MAN'S VOICE
The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers
only, there is no stopping in the red zone.
LADY'S VOICE
The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers
only, there is no stopping in the red zone.
ZEALOT 1
Hello, we'd like you to have this flower from the religious
consciousness church, would you care to make a donation?
ELAINE
No, thank you anyway.
MAN'S VOICE
The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers
only, there is no stopping in the white zone.
LADY'S VOICE
NO! The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading and there is
no stopping in the red zone.
MAN'S VOICE
The red zone has always been for loading and unloading there is never
stopping in a white zone.
LADY'S VOICE
Don't tell me which zone is for stopping and which zone is for loading.
MAN'S VOICE
Listen Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again!
ZEALOT 2
Hello, we'd like you to have this flower from the religious
consciousness church, would you like to make a donation?
SOME GUY
No thanks, we gave at the office.
AT SECURITY GATE:
SECURITY GUARD
Would you put all of your metal objects into this dish please (Man
first removes all of his jewelry, etc. then his prosthetic arm and
leg)
MAN'S VOICE
There's just no stopping in a white zone.
LADY'S VOICE
Oh really, Vernon, why pretend, we both know perfectly well what it is
you're talking about. You want me to have an abortion.
MAN'S VOICE
Its really the only sensible thing to do. If its done properly,
therapeutically, there's no danger involved.
SOME GUY
Taxi!
STRIKER
I'll be back in a minute. (sets cab's meter running)
ZEALOT 3
Hello sir, we'd like you to have this flower on behalf of the church
of Religious consciousness, would you
caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarr...
WORKER 1
Hey, Larry, where's the forklift? (To worker#2 who is busy guiding a
plane into a hanger)
WORKER 2
Forklift? Its over there by the baggage loader. (Gestures the
direction of baggage loader with guide sticks causing the plane to go
that direction and to come crashing into the terminal)
PEOPLE
(In terminal) LOOK OUT!!!! ARGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!
(pandemonium).
STRIKER
Elaine!!!!!
ELAINE
Ted!
STRIKER
I came home early and found your note. I guess you meant for me to
read it later. Elaine, I've got to talk to you.
ELAINE
I just don't want to go over it anymore.
STRIKER
I know things haven't been right for a long time, but... It'll be
different. Like it was in the beginning. If you'll just be patient I
can work things out.
ELAINE
I have been patient and I tried to help, but you wouldn't even let me
do that.
STRIKER
Don't you feel anything for me at all anymore?
ELAINE
It takes so many things to make love last. But, most of all, it takes
respect, and I can't live with the man I don't respect.
STRIKER
(To camera) What a PISSER!
PA VOICE
Captain Oever, white courtesy phone. Captain Clarence Oever, white
courtesy phone.
OEVER PICKS UP A RED PHONE.
OPERATOR
NO! THE WHITE PHONE.
OEVER
Oh! (picks up white phone) This is Captain Oever!
OPERATOR
One moment for your call from the Mayo Clinic.
PA VOICE
Captain Oever, white courtesy phone. Captain Clarence Oever, white
courtesy phone.
OEVER
I'VE GOT IT!
PA VOICE
Thank you.
OPERATOR
Go ahead with your call.
MAYO CLINIC DOCTOR
Uh, this is Doctor Brody at the Mayo Clinic. There's a passenger on
your Chicago flight 209er, a little girl named Lisa Davis, en route to
Minneapolis. She's scheduled for a heart transplant, we'd like you to
tell her mother we found a donor an hour ago. We have the heart here,
ready for surgery. . . We must have the recipient on the operating
table within 6 hours. I want you to make sure she's kept in a reclined
position and that a continuous watch is kept on her IV. Also, its very
important that she remain calm. . .
OPERATOR
EXCUSE ME, This is the operator Captain Oever, I have an emergency
call on line 5 from a Mr. Hamm.
OEVER
All right, Give me Hamm on 5, hold the Mayo.
STRIKER
Look, you'll be back in town tomorrow night, we'll... have
dinner. We'll talk things over.
ELAINE
I won't be back, I've requested the Atlanta run.
STRIKER
Elaine, I promise, I can change.
ELAINE
Then why didn't you take the job that Louis Neds offered you at Boeing?
STRIKER
You know I haven't been able to get near a plane since since the
war. Even if I could, they wouldn't hire me because of my war record.
ELAINE
You're war record ??? You're the only one keeping that alive, for
everyone else, its ancient history.
STRIKER
You expect me to believe that?
ELAINE
Its the truth. What's hurt you the most is your record since the
war. Different cities, different jobs and not one of them shows you
can accept any real responsibility.
STRIKER
Elaine, if you just give me one more . . .
ELAINE
Its too late, Ted. When I get back to Chicago, I'm going to start my
life all over again. I'm sorry.
ZEALOT 4
Excuse me, we'd like you to have this flower from the Church of
Religious Conscious. . .PUNCH . . . EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ATTENDENT
Hi! Well, good evening. Oh, there you go. You just follow all the way
back. Hello.
VICTOR
Any word on that storm lifting over Salt Lake, Clarence?
OEVER
No not likely, Victor. I just reviewed the area report for 1600 hours
through 2400.
VICTOR
Uh, huh ...
OEVER
There's a front stalled over the Dakotas, backed all the way to Utah.
VICTOR
Yeah, well, if she decides to push over to the Great Lakes, it could
get plenty slippery.
OEVER
Uh, huh.
VICTOR
What about the southern route, around Tulsa?
OEVER
I double checked the terminal forecast and winds aloft and I had
cloudy ceilings all the way.
VICTOR
Where do they top out?
OEVER
Well . . . there's some light scattered cover to 20,000 icing around
15. . .
WORKER 3
Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..
(falling off ladder from washing plane's windows)
VICTOR
Boy looks like the original plan ought to be the best bet.
OEVER
Denver it is.
MURDOCK
Sorry Clarence. Latest weather report shows everything is sopped in
from Salt Lake to Lincoln.
OEVER
Oh, Hi Roger! Glad to have you aboard! Victor, this is Roger Murdock,
Victor Basta.
VICTOR
How do you do Roger?
MURDOCK
Nice to meet you!
OEVER
Roger, I was telling Victor that I reviewed the area report for 1600
hours through 2400 there's a front stalled over the Dakotas. . .
TICKETER
There you go, thank you.
STRIKER
Can you tell me if Elaine Dickenson is on this flight?
TICKETER
Well, the whole flight crew has boarded. Let me see. Oh yes, she is on
board.
STRIKER
I'd like one ticket to Chicago. No baggage.
(Guy still waits in Taxi for Striker)
TICKETER
Smoking or non-smoking.
STRIKER
Smoking, please.
TICKETER
(Hands Ted a ticket which is literally smoking)There. Have a nice trip.
FLASHBACK: STRIKER.
VOICE
Striker, this is red leader 4. Primary target covered by fog. Decision
to proceed is yours. decision to proceed IS YOURS. IS
YOUUUURRRRS.. YOUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
JIVE MAN 1
Sheeeet, man, that honkey mus' be messin' my old lady got to be
runnin' col' upsihd down his head!
