BAD KITTY!
This is a list of phrases cat owners should get their naughty pets to
write on a blackboard a la Bart Simpson. If you could get them to write...
Send more suggestions to Harold Reynolds, reynolds@geog.utoronto.ca
NOTE: There is a companion "Bad Dog/Bad Human List" posted in rec.pets.dogs.
This list is also available at http://geog.utoronto.ca/reynolds/humour.html.
First posting: September 20, 1993. Latest update: [April 4, 1995].
A * indicates additions/changes from the previous posting.
A. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs,
shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord,
vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human
drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly;
used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food.
2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30
a.m., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.
3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new
speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.
4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the
tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big
people's shoes, bathtub, my Dad's collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers,
marble floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble).
5. I will not climb the [xxx].
Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts.
6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.
Tissues, my toy mouse, the house plants, half-digested food.
7. I will not hide [xxx].
Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet; Dad's condoms.
8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.
Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human's
toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear, poodle in the house.
9. [xxx] is not cat food.
Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food, tea.
10. [xxx] is not a bed.
The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the
people's wedding, piano strings, Mommy's sock drawer, the inside of the
antique radio, the car, the electric organ, the computer keyboard.
11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.
The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons;
toilet paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human's toes; my human's penis (see
"Robin Williams, Live at the Met"); Christmas tree ornaments; the produce
ripening on the kitchen counter; Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; my poop; any
food, whether wrapped in something or not; the sheets; the computer mouse;
Mommy's snow white lace garter from her wedding with the beautiful tasty
maribou feathers on it;
12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].
Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage.
13. I will not hump the [xxx].
Mommy's clean laundry; Uncle Peter's pillow; the foot of Grandma's bed; on
top of the washing machine; on the arm of the sofa; any damned place in the
house that's soft enough. (This is NOT a joke--my sister's cat Pesto, aka
Gingy, did EXACTLY this sort of thing for several months before, and even
after, being neutered.)
14. I will not jump onto the [aaa] to knock over the [bbb] or I will be [ccc]
(if they can ever catch me, that is).
aaa - fireplace mantel, counter top, window box, entertainment center
bbb - wedding album, vases, dishes, house plant, curios
ccc - scolded, locked in the basement, (shot, punted, terrorized)*
*(These are jokes! I only THINK of doing these things. God, how I think
of these!
B. Others
a) ---Food/Water---
-I will not wake my human up at 3 a.m. for breakfast.
-I will not peel and eat the raw potatoes that are in the basement.
-The human's food is not meant to be shared with me.
-I CAN eat a variety of different kinds of cat food.
-Other cats' food belongs to *other* cats.
-The dog food belongs to the dogs.
-Mummy's earlobes are not treats.
-Mummy's students' papers are not prey. (Silly students... they want to know
why they get teethmarks back with their comments...)
-We do not kill our prey in the house.
-We do not leave bits and pieces of our prey on stoves, beds or kitchen
counters.
-I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat. Neither are silk plants.
-Hanging potted plants are not meat either, so I will stop devising ways of
getting to them.
-The toilet is not a good place from which to drink water.
-If I don't eat all the kibbles at once, I won't barf later.
-I will not snitch dinner from the humans.
-I do not need to be spoon fed.
-I will not jump on the kitchen counter and make off with the roast beef (or
the roast chicken).
-I will not climb my human's leg to get tuna fish.
-I will not reset my human's alarm clock by walking on it.
-I will not drink the bathwater while my human is taking a bath.
-I will not lick at the faucet to encourage my human to turn on the drinking
water.
-If I beg for food I will eat it.
-I will not fight over the catnip.
-I will not put my paw into the boiling water to snag a cooking shrimp.
-I will not topple the spice rack going for the catnip.
-I CAN eat canned cat food in flavors other than tuna.
-I will not dribble/spew/otherwise expectorate canned cat food all over the
kitchen while I eat, thus giving Mommy one more giant mess to clean up.
-I will wait for Mommy to finish eating her Cheerios in the morning before
I commence to drink all the milk out of the cereal bowl.
-Mommy can cook bacon *without* my help.
-Macaroni and cheese and chocolate cake are both *people* food.
-When I finish my supper, I will not stand on the human's chest and belch in
his/her face.
-I will not start annoying the human to feed me until it's "only" 2 hours until
suppertime - and when I am fed, I won't ignore it or try to "cover it up".
-I am not a goat. I will snack on only what is in my food dish and leave the
plants, paper, plastic, string, etc, alone.
-I will not bring in my friend to share my food. [seriously -- our cat --
neutered female -- has a friend -- entire Tom -- who she brings in EVERY DAY
to share her meals and the other facilities of our house. He is an outdoor
cat who would obviously like promotion.]
-I *can* wait until after 6:00 am to be fed on the weekends.
-Carrot juice is not a feline beverage.
-Melons are not kitty popsicles.
-The canned cat food is already dead. I don't need to kill it by swatting bits
of it all over the floor.
-I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
-I will not eat the *whole* bag of algae wafers that Mom just bought for her
pleco. (Plecostomus, sucker-mouthed catfish, an algae-eater--ed.)
-When I "ask" for one more tidbit of your garlic chicken, I will try to keep my
tail out of your food.
-I will not stampede to the food bowl with the other cat(s), demanding to be
fed, when a human walks in its general direction.
-I will not lick condensation off the windows.
-Cats do not like beer.
-Licking or batting the empty food dish around will not make food appear.
-Licking the sofa does not provide me with nourishment.
-I will not tear into the bag of cat food just to see if it the same as what is
in my dish.
b) ---High-tech---
-I will not jump on the break key when my human is on the modem.
-I will not faithfully chase the cursor around the screen.
-I will not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
-I am not transparent: I shouldn't sit in front of the TV screen.
-Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
-I will not turn off the answering machine when I play, which greatly upsets my
human and destroys her already impaired social life.
-I will not knock over the stacks of CDs.
-I will not call someone on the phone. (Yes, this happened. 1) Step on the
speaker button 2) Step on speed dial button)
-I will not (hang up the phone|press the buttons) when the human is on the
phone.
