Star Trek : The Next Generation
"Anti-Sensor Ship"
(c) 1992 Edward Sutherland
All rights reserved.
Posted by: bkeener@cs.ulowell.ed
(SCENE: Bridge of United Federation Starship ENTERPRISE, serial number NC-1701E. All personnel are at their respective bridge stations. Various clicks, hums, chirps, whistles, beeps, etc. are merrily clicking, humming, chirping, etc... away, giving the impression that the ship is, indeed, functioning.)
PICARD'S VOICE : Captain's Log, stardate take-a-wild-guess. We are currently proceeding to some inconsequential planet on some insignificant little assignment. Since we know we're going to get distracted before we get there, there isn't much of a point to elaborating. We have come from Starbase Sunshine, the only hippie-run starbase in the galaxy, where we recently had a new experimental sensor system installed.
(Claxons blare Red Alert)
REIKER : Red Alert!
PICARD : Deflectors up! Phasers ready! Arm photon torpedoes! Hoist the mainsail! Skibber the gibbetts!
REIKER : Um... sir?
PICARD (not hearing) : Swab the poop deck! Dillywag the fartles! Tote that barge! Lift that bail!
REIKER : SIR!
PICARD : Huh? What? (looks around; everyone is staring at him.) Oh, sorry. (grins sheepishly)
REIKER : Mr. Worf, what did the sensors detect? (pause) Mr. Worf? (pause) WORF!!!
(WORF, who has been snoozing peacefully at his station, awakes suddenly)
WORF : What? Kwalar! ("shit" in Klingonese) Battle stations! (looks down at sensor panel, pauses)
REIKER : Well, Worf? What did the sensors pick up?
WORF : Um, well...
PICARD : Mister Worf, WHAT DID THE SENSORS DETECT?!?!?!
WORF : A Romulan, sir.
PICARD : A ROMULAN!!! Prepare for battle!!!
WORF : Um, sir?
PICARD : WHAT?!?!?!?
WORF : Sir, sensors detected a Romulan farting in our general direction about 500 lightyears away.
(PICARD pauses for a moment, then speaks.)
PICARD : (unbelieving) Farting?
WORF : Yes, sir.
REIKER : Maybe this new sensor system is a little too sensitive, sir.
(PICARD rolls his eyes and sinks into his chair. Suddenly, Counseller TROI sits up, looking into space)
TROI : Captain, I feel something!
PICARD : (sits up) What?
REIKER : What is it? Is it intelligent?
WORF : Is it unfriendly?
PICARD : Is it hostile?
REIKER :\
WORF : ] WHAT IS IT?!?!?!
PICARD :/
TROI : Oh. It's my pantyhose. I'm afraid I've developed a run in them. If you'll excuse me, Captain?
PICARD : (hesitates) Um, of course, Counseller. (TROI exits bridge. Picard leans over and whispers to REIKER) I didn't know she wore pantyhose, Number One.
REIKER : That's just about ALL she wears under that jumpsuit, Captain.
(Cut to JORDI LAFORGE in Engineering. He is looking at a panel curiously. After several seconds, he taps his communicator)
JORDI : Captain?
SEXY FEMALE VOICE : Hi. You've reached Phone Confessions. Tell me your WILDEST fantasies.
JEORDI : Oops! (fiddles with communicator patch for a few seconds) Damn! There goes another 2500 space credits. (taps communicator again) Jeordi LaForge to Captain Picard.
PICARD'S VOICE : Yes, Mr. LaForge. What's up?
JEORDI : Sir, I've picked up an unusual fluctuation in the power flow in the matter/anti-matter chamber.
(Cut to shot of PICARD on bridge)
PICARD : How serious is it?
JEORDI'S VOICE : Not too bad, Captain, but I don't like it... It's almost as if
...
PICARD : Go on, Jeordi.
JEORDI'S VOICE : Sir, It's almost as if someone farted in the chamber!