SUBTITLE
GOLLY, THAT WHITE FELLOW SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE OR I WILL PUNCH
HIM.
JIVE MAN 2
Hey Holm, I can dig it! You know he ain't gonna lay no mo' big rap
upon you man!
SUBTITLE
YES, HE IS WRONG FOR DOING THAT.
JIVE MAN 1
I say hey sky, s'other say I won say I pray to J I get the same ol'
same ol.
SUBTITLE
I KNEW A MAN IN A SIMILAR PREDICAMENT, AND HE ENDED UP BEING SORRY.
JIVE MAN 2
Knock yourself a pro slick. Gray matter back got perform' us' down I
take TCBin, man'.
SUBTITLE
DON'T BE NAIVE ARTHUR. EACH OF US FACES A CLEAR MORAL CHOICE.
JIVE MAN 1
You know wha' they say: See a broad to get that bodiac lay'er down an'
smack 'em yack 'em.
SUBTITLE
EARLY TO BED, EARLY TO RISE, MAKES A MAN HEALTHY, WEALTHY AND WISE.
TOGETHER
Col' got to be! Yo!
SUBTITLE
HOW TRUE!
TOGETHER
Sheeeeeeet!
SUBTITLE
GOLLY.
SIGN ON PLANE LIGHTS UP
+-----------------------------+
| NO SMOKING |
| El NO A YOU SMOKO |
| |
| FASTEN SEATBELTS |
| PUTANA DA SEATBELTZ |
+-----------------------------+
OLD LADY
Nervous?
STRIKER
Yes.
OLD LADY
First time?
STRIKER
No, I've been nervous lots of times.
ELAINE
Hi, we'll be taking off real soon. So, I'd better fasten you in tight.
DYING GIRL
Thank you. Oh, mother this is so exciting.
MOTHER
I know, but you must get some rest.
ELAINE
That's good advice. You relax and I'll be back right after we take off.
LOVELORN
God Bill. I am going to miss you so much.
LEAVING
Oh, I'm gonna miss you too. Promise you'll write??
LOVELORN
SIGH . . . Every day. Bill...
CONDUCTOR
Better get on board son. All aboard!!!!!
OEVER
209er to ground control. We're loaded and ready to taxi.
LOVELORN
Goodbye Bill!
LEAVING
Goodbye darling. I love you darling.
TOWER
2-0-9er, taxi to runway 1-9er.
LEAVING
Goodbye darling.
LOVELORN
Have your picture taken the minute you get there. And send me one, all
right?
LEAVING
Okay, here, hurry. (he throws her his watch as she runs along the side
of the taxiing plane.)
LOVELORN
Oh, but your watch, but you shouldn't. You're gonna need this!
LEAVING
Its all right. It doesn't work.
LOVELORN
Bill!
LEAVING
Goodbye darling.
LOVELORN
Bill! (Knocks over light tower while running) Bill! Bill! I'll keep it
with me all the time, I swear to you.
LEAVING
I know darling, take care of yourself, goodbye.
TOWER
Flight 2-0-9er, you're cleared for take off.
OEVER
Roger!
MURDOCK
Huh?
TOWER
L.A. departure frequency 1-2-3 point 9er.
OEVER
Roger!
MURDOCK
Huh? Re-quest Vector, over!
OEVER
What?
TOWER
2-0-9er clear for vector 2-3-4.
MURDOCK
We have clearance Clarence.
OEVER
Roger, Roger. What's our Vector Victor?
TOWER
Tower's radio clearance, over!
OEVER
That's Clarence Oever! Oever.
TOWER
Roger.
MURDOCK
Huh?
TOWER
Roger, over.
MURDOCK
Huh?
OEVER
Huh?
ATTENDENT
DO you feel all right sir?
STRIKER
Oh, I haven't flown for a long time.
OEVER
Good evening ladies and gentleman, this is Captain Oever
speaking. Well, be cruising at 36,000 feet this evening. Our arrival
time in Chicago will be 10:45 pm central time. The temperature there
is currently 62 degrees with a 20% chance of precipitation. Meanwhile,
relax and enjoy your flight.
ELAINE
Would you like something to read?
OLD LADY
Do you have anything light?
ELAINE
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh... how about this leaflet, famous Jewish sports
legends?
OLD LADY
Yes, thank you.
ELAINE
Teeeeeeeeeeeed!?! What are you doing here?
STRIKER
Elaine, I've got to talk to you!
ELAINE
Y-Y-Yo-You shouldn't have come, I don't have time now!
OLD LADY
Stewardess . . .
ELAINE
Excuse me!
OLD LADY
No wonder you're upset! She's lovely! And a darling figure. Supple
pouting breasts. . . firm thighs . . . its a shame you two don't get
along.
STRIKER
Yes, I know, things used to be different. I remember when we first
met. It was during the war. (Flashback) I was in the Air Force
stationed in Drambui, off the Barbary coast. I used to hang out at the
Magumba bar. It was a rough place, the seediest dive on the
wharf. Populated with every reject and cut-throat from Bombay to
Calcutta. I'ts worse than Detroit. The mood in the place was downright
ugly. You wouldn't walk in there unless you knew how to use your
fists. You could count on a fight breaking out almost every
night. (fight between two women breaks out. Chairs are crashed . . .)
(Saturday Night Fever music starts to play when juke box is
clobbered. I didn't go there that night to fall in love; I just
dropped in for a couple of drinks. But, suddenly there she was. I was
captivated, entranced. It hit me like a thunderbolt. I had to ask the
guy next to me to pinch me to make sure I wasn't dreaming. I was
afraid to approach her, but that night, fate was on my side. (The man
Elaine is dancing with gets a knife in his back. He tries to ascertain
help from Elaine by pointing with both hands at his back, but Elaine
thinks that this is a new dance move and mimics him. He collapses and
dies. Striker begins to dance disco style with Elaine, soon a crowd
gathers to watch. Both Ted and Elaine dance in humanly impossible
ways. The crowd cheers. Next the bar is empty, and its the end of the
night. Ted and Elaine are still there with the 2 fighting women. (end
flashback) We laughed, we talked, we danced I never wanted it to
end. I guess I still don't. But, enough about me, I hope this hasn't
been boring for you. It's just that whenever I talk about Elaine, I
get so carried away, I loose all track of time. (Oldlady has hung
herself)
ELAINE
Would you like to order dinner now?
FATHER
Yes, Joey will have the steak and my wife and I will have the fish.
JOEY
When can I see the cockpit, Dad?
FATHER
Joey, I think the pilots are probably too busy flying the plane for
that.
JOEY
Awww, geee whiz!!!!!!!!!!
ELAINE
I'll tell you what Joey, I'll talk to the Captain, and see what I can
arrange.
JOEY
Gee, that'd be swell!
ELAINE
Would you gentleman care to order your dinners?
JIVE MAN 1
Bet babe, slide a piece a da porter, drink si' run th' java.