-I will not press the reset button on the computer.
-I will not walk on the keyboard.
-I will not step on the (volume control|channel changer|power button) on the
(stereo|VCR|TV) remote. (I make sure they point away from the item in
question to avoid this after the stereo started getting really loud seemingly
on its own one morning.)
-The vacuum cleaner is my *friend*.
-I will not head butt the control pad/joystick when the human is 10 seconds
away from completing a game after 2 hours work, when on his last man.
-I will not demonstrate my intelligence by playing with the alarm clock and a)
turning on the alarm in the middle of the night, b) turning off the alarm so
my human doesn't wake up, c) changing the time. If I do this, my human will
be angry, not impressed.
-I will not bat ewirvmdsjut0958 at the keys of Mom's computer, and expect
treats to come out of the back (why else would Mom spend hours sitting at the
stupid thing).
-I will not jump up on the microwave and push the phone off with my paw.
-I will not toggle Mommy's word processor from insert to overtype mode.
-I will not call Mom's mother-in-law long distance at 2 a.m.
c) ---Other Critters---
-The black animal with white stripes is not a plaything.
-I recognize that you brought that other cat home as a friend for me and not as
a target of guerrilla attacks.
-The other cats are not chew toys.
-Rottweilers are not to be f**ked with.
-Rottweilers can be f**ked with only if your aim is accurate enough to land a
claw on the tongue. (Again, my Calico did this and our Rot no longer f**ks
with cats. We thought she was going to have to have stitches.)
-A covered up bird cage is not a bed.
-Birds LIKE to KEEP their tailfeathers.
-I will not set next to the bird cages licking my chops while they thrash
about.
-I will not attack another cat while his/her head is sticking out of the litter
box.
-The other cat does not like it when I play with her tail.
-I will not harass the gerbils/hamsters/guinea pigs.
-The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its
bowl.
-I will not have urine wars with the new cat in the house on the kitchen
counter.
-I will wait until my human's bird-loving girlfriend leaves before bringing in
a half-dead, still chirping, baby bird.
-I will not stalk my neighbor's cocker spaniel and scare it half to death.
-I will not round up my neighbour's sheep. (Hard to believe, but earlier this
year I found N.D.F., one of our big black and white males, had rounded up one
neighbour's flock of fifty sheep into a corner of their paddock. He didn't
seem to know what to do with them next, so I left him to it...)
-Mom will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that.
-Now that I'm neutered, I will no longer chase and mount the spayed female
cats.
-I will not attack whatever dog comes innocently sniffing around the bushes at
the front of the house.
-I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with
my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in. (My eldest
cat has done this for *years*...)
-The cockatiel *likes* to be left in his cage.
-The cockatiel cage is not an indoor tree.
-Walking around the house with cockatiel feathers in my mouth is not funny.
-The German Shepherd is not to be ridden on or attacked at random. (Again, my
eldest did this for years, until the dog died...)
-I will not try to taste the gerbils when Mom is holding one.
-Fish that jump out of the tank are not toys.
-Snakes do not taste good.
-I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
-I will not catch mice to give to the dog to eat.
-We will not torment the dog by jumping off the fridge and landing on him.
-Lizards *need* their tails, and I do not have to capture them to bring home
and drop into Mommy's shoes when she's not looking. (This was a former
roommate's cat, who, in addition to lizard tails, would stalk and kill
avocados for Mommy as well, bringing them home with only 1 small bite taken
out of them.)
-The (110 lb husky cross) dog is not a pillow.
-I will not bring home live prey, and then release it inside the house, so I
can show the humans my hunting technique.
-Sometimes, the yellow-and-black flying bugs [bee!] bite *back*! (Fortunately,
no damage other than severe Loss Of Dignity).
-I will not pounce on the mosquito hawk bugs and then wonder why they don't get
up and play some more.
-Garden lizards and toads make a cat very sick if bitten.
-I will not torment dogs by staring at them when they are being walked on a
leash.
-While I am in the ICU for the second time due to things I ate that I wasn't
supposed to, I will not pull my IV's out in order to squeeze through the bars
of my cage and into the cage of my neighbor, the Yorkshire terrier, in order
to spit, hiss, and scare him so badly that he has to be in an oxygen tank for
a whole day.
-I will not try to encourage the 7-foot boa constrictor to break out of his
cage. He would not be a good playmate.
-I will not bring live snakes into the house.
-I will not put a live vole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I
get hungry.
-I will not drop a live vole at my human's foot so that it runs up her leg.
-It's OK for the other cat to use the litter box.
d) ---Games/Playing---
-I will not play "find the mouse" on the bed at midnight.
-I will not unroll all the toilet paper off the roll.
-The doorjambs are not made for climbing.
-I will not use my female human's chest as a springboard.
-The toilet paper does not exist so that I can shred it into little bits.
-The piano is for humans to play.
-The bed is not a WWF wrestling ring.
-I will not play the game "tiger attack" when Mommy is weeding the garden.
-When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch
them.
-The living room is not a jungle gym with walls and curtains to be climbed.
-The roof is not a racetrack for cats (or crows).
-The outer windowsills, on floors 3 and above, are not good playing grounds.
(Ours fell down 4 floors, limped a couple of days afterwards).
-I will not play "Charge of the Light Brigade" with the other cat in the
hallway at 3 a.m.
-I will not drag Mom's knitting around the house, unravelling it in the
process.
-I will not lurk under the bed and pounce on the unsuspecting human's feet when
s/he is getting in or out of bed.
-When humans play ball games in the garden, I will not attack and move the
balls.
-I will not leave the plastic rings from milk carton jugs in Mom and Dad's bed,
then insist that they play fetch with them in the middle of the night.
-I will not climb the wallpaper in my human's new house.
-I do not need to climb into EVERY box in the household.
-I will not play trapeze artist on the curtain rods.
e) ---Toys---
-Waste baskets do not have toys in them.
-I will not put my lovely new rabbits foot in Mummie's roller pan when it is
filled with nice pink paint AND expect her to throw it for me so I can fetch
it.