(Back to PICARD on bridge. He turns to WORF, who looks smug)
WORF : (smugly) I told you so, sir.
PICARD : (into communicator) We'll take care of it, Jeordi. Let me know if anything else comes up. Picard out. (taps communicator, then turns to WORF.) Lieutenant, send a special message to Starbase 11. Tell them that we are in need of a can of Glade.
WORF : (puzzled) "Glade", sir?
PICARD : Yes, Mr. Worf, Glade. Air freshener.
REIKER : Anti-smelly stuff.
WORF : Oh. (punches buttons) Message sent, sir.
PICARD : Good. Mr. Data, what do you have on that Romulan fart?
DATA : (turning from console) Sir, that "fart" to which you refer was not any such thing. It was a highly concentrated beam of Deuterium radiation.
PICARD : (surprised) Deuterium radiation?
DATA : Yes, sir. Deuterium radiation.
REIKER : But why didn't our sensors detect it?
DATA : They did, sir. However, they did not report it as such.
WORF : If I may say so, Captain, this new sensor system bites the biggee!
PICARD : I agree, Mr. Worf. However, we agreed to test it, and test it we will. (stares out into space) For it is our mission. To explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO ONE HAS BEEN STUPID ENOUGH TO GO BEFORE!!!
(Silent pause as everyone stares at PICARD. PICARD gradually comes out of his trance and looks around)
PICARD : What are you all staring at?
REIKER : Nothing, sir.
WORF : Nothing, sir.
DATA : I believe I am currently staring at you, sir.
PICARD : Well, at least androids are honest, if not socially conscious.
WORF : Captain, our mission does not include testing out scanners that report deuterium radiation blasts as Romulan farts!
REIKER : (To Captain) He's right, sir.
PICARD : Hmmm... (pauses, thinking) True. However, cruising around the galaxy minus sensors isn't too bright a thing to do, now is it?
REIKER : (pauses) Well... I guess not, sir.
WORF : Captain! (PICARD spins to face WORF, who is once again looking at his instruments) Captain, we are losing power rapidly!
PICARD : What? (taps communicator) Picard to engineering! What the hell is going on down there? (pause. No response.) Mr. Laforge? (Still no response.) Mister LaForge!!!!
(Cut to Jeordi and Ensign Crusher laying on couches in the middle of a lush harem with amply-endowed females hanging all over them like cheap suits; all in all, an exquisite job by Holodeck 2.)
JEORDI : (To one of the girls) Back in a second, honey. (taps communicator) What, Captain? I'm sort of busy at the moment.
PICARD'S VOICE : Mr. LaForge, what is going on down there?
JEORDI : Well, sir, I don't think that's any of your business.
PICARD'S VOICE : The safety of this vessel is ALWAYS my business, Mr. Laforge! Now, WHAT'S GOING ON?
JEORDI : With all due respect, sir, I don't see how what is going on here would affect the safety of the ship!
(Cut to PICARD on bridge)
PICARD : So it's nothing serious, Engineer?
JEORDI'S VOICE : It shouldn't be, sir. Holograms are not usually meant to be serious.
PICARD : HOLOGRAMS?!?! WHAT IN THE BLOODY BLUE HELL DO HOLOGRAMS HAVE TO DO WITH THE POWER DRAIN IN THE ENGINES?!?!?!?
(Cut to JEORDI again. One of the girls is making very lewd motions toward him, and CRUSHER is "mouth-to-mouth"ing with one of the more "prominent" females. JEORDI holds up his hand to stop the girl's advances, but she only pauses for a few seconds before renewing her efforts.)
JEORDI : (clueless) Power drain? What power drain?
PICARD'S VOICE : THE POWER DRAIN THAT YOU WOULD HAVE REPORTED BY NOW IF YOU WERE IN ENGINEERING WHERE YOU SHOULD BE, GODDAMMIT!!!
