PROLOG: Captain's log stardate 43217.1 The Enterprise has just delivered its mission of Romulan pussballs to nearby Starbase 56 located in the deltoid region. We're on our way back to the planet Vulva to catch up on some much needed T & A. [OPEN SCENE ON ENTERPRISE MAIN BRIDGE] RIKER: ...so then I ate it! PICARD, JORDI, RIKER, WHARF: [LAUGHING] TROI: Sick Will, sick! WHARF: Captain! Ship's sensors have just picked up a foreign substance headed toward the enterprise at warp factor 3! PICARD: On screen Mr. Wharf. WHARF: Aye Sir. [MAIN VIEWSCREEN: LARGE ALIEN MASS APPROACHING AT HIGH SPEED, MUMURS FROM BRIDGE CREW.] JORDI: What is that thing? TROI: It's Gross. WESLEY: I think it's neat looking! RIKER: Reminds me of this time on Vegas 3, these three girls and I- PICARD: [GLARES AT RIKER, RIKER SHUTS UP] PICARD: Mr. Data, do you have any idea what this alien mass might be? DATA: Just a moment Captain, accessing... Ah yes, judging from its size, coloration and general consistancy, I'd have to say it was a complex molecule made up mostly of hydrogen, oxygen, halitosis and... PICARD: Thank you Data. RIKER: Sir, if I understand Data correctly, what he's saying is that the Enterprise is under attack by a giant spit-wad? CRUSHER: [INTERRUPTING] Wow! Cool, can I have permission to beam part of it aboard and use it for my science experiment? Please? I've been studying the way various particles decelerate and diffuse when in contact with- PICARD: [INTERRUPTING] We'll discuss it later Wesley, please bring us around to heading 0 0 mark 4. CRUSHER: Awwww... PICARD: Enough Mr. Crusher. Engage. [CUT TO EXTERIOR SHOT, SHIP BEGINS TO TURN. CUT BACK TO BRIDGE.] WHARF: Spit-Wad within weapons range now, Sir. PICARD: Very good. Go to Yellow Alert Mr. Wharf. WHARF: Aye-aye sir. [YELLOW LIGHTS BEGIN TO FLASH] PICARD: Magnify main viewer, Mr. Wharf, increase fifty percent. WHARF: Aye Sir. DR CRUSHER: Eeeeeyyyyoooo.... Yuck! That's disgusting! PICARD: That's not what you said last night Beverly! DR CRUSHER: Yes, well, that's different. TROI: I can't read its intentions very clearly Captain, but I think its lonely. PICARD: That's an interesting supposition, Deanna, how did you come up with that? Did you use your Betazoid powers? TROI: No, not really. I hadn't used that line in awhile. DATA: Sir, elementary physics would indicate that a hydrogen-oxygen compound such as this one, a spit-ball to use the vernacular, or a Hnkk-druel as Mr Wharf would call it, a Skrrrfff on the planet Gotzrnutz, a- PICARD: [IMPATIENTLY INTERRUPTS] Get to the point please Mr. Data. DATA: [PUZZLED LOOK] But sir, I'm an android, I have no point! DR CRUSHER: That's not what I read on the wall in the ladies room! TROI: [SNICKERS] RIKER: [INTERRUPTS] Captain! I think its attacking now. PICARD: Shields up! RIKER: Red alert! DATA: I'm not positive about this Captain, relevant earth data is a little sketchy but there's evidence to conclude that a photon torpedo aimed right into the center of the mass might be enough to destabilize its central gyroscopic stability ratio and cause its component atoms to discorporate into seperate localized clusters of random matter thus rendering it incapable of presenting further danger to the Enterprise. PICARD: Huh? [LOOKS AT RIKER] What did he say? RIKER: He says 'nuke it till it glows!' PICARD: Ah! Make it so! WHARF: You mean me, sir? PICARD: Of course I mean you, you moronic klingonese... ahem.. yes Mr. Wharf. WHARF: Why Captain, I didn't know you cared! PICARD: I don't. Just shoot the damned thing so I can collect my paycheck and get the hell out of here while there's still time to catch a few rounds at the holo-golf course this afternoon. WHARF: Aye Sir, arming photon torpedo banks now. Standard spread. PICARD: Fire! [PHOTON TORPEDO FIRES, DROOL EXPLODES, QUE APPEARS] PICARD: Que! What the devil do you want. Get off my bridge this instant! QUE: Why Captain! Is that any way to treat an old friend? I thought we we were buddies? PICARD: [GLARES AT QUE] Not now Que! QUE: Ah, [WINKS AT PICARD] not in front of the ladies! PICARD: What is it that you want Que? You renegade reject from the Que continuum? QUE: [IGNORING PICARD] Why nothing Mon Capiton, merely to express what a marvelous job you've been doing. PICARD: We were doing quite well without you. QUE: Temper, temper, I just thought I'd check in and see how well you were able to deal with completely idiotic plot devices designed to sell toothpaste and tampons for an hour. I do say, Jolly good show old boy... really, jolly good! [QUE DISAPPEARS] PICARD: Take us out of here Mr. Crusher. WESLEY: Where to Sir? PICARD: Anywhere, Mr. Crusher, anywhere!
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