-I will not toss my poop out of the litterbox and play hockey with it.
-I will not wait until my people have visitors before I go and get a tampon
from its box and bring it downstairs to kill it.
-I will not bat every toy I own under the couch and then meow until someone
comes and gets them (at 3 a.m.) for me.
-My human's car and house keys are not toys and are certainly not something he
wishes to play search-and-find when he is late for work.
-I will not knock my toys under the refrigerator.
-All those neat catnip toys are not for me, unless they are seconds. The nice
ones Mommy is going to try to sell so that she can go to college.
-Pipe cleaners are for pipestems and are not kitty toys.
-Bundles of pipe cleaners are not Santa's gift bag.
-I will not raid the ashtray for used pipe cleaners.
-I will not steal the other cat's toys.
-I will not destroy a toy the first time I play with it.
-I will not ignore my new toy only to suddenly find it interesting at 3 a.m.
-Q-tips are not fun toys that my human puts into the trash can for me to drag
out and shred.
-There is nothing in Mommy's tote bag that needs to be hunted down and
slaughtered.
-I will not fish tomatillos out of the bowl, roll them off the counter and down
the hallway, and leave them in the bedroom for Mom to step on when she gets up
to feed me at 3 a.m.
-Habanero chiles are not toys. Neither are the St. Bernard's nice round dog
kibbles. Both are unpleasant for people to step on.
-Mommy's black suede gloves are NOT giant tarantulas that need to be killed.
f) ---Sleeping/Personal Comfort---
-I will not jump into the chair after my human gets up to do something.
-Night time is a good time to *sleep*.
-Mummy's face is not a pillow.
-A silk dress is not to be pulled off its hanger and used as a nest.
-I will not lie on my human's face in the middle of the night.
-I will not claw a hole in the sofa/box spring to make a nest.
-I will not lie down with my butt in the human's face.
-I will not knock things off the coffee table so I can lie down more
comfortably.
-I will not lie on my human's girlfriend's chest with my butt in her face.
-I will not sleep on my human's head.
-I will not sleep under the blanket on the couch so that people sit on me.
-Morning wake-up calls for breakfast will be more polite.
-I won't be grumpy anymore when being moved from the toilet lid ... my favorite
place to nap.
-A loaf of unbaked bread is not my pillow (ours once slept on the dough made
into bread and left to rise on the kitchen counter).
-I will not lie on clean laundry just after its been folded, no matter how warm
and snuggly it might appear.
-I will not climb six feet up in the fake Christmas tree, causing all the
branches to bend down, just to get a better view of the living room.
-The outdoor heating/AC unit is NOT a good place to sleep.
-Mom has the right to breathe. So I will refrain from completely covering her
face with my 15 lb body while she is sleeping. Even if her breath *is* the
warmest air in the room, I won't have it at all if I succeed in suffocating
her.
-I will not sleep INSIDE the back cushion of the sofa, even if it is fun to
pull out the padding.
-If I am allowed to snuggle under the covers with my human, I will not launch
an attack on the cat sleeping on the other side.
g) ---Bodily Functions---
-I will not throw up on highly absorbing surfaces.
-I will not jump to the top of the refrigerator and then projectile vomit all
over the kitchen. (My former roommate's cat did this on a regular basis.)
-I will not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking my butt.
-I will pee in the litter box, not on the bag with clean litter in it.
-I will cover my "presents" in the litter-box.
-I will not go to the linen closet to do my washing up when I come muddy and
wet from my outing.
-My human is a good gardener, and the plants do not need extra fertilizer.
-There are better ways to "punish" the human than whizzing on something.
-I do not need to use ALL the kitty litter to bury my poop.
-I will not act all friendly to the visiting guest, snuggle up on her chest and
then fart in her face when she is already feeling ill from a long plane
journey... (Yes, one of ours did this to my mother.)
-We will not leave our turds in Mom's shoe when she comes to visit.
-I will not drool in my sleeping human's [ear|mouth]. Yechhhh.
-I will not shake my head when I have a drop of drool hanging from my mouth.
-I will not knead my human's neck with my claws extended.
-I will not use my litter box in full view of all Mommy's dinner guests *while*
they are still eating. (These last 2 happened when I was living in a very
tiny apartment, with the litter box in the living room and the kitchen merely
an adjacent nook...)
-I will not smurgle on Mom's $120 Polartec sweatshirt.
-I will not spray my Daddy's new golf slacks when he's wearing them, even if
they do have cherry stripes and only cost 50 cents from a garage sale.
-I will not use the garage roof as a litter box.
-Noisily chewing my toenails at 3 a.m. and spitting the pieces out on the bed
annoys Mommy. I will restrain myself.
-I must not creep under the covers at night and do a whoopsie between Mom and
Dad and make them think that each other has wet the bed and then sit there
and watch the commotion.
-Mommy does not need to sniff my butt to identify me. She knows who I am.
-I will not hack up a *huge* hairball on Mommy's brand-new futon.
-I will not hack up an even *bigger* hairball into Mommy first cup of coffee in
the morning.
-I will not take a dump in Mommy's shoes or Auntie Heather's bed, even if I
*do* have a touch of diarrhea, as the litter box is no further away than
either of these other items. (Cruel, maybe, *but*...)
-I will refrain from licking my butt while sitting on anyone's lap.
-I will not spray Mommy's brand new $400 bread maker.
-I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and barf them up
so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
-I will not groom my private parts while my humans are trying to eat.
-I will make an effort to keep at least half of the litter IN the litter box.
-I will not puke up hairballs the size of a lemon in front of Mommy's blind
date. (We were sure he was dying.)
h) ---Scratching/Noise---
-The closet is a bad place to go to sharpen my claws.
-Scratching posts were meant to be used, not laughed at.
-I will not use the nicely carved kitchen table leg or the kitchen drawers as
my scratching post.
-I will not shred the carpet and the front door in a temper because I am not
allowed out at 3 am.
-My singing does not provide cultural enrichment.
-My human and her friends can sing without my assistance (a Siamese wailing is
quite something.)