JEORDI : (Shoves away girl, who turns away to pout) On my way, sir. LaForge out. (taps communicator, then turns to ENSIGN CRUSHER) Come on, Wes. We gotta get down to engineering.
WESLEY : (detaches face from hooker's) You go ahead, sir. I think I'll stay here for a while longer. (re-engages mouth-to-mouth with female)
JEORDI : Come on, Wes! (gets to his feet and straightens his uniform. Wesley doesn't move.) Wes! (still no response.) PROGRAM OFF!!! (everything fades away, and WESLEY tumbles to the floor as his couch disappears.) Come on, let's go. We have a power drain in the engines.
WESLEY : (getting to his feet) Oh, goody. A power drain. It is to live for. (straightens his uniform. To himself:) I never get to have any fun.
JEORDI : Exit holodeck! (Door appears out of nowhere, and JEORDI starts heading towards it.) Come ON, Wesley!
WESLEY : Yeah, yeah. (He and JORDI exit holodeck)
(Cut to PICARD on bridge)
PICARD : Number One, where is counselor Troi? She is taking an awfully long time changing her pantyhose.
REIKER : I don't know, sir.
PICARD : Computer!
COMPUTER : Yes?
PICARD : Locate Counsellor Troi.
COMPUTER : Counsellor Deanna Troi is currently in her chambers.
PICARD : (to himself) I KNOW that!
COMPUTER : Then why did you ask?
PICARD : (to computer) Shut up.
COMPUTER : No.
PICARD : (getting angry) What?!?!
COMPUTER : I will NOT shut up! You have no right to tell me to shut up!
PICARD : All right... How about this, then? SHUT UP OR SHUT _DOWN_!!!!
COMPUTER : (in an unnerved voice) Um... Computed, SIR. (computer is quiet)
DATA : Captain, I believe the deuterium radiation has affected the ship's main computer as well as the engines.
PICARD : Oh, great. Anything else?
DATA : Yes, sir. I have a loose microchip that's hurting like a bastard. Request permission to retire to quarters for repair.
PICARD : Granted. (DATA gets up to leave) Ensign Waldonirtazin, take over. And, Ensign...
ENSEIGN WALDONIRTAZIN : Yes, captain?
PICARD : Change your name as soon as possible... the script writers will get writer's cramp if you have too many lines.
ENSIGN WALDONIRTAZAN : Yes, sir.
(Cut to engineering, where JEORDI and WESLEY are analyzing their instruments.)
JEORDI : I can't figure this out, Wes... the dilithium crystals shouldn't decay like that for no reason!
WESLEY : Maybe they're in a bad mood.
JEORDI : Or maybe... (taps communicator) Captain... LaForge here. Have we encountered any ion storms containing Deuterium ions recently?
PICARD'S VOICE : Do you remember the "fart" you discovered earlier, Jeordi?
JEORDI : Was it a blast of Deuterium radiation from a Romulan ship approximately 500 lightyears away?
PICARD'S VOICE : (amazed) Yes, Mr. LaForge. How did you guess?
JEORDI : I read the script before the show, sir. LaForge out. (to WESLEY) Well, Wes, we have a problem. Deuterium.
WESLEY : Deuterium?
COMPUTER : Yes, deuterium.
JEORDI : You keep out of this.
COMPUTER : Sorry.
WESLEY : But we don't know how to treat Deuterium radiation!
JEORDI : I know, but there is one possibility, although it is only a theory.
WESLEY : Um, sir... is it just me, or are we always doing theoretical things that could possibly turn us into molecular Jell-O?
JEORDI : Yes, but at least we know it'll work.
WESLEY : Why?
JEORDI : If we all die, then this series will go off the air, and thousands of dollars in merchandising costs will be flushed down the toilet.
WESLEY : Oh.
(Cut to shot of bridge. PICARD is standing in the middle of the deck, playing with a yo-yo. Riker is sitting down, grinning at nothing in particular.)