SUBTITLE
I WOULD LIKE THE STEAK PLEASE.
JIVE MAN 2
Lookie here, I can dig grease and butter on some draggin' fruit garden.
SUBTITLE
I'LL HAVE THE FISH.
SMALL BOY
Excuse me, I happened to be passing and I thought you might like some
coffee.
SMALL GIRL
Oh, that's very nice of you. Thank you. Oh, won't you sit down?
SMALL BOY
Oh thank you. Cream?
SMALL GIRL
No thank you, I take it black . . . . . . like my men.
STRIKER
Well, you see . . . (to a different passenger -- new flashback,
reminiscent of the Blue Lagoon.)
ELAINE
Oh TED! I never knew I could be so happy. These few months have been
just wonderful. Tomorrow, why don't we drive up the coast to that
little seafood place and . . . what's the matter???
STRIKER
My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow, we're bombing
the storage depots at Daiquiri at 18:00 hours. We're coming in from
the orth, below their radar.
ELAINE
When will you be back?
STRIKER
I can't tell you that? It's classified.
ELAINE
Ted, please be careful. I worry about you so much.
STRIKER
I love you Elaine.
Elaine: I love you!
(Return from flashback, the passenger stabs himself to death)
DENVER
Flight 2-0-9er, this is Denver flight control. You are approaching
some rough weather. Please climb to 42,000 feet.
OEVER
Roger, Denver.
ELAINE
We have a visitor. . .
OEVER
Hello.
MURDOCK
Hi!
ELAINE
This is Captain Oever, Mr. Murdock and Mr. Basta. This is Joey
Hammond. . .
OEVER
Well, hi Joey.
MURDOCK
Come on up here, you can see better.
OEVER
We have something here for our special visitors (takes out a model
airplane for Joey), would you like to have it?
JOEY
Thank youuuuuuu! Thanks a lot!
OEVER
Sure. You ever been in a cockpit before?
JOEY
No sir, I've never been up in a plane before.
OEVER
You ever . . . seen a grown man naked ?
MURDOCK
Do you want me to check the weather Clarence?
OEVER
No, why don't you take care of it. Joey, did ya ever hang around a
gymnasium?
ELAINE
We'd better get back now Joey!
OEVER
Noooooooo, Joey can stay here for a while if he'd like.
JOEY
Could I?
ELAINE
Okay, if you don't get in the way.
MURDOCK
Flight 2-0-9er to Denver radio, climbing to cruise at 42,000. Will
report again over Lincoln. Over and out.
JOEY
Wait a minute! I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabar. You played
basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers.
MURDOCK
I'm sorry son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My
name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot.
JOEY
You are Kareem! I've seen you play. My dad's got season tickets.
MURDOCK
I think you should go back to your seat now Joey. Right Clarence?
OEVER
Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, he's not bothering anyone, let him stay here.
MURDOCK
But just remember, my name is ROGER MURDOCK. I'm an airline pilot.
JOEY
I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard
enough on defense. And he says that lots of times, you don't even run
down court. And that you don't really try . . . except during the
playoffs.
MURDOCK
The hell I don't!! (grabs Joey by collar) LISTEN KID! I've been
hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my
buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Denier up and
down the court for 48 minutes.
OEVER
Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?
STRIKER
Elaine, just hear me out. I know things haven't been right for a long
time, but it'll be different. like it was in the beginning, remember?
ELAINE
I remember everything. All I have are memories. Mostly, I remember the
nights when we were together. I remember how you used to hold me
and... how I used to sit on your face and wiggle and...afterwards how
we'd watch 'til the sun came up. When it did, it was almost like
. . . like . . . each new day was made only for us.
STRIKER
That's the way I've always wanted it to be Elaine.
ELAINE
But it won't be . . . not as long as you insist on living in the past.
(Striker flashes back --)
VOICE
You're too low Ted . . . YOU'RE TOO LOW!
(Now in military mental hospital. Random mental hospital conversation
has been skipped. Striker is painting a picture of a guy in the middle
of an explosion)
DOCTOR
Okay Robert, slip em down, this won't hurt much . .
ELAINE
You got a telegram from headquarters today.
STRIKER
HEADQUARTERS?!? What is it?
ELAINE
Well, its a big building where generals meet. But that's not important
right now. They've cleared you of any blame for what happened in that
raid. Isn't that good news?
STRIKER
Is it? Because of my mistake 6 men didn't return from that raid.
ELAINE
7, Lieutenant Zip died this morning. . . (Striker spits out drink)The
Doctor says you'll be out in a week, isn't that wonderful?
STRIKER
Wish I could say the same for George Zip.
ELAINE
Be patient Ted, nobody expects you to get over this immediately.
SUBJECT
Hey Striker, How bout a break, I'm getting tired.
STRIKER
Yeah, all right. Take 5. (We see that the subject has been standing in
a contorted stance with an explosion backdrop exactly mimicking the
painting Striker has been working on)
ELAINE
I have found a wonderful apartment for us. It has a brick fireplace
and a cute little bedroom with mirrors on the ceiling and . . .
JELEEN
Red leader, Red Leader . . . I'm goin' down (makes gunner noises)
STRIKER
Captain Jeleen. He thinks he's a pilot still fighting the war.
JELEEN
I've found the tunnel Johnson!! It's this way. $25 for a cigarette is
too much!
HERWITZ
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
ELAINE
What's his problem?
STRIKER
Its Lt. Herwitz. Severe shell shock. Thinks he's Ethel Merman.
(We cut back to Herwitz, but he is now replaced with the real Ethel Merman)
HERWITZ
You'lllllll be swell...
You'll be great...
Gonna have the whole world on a plate.
Startin' here.
Startin' now.
Honey, everything's coming up rosseehhhhhhhhsss.
(He (she)faints)
STRIKER
War is hell.
(Meanwhile back on the plane)
ATTENDENT
Would you like some coffee before we serve dinner?
STRIKER
No, no thank you.
ATTENDENT
Would either of you like another cup of coffee?
MOTHER 2
I will, but Jim won't.
FATHER
I think I will have another cup of coffee.
MOTHER 2
(To herself in an echo voice) Jim never has a second cup at home.
ATTENDENT
Excuse me sister . . .
NUN
Yeahhhs?
ATTENDENT
There's little girl on board up front who's ill and ..
NUN
Oh, yes. I saw, poor child.
ATTENDENT
Could I borrow your guitar . . . I think maybe I could cheer her up.
NUN
Of course.
ATTENDENT
Ohhhh.... thank you. (She drags guitar across the passengers heads)
ATTENDENT
Hi!
MOTHER
Hi!
ATTENDENT
Do you mind if I talk to your daughter?
MOTHER
No I think that'd be nice.
ATTENDENT
Hi, I'm Randy.
DYING GIRL
I'm Lisa . . . YOU HAVE A GUITAAAAR!
ATTENDENT
Uh, huh! I thought maybe you'd like to hear a song.
DYING GIRL
I'd love too!
ATTENDENT
Okay. Let's see, uh... this is one of my favorites!