-I will not yowl during Dad's bagpipe records. That is not an attacking cat.
-I will not run about the house yowling at the top of my lungs after being fed.
-A closed door is not an attack on my personal freedom. I will not scratch or
meow loudly if a door is closed. This is especially important when I have
been banished from the bedroom for bad behaviour.
-If a door is closed, I do not need to try to open it by scratching at it,
yowling, and digging at the carpet.
-I will not play the "jump and snag the door jamb 5 ft from the floor, hang,
and drop" game.
-I will not use Mommy's brand NEW overstuffed sectional as a giant scratching
post.
i) ---The Human Factor---
-Mummy's hair is not dental floss.
-I will not ask (to be fed|to be petted|to go out) when the humans are making
whoopee.
-I will not stare at the humans while they are making whoopee.
-I will not leap from great heights on to my seated human's genital region.
-I will not balance my 25 pound body on my human's full bladder.
-I will not sneak up behind my human so that when he turns around he either
trips or twists his ankle when trying to avoid stepping on me.
-I will not bother Mommy when she's practicing her suture patterns.
-I will not use my human to hide behind in hide and seek.
-I will not get on the roof, meow frantically, then claw my human as he tries
to rescue me with a ladder.
-Mommy's breasts are not pillows that need fluffing.
-I realize that the human is not trying to get away from me when she closes the
bathroom door, so I won't open it [especially] when we have guests.
-I will not zip out the front door when the delivery man comes and the house
guest answers the door, and then is forced to run all over the neighborhood
chasing the 'cat on the run' in her house coat.
-I am not an alarm clock and am not obligated to wake the humans.
-My human does not need rescuing from the bath.
-Taking a bath is not dangerous for my human.
-The doctor on a house call does not need assistance. His bag is not the
perfect hiding place.
-I will play with the humans when they want, not when I want.
-I will not leap onto visiting grandmother's shoulders by catapulting myself
from the back of a chair after getting a running start from across the room.
(Yes, my cat actually performed this circus stunt, almost sending my
grandmother into coronary care)
-I will not open the window coverings and cause the unclothed human to flash
his/her neighbors. (The little scamp likes to play on the window sill with
the vertical blinds and has done this to me.)
-I will allow the human to get back to sleep after he goes to the bathroom.
-My human is capable of grooming himself. There is no need for me to,
especially when he is trying to sleep.
-When Dad's girlfriend is reaching for him under the covers I will not pounce
on the area she is reaching for from the top of the dresser.
-I will not censor Dad's reading material by batting away the book while he
tries to read.
-I will not lie under the coffee table and hiss at all of Mommy's guests.
-I will not attempt to crawl into the salad bowl on the kitchen table while
Mommy is entertaining dinner guests (especially Mommy's musician friends whom
she is desperately trying to impress!).
-I will not hiss and spit at the vet, even though I don't like what she does to
me, because it embarrasses my Mom greatly.
-The vet is my *friend*, and only does what she does for my own good, so I will
*not* require the use of 3 veterinary assistants to hold me down in order to
keep me from ripping out her throat.
-I will not snap the underwear of my human when he is getting dressed and not
paying attention to me.
-Just because my human bends over does not mean he wants me to jump on his
back.
-I will not attack Mommy's ear just because she put me on a diet.
-I will not rush out from behind the couch all of a sudden and bury my claws in
Daddy's leg.
-I will not alter my local gravity so that my normal 10 pounds increases to
*40*.
-I will not make my feet smaller, so that they gore the human when I'm standing
on his chest/belly; particularly in combination with the above.
-I will not hide behind the commode so that I can pat the human on the backside
when he sits down just to make him levitate.
-I will not lie next to my human's ear and purr as loudly as I can to show my
devotion.
-I will not jump into the human's lap, and then see how far I can get the tip
of my tail up his nose.
-I do not need to take the dirty diaper to the diaper pail. The human is quite
able to do that himself.
-I will not go lick, lick, lick, *chomp* on the human's chin, especially when
he is trying to sleep.
-I will not commence biting my human's toes when she exits the shower.
-I will not wage full scale war on my human's head at 3 am (or 4 am or 5
am...), when she is obviously asleep.
-Considering the fact that I am 20 lbs of pure muscle (ok, maybe a *little*
flab) I acknowledge that Daddy's "family jewels" are *not* the ideal launching
pad to reach the open bedroom window. Especially, 3 o'clock in the morning.
-The pillow on the bed belongs to mommy. I am not supposed to cuddle around
mommy's head and slowly push her head off the pillow while she is sleeping.
-Daddy's eyelids are not toys to kill when they move--like when he is waking
up.
-I must not stalk my human sibling as she lies in her bed just because she has
turned out the light and stopped moving. She is not dead just trying to
sleep.
-I must not jump on my human sibling's head or push toys down on her from the
bedhead. By making her jump I am not saving her life.
-I will not sit inches away from Mommy's face and stare at her so that she will
scream when she opens her eyes.
-I will not stick my paw into Mommy's mouth while she's sleeping.
-I will not try to play with Mommy when she is scolding me.
-I will stop hissing at Mommy's sister-in-law, even if it does make Mommy
laugh.
-I will not bat loose change, glasses, alarm clocks, etc from on top of the
head board onto my human's head to get him to wake up.
-When Mama has a full mug of hot (coffee | tea | herbal tea) in her hand, that
is not a good time to head-butt her hand in an effort to be petted.
-When Mama has guests over, I do not need to make a beeline for the only guest
who is allergic to cats, jump in his lap, turn around, and wave my
dander-laden tail under his nose.
-I will not stare at my humans when they are trying to have sex.
-The human doesn't bite my whiskers, so I won't bite his beard.
-I will not meow pitifully when my humans are having sex.
-I will not bite my human's feet when she is using the computer.
-I will not hide in the bathtub behind the shower curtain and then slowly reach
around and put my paw on my young human's shoulder.
-If I have to hiss at just 1 person in the entire world, it will not be the
judge at the cat show.
-I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker
phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.
