The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek: 10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7. 9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a trible. 8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise. 7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information. 6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale. 5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk. 4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?" 3) You have no life. 2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list. 1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan. TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE - ------------------------------------------------------- 10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!" 9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it" 8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!" 7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!" 6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!" 5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical." 4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?" 3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?" 2. "We brake for cubes!" 1. "Wesley On Board!" Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship: "Blonde Borgs have the same fun." TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETACHED HEAD 20. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk 19. The ball in Parisis' Squares 18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft 17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet 16. Scare blind students in Braille class 15. Prop open doors for maintenance crews 14. Lawn decoration in Arboretum 13. Footstool for Captain's chair 12. entertaining kids in day care puppet show 11. Scare Alexander into doing chores 10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift 9. Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank 8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in research 7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards 6. Two words: tether ball 5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking 4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet 3. Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class 2. Use as nutcracker at Christmastime and the number one use for Data's detached head... 1. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE: 1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation 2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium. 3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first 4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer 5. Have figured out the stardate system 6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra 7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol 8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams 9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The Omega Glory" 10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes 11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface 12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments 13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint 14. Understanding Klingon 15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work 16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it 17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic stylistics 18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in ST:TMP 19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges 20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers **20 Things that never happen in Star Trek** 1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before. 2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right. 3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly. 4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny hat. 5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay. 6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive. 7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without a serious incident. 8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads. 9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff. 10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial. 11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some candy. 12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems. 13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction. 14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century. 15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode. 16. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious. 17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher. 18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change. 19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him. 20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected. 21. The Enterprise is waylaid by a couple of $7.99 surplus Klingon cruisers, but the superior firepower of federation phasers blows them into bits too small to find on the first shot. The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard...enjoy ---------------------------------------------------------------- 10. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!" 9. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft 8. screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge 7. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead 6. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms 5. sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there 4. asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL Picard Maneuver" 3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?" 2. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it so" 1. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise: --------------------------------------------------------- 9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft 8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data 7. Giving Worf A nuggie 6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!) 5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Folger's crystals 4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self- destruct sequence 3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression 2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can 1. Tribble sex! These were taken from the "Official Klingon Joke Book". Q] How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb? A] None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark. Q'] What do they do with the dead bulb? A'] Execute it for failure. Q"] What do they do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb? A"] Execute him for cowardice. Spell Checked and reformatted by Nathan Mates (nathan@cco.caltech.edu)
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