honey, There's SHIT
in your BOX!!" *pounding on the wall* The best man yells, "turn her over,
turn her over!"
One time, before a friend's wedding reception, we passed out keys (blanks)
to several girls (and even one guy). Before some toasts were made, the best
man said to the guests, "Now that Jim is married, it is probably a
good idea to have any of you girls out there with a key to his apartment
to turn it in now." Then the pre-selected girls (about a dozen of them)
slowly walked up and handed in their keys as they made bedroom-eyes at him and
flirted a bit. Then the guy walked up, turned in the key, and kissed the
groom on the cheek while grabbing his butt. It's probably not original,
but it worked pretty well.
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was
speeding down Main Street. "But, officer," the man began,
"I can explain--"
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let
you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say--"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner
and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."
As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind:
aisle, altar, hymn.
It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is
sure to find out next morning it was someone else. -- Rogers
If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. -- Chekhov
The most happy marriage I can picture would be the
union of a deaf man to a blind woman. -- Coleridge
Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as
happy in the arms of a chambermaid as a duchess. -- Dr. Johnson
If a man hears much that a woman says, she is not
beautiful. -- Haskins
A man does not look behind the door unless he has
stood there himself. -- Du Bois
A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of
the house. -- Moliere
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a
confusion of the real with the ideal never goes
unpunished. -- Goethe
In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved.
-- Butler
A woman may very well form a friendship with a man,
but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little
physical antipathy. -- Nietzsche
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us
from achieving them. -- Dumas
Nature has given women so much power that the law has
very wisely given them little. -- Dr. Johnson
The great question... which I have not been able to
answer... is, "What does a woman want? -- Freud
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside
desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get
out. -- Montaigne
For a male and female to live continuously together
is... biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural
condition. -- Robert Briffault
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your
life paying for it. -- Baskins
A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.
A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.
Marriage is an institution -- but who wants to live in one?
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of
person your spouse would have really preferred.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope
over experience.
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
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