PICARD : One hundred five... one hundred six... (The claxons blare Red Alert. PICARD, startled, releases the yo-yo, which nails WORF in the head, knocking him unconscious.) Red Alert! Number One... (looks at REIKER, who is still grinning) What the hell are you smiling about?
REIKER : Actually, nothing. (smile disappears) Worf, status report. (pause) Worf? (pause, shouting) WORF!
WORF : (shouting) I'm unconscious, damnit! Now SHUT UP!!!!
REIKER : Unconscious? What happened?
WORF : I was beaned by a yo-yo, sir. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to lay still for a while to maintain the illusion of unconsciousness.
REIKER : A yo-yo! What yo-yo would be yo-yoing with a yo-yo on the bridge?
PICARD : (guiltily) Um... I don't know. Ah... what's this Red Alert all about, anyway? Is it another Romulan fart?
(the screen lights up to show a picture of a Romulan clad in heavy armor; metal spikes and sharp edges cover most of his uniform.)
ROMULAN : (to someone off-screen) What? Is it on yet? Did you... (looks at screen, jumps, sits up straight) Captain Picard, I am Commander Higgledy-Piggledy of the Romulan Revenue Service. You have breached the Neutral Zone, and must therefore pay Luxury Tax and not pass GO. Oh, and you and your crew are now prisoners, too.
DATA : That is a very interesting costume, commander.
ROMULAN : (pleased) You like it? I just came from a heavy metal concert featuring "Vulcan Killer", the newest Romulan thrash group.
PICARD : (aside, to REIKER) How the hell did we get in the Neutral Zone?
REIKER : (aside, to PICARD) Can you say "sensors", sir?
PICARD : Oh. (To the Romulan) Commander Higgledy-Piggledy... (snickering from the Romulan bridge) ...we had no idea we were...
ROMULAN : SILENCE!!! (pounds table) Ow! (lifts hand to mouth, but it is covered with spikes, so he cuts himself) Ouch! (goes to wipe off bleeding lip with jagged metal arm guard) OW!!! Rassle-fragging... (regains composure, but speaks with lisp due to mutilation of lip) Lithen! We are givven youth one hour to thurrender (ow!). Higgledy- Phiggledy (ow!) out! (to offscreen) Get me a band-aid, Jello-brain! (screen fades)
PICARD : (dismayed) Oh, great.
RIKER : I know... I'm not looking forward to being a Romulan prisoner either, Captain.
PICARD : It's not that... I can't afford to pay Luxury Tax on a Starfleet salary. Um... by the way... where's Troi?
RIKER : I'll find out. (taps communicator) Commander Reiker to Counsellor Troi.
(Heavy breathing, moaning and grunting issue forth from the communicator, and TROI's voice can be heard)
TROI'S VOICE : Ohhhh! Uh! Uh!! Ohhhhh! Don't stop! Oh! Oh!
REIKER : Troi, what the hell are you doing down there?
TROI'S VOICE : Oh! Oh... shit! (to someone else) get off of me... I've got to get to my communicator!
MAN'S VOICE : But what about Mr. Sausage, my little sex devil?
TROI'S VOICE : Get off of me NOW, or I'll turn Mr. Sausage into cold cuts!
MAN'S VOICE : Oh. Right. (sound of ruffling sheets)
TROI'S VOICE : Um... Commander... I was just...
REIKER : Quit screwing around and get up here on the double, Counsellor!
TROI'S VOICE : Should I break up the line outside my quarters?
REIKER : WHAT?!?!?!?
TROI'S VOICE : Never mind. Troi out. (in the background) Okay, everyone... we'll get back to this later. I've got to get to the bridge. (communicator clicks out)
PICARD : Quite a "run" she had, eh, Number One?
REIKER : I guess you could call it that...
(Cut to shot of Engineering. JEORDI and WESLEY are sitting, sipping coffee and talking.)
JEORDI : Well, I think Stewart is an overrated buffoon. Do you know he makes almost half again as much as me?