I've traveled the banks of the river of Jordan
To find where it flows to the sea
I looked in the eyes of the cold and the hungry
And I saw that I was looking at meeeeeee.
And I wanted to know if life had a purpose
And what it all means in the end
In the silence I listened to voices inside me
And they told me again and again.
There is only one river (Knocks IV out of Lisa's
arm with guitar but doesn't notice)
There is only one sea
And it flows through you
And it flows through me (Lisa is having conniptions
about her IV as if about to die)
There is only one people
We are one in the same (The whole plane begins to
clap along)
We are all one spirit
One naaaaaaaaaaaammmme.
We are the father
We are one.
We are one.
We are one.
OEVER
Little late tonight. We've been waiting for you.
ELAINE
Who wants to be first?
MURDOCK
Go ahead Clarence, I got 'er.
ELAINE
How's the weather?
MURDOCK
Not so good. We've got some heavy stuff ahead of us. It might get
rough again unless we can climb on top.
STRIKER
(To a guy in a turban) Yeah, after the war, I just wanted to get as
far away from things as possible. Elaine and I joined the Peace
Corps. We were assigned to an isolated tribe: the Malumbos. (Flashback
to African tribe). They'd never seen Americans before.
STRIKER
It was really a challenge during the year introducing them to our
western culture. At first they didn't know what to think of us, but
soon we gained their trust.
ELAINE
It will help you better prepare and store foods for the up and coming
Monsoon months. Also, Supperware products are ideal for storing
leftovers to help stretch your food dollar. This 2 quart Sealz-em
Right container will keep hot dog buns fresh for days.
STRIKER
You must understand, these people had been completely isolated from
civilization. No one had ever outlined a physical fitness program for
them and they had no athletic equipment. I started them on simple
calisthenics and slowly worked them up to rudimentary game skills. And
finally, advanced competitive theory. I was patient with them and they
were eager to learn. they seemed to enjoy themselves. It was probably
due to the advanced American techniques that we were able to bridge
the generations of isolation communicate so successfully with
Mulambos. (The Mulambos start to play basketball like pros) I think
they're finally getting the hang of it when we re-enlist, I'll teach
them baseball.
ELAINE
Ted, I don't want to stay here, its time for us to go back home to the plans we made before the war.
STRIKER
A lot of people made plans before the war . . . like George Zip. It was at that moment that I first realized Elaine had doubts about our relationship. And that as much as anything else led to my drinking problem (He pours his drink on himself.) We did come back to the states, I tried a number of jobs . . . well, I could go on for hours, but I would probably start to bore you. (Guy in turban pulls out knife and points it to his heart) I really couldn't blame Elaine (Guy stabs himself and moans) she wanted a career.
OLD LADY 2
Uhhhhhhhh...... I can't stand it. Ohhhhhhh.
ELAINE
Yes?
OLD LADY 2
Oh... its my stomach. I haven't felt this awful since we saw that Ronald Reagan film. uhh.
ELAINE
I'll see if I can find some Dramamine. (Goes to cockpit) Captain, one of the woman passengers is very sick.
OEVER
Airsick?
ELAINE
I think so, but I've never seen it so acute.
OEVER
Find out if there's a doctor on board as quietly as you can. . . Joey . . . have you ever been in a, a Turkish prison?
FATHER
Ohhhhhhhhhh, I shouldn't have had that second cup of
coffee. (he vomits)
MOTHER 2
(In echo voice)Jim never vomits at home.
ELAINE
I'm sorry I had to wake you, I'm just looking for a doctor, there's
nothing to worry about.
WOMAN 3
Stewardess, I think the man sitting next to me is
a Doctor.
ELAINE
Sir, excuse me sir, I am sorry I have to wake you, sir, are you a doctor?
RUMACK
That's right.
ELAINE
We have some passengers that are very sick, could you come take a look
at them?
RUMACK
Yes, of course. . . (To sick woman)Let me see your tongue. (eggs begin
to come out of her mouth. Rumack cracks one and a bird flys out)I'll
be back in a minute. (To Elaine) You'd better tell the Captain we've
got to land as soon as possible, we've got to get them to the
hospital. . .
ELAINE
A hospital . . what is it?
RUMACK
Its a big building with patients, but that's not important right
now. Tell the captain I must speak to him.
ELAINE
Certainly.
(Victor is getting sick)
OEVER
Victor, we're running into some heavy weather . . . can you (Victor
passes out)Roger! Take OVER!
RUMACK
Captain, how soon can you land?
OEVER
I can't tell.
RUMACK
You can tell me, I'm a doctor.
OEVER
NO, I mean I'm just not sure.
RUMACK
Well, can't you take a guess?
OEVER
Well, not for another 2 hours.
RUMACK
You can't take a guess for another 2 hours?
OEVER
No, no, no. I mean we can't land for another 2 hours fog has closed
down everything this side of the mountains. We've got to get through
to Chicago.
???????
What is it doctor?
RUMACK
I'm not sure. I haven't seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant
concert. What was it we had for dinner tonight?
ELAINE
Well, we had a choice, steak or fish.
RUMACK
Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna. What did he have?
ELAINE
Fish . . .
ATTENDENT
Doctor, there are 2 more sick people and the rest of the passengers
are worried.
RUMACK
I'll go take care of the passengers. Find out what the two sick people
had for dinner.
OEVER
This is Captain Oever speaking, been a little bumpy up here, but we'll
be past it in a couple minutes. A few points of interest we are now
flying over Hoover dam and a little later on, we'll pass just to the
south of the Grand Canyon. Meanwhile, relax and enjoy your flight,
okay? CHICAGO: THIS IS FLIGHT 2-0-9er. . . We're in trouble, we've
got to have all traffic below us cleared. I want a priority approach
and landing in Chicago.
MOTHER 2
Stewardess, my husband is very sick can you do something please?
ELAINE
Well, the doctor will be with you in just a moment. One thing, do you
know what he had for dinner?
MOTHER 2
Yes, of course, we both had fish. Why?
ELAINE
Oh, its nothing to be alarmed about. We'll be back to you very quickly.
ELAINE
Dr. Rumack, Mr. Hammond ate fish, and Randy said there five more cases
and they all had fish too.
RUMACK
And the Co-Pilot had fish, what did the navigator have?
ELAINE
He had fish.
RUMACK
All right, now we know what we're up against. Every passenger on this
flight who had fish for dinner will become violently ill in the next
half hour (Oever notices he had fish and begins to come down with the
symptoms as they are described)
ELAINE
Just how serious is it Doctor?
RUMACK
Extremely serious. It starts with a slight fever and dryness of the
throat. When the virus penetrates the red blood cells, the victim
becomes dizzy begins to experience an itchy rash, then the poison goes
to work on the central nervous system, severe muscle spasms followed
by the inevitable grueling. At this point, the entire digestive system
collapses accompanied by uncontrollable flatulence (Oever begins to
fart) Until finally, the poor bastard is reduced to a quivering wasted
piece of jelly.