-I will not sneak out of the house and make my human go outdoors in her
nightgown during Hurricane Hugo to look for me.
-I do not need to climb Mount [insert human's name here].
-Mommy's stomach is neither a launch pad nor a landing strip.
-I will not wedge myself between Mommy and her boyfriend when they are in bed
and then dig my claws into her boyfriend's abdomen and pretend to be just
stretching. It's OK for Mommy to share her bed with someone besides me.
-I will not tag Mommy's leg as she steps in the shower to warn her that water
is dangerous. (My Calico does this EVERY time we get in the shower or the
bath.)
j) ---Not-all-there---
-If I get in the shower while it's running, I will get wet.
-I will not lie down and purr in the path of advancing cars.
-I will not put my paw under a moving sewing machine needle. (Thank god my
"Mommy" wasn't using pink thread, she wouldn't have been able to find the
thread to pull it out of my paw.)
-Twenty pound kitties should not climb to the top of small trees and cause them
to bend in half.
-Fast as I am, I cannot run through closed doors.
-I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my
human is explaining to the bird-loving girlfriend how graceful I am.
-I will not swim in the toilet/bathtub/dirty dish water.
-I will not climb on top of the garbage can with the hinged lid, as I will fall
in and trap myself.
-I will not get stuck in rolled up newspapers.
-Open windows are not meant to be jumped out of.
-Lit candles can burn me if I get too curious.
-Running down a ladder head first is a silly thing to do. (Again, my eldest
cat has done this for years too, and often misses a rung and ends up hanging
onto one rung with her front paws with the rest of her swinging in the
breeze.)
-I will not scoop the water from my bowl (and wonder why my paw is wet!).
-I will not go tunnelling down the heat ducts when Mommy has the grates off to
fish out all my lost cat toys.
-I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in
my water bowl.
-I will not get behind the drawers under the waterbed and hide for three days.
-When Daddy is cleaning the gutters, I will not nap on the ladder steps.
-Flea collars are meant to be worn, not left as calling cards.
-I will not suck on the end of my tail until it is wet and pointy and then
stick it into Mommy's face for inspection.
-I will not sit and stare at the front door for hours on end, in the vain hope
that my burning gaze will melt the lock and the door will fly open on MY
command.
-If I don't drink out of the toilet, I will not fall in.
-I will not remove Mommy's stuffed bear from her dresser and kill it EVERY
SINGLE DAY.
-I will not blame the human if I slip and fall into the toilet while getting a
drink. It is well known that 'blue' is my favourite flavor for water.
-If I climb a tree I can use my claws to stay attached. This does not work
with metal lampposts.
-I cannot spring at a bird through a fence.
-I will not break the lock on Momma's sewing kit so that I can attack, kill and
eat two yards of nylon carpet thread and then have Momma and Papa spend
$536.02 to have it retrieved from my intestines, and then return home only to
try and break the lock on the new and much more sturdier sewing kit so I can
wreak vengeance on the thread that caused me such a tummyache.
-The top of an open door or window is not wide enough for a cat to lie on
comfortably. Descent may also be difficult.
-When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not
necessary to check every door.
-I acknowledge that the ceiling fan is definitely out of reach. I will no
longer try to jump up and catch it.
-If I climb my human's bike, it will fall and scare the sh*t out of me.
-I will not go to warp speed and tear about the house after leaving something
obnoxious and uncovered in the cat box.
-The human with the frizzy clown wig on is the same one you live with, not a
horrible new monster to run from.
-If I don't insist on staring down the toilet when Daddy is about to use it, I
won't get peed in the neck. ("Removing the cat from the toilet" is now an
integrated part of the procedure...)
-I will look BEFORE I jump into the tub to see if there is any water in it.
-If I climbed up that tree, I can climb down.
-If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
-Eating the aloe vera plants will not make my fur shiny.
-I am 20 lbs and that is too big to stuff myself into the kleenex box in order
to take a nap.
-I will not fall in the toilet watching the water swirl.
k) ---Mess Making---
-I will not track kitty litter all over the apartment.
-I will not interfere with the broom when my human is sweeping the floor.
-Mom's dirty undies belong in the laundry pile, not in the middle of the living
room floor or next to my food dish.
-I will not knock the area rugs all over the hardwood floor.
-I will not use car windshields as slides when I have muddy feet.
-I will not upset the recycling bin all over the kitchen floor.
-I will not chew the corners off my human's books/comics.
-I will not pull dirty socks out of the laundry basket and a) leave them
artfully scattered around the house when my Mom brings guests home, or b) soak
them in my water dish and leave them on my Mom's pillow.
-I will not shred the kitchen sponge all over the carpet.
-I will not chew holes in the bags of clean kitty litter and spread it on the
floor.
-I will not shred the Bad Kitty List.
-No matter how fun it is, I will not chew through the dangling leather ties on
my human's coat. Shoelaces aren't there for gnawing either. (Combat boot
laces are especially enticing).
-I will not drag Mommy's clothes from the bedroom all over the house, so that
it looks as if she did a striptease routine the minute she got home.
-I will not dunk my paws into my water bowl, creating a turbulence that creates
a small lake in the kitchen.
-I will not jump up from the floor, onto to the sideboard to knock over Dad's
60 year old Art Deco figurine that WAS made of ivorine, brass and marble.
-I will try to restrict my hair deposition to only ONE of the living room
chairs.
-I will not display my worm collection on the kitchen floor on a rainy night.
Mommy does not like finding it at 11 PM.
-I will not jump up on the table and spill baby's expensive medicine and then
try to make it all right by licking it up.
-Above all else, I'll *never* poke holes in a waterbed.
-If I chew on the fringe of Mommy's new wool rug, I will get kicked out of the
living room. Ditto if I play "mouse" with Mommy's silver service.
-Raspberry yogurt is NOT a means for us to express ourselves creatively by "paw
painting" on the kitchen table.
-We will try not to use the litterbox within seconds after Mom has put the
vacuum cleaner away.
-I will not shred the newspaper while someone is reading it.
-I will not spread the kitty litter in an even layer through out the bathroom.