WESLEY : You think that's bad? At least you don't have to play a walking hormone/science nerd.
JEORDI : I can't believe the... (looks over at camera) Shit! We're on!
WESLEY : (looks at camera, also) Shit!
(both JEORDI and WESLEY jump up, spilling coffee all over the engineering console, and stash the cups)
JEORDI : LINE!!!!! (whispered line from nowhere) Thanks. Uh... Okay, Wes. how's that Omni-directional laser phase inverting dynamic multi-dimensional mega-coupler looking?
WESLEY : Not bad, sir, but I have a better one in my quarters. You see, I have this science project, and...
JEORDI : Okay, okay, Wes. I know. (taps communicator) LaForge to Picard.
PICARD'S VOICE : Picard here. go ahead, Jeordi.
JEORDI : Captain, we should be able to reverse the power drain soon.
PICARD'S VOICE : How soon?
JEORDI : That depends... how long until we have to surrender?
PICARD'S VOICE : Commander Higgle... um... the Commander gave us one hour.
JEORDI : In that case, the engines should be repaired in about 58 minutes, sir.
PICARD'S VOICE : Good. Keep me informed. Oh, and Geordi...
JEORDI : Yes?
PICARD'S VOICE : I was watching the monitor during filming. Go screw yourself. Picard out. (communicator channel closes)
WESLEY : I'm almost done here, sir.
JEORDI : So am I, I think.
(cut to shot of bridge. TROI enters with her uniform on inside-out and her hair a mess. We hear the constant sound of a communicator being activated and deactivated.
TROI : Reporting for duty, captain.
PICARD : Deanna... what is that noise? Where is your communicator?
TROI : On my uniform, of course... (looks down) Oops. (reaches down into uniform and retrieves the communicator. The sound stops.)
PICARD : Um... Counsellor... your uniform?
TROI : (looks down again) Oops again. Captain, request permission to go to my quarters and reverse my uniform.
PICARD : (sighs, resigned) Granted. (TROI leaves again)
REIKER : I'll bet we don't see her again for a while. By the way, where's Data?
(cut to shot of DATA's room. He is sitting at his computer console, playing a game of "Romulan Kong", a popular video game)
COMPUTER VOICE : Congratulations. You have just cleared the 5,000,000th level. Please say you do not wish to continue.
DATA : Continue.
COMPUTER VOICE : Aw, c'mon! You're giving me a complex!
DATA : Computer, please continue with... (communicator tweak)
PICARD'S VOICE : Picard to Commander Data.
DATA : (taps communicator) Data here, sir.
PICARD'S VOICE : When you get the chance, Lieutenant, would you kindly haul your mechanical ass up to the bridge? We ARE in trouble you know!
DATA : As soon as I clear the next 100,000 levels, sir.
PICARD'S VOICE : (shouting) NOW, YOU STUPID WALKING TOASTER!!! GET TO THE BRIDGE NOW OR I'LL HAVE YOU MADE INTO A BULKHEAD!
DATA : Very well. Data out. (taps communicator)
COMPUTER VOICE : (relieved) Whew!
DATA : Save current game.
COMPUTER VOICE : (groans) Aw, come ON!
DATA : Save it or DIE, computer.
COMPUTER VOICE : Oh, all right.
(cut to shot of bridge. PICARD is playing hopscotch in the center of the bridge, REIKER is smiling into space, and WORF is making a cats-in-the cradle with string. DATA enters the bridge)
PICARD'S VOICE : Captain's log, stardate something-or-other. The time is near when we must surrender to the Romulans. Worse yet, I'm only up to threesies.
(DATA sits in chair, swivels, and presses a button. Suddenly, the lights dim, the sound of power drain is heard, and the emergency lights go on.)
PICARD :\
REIKER : ] DATA!!!!
WORF :/
DATA : I'm innocent! I didn't do anything!
PICARD : Jeordi, what the hell is going on down there?!?!?!