OEVER
Au--to--ma-tic pi-lot.
ELAINE
(Searches for button)Automatic pilot, automatic pilot, there it is
. . . (Otto begins to inflate)
RUMACK
I'll go back to the passengers.
CHICAGO
Come in 2-0-9er, this is Chicago. Flight 2-0-9er,
come in.
ELAINE
This is Elaine Dickenson, I'm the stewardess, Captain Oever has passed
out on the floor and the co-pilot and navigator too. We're in terrible
trouble, over.
MCCROSKY
Roger, Elaine, Roger. I read you. This is Steve McCrosky at Chicago
air control, Back to you in a minute (To Tower)Hold all takeoffs, I
don't want another plane in the air. When the 508 reports, bring it
straight in. Put out a general bulletin to suspend meal service on
flights out of Los Angeles. Tell all dispatchers to remain at their
posts, its gonna be long night. How 'bout some coffee, Johnny?
JOHNNY
NO THANKS!
MCCROSKY
I want the weather on every landing field this side of the line, no
matter what the size. Do you understand? Anyplace, anyplace where
there's a chance to land that plane. (To Siamese twins) Stan, go up
stairs to the tower and get a runway diagram. Terry, check down the
field for emergency equipment.
AIRDUDE
Chief we got fog right down to the deck, every place east of the
Rockies. There's no possible place to land, they'll have to come
through to Chicago.
MCCROSKY
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking. I want the best
available man on this, a man who knows that plane inside and out and
won't crack under pressure.
JOHNNY
How 'bout Mr. Rogers?
MCCROSKY
Get me REX KRAMER! Elaine, right next to the throttle is the air
speed gauge. What speed does it indicate?
ELAINE
520 miles per hour.
MCCROSKY
Good now, check your altitude. That's the dial just below and to the
right of the air speed indicator.
ELAINE
35,000 feet. NO wait, 34,000 feet . . . NO WAIT, its dropping. Its
dropping fast, why's it doing that? Oh my god, the automatic pilot,
it's deflating.
MCCROSKY
Don't panic, on the belt line of the automatic pilot there's a tube,
now that is the manual inflation nozzle. Take it out and blow on it.
PASSENGER
What the hell's going on up there?
RUMACK
Elaine?
ELAINE
Yes, Doctor.
RUMACK
Elaine, you're a member of this crew. Can you face a few unpleasant facts?
ELAINE
NO.
RUMACK
All right, unless I get those people to a hospital quickly, I can't
even be sure of saving their lives. Now, is there anyone on board who
can land this plane?
ELAINE
Well, no, no one I know of.
RUMACK
I think you ought to know what are chances are. The life of everyone
on board depends on one thing: finding someone on board who can not
only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner.
ELAINE
Ladies and gentleman, this is your stewardess speaking We regret any
inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused this is due
to periodic airpockets we encountered. There's no reason to be alarmed
and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there
anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
(PANDEMONIUM ENSUES, EVERYONE RUNS EVERYWHERE . . .)
(Back at Rex's house)
PAUL
Hello, I am Paul Puree from the airline, I'm here to pick up Captain Kramer.
MRS. KRAMER
Oh, yes come in Paul, Rex will be right out.
DOG
Ruff, Ruff (starts to grab Paul's leg)
MRS. KRAMER
Shep, sit. So, I understand you all have a real emergency down there.
PAUL
Yes, something like that, but as I said, they didn't have time to
(tries to get dog off leg) tell me very much. Ahhhh.
MRS. KRAMER
Shep, no. I'll bet you have exciting things happen all the time down
there.
PAUL
Well, the airline business does have its moments (still trying to get
rid of dog) but after a while you get used to it.
MRS. KRAMER
Shep! Come. He gets so excited when new people are here. Are you a
pilot yourself?
PAUL
NO, (ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh)I am in a training program. . .
KRAMER
Its unbelievable, just unbelievable, you know how many times I've
warned them about food inspection.
MRS. KRAMER
You'd think after all these years someone would listen to you (dog and
Paul wrestling in background)
KRAMER
Airport management, the FAA and the airlines. They're all cheats and
liars. All right, lets get outta here.
ATTENDENT
I'm sorry to bother you, I was just looking for someone with flying
experience.
STRIKER
When they built those roads they had no thought of drainage in mind,
so we had to take a special jeep up to the main road. In fact, we were
lucky to even get a jeep since just the day before the only one we had
broke down, had a bad axle. (The passenger next to him douses himself
in gasoline and lights a match, then pauses while stewardess talks to
Striker)
ATTENDENT
Excuse me sir, there's been a little problem in the cockpit . . .
STRIKER
The cockpit . . . what is it?
ATTENDENT
Its the little room in the front of the plane where the pilots sit,
but that's not important now. You see the first officer is ill and the
Captain need someone to help him with the radio. Do you know anything
about planes?
STRIKER
Well, I flew in the war, but that was years ago, I wouldn't know
anything about it.
ATTENDENT
Won't you go up, please? (Striker agrees, passenger next to him blows
out match, but blows himself up accidentally anyway)
STRIKER
The stewardess said . . . BOTH PILOTS????????
RUMACK
Can fly this plane?
STRIKER
Surely you can't be serious?
RUMACK
I am serious, and don't call me Shirley!
ATTENDENT
Doctor, I've checked everyone. Mr. Striker is the only one.
RUMACK
What flying experience have you had?
STRIKER
I flew single engine fighters in the Air Force, but this plane has
four engines. Its an entirely different kind of flying, altogether.
ALL TOGETHER
Its a entirely different kind of flying.
STRIKER
Besides, I haven't touched any kind of plane in six years.
RUMACK
Mr. Striker, I know nothing about flying, but there's one thing I do
know: You're the only one on this plane who can possibly fly it,
you're the only chance we've got.
MCCROSKY
No, that's right, that's what I said . . . tell them all to
acknowledge and stand-by. Get me every piece of emergency equipment
you can reach. Alert rescue units every mile of the way, from here to
the Rockies.
TOWER GUY
Chief . . .
MCCROSKY
We'll need a pre-landing flight check, tell 'em I want it in the
dispatch office and tell 'em I want it here fast.
TOWER GUY
Its your wife.
MCCROSKY
(To wife)I want the kids in bed by nine, the dog fed, the yard watered
and the gate locked. And get a note to the milkman NO MORE CHEESE!
CLICK! Where the hell's Kramer?
KRAMER
No, we can't do that, the risk of a flame out is too great, leave 'em
at 24,000 . . . no, feet. One of the passengers is gonna land that
plane.
PAUL
Is that possible?
KRAMER
Possible, its a 100-1 shot. (Car hits a cyclist)
KRAMER
I know this guy.
PAUL
You do?
CYCLIST
Asssss-hole!
PAUL
Who is it?
KRAMER
Name is Ted Striker, I flew with him during the war, it won't make my
job any easier tonight. Ted Striker was a crack flight leader, up to a
point. He was one of those men who, lets say, felt to much inside,
maybe you know the kind. Went all to pieces on one particular mission,
lets just hope that doesn't happen tonight.
