babylon5@solaris.cc.vt.edu wrote thusly:
| As for the finale...ehhh. An omnipotent alien tests a human to see
| if the human race is worthwhile. Seems to me we've seen that story on ST
| a LOT. And the time-bouncing to learn a lesson seemed awfully reminiscent
| of the DS9 pilot.
Heh. I couldn't help but imagine them coming up with this episode...
Writer1: Okay, so what REALLY COOL thing can we do for our last episode?
Writer2: Ummmm... What about some REALLY POWERFUL new alien threat?
Writer1: No no, remember we've already written the movie.
Writer2: Drat.
Writer1: Come on, anyone else have an idea? Something GREAT.
Writer2: Hey wouldn't it be neat to bring back some of those old characters
which all the stupid fans just can't get enough of?
Writer1: I like it! How can we do that?
Writer3: Have Picard go back in time?
Writer2: Yeah! Hey tech advisor! Any ideas on what could cause this?
ObTechy: Howsa 'bout a techyon beam and some kind of anti-time thing?
Writer1: [scribbling madly] Cool! I like it, I like it! But, we've
done time travel before, what can make this DIFFERENT?
Writer3: [scratching head] Gosh, tough one.
Writer2: Hmmmmmmm....
Writer3: Make him go back just MENTALLY, like he's in his old body and
experiencing what he did before. Almost like a dream. And he
could switch back and forth a lot, to keep it interesting.
Writer1: Good! Some great dramatic possibilities there, but I still think
we need something MORE. Remember, this is our LAST EPISODE.
Writer2: Go back to the ORIGINAL Enterprise, too...?
Writer1: YES!!!!
[Someone from accounting suddenly runs over and whispers savagely into
Writer1's ear, as Writer1's expression changes from excitement to
dissapointment.]
Writer1: No, on second thought, I don't like it.
Writer2: Drat.
Writer3: [frantically waving hand in air] I'VE GOT IT, I'VE GOT IT!!
Writer1: What??
Writer3: Make it a THREAT to ALL OF HUMANITY!!
Writer1&Writer2: YES!!!!!
Writer1: Incredibly exciting!
Writer2: Wait, and make them go FORWARD in time, too!!
Writer3: Yeah, and HAVE Q IN IT TOO!!!!
Writers and accountants in unison: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Writer1: [tears of joy streaming down face] Oh yes, this is just
incredible! And how is Q involved in this?
Writer3: Well he's testing all of humanity, of course.
Writer1: Of course, but it's gotta have a TWIST.
Writer2: He's actually on our side...?
Writer1: Good! Okay tech, got any ideas how he could threaten humanity?
ObTechy: Well obviously, since Q exists out of time, he would want to
send a threat BACKWARDS in time so that we couldn't do anything
about it. And just as obviously, sending THREE tachyon beams
together into the SAME PLACE in space but at DIFFERENT places in
TIME will create a REALLY DEADLY space/time anomaly which would
get PROGRESSIVELY LARGER as it traveled back in time, thus WIPING
OUT humanity before it could protect itself.
Writer3: [pondering] But wouldn't it eventually wipe out EVERYTHING?
ObTechy: He's Q.
Writer3: [chastised] Oh yeah.
Writer1: Great, it's so OBVIOUS when you've found out. We'll have to be
careful with the script so that people don't guess this until the
PROPER DRAMATIC MOMEMENT.
[All writers make a note of this on their papers.]
Writer1: Now then tech, how can Picard repair this thing?
ObTechy: Well obviously, by making a FORCE-FIELD WARP thingy around it, it
could be CONTAINED and DISSIPATED.
Writer1: Swell! Let's say, you have to put one around it in ALL THREE
of the times, to increase the tension.
Writer2: Oh wait guys, I just got a MAJOR BRAIN-STORM.
Writer1: Let's hear it.
Writer2: Now, this warp thingy sounds like a pretty dangerous thing to do,
if the whatever-it's-called is a THREAT to ALL HUMANITY. So...
what if... just imagine this... As the Enterprises fix it IN
EACH TIME, the ships BLOW UP!
[All in room GASP.]
[Deathly quiet fills the room.]
Writer1: You mean, it blows up THREE TIMES?
Writer2: Yes.
[Mutters of "Oh my God" and "I can't believe it" fill the room.]
Writer1: And how do they survive...?
Writer3: [whispering] Q.
[Shock and amazement fills the room as the full drama of this idea hits
everyone, giving way to a loud drone of excitement.]
Writer1: [unable to contain his emotions] You both get a raise!
[Writer2 and Writer3 become five times as excited as they were previously.]
Writer1: [getting back under control] Great great great, that is perfect.
Now then, I assume he travels back to when he first boarded the
Enterprise, before that bitch left?
Writer2: Of course.
Writer1: Okay then, where does he go FORWARD in time...?
Writer2: Hmmmmm...
Writer3: Tie it in with the movie...?
[Glimmer of enthusiasm on accountants' faces.]
Writer1: I like it, but we don't really know what that thing is about yet.
[Accounts settle back onto the floor in dissapointment.]
Writer2: Hey, what about when he's an OLD MAN...?
Writer1: Yes, yes...
Writer2: And he could have some FATAL ILLNESS!
Writer1: Oh! How DRAMATIC! I love it!!
[Accountant again runs over and whispers fiercely to Writer1.]
Writer1: Uhhhh... but we'll make sure to point out that this is not
necessarily ACTUALLY the real future.
Writer2: Of course.
Writer3: Obviously.
Writer1: [looking at watch] Okay, great! Sounds like we have a WINNER on
our hands here. Now Writer2 and Writer3, I want you to go and
come up with some good mushy sub-plots for us, remember nothing
that commits us too much. Hey, and see if you can think of any
twists to put in there so we can spend a lot of money on special
effect. Don't sweat it, we can always let the SFX people make up
something. And hey tech, come up with some way the other crew
members could PROVE that Picard was actually traveling back in
time so that nobody watching has any doubts about the character,
and maybe expand a bit more on your tachyon stuff. Remember, this
is a TWO HOUR episode! Oh! And we're going to need some
FUTURISTIC fatal illness, too.
[Everyone in room starts scribbling notes, accountants pull out calculators.]
Writer1: [looking around with affection] Well people, this has been
wonderful. I'm sure we've got something we can all be REALLY
PROUD of here, and I want each of you to know how much I appreciate
all of it. We'll get together next week to work out the details
and start assigning parts of the script to writers, and I'm going
to get off to our ad people to give them a head start. Do the
great job you always do, and I'll see you next in the MOVIES!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dianne Kyra Hackborn "I like having the capitol of the United
hackbod@xanth.cs.orst.edu States in Washington, D.C., in spite of
BIX: dhack / IRC: Dianne recent efforts to move it to Lynchburg,
Oregon State University Virginia." -- Frank Zappa
Back to my Star Trek Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page