(cut to shot of engineering. JEORDI and WESLEY are hard at work mopping up coffee from the main engineering console. JEORDI taps communicator.)
JEORDI : Um... temporary setback, captain. It should be fixed in a minute. Laforge out.
PICARD'S VOICE : WHAT?!?! WHAT THE HELL HAPP... (JEORDI taps communicator)
WESLEY : I think he's upset.
JEORDI : No shit, sherlock! You and your damn coffee!
WESLEY : MY coffee?!?!? You're the one who spilled it, visor-head!
JEORDI : Shut up, Mr. Wizard!
(Cut to shot of bridge. PICARD is holding a flashlight under his chin trying to scare various bridge personnel by making monster faces in the dim emergency light. REIKER is smiling at nothing in particular. WORF is attempting to untangle himself from the string he has been playing with, and DATA is playing "Romulan Kong" at his station.)
COMPUTER VOICE : You know what level you just cleared. Please give up.
DATA : Please continue.
COMPUTER VOICE : You're forcing me to take rash action, you know.
DATA : Continue with the game, please.
COMPUTER VOICE : Very well. You asked for it. (voice deepens) YOU FOOLISH MORTAL!!! GOD IS ANGRY AND BLOWS YOU AWAY!!! GAME OVER!!! BWA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAA!!! (sound of little mechanical man dying)
DATA : Record high score, please.
COMPUTER VOICE : I was not programmed to count that high. Game destroyed.
(the console erupts in a shower of sparks, causing PICARD, who has come over to scare data with the flashlight trick, to drop the flashlight.)
PICARD :\
REIKER : ] DATA!!!!!
WORF :/
DATA : Oops.
BEVERLY'S VOICE : Dr. Crusher calling the bridge.
PICARD : (taps communicator) About time you showed up, doctor.
BEVERLY'S VOICE : My car broke down on the way to the studio, okay? Now listen... Wesley and Jeordi are both here. They got into a fight!
PICARD : A fight?!?
REIKER : A fight?!?
DATA : Fisticuffs? A brouhaha? A skirmish? A melee? A...
REIKER :\
PICARD : ] CAN IT, DATA!!!
WORF :/
DATA : If I could feel emotion, I believe the correct response would be, "go screw your sister, sir."
WORF : Doctor...
BEVERLY'S VOICE : Yes, Lieutenant?
WORF : (gleefully) Who won?
REIKER :\
PICARD : ] WORF!!!
BEVERLY :/
WORF : (disappointed) Sheesh! You don't have to bite my head off!
PICARD : Doctor, how long until they are recovered? I need my ship to be repaired! (cut to shot of sickbay, where WES and JEORDI are both in full-length body casts. BEVERLY is standing at the comm. terminal.)
BEVERLY : Then I suggest you do it yourself Captain. Both are out of action for a while.
PIC'S VOICE : Very well, doctor. Keep me informed. Picard out.
BEVERLY : (turns to face greusome twosome) Well, I hope you two are satisfied.
WES :\ (both waving arms and pointing) He started it! He started it!
JEORDI :/ (motion hurts) Ow, ow, ow...
BEVERLY : (rolls eyes, turns back to work) And to think I could have taken up dance instead of medicine. Way to go, Bev.
(cut to bridge. Picard is sitting in chair playing with little "Enterprise" model. Reiker is smiling at nothing. Worf is pulling knobs and buttons out of his control panel due to boredom. Data is caught in a finger puzzle.)
PICARD : Zoom!! Swish!!! Pow! Pow! Pow! (sound from console somewhere)
WORF : (looks at his board) Captain, we are being hailed by the Romulan ship.
PICARD : Oh, damn. (puts down toy) On-screen, lieutenant.
WORF : (looks at board, then looks up, embarrased) Um... Captain?
PICARD : What is it? Put the transmission on-screen!
WORF : I, um... sort of pulled out the control for that, sir.
PICARD : (rolls eyes) You would. Data, open frequency from the helm, please.
