I'm Not Bitter Quiz-o-Rama As many of you know, through recent events, I am a single man, once again. Since my last few affairs of the heart have been flops (in much the same way as the Titanic was a little flop), I have decided that in the future I shall be screeening all of my future dates with this highly scientific quiz. Enclosed is a quiz I shall hand out to any future dates. Also, I'm not bitter. Instructions: Please answer each question as honestly as possible. Bart will grade your responses and get back to you. 1) A woman's place is in the: a) House (or Senate) b) Bedroom c) Office d) Sitting in a deep dark cellar plotting to cut a man's entrails out and leave it as food for wild jackals 2) When singing in the shower, I will most likely sing: a) "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park" b) "Material Girl" c) "I Touch Myself" d) Theme from "Psycho" 3) The perfect Christmas gift is: a) Expensive perfume or intimate evening wear b) Flowers, a backrub, bubble bath, and a hand-written love sonnet c) Six-pack of Bud, Domino's Pizza, and an evening of QVC d) Whips, knives and red-hot irons 4) A woman's hairstyle should: a) Gently accentuate her best features b) Not resemble a poodle c) Hide the lobotomy scars d) Cover the little "666" on the back of the skull and not reveal the demon-horns 5) My personal role-model is: a) Hillary Clinton b) Ruth Bader-Ginsberg c) Daisy Duke d) Lorena Bobbit 6) When it comes to cars, I: a) Take good care of my car and change my oil regularly. b) [giggle] What's oil? c) Think fuzzy dice are _cool_! d) Want a Mercedes... NOW! 7) If you man wants to date me, he must also like my: a) Family b) Pet rock c) Therapist d) Furniture 8) I have a subscription to: a) Newsweek and the Wall Street Journal b) Analog and Rolling Stone c) National Enquirer and T.V. Guide d) Weekly Reader 9) I want to have ___ children. a) Any number, as long as they are healthy b) Some c) Your d) Well-dressed 10) My list of favorite authors include: a) William Shakespeare b) Maya Angelou c) Chairman Mao d) Marquis DeSade 11) A romantic evening is best spent: a) Before a roaring fire b) Having a candle-lit dinner c) Country line dancing d) Shopping 12) I want to date a(n): a) Lawyer b) Engineer c) Crew-chief at the local JuffyLube d) Anyone who owns a shoe store 13) I really admire: a) My parents, for bringing me up right b) My teachers, for teaching me about life c) The makers of Velveeta d) Zsa Zsa Gabor 14) What attracted me most to you (physically) is/are your: a) Massive chest b) Tight buns c) Tattoo collection d) Credit cards 15) What attracted me most to you (mentally) is/are your: a) Sparkling wit b) Open mind c) Deep understanding of power tools d) Huh? 16) I really get turned on when you: a) Are with me b) Kiss my neck c) Imitate Beavis and Butt-Head d) Do the dishes 17) I can't live without: a) The support of friends b) Oxygen c) Entertainment Tonight d) Makeup 18) If you were really depressed, I would: a) Listen to your problems b) Rub your back c) Get you drunk d) Laugh 19) My favorite television programs are: a) NYPD Blue and Home Improvement b) MST3K, Roseanne, and Star Trek: TNG c) This Week In Monster Truck Racing and AmericaUs Most Wanted d) Lifestyles of the Cruel and Unusual 20) My favorite pig out food is: a) Low-fat yogurt b) Haagen Dasz c) Gummi worms d) A man's still quivering heart 21) A man should know where I keep my: a) House keys b) Erogenous zones c) Ear-wax remover d) Guns 22) I would rather die a slow painful death than: a) Betray a confidence b) Betray my country c) Miss "Wheel of Fortune" d) Spend one more minute with you 23) The most hellish,vile place on Earth is: a) Bosnia-Herzegovina b) Texas c) Anyplace with less than 40 channels of cable d) Your bedroom 24) The one phrase I would love to hear is: a) "Congratulations, Madame President" b) "Ohmygod, that is the winning lottery ticket!" c) "Wow! I've never seen a woman spit tobacco that far!" d) "What we can't figure out is how the arsenic got in his food in the first place." 25) If a man was to propose to me, I would: a) Cry b) Call my mother c) Be pregnant d) Giggle uncontrollably Please write a 300 word essay on the theme: "A Woman's Role In the Relationship: Helpmate or Saboteur" Please attach references, a current picture, and a blood sample. -- Selected by Maddi Hausmann Sojourner. MAIL your joke to funny@clarinet.com. Sponsored by ClariNet Communications Corp. If you post instead of mailing, it screws up the reply-address sometimes. Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
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