This annoys Mommy.
-I will not turn over every glass just to watch the liquid pool.
l) ---Hampering---
-I will not steal Mom's pendant and hide it under the pillow.
-I will not steal the scrub pad from the sink and drag it all over the house.
-I will not remove all the nifty shiny things from the jewelry box on top of
the five-foot tall clothes dresser.
-I realize that the house is not a prison, from which to escape at any
opportunity.
-I will not jump off the top of the cat tree onto the bed and/or its occupants.
-I will not keep Mommy from making bead necklaces, no matter how enticing they
are to drag away and kill, because I will get my paw poked by the beading
needle.
-People cannot see me on the floor when they are making the 3 AM bathroom run
or have an armload of groceries.
-I will not sprawl on the papers my human is trying to mark.
-I will not trip Mommy or Daddy on the way to the kitchen, even if they are
walking too slow.
-I will not run along in front of Mommy and then come to a dead STOP in
front of her, making her nearly trip and squish me flat, *especially* after
I've awakened her at some ungodly hour demanding to be fed.
-I will not slam-dunk my tail into Mommy's first and *only* cup of coffee in
the morning, as Mommy's coffee maker only brews 1 cup at a time.
-I will not jump on the toilet seat just as my human is sitting down.
-I will not attempt to "help" Mommy while she's trying to cut out a new dress
by lying down in the middle of the fabric on the table, and then trying to rip
Mommy's arm off when she has to move me in order to avoid slicing off my
beautiful tail.
-My Mommy does not need my help when mounting and framing photographs for an
art exhibition, and trying to get in the way will only result in my risking
being spray-mounted and matted myself.
-I *can* sit still while Mommy tries to takes photographs of me to show off to
her friends, instead of running away and becoming merely a blur on the
negative. ("He really *is* a cute cat, you know...you just have to get him to
hold still...")
-I will not race out of the bedroom door at light speed in the morning, causing
my owner to bump my food dish and her hot tea together (ew!).
-I will not ask for the door to be opened when my human is making an
international telephone call.
-I will not take the hockey puck (Mommy and Daddy call it the plug) out of the
bathroom and hide it in the basement.
-Leaping into the box and chasing my tail does NOT help my human pack.
-I am NOT required to shred the newspaper to save Mommy from it.
-I will not jump into the chair just as the human is sitting down and screech
when he sits on me.
-I will not knock the brush Mommy uses on me into the garbage can just because
I don't like it.
-I will not walk/sleep on the cable box in the Master bedroom and envoke
Parental Control on the Playboy Channel.
-I will not jump into Mommy's lap while she is breast-feeding the small human.
-I will not play with the ribbons when Mom is wrapping (Christmas) gifts. And
I will not try to kill the curlicues of ribbon on the finished packages.
-I will not use the computer keyboard as a launch pad to try to get to the
unattainable ceramic wall clock.
-I do not need to supervise the human when s/he is working at the kitchen
counter.
-I will not attack my human's shoelaces when she is tying them.
-I will not hold the pen in my mouth while my human is trying to write.
-I will not put my head in my human's mouth while he is trying to eat.
-I won't run in front of Mommy's car as she pulls into the driveway.
-I will not show my sympathy when Mommy is having an asthma attack by sticking
my furry little body in her face. All this does is make Mommy kick me off her
lap.
-Mommy does not need my help when she is printing a document. Sticking my paw
in the printer *will* hurt. Tearing the paper as it comes out of the printer
only makes Mommy mad.
-I will not drag dirty socks out of the laundry basket and bury them in the
litter box.
m) ---Night-time---
-I will not hurl plants off the window sill onto my Mom's head in the early
hours of the morning.
-I will not knock pennies off the nightstand at 3 AM in order to get Mom's
attention.
-I will not lurk at the side of the bed during the night or I will be stepped
on by the human getting up to go to the bathroom.
-During the middle of the night while my human is asleep, I will not awaken my
human by chewing/ripping paper up into wet, sticky confetti causing her to
step into the disgusting gooey mess when she comes to take my paper "prey"
away.
-I will not shut the bedroom door in the middle of the night so that Daddy
walks straight into it because he doesn't want to wake Mummy by switching on
the light. (The loud bang his face makes hitting the door wakes Mummy every
time!)
-I will not chase the other invisible cats across Dad's belly and groin in the
middle of the night--particularly not at 3:30 a.m.
-I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night,
deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling)
so that Mommy can admire my "kill."
-I will not knock my kitty treats into the garbage can and then run around the
house knocking over garbage cans looking for them at 3 a.m.
-I will not go under the bed and yowl at 4 a.m. to wake the human and not get
squirted.
-I will not make lots of noise at 4 a.m. to awaken the humans. I will not get
food, but instead will get a kick, or squirted, or something thrown at me.
-I will not unlatch the window screen so I can go outside in the middle of the
night.
-I will not knock the kitchen trash can over at 3 am EVERY NIGHT scavenging for
scraps.
-I won't step on Daddy's tummy at 3 a.m., then hide behind the TV while he
turns every light in the house on looking for me.
-I won't attack Mommy's foot through the blanket at 3 am. Even if she *is*
moving it.
-I won't climb to the top of the refrigerator and knock everything off,
especially not at 3 a.m.
-I won't play with my new rubber ball in the bathtub at 3 a.m.
-I won't jump on Daddy's face at 3 a.m. when he is very sick and scare the s**t
out of him.
-I won't pick a fight with another cat on the roof at 3 a.m. (I noticed most
things in your list happen at 3 am. This is perfectly true. Cats *always* do
their nefarious deeds between 2:30 and 4:00 am.)
-I will not charge myself with static electricity and zap my sleeping Dad at 2
a.m.
n) ---Miscellaneous---
-I will not jump off the ceiling fan when Daddy comes home and turns it on. (I
have NO idea how he got up there! It scared the S**T outta me!)
-I will not hide under the clothes on Mommy's dress form and then try to use
the item as a scratching post and scratch my Mom.
-I will not put my tail/paws in places where they can be stepped on.