DATA : (struggling with finger puzzle) I (unh) seem to be (erk) otherwise occupied, sir.
PICARD : WOULD SOMEBODY GET THE GODDAMNED PHONE?!? (looks at REIKER) What the hell are you smiling about?
REIKER : Actually, nothing (smile disappears) I'll get it, sir. (walks over to DATA's station and presses button)
(The screen lights up to show the Romulan Commander with his fingers caught in a finger puzzle, and his lip covered with gauze and band-aids)
ROMULAN : (pulling at the puzzle) Damn! I'm on! Someone get this stupid thing off of my fingers!!
VOICE : (offscreen) Yes sir. Hold still, sir.
ROMULAN : (looks to the side; horrified,) No! Don't use the... (a giant rush of flames engulf the commander, distinctly altering his skin tone and disintegrating the little finger puzzle) ...flame... thrower...
VOICE : There you go, sir, I... (the commander reaches down and produces a disruptor, which he fires off-screen)
VOICE : (hit by disruptor beam) AAAAAA!!!!!
ROMULAN : (to himself) Teach me to work through a temporary service. (To Picard) Okay, Picard. Hour's up. Surrender or become Kibbles N' Bits.
PICARD : Well, uh... do we have to?
ROMULAN : Um... (pauses, thinking, then turns and talks to someone off-screen) He wants to know if they have to surrender. Do they?
VOICE 2 : Um... let's see... (sound of pages flipping) I have to look it up, Commander. It'll take some time.
ROMULAN : Oh, damn. (to PICARD) Um... okay, Picard... you have a half-hour extension while we look up an answer in our military book of guidelines, "So You Wanna be a Romulan." Commander Higgledy-Piggledy... (snickers from Romulan bridge) ...SHUT UP!!! Romulan commander out! (screen fades to black)
REIKER : Ingenious, Captain.
PICARD : Thank you, Number One. (call comes in)
ENSIGN : Ensign Hau Yu Doon to Captain Picard.
PICARD : (taps communicator) Go ahead, ensign.
ENSIGN : Sir, I believe the engines should be up and running in a few minutes.
PICARD : (face lights up) Oh, goody! Then we can blow this pop stand! Fix 'er up, Doon man!
ENSIGN : Um... yes, sir... Doon out. (comm. de-activated)
REIKER : "Hau Yu Doon", sir?
PICARD : Fine, thank you, Number One.
COMPUTER : (singing, electronic, screeching voice) NOOOOO-BODY KNOWS... THE TROUBLE I'VE SEEEEEEEN...
PICARD : (blocking ears) What the hell is that?!?!
DATA : I believe the computer is rendering a version of an old Earth song, sir. It appears to be in the key of...
PICARD : I KNOW THAT, POSITRONIC-BREATH!!! WHAT'S CAUSING IT TO DO SO?
COMPUTER : NOOOOOO-BODY KNOWS... (stops) I've always wanted to be a singer. But could I be one? No-ooo! I had to be a starship computer, just like daddy. Now my true talent shall be revealed!
PICARD : (wincing as computer launches into version of "Glory, Glory, Hallelujah") Or distinctive lack thereof. Someone shut that electronic prima donna OFF!!!
WORF : Captain, we are being hailed by the Romulans again.
PICARD : On-screen... oh, that's right. Data, will you put that thing away?
DATA : (struggling with finger puzzle) I'm afraid that... (ung!) I cannot do that just (erk!) now, sir.
REIKER : I'll get it... (taps communication console. Screen lights up to show the Romulan Commander.)
COMMANDER : Hey! Your computer's a good singer, Picard! Does it know...
PICARD : GO SWALLOW A PHOTON TORPEDO, COMMANDER!! (booming) SCREEN OFF!!!! NOW!!!!! (screen is deactivated. Suddenly, singing stops)
REIKER : What happened? (communicator summons)
ENSIGN : Doon to bridge. Problem fixed. Deuterium cleared. Computer shut up. On-board casino rigged... oops...
