The following guidelines were given to me prior to proposing to my
girlfriend. Use what you need and THROW out what doesn't pertain to you.
ANNOUNCEMENT:
It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding
in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph
of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of
the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (DO NOT include
elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current
employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the
brides parents, it is NOT necessary to specify where in the house you
will reside).
INVITATIONS:
Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of
free stuff, you MUST send out invitations! They do not have to be
lengthy. Something like "You are invited to watch ____ and ____ make
it legal on ______." will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so
formal you can always run down to the local bar and yell "If you aint
doing nothin' on _____ why don't you stop by my house for a cold one
about 2 o'clock. Me and ____'s having some friends over to watch the
ball game and witness our wedding."
PROPER ATTIRE:
For the bride, the key words are "be conservative." No matter how good
it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned
with fringe. Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is
NOT the occasion to show the world how big "THEY" are.
For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute courture, but if it means the
difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, concider some
alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean
work shirt can create a natty appearence. And though possibly
uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
THE CEREMONY:
No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the
alter. At the point in the ceremony that says, "If anybody has any
reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony..." tell
the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and
talk too much. As the ceremony is concluded, you and ____ should
realize that a short kiss will do. This is neither the time nor the
place to demonstrate your sexual expertise to the world. That's why
the video camera was invented.
RECEPTION:
Remember to reserve the UAW hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays,
since that's bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to
wipe their feet before entering the hall. After all the cleaning
deposit can be the difference between an oil change and a full tune-up
for the car.
When dancing never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is!!
COMMON WEDDING QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS:
Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: NOT if you are the groom.
Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
A: At least one within a week of the wedding.
Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A: Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post".
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