-I will show remorse when I'm being scolded.
-I will not try to dig to China from my litter box.
-I will not sink my claws into Mom's shoulder to get better traction for a
jump.
-I don't ALWAYS have to be the centre of attention.
-Having my claws trimmed is a good thing and doesn't hurt, so I shouldn't
struggle.
-Looking adorable after misbehaving will not negate my crime.
-The bed is not "home free."
-No matter how much I rub against it, the squirt gun is not my friend.
-The 12-pack of beer contains nothing of interest to cats.
-There are NO Martians hiding in the new drapes. (Especially since I helped
Mommy make them!)
-I will not climb up the side of the house to get to the top deck.
-I realize that I am not supposed to be in the kitchen, so I won't sneak past
Mommy when she has her back turned.
-I will not hide under the back porch, leash and all, so that my humans will
forget me and leave me outside all day (or all night) long.
-If I will not groom myself, I must not rip Mama's hand off when she tries to
do it for me.
-I will not hide in the baby's carriage and cause it to rock back and forth
mysteriously, making Mommy think it's haunted.
-We will sit still for 5 seconds while Mom tries to take our photograph because
Mom loves us and just wants to show us off to her friends.
Many thanks to the following contributors:
Santiago Arteaga, Christopher Bates, Adam Beneschan, Becky Birchmeier, Leslie
Blitman, Diana Bredfeldt, Frank Brown, Marla Brownfield, Sonja Chichak, Amy
Clark, Susan Clark, Linda Condry, Ellen Cotter, Chris Coulson, Liz Dell'Orfano,
Carol Denehy, Ruth Desjardins, Leslie Devlin, Bob Eager, Patti Easley, Judy
Ehlen, Jill Eppler, Paul Fahn, Marty Faville, Sandra Feldman, Jamie Ferguson,
Laura Frazer, Phyllis Gerstenfeld, Pria Graves, Linda Greco, Krissie Griffiths,
Anthea Fraser Gupta, Bonni Hall, Tomas Hallin, Peter Hartikka, Nancy Hayes,
Daniel Hedrick, Amy Hendrix, Petra Hinds, Nancy Howells, Heather Kalisiak,
Julie Kangas, Kay Klier, Ellen Knutson, Gary Koerzendorfer, Lenore Levine,
Andria Lishka, Kathryn Litherland, Michael Lopushansky, Christine Lowe, Jamie
Lubin, Anita Lukka, Jon Martin, David Merriman, Edward Miller, Nancy Milligan,
Amy Miran, Elise Mitchell, Robin Colleen Moore, Peter Morris, Linda Muckey,
Mindy Mymudes, Jack Nadelman, Erica Nielsen, Lynne Nishihara, Debbie Nunn,
Lynda Oleksuk, Vicky Oliver, Paul Osmond, Christopher Palma, Didi Pancake,
Louise Penberthy, Colleen Penrowley, Mark Pickerill, Sally Plecor, Alice
Ramirez, Lucinda Rasmussen, Harold Reynolds, Elisabeth Riba, Andrew Rogers,
Alison Rosenstengel, Kathie Rupert-Wayne, Karen Schlosberg, Joachim Schuster,
Debbie Schwartz, Bronwyn Scrutton, Lisa Sheard, Kama Sue Siegel, Steve Snyder,
Paul Ste. Marie, Christopher Stewart, John Stomieroski, Eric Storch, Lori
Taylor, Matt Thompson, Anne Threston, Tracy Tomes, Karen Urel, Pamela
Vanderwiel, Connie Varnhagen, Michael Warning, Rosemary Webb, Alison
Weatherston, Greg Williams, Allen Wright, Rene Zandbergen.
| \_/ |
| o.o |
==( _ )==
-U-----U-
---[-@
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. (Victor Borge)
BAD HUMAN!
This is the reverse of the "Bad Kitty!" list. That is, what would your cat(s)
make you write on the chalkboard after committing a "crime"?
Send your suggestions to reynolds@geog.utoronto.ca.
Note: "Master" is supposed to be a gender-neutral, politically correct term.
First posting: October 8, 1993. Last Update: [April 4, 1995].
a) ---Food---
-There must always be food in my master's dish.
-I will share any can of tuna fish that is opened.
-I will provide only the choicest morsels for the master's bowl, not poultry
scraps.
-I will not assume my master doesn't like whatever is in the can I am opening.
-I will not spike my master's food with medicine.
-Attempting to hide catnip from my master is useless, so I shouldn't bother.
-I *will* feed my master on demand. I will *feed* my master on demand. I will
feed my master on *demand*.
-I will share the spicy bean dip with my master.
-I will feed my master all he can gorge.
-I will refill the water bowl no matter how many times my master tips it over.
-I will not expect my master to forgo attempts to steal my sushi--this is
simply asking too much of a cat.
-I will search to the end of the leash to see if my master is still outside
before I leave for work and separate her from her precious food bowl all day.
-I will remember not to offer my master smoked salmon. This is *not* a
delicacy just because my previous master liked it.
-I will not make my master wait 12 long hours between meals.
-I will not move the food box when my master figures out how to get to it and
knock it down from the shelf.
b) ---Loss of Dignity---
-I will not laugh when my master chases her tail.
-I will not chase my master with the awful noisy vacuum cleaner.
-I will not move my master no matter where she decides to sleep.
-I will not make fun of my master's weight.
-I will not stick my finger in master's mouth when she yawns.
-I will not surprise my master by kissing her while she is sleeping.
-I will not brush my master when he jumps up on my lap just to be petted.
-I will not weigh my master.
-I will not turn on the water when my master is napping in the sink.
-I will not highlight my master's nose and ears in fashionable neon colors.
-My master is a creature of dignity. I will not feed him catnip in front of
guests and/or videotape him afterwards.
-I will not pull my master out from under the bed to show to guests--who are
obviously dangerous and must be hidden from.
-I will not apply the following undignified nicknames to my master: Bulge Boy,
Mr. Chubb, Mr. Big, Blimpy, Hellraiser, Pest-Kitty, Food Vacuum, Oink, Menace
to Society.