STRIKER
Lets see. Altitude, 24,000 feet... level flight, speed 520
knots. Course, 0-9er-0, trim, mixture, wash, rinse, spin . . .
ELAINE
Ted, what are you doing here? You can't fly this plane!
STRIKER
That's what I've been trying to tell these people.
RUMACK
Elaine, I don't have time to say this gently so I'll be very direct
everyone on this plane is in a desperate situation, Mr. Striker is the
only hope we've got.
STRIKER
Those are the flaps, this is the thrust, this must turn on the landing
lights (Plane starts to nose dive when that knob is turned) Mayday,
mayday, mayday.
MCCROSKY
MAYDAY? What the hell does that mean?
JOHNNY
Mayday? Why that's the Russian New Year. You know, we'll have a big
parade, we'll serve hot hor'doevres . .
OLD LADY
I can't stand it anymore, I've got to get outta here. I've gotta get
outta here.
ELAINE
Calm down get ahold of yourself.
GENTLEMAN
Stewardess, please, let me handle this (grabs her and starts to shake her)
GENTLEMAN 2
Calm down, now get back to your seat, I'll take care of this. CALM
DOWN, GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF [SLAP]!
NUN
Mister, your wanted on the phone . . . Everything's going to be all
right [ SLAP ]! Please.
GENTLEMAN 3
Sister, I'll handle this. [ SLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAPPP ]
(There is now a line of people with baseball bats and whips
waiting to help the woman)
ZEALOT 5
Excuse me, we'd like you to have this flower (Kramer punches the man)
ZEALOT 6
Excuse me sir, would you . . . (Kramer pushes him out of the way)
ZEALOT 7
Donations for the Reverend Moon? (Kramer punches him)
ZEALOT 8
Jews for Jesus? (Crack !)Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
ZEALOT 9
Read about Jehovah's witness? (Kramer kicks him)
ZEALOT 10
How about Buddhism? (Whack!)
ZEALOT 11
Help Jerry's kids? (punch!)
ZEALOT 12
Scientology?
ZEALOT 13
Avoid nuclear power? (Bap ! Bop !)
ANNOUNCER
Your attention please! No Frills passengers no arriving please have
your baggage claim checks ready to show the attendant upon leaving the
terminal. (Passengers are coming down the conveyer belt for luggage)
KRAMER
I know but this guy has no flying experience at'all. He's a menace to
himself and everything else in the air. . . yes, birds too.
MCCROSKY
Okay, okay, he's a terrible risk, but what other choice have we got?
That's the whole story there Rex, everything we know.
KRAMER
All right Steve, lets face a few facts. As you know I flew with this
man during the war. He's going to have enough on his mind without
worrying about those times when . . . when things weren't so good.
MCCROSKY
Right now, things aren't so good.
KRAMER
Let me tell you something Steve, Ted Striker was a top notch squadron
leader a long time ago.
MCCROSKY
I want you to get on the horn and talk that guy down Now, you're going
to have to let him get the feel of that airplane, and you'll have to
talk him on to the approach. So help me, you'll have to talk him right
down to the ground. (Crash)
KRAMER
Very well, put Striker on the speaker.
MCCROSKY
Use my radio there. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit
drinking. (gulp)
TOWER GUY
Now, you can work 'im direct from here, Captain.
KRAMER
Thanks. Striker . . . Striker, this is Captain Rex Kramer speaking.
STRIKER
YES, -CAPTAIN- Kramer, I read you loud and clear.
KRAMER
All right, its obvious you remember me. What do you say you and I just
forget about everything except what we have to do now.
STRIKER
Lets not kid each other _Kramer_ you know I've never flown a bucket
like this. I'm gonna need all the luck there is.
KRAMER
Standby Striker. Our one hope is to build this man up, I've got to
give him all the confidence I can. Striker- have you ever flown a
multi-engine plane before?
STRIKER
No, never.
KRAMER
(TO McCrosky thinking that the radio to Striker is off)
SHIT! This is a God damned waste of time, there's no way he can land
that plane.
MCCROSKY
(Radio is still on) Grab ahold of yourself, you gotta talk him down,
you gotta.
KRAMER
We ought to route him in Lake Michigan, at least we'll avoid killing
innocent people.
MCCROSKY
You're the only chance they've got.
KRAMER
All right, Striker, you listen and listen close flying a plane is no
different from riding a bicycle, just a lot harder to put baseball
cards in the spokes. Now, first I want you to get the feel of the
plane. Later, we'll run down the landing procedure. Now, I want you to
disengage the automatic pilot . . . watch that you don't make any
violent control movements like you did in the fighter planes.
STRIKER
All right, I'm going to unlock the automatic pilot.
KRAMER
Now just remember the controls will feel very heavy compared to a
fighter. Don't worry about that its perfectly normal. (Plane starts to
nosedive and passengers begin to panic) Now one more thing, is there
somebody there who can work the radio and leave you free for flying?
STRIKER
Yes, the stewardess is here with me.
KRAMER
Good, have her sit in the co-pilot's seat.
STRIKER
Elaine, he wants you to sit in the co-pilot's seat.
PASSENGER
What's going on? We have a right to know the truth!
RUMACK
All right, I'm going to level with you all. The most important thing
now is that you remain calm. There's no reason to panic (his nose
starts to grow). Now, it is true that one of the crew members is ill,
slightly ill, but the other two pilots are just fine, they're at the
controls, flying the plane, free to pursue a life of religious
fulfillment.
STRIKER
The radio's all yours now. And keep an eye on that number 3 engine
gauge over there, its running a little hot (sign flashes "a little
hot")
KRAMER
Striker, before we start, I'd like to say something. I know that right
now things must look pretty rough up there, but if you do what I tell
you, when I tell you to do it, there's no reason why you shouldn't
have complete confidence in your chances to come out of this thing
alive and in one piece. Striker, what kind of weather are you in up
there?
ELAINE
Rain!
STRIKER
And a little ice.
ELAINE
And a little ice.
KRAMER
How's it handling?
STRIKER
Sluggish, like a wet sponge.
ELAINE
Sluggish, like a wet sponge.
KRAMER
All right, Striker, your doing just fine.
STRIKER
Its a damn good thing he doesn't know how much I hate his guts.
ELAINE
Its a damn good thing you don't know how much he hates your guts.
JIVE MAN 2
Mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
ATTENDENT
Can I get you something?
JIVE MAN 2
S'mo fo butter layin' to the bone. Jackin' me up. Tightly.
ATTENDENT
I'm sorry I don't understand.
JIVE MAN 1
Cutty say he cant hang.
WOMAN 4
Oh stewardess, I speak jive.
ATTENDENT
Ohhhh, good.
WOMAN 4
He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know if you can help
him.
ATTENDENT
Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as soon as I can
with some medicine.
WOMAN 4
Jus' hang loose blooood. She goonna catch up on the` rebound a de
medcide.
JIVE MAN 2
What it is big mamma, my mamma didn't raise no dummy, I dug her rap.