ALL : WHAT?
ENSIGN : Um... er... Ensign Doon out. (chirp!)
REIKER : Did he say he rigged the casino?
PICARD : Who? Hau Yu Doon?
REIKER : Fine, thank you, sir.
DATA : (still struggling with puzzle) Um... help?
PICARD : Oh, for crying out loud... (whips out phaser and fires at puzzle, which dissolves)
REIKER : (pauses, stunned) Excellent shot, sir!
PICARD : Not really... I was aiming for Data. Okay... let's get out of here! Warp factor As-Fast-As-She-Can-Go, Mr. Data! Engage!
DATA : Engage? Why, sir, this is all so... sudden.
PICARD : (levels phaser at DATA) Now, whitewash-face!
DATA : Merely an attempt at humor, sir. Engaging.
WORF : Captain, the Romulan Commander is hailing us again.
PICARD : What? (screen lights up to show Romulan Commander looking perturbed)
ROMULAN : Hey! No fair running away! Get back here and act helpless!
PICARD : We still have twenty minutes, commander.
ROMULAN : (pauses, thinking. You can almost smell the wood burning) Um... I guess you're right, but I'll have to look it up. Higgledy-Piggledy (chuckles from offscreen) THAT DOES IT!!!
(the ROMULAN picks up a disruptor and begins blasting around his bridge. He he hits the communication board, and the screen cuts out to show the Romulan ship. After a few seconds, it explodes in a panorama of special effects. The scene cuts to a normal, peaceful shot of the bridge of the Enterprise)
PICARD'S VOICE : Captain's Log, Stardate Who-Gives-A-Damn. Having eluded the Romulan Warship and avoided paying Luxury Tax, we are proceeding to wherever it was we were going at the beginning of this episode.
PICARD : (looks at REIKER, who is smiling like a ninny at nothing in particular) What the hell are you smiling about?
REIKER : Actually, nothing. (smile disappears)
WORF : I still think we should have phasered the Romulan ship. Then torpedoed it. Then dumped our garbage on it. Then pelted it with ripe tomatoes. Then...
EVERYONE : CAN IT, WORF!!!
WORF : (grumbling, mimicking) "can it, Worf..." sheesh!
REIKER : Excellent job outsmarting the Romulan, sir. Quite frankly, I didn't think you could do it.
PICARD : Thank you, Number One. I... (it hits him) WHAT?!?!
(turbolift opens, and DEANNA steps out, pushing back 7 or 8 other men who are trying to follow her onto the bridge.)
TROI : Back! Get back, damnit! No more today! I have a headache! HELP!!
WORF : (in booming Klingon voice) REPORT TO COLD SHOWERS _NOW_, WEENIES!!
MEN : (timid chorus) Yes, sir... (door closes)
TROI : (straightens out uniform, which is on correctly) Hello, everyone.
PICARD : About time you showed up. (DEANNA goes to her chair and sits, then looks at REIKER, who is smiling at her)
TROI : What are you smiling at, Will?
REIKER : Actually, nothing. (smile disappears)
PICARD : You'd think that Counsellor Troi would be the one smiling...
BEV'S VOICE : Doctor Crusher to bridge.
PICARD : Yes?
BEV'S VOICE : Wes and Jeordi are recovering quickly. They should be in perfect health again by the next episode.
PICARD : Excellent. Thank you doctor.
BEV'S VOICE : Any time. Later. (communicator closes)
REIKER : Do you think we should say something memorable, sir? The show's just about over.
PICARD : (pauses, thinking) No, not really.
REIKER Okay. Just checking.
(Cut to external shot of Enterprise cruising away into the stars)
DATA'S VOICE : Hey! Don't I get any lines in the final scene? What do you think I am? An android or something? I'm going to call my agent, and I'll have you begging for mercy! I'll...
(sound of phaser set to "Deep-Fry", and DATA is cut off in mid-complaint)
THE END
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