-I will not give my master the bum's rush when she is trying to supervise me as
I work at the kitchen counter.
-I will NOT flush the drinking bowl when my master is having a drink!
c) ---Disobedience With Possible Severe Repercussions---
-I will be ready to play whenever my master is.
-I will not let my master in/out "when I feel like it".
-I will not fuss when my master is patrolling the table, kitchen counter, or
dresser for prey.
-I will not ignore my master's signs to tell me when to start/stop petting,
cuddling, playing, etc., no matter how subtle they are.
-I will *not* pet my master while she's taking her bath.
-I will not place my *insignificant* belongings on the royal resting places
(aka coffee tables, nightstands, and dressers), nor scold my master when s/he
pushes them off.
-I will not pull my master out of the trash bin when she is busy inspecting its
contents.
-I will not put my master in a cat carrier--ever, for any reason whatsoever.
-I will not fart when my master is under the bedcovers.
d) ---Comfort of the Master(s)---
-I will be sure that my masters are comfortable in bed, only then will I
arrange myself around the available space.
-When my master is sleeping on some portion of my anatomy, I will not disturb
my master by getting up to attend to such mundane matters as answering the
telephone or going to the bathroom.
-I will gladly roll onto my other side when my master paws me on the cheek at
3:30 am so she can "snuggle."
-I won't shove my master out of the middle of the bed.
-I will let my master sleep on my notes as I'm trying to study. (I'm sure I
can read through the fur if I try hard enough!)
-I will not chase my (white-furred) master off of the black sweater drying in
the laundry room.
-I will remember that my master and her friend use the car from 6pm-10pm. I
will attempt to ensure that the car is in the car port during this period for
their sitting pleasure.
e) ---Toys/Playing---
-I will supply my master with toys and will not begrudge him if he decides to
find some new ones on his own.
-I will get an ice cube and throw it on the floor whenever my master requests
one.
-I will retrieve all the foil balls and toys from under the sofa and
refrigerator each and every day.
-I will leave the lingerie drawer open so that my master may strew my undies
around the apartment for his amusement.
-I will let my master chase my highlighter as I'm trying to highlight texts.
-I will not lure my master from his chair with a toy so I can sit in it.
-I will not throw out the nightly bit of dental floss without first allowing my
master to play with it for at least 5 minutes.
-I will not seize my master's (current) favourite toy just because she is
playing with it under the bed at 4 am.
f) ---Sanitation---
-I will keep the master's litter box as clean (or cleaner than) the human's
bathroom.
-I will change my master's litterbox at the first sign of stink, not when they
have to get the point across by whizzing on the comforter.
-I will not move my hand while my master is busy washing it.
-The human will not stare at the master while she is doing her business,
however, the master is permitted to stare at the human in various states of
undress and/or physical activity.
-The human will not say "Ewwww gross" when the master sneezes and then licks
the snots off her fur.
g) ---High-Tech---
-I will not complain when my master steps on the break key, or settles down on
the computer keyboard.
-I will not assume my master is done reading the newspaper just because s/he is
no longer looking at it or just because I am done with that page.
-I will not talk on the phone when my master wants me stare at her and talk
nicely to her.
-I will not answer the phone when I come home if I haven't fed my master yet.
-I will not talk on the phone unless my master gets a chance to say "hi".
-I will not try to ignore my master when she comes over to join my phone
conversation, because since no one else is in the room, I must be talking to
her. (Who would *really* be talking to a piece of plastic anyway?)
h) ---Other Critters---
-I will graciously accept the wildlife offerings from my master.
-I will not come home smelling of other cats or (even worse!) dogs.
-I will not fraternize with other cats.
-I will let the kitties play with the hamster.
-I will not de-flea my sister's new master in my master's bathroom and expect
my master to forgive me right away.
-I will let my master play with mice she has cleverly bought into the house to
torture to death.
-I will not interfere with my master's perfectly normal attempts to assert his
dominance by biting his brother.
-I will assist my master in chasing unwanted cats from the garden and house.
But I will respect her right to invite her friends in.
i) ---Politically Correct---
-My master is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
-My master does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
-My master is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.
-My master is not a pest, she is attention deprived.
-My master is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.
-My master is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
-My master is not hydrophobic, he has an inability to appreciate moisture.
-My master does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
-My master is not evil, she is badness enchanced.
-My master does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
-My master does not yowl, he is singing off-key.
-My master is not a "treat-seeking missile", she enjoys the proximity of food.
-My master does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
-My master is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.
-My master is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.
-My master is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
-My master does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
-My master is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
-My master is not underfoot, he is shepherding me to my next destination (the
food dish!).
j) ---Miscellaneous---
-I will watch where I put my big feet.
-I will take thousands of pictures of my masters, and show them to everyone I
ever meet.
-I will *not* go to work and leave the kitties alone all day.
-I will not close the bathroom door thus separating myself, however
momentarily, from my master.
-Family members must stay home as often as possible. At no time should the
house be left empty in the evening.
-I will not rush at my master when she is concentrating on balancing on the
inch-wide balcony rail 25 feet in the air to see how the dog and I react.
-I will leave the potting soil where it belongs -- on the floor.
-I will leave the toilet seat up so my master can investigate.
-I will not expose my master to my morning breath when she wakes me.
-I will sharpen my psychic skills, so that I can read my master's mind, no
matter how feeble it may be.
-I will get up every morning at 6 am (or earlier) and go to bed as early as
possible.
-I will not invite any (scary) electricians or plumbers into the house.
Many thanks to the following contributors:
Jennifer Accettola, Laura Allender, Merrie Bergmann, Becky Birchmeier, John
Blaser, Susan Clark, Ruth Desjardins, Anthea Fraser Gupta, Petra Hinds, Alex
Johnson, Karen Kolling, Lisa Loeffler, David Merriman, Nancy Milligan,
Christopher Palma, Harold Reynolds, Lori Scarlett, Karen Schlosberg, Paul Ste.
Marie, Bruce Tobias, Connie Varnhagen.
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