WOMAN 4
Cut me som' slac' jak! Chump don wan no help, chump don git no
help. Jive ass dude don got no brains anyhow.
MCCROSKY
Get me Captain Oever's wife on the phone, we'd better let her know
what's going on.
TOWER GUY
Chief, this weather bulletin just came off the wire.
MCCROSKY
Johnny, what can you make outta this?
JOHNNY
This? Why I could make a hat, or a brooch, a pterodactyl. . .
(Phone rings at Captain Oever's wife's house, she answers.)
MRS. OEVER
Hello?
TOWER GUY
Mrs. Oever?
MRS. OEVER
Yes, this is Mrs. Oever.
TOWER GUY
This is Ed Masias calling from the airport. There's some trouble on
your husband's flight. We don't know how serious it is yet, but Steve
McCrosky say you may want to get down here right away.
MRS. OEVER
Yes, I'll be right down. . . (hangs up the phone) I've gotta go to the
airport, you can let yourself out the back door. There's juice in the
refridgerator. (We see she is sleeping with a horse)
HORSE
Nayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.... plllllllllllllllllllll. Winey.
ELAINE
Dr. Rumack says the sick people are getting worse and we`re running
out of time.
STRIKER
(In echoey voice to himself)I've got to concentrate concentrate,
concentrate. I've got to concentrate, concentrate, concentrate. Hello,
hello, hello. Echo, echo, echo. Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbau Manny
Motta, motta, motta.
MAN
How're you doing honey?
WOMAN 5
I'm so hot, I'm burning up.
MAN
I'll turn on some air. (The whole cabin starts to blow with wind. "
Close the window ")
STRIKER
Chicago, the passengers are beginning to panic, when do we start down?
KRAMER
Not just yet, but you're in our range any second now. I don't
understand it should have been in range 10 minutes ago. Genderson,
check the radar range, anything yet?
GENDERSON
(Looks in an oven)Its about 2 more minutes chief.
MCCROSKY
2 more minutes? They could be miles off course.
KRAMER
That's impossible there on instruments (a brass ensemble begins to play)
MCCROSKY
This is going to be a real sweat. Genderson, let me know when you get
anything. Got a cigarette Nelson? I can't take much more of
this. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines. Johnny,
how about some more coffee?
JOHNNY
NO THANKS!
TOWER GUY
Chief, these reporters won't leave without a statement.
REPORTER
How much longer can those passengers hold out?
MCCROSKY
A, half an hour or less.
REPORTER
Who's flying the plane?
MCCROSKY
One of the passengers. But, he's an experienced Air Force pilot who
flew during the war, so there's no cause for alarm. . . Here, take
over.
REPORTER
What kind of plane is it?
JOHNNY
Oh its a big pretty white plane with red stripes, curtains in the
window and wheels. It looks like a big Tylenol.
REPORTER
Okay boys, lets get some pictures. (Take photos off of wall . . .)
(Various reports from around the world are shown)
TVGUY
This bulletin just handed to me . . . stricken airliner approaches Chicago.
COUNTERPOINT
They bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into. I
say let em crash.
MAN 2
Would you like a little whiskey ma'am?
WOMAN 6
(In a berating voice)CERTAINLY NOT! (She then does cocaine)
STRIKER
How are the passengers doing?
RUMACK
I won't deceive you Mr. Striker . . . we're running out of time.
STRIKER
Surely there must be something you can do.
RUMACK
I'm doing everything I can and stop calling me Shirley.
NUN
R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me . . . Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me . . . A little respect (passenger vomits as
she sings)Just a little bit . . .
ATTENDENT
Booo-hooo (she crys)
RUMACK
Randy, are you all right?
ATTENDENT
Oh, Dr. Rumack, I'm scared. I've never been so scared. And besides,
I'm 26 and I'm not married.
RUMACK
We're going to make it, you've got to believe that.
WOMAN 3
Dr. Rumack, do you have any idea when we'll be landing?
RUMACK
Pretty soon, how are you bearing up?
WOMAN 3
Well, to be honest, I've never been so scared. But, at least I have a
husband. (Randy sobs harder)
VOICE
Stay in formation, target's just ahead. Target should be clear if you
go in low enough. You'll have to decide... You'll have to decide...
STRIKER
Oh rats! we lost number 4.
ELAINE
What happened Ted, what went wrong?
STRIKER
The oil pressure, I forgot to check the oil pressure. When Kramer
hears about this, the shit's gonna hit the fan (We see shit hitting a
fan)
KRAMER
Watch that oil temperature, what the hell's he doing up there?
Striker, that plane can't land itself, it takes a pilot that can
handle pressure.
MCCROSKY
Ease off Rex, he hasn't flown for years, its not his fault. It could
happen to any pilot.
JOHNNY
It happened to Barbara Stanwick.
MCCROSKY
Don't push him too hard, give him a break. You gotta remember who
you're dealing with.
JOHNNY
Nick, Leaf, Jerrod, there's a fire in the barn.
STRIKER
He's right, I can't take the pressure. I was crazy to think I could
land this plane.
ELAINE
Ted, you're the only hope.
STRIKER
I don't care. (Plane starts to nosedive again) I don't have what it
takes. They'd be better off with someone who'd never flown before.
MCCROSKY
Bad news, the fog is getting thicker.
JOHNNY
And Leon's getting laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrger.
STRIKER
I know what you're going to say, so save your breath.
RUMACK
Well, I don't have anything to say, you've done the best you
could. You really have, the best you could. You can't expect to win em
all. But, I want to tell you something I've kept to myself through
these years. I was in the war myself, medical corps. I was on late
duty one night when they brought in a badly wounded pilot from one of
the raids. He could barely talk. He looked at me and said " The odds
were against us up there, but we went in anyway, I'm glad Captain made
the right decision. The pilot's name was George Zip.
STRIKER
George Zip said that?
RUMACK
The last thing he said to me, doc, he said, "Sometime when the crew is
up against it, the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to get out
there and give it all they got and win just one for the Zipper. I
don't know where I'll be then doc, he said, but I won't smell too
good, that's for sure.
STRIKER
Excuse me doc, I got a plane to land.
KRAMER
All right Striker, you'd better stay up there for a bit, as soon as
the fog lifts, we'll bring you in.
STRIKER
I'll take it Elaine. Listen to me Kramer, Dr. Rumack says the sick
people are in critical condition. And every minute counts. We've got
to land now.
KRAMER
Don't be a fool Striker, you know what a landing like this means, you
more than anybody. I'm ordering you to stay up there.
STRIKER
NO DICE CHICAGO. I'm giving the orders and we're coming in. I guess
the foot's on the other hand now, isn't it Kramer?
KRAMER
He'll never make it in this soup, not one chance in a million.
MCCROSKY
I know, I know, but its his ship now, his command, he's in charge,
he's the boss, head man, top dog, big cheese,
TOWER GUY
Captain, look at this!
MCCROSKY
Passengers certain to die!
KRAMER
Airline negligent.
JOHNNY
There's a sale at Penny's!
MCCROSKY
All right, I'll need 3 men up in the tower. You Newbower, you
Maceias. . .
JOHNNY
Me John! Big tree.
KRAMER
Standby, Striker. We're going to the tower, good luck.
JOHNNY
The tower, the tower . . . Repunzle, Repunzle . . .
WOMAN 4
Stewardess, how soon so we land?
ATTENDENT
It won't be long now, try not to worry.
TOWER GUY
We're all ready sir, this is Captain McCrosky, Captain Roberts,
Captain Kramer, Captain Kolosomo, Captain Henshaw this is Captain
Gatz, Captain Kramer, Captain Gatz, Captain Henshaw, Captain Roberts.
MCCROSKY
All right Kolosomo, you work the relay, Roberts, check all air traffic
within five miles, get that finger out of your ear, you don't know
where that finger's been (guy smells his finger) Got a cigarette Nels?
Your husband and the others are alive, but unconscious.
JOHNNY
Just like Gerald Ford.
MCCROSKY
Now, there's a chance we can save them, if Striker can get that plane
down in time.
MRS. OEVER
That isn't much of a chance, is it?
MCCROSKY
I don't know, I don't know, but we're doing everything we can, now
excuse me huh?
JOHNNY
Where did you get that dress? Its awful . . . and those shoes, and
that coat, geeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzz.
(Tower Guys Playing Atari basketball on radar screen)
TOWER GUY
8 miles. Looks like their heading 0-4-4.
ELAINE
We are now at 2000 feet beginning our decent.
KRAMER
Steve, I want every light you can get poured onto that field. (A dump
truck dumps table lamps onto the runway)
TOWER GUY
Tower to all emergency vehicles, runway is 9er. Airport vehicles take
stations 1 and 2. Civilian equipment number 3. Air Force positions
number 4 and 5. All ambulances go to number 3. Air Israel, please
clear the runway (Plane is shown wearing a beard, hat, tallis, and
yarmulke.)
ATTENDENT
In a moment, we'll ask you to assume crash positions your life jackets
are located under your seat. Place the jacket over your head. And when
I give the word, pull the cord on the right side flap. Your seat
cushions are also equipped with a flotation device.
RADIO
"WZAZ in Chicago, where disco lives forever" (plane
knocks down station's transmitter)
KRAMER
Watch your altitude Striker, you're too erratic. You can't come
straight in. You've got enough fuel left for two hours of flying.
STRIKER
I'll take it Elaine. Listen to me Kramer! We have people up here who
will die in less than an hour let alone two. I may bend your precious
airplane, but I'll get it down. I'm putting the landing gear down now.
ATTENDENT
Mr. Striker, the passengers are ready.
STRIKER
Thank you Randy. You'd better leave sweetheart. You might get hurt up
here.
ELAINE
Ted,
STRIKER
Yes?
ELAINE
I wanted you to know, now . . . I'm very proud.
STRIKER
Tell 'em the gear is down and we're ready to land.
ELAINE
The gear is down and we're ready to land.
KRAMER
All right, he's on final now, put out all runway lights except 9er.
TOWER GUY
Captain, maybe we ought to turn on the search lights now.
MCCROSKY
No, that's just what they'll be expecting us to do.
RUMACK
I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all counting on you.
KRAMER
All right, now just listen carefully . . . you should be able to see
the runway at 300 feet. Aim the touchdown a third of the way
along. There's a slight crosswind from the right so be ready for
it. Land too fast, use your emergency breaks. The red handle's right
in front of you. If that doesn't stop you . . . (long pause). . . if
that doesn't stop you cut the four ignition switches over the
co-pilot's head. Do you see us now? You should be able to see the
field now. (Dog barks)
MCCROSKY
It sure is quiet out there. . .
KRAMER
Yeah, too quiet.
MCCROSKY
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue. (inhales
some glue and falls over)
STRIKER
There it is.
KRAMER
There he is. Striker, you're coming in too fast . . .
STRIKER
I know, I know.
ELAINE
He knows, he knows.
AIRDUDE
Getting below 700 now, still going down. 675, 650, 625, he's
holding. . .no, no he's down, he's down.
KRAMER
Sound your alarm bell, now.
ATTENDENT
All right now everybody, get in crash positions (The passengers
arrange themselves as if they just crashed.)
KRAMER
Put down 30 degrees of flap. Striker now listen to me: Remember your
brakes and switches, get ready to fly it out . . .
AIRDUDE
He's all over the place, 900 feet, up to 1300 feet . . . what an
asshole.
KRAMER
More mast rudder, put down more flap . . .
JOHNNY
(Unplugs runway lights) Just kidding.
KRAMER
Striker, lift your nose, straighten your wings. You're coming in too
fast, watch your speed.
MCCROSKY
He's coming right at us . . . (jumps through a window)
KRAMER
You're coming in too hot. Ease up on the throttle. Watch for that
crosswind. Aim for the numbers, you'll have to dip your left
wing. You're drifting, keep your eyes on the far end of the
runway. You're too low damnit! Watch your stall speed. Ease her down,
down. The brake . . . pull the red handle.
RUMACK
I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all counting on you.
VOICE 2
Flight 2-0-9 now arriving gate 8- gate 9, gate 10
KRAMER
Push a button.
VOICE 2
Gate 13, gate 14, gate 15 . . .
JOHNNY
Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, toto . . . its a twister, its a twister
VOICE 2
Gate 23, 24, 25 . . .
(Plane lands safely)
RUMACK
I just want to tell you both-- good luck, we're all counting on you.
KRAMER
Striker, Striker, you all right?
STRIKER
Yeah, we're okay.
KRAMER
Ted that was probably the worst landing in the history of this
airport, but some of us here, particularly me would like to buy you a
drink and shake your hand . . and Ted I just want you to know that
when the going got rough . . .
ATTENDENT
Okay all right, have a nice day . . .have a nice day, thank you for
flying TransAmerican
KRAMER
Loneliness, that's the bottom line. I was never happy as a child
. . . Christmas Ted, what does that mean to you? It was living
hell. Do you know what its like falling in the mud and getting kicked,
in the head. With an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does, that
never happens. Sorry Ted, that's a dumb question.
ATTENDENT
Have a nice day.
KRAMER
Municipal bonds Ted, I'm talking double A rating. . . the best
investment in America.
(Ted and Elaine go off into the sunset and Otto and his inflatable
friend Ottoette fly the plane off)
THE END!!!!!
AIRPLANE!
Starring:
Kareem Abdul-Jabar as Murdock
Peter Graves as Captain Oever
Lloyd Bridges as McCroskey
Julie Hagerty as Elaine
Robert Hayes as Ted Striker
Leslie Neilson as Dr. Rumack
Lorna Patterson as Randy
Robert Stack as Kramer
Stephen Stucker as Johnny
Otto (Autopilot) as Himself
Written/Directed/Produced By: Jim Abrahams, David & Jerry Zucker
Spell Checked and reformatted by Nathan Mates (nathan@cco.caltech.edu)
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