Clinton Jokes
Note:
This list is being maintained by Nathan Mates, nathan@visi.com. Please
send any submissions at any time. You can freely distribute this file
as long as this message remains intact. The entire collection of
Clinton Jokes can be found on the WWW at
http://www.visi.com/~nathan/humor/political/
--- SECTION: Q&A Jokes
Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and Bill Clinton's campaign limo?
A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have
in common?
A: They both look like the work of a butcher...
Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the
Clampents?
A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.
Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?
A: He won't pay her $300.
Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
A: His face
Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?
A: Gennifer
Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
A: Put Janet Reno in charge.
Q: What did the band play at Clinton's inauguration?
A: Inhale to the chief
Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp
A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton apprehensive about going to the movies?
A: Because he's afraid the usherette will ask to see his stub.
Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.
Q: How does Bill Clinton say "Fuck you"?
A: "Trust me."
Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
A: One has two boobs, the others *are* two boobs.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?
A: He's the stiff one.
Q: What does Gennifer Flowers do when she misses Bill Clinton?
A: Eats Waffles
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and
one to obscure the issues.
A: None -- He'll only promise "change."
A: HE DOESN'T! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets
congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames
Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving
this year?
A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
A: Because they can't afford any more pork
A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans
A: They've been having turkey FOR YEARS
A: Because Bill is having Gennifer
A: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.
Q: What was Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?
A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to sc#$w the people!
Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did?
A: A dead girlfriend.
Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: NO FEE - If No Recovery!!!
Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
A: They were dating the same girl in high school.
Q: How does Hillary know that Chelsea's got her period?
A: She tastes blood on Bill's prick.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter would be too dumb not to know the
answer to this one.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.
Q: What are Bill's two favorite campaign promises?
A: ``The check is in your mouth'' and ``I won't come in the mail.''
Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.
Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?
A: Runs away from the draft.
Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?
A: He's got his jogging suit on.
Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?
A: The Dodgers.
Q: Why does Hillary always try to get on top?
A: Because Bill can only f--- up.
Q: What was the *real* reason for Clinton to dodge draft?
A: He could not make it as a Naval Aviator
Q: What would Clinton do if he did not get into politics?
A: Become a botanist and play with Flowers
Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now?
A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.
Q: Why do they put Bill Clinton's picture on the insides of toilet bowls?
A: So the assholes can see who they voted for.
Q: What's a Clinton sandwich?
A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.
Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
A: For spare parts.
Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?
A: Now it's got two left wings.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?
A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?
A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.
Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument,
who'd land first?
A: Who cares?
Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
A: Trying to save both faces.
Q: If Bill and Hillary and Al and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat
capsized, who would be saved?
A: The United States of America!
Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to
improving jails?
A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.
Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
A: Heredity.
Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?
A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service
would be out-gunned!
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his father?
A: Bill Clinton's father only screwed *half* the country.
Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?
A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.
Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?
A: He turned into Hillary!
Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to
commemorate President Clinton's election?
A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!
Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!
Q: My brother explained why Bill Clinton is having so many
woes:
A: Bill Clinton has been in the Flowers and weeds!!
Q: What do the Titanic and the Clinton Administration have
in common?
A: .........going down fast
Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two -- one to screw the bulb into the faucet while the other tells us
that everything possible is being done to help the situation.
Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
A: None. The democrats do that.
Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the _LAW_ABIDING_
public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and
unconstitutional laws?
A: None. The Sociali^H^H^H^H^H^HDemocrats do that.
Q: Did you hear about Clinton farting during his press conference today?
A: It got picked up by the microphones and went out over TV :)
Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 0, They like to keep him in the dark!
Q: Why was Hillary SO interested in Whitewater?
A: She had heard whitewater could be found going over a dike (dyke).
Q: What do you get when you cross a lesbian and a gay?
A: ChelseA:
Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?
A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both
intellectuals.
Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?
A: A noose
Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
A: Handcuffs
Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?
A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia
Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
A: A police lineup
Q: What do you get when you cross a lesbian with a draft dodger?
A: Chelsea!
Q: What's a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.
Q: What is a conservative?
A: A liberal who's been mugged.
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked
politician?
A: ChelseA:
Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?
A: They get elected.
Q: Dan Quayle, Ted Kennedy, and Bob Packwood were in a spelling bee.
Who won?
A: Dan Quayle, because he was the only one who knew that "harass" was
one word....
Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton
famous for?
A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?
Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?
A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To tax the chicken.
Q: What do you get when you cross Chelsea Clinton with a tit.
A: The ugliest hooters on earth.
Q: What has two wings and a crooked willie?
A: Air Force One.
Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against
his critics?
A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.
Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before
Clinton commits perjury?
A: When he's sworn in.
Q: Did you hear that Bill Clinton is going to have a sex change?
A: Because he wants to know how the wemen feel when being screwed.
Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex?
A: I'll be home in 15 minutes.
A: Come pick me up before she calls the cops!
Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides
to go play a round of golf?
A: Depends on how many were photographed.
Q: What does Hillary do after she shaves her pu**y every morning?
A: Sends him to work!
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To tax the chicken.
A: Because Hillary pulled him by his balls.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To meet the chick.
Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?
A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass...
Q: What's yellow, hen-pecked and lays chicks?
A: Bill Clinton
Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?
A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.
Q: What is the best way to kill Clinton????
A: Give him somthing that reads:
DO NOT INHALE.
Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess ?
A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess.
The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to
two.
Q: Who becomes president of the U.S.A: when the President Dies
A: Bill Clinton of course!
Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets
congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames
republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
Q: What was the first thing Clinton said when Francisco
Martin Duran started shooting at the White House?
A: Oh #*@$! You're husband's outside and he's PISSED!
Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?
A: A mandate to govern.
Q: Why did Clinton want to go into Haiti anyway?
A: He overheard his advisors talking about a hot spot
that one risked HIV infection from entering & he
thought they were talking about Gennifer Flowers.
Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the
White house with a plane was insane?
A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in
his -own- bedroom at night.
Q: What does the LAPD case against OJ Simpson &
the way Hillary knows when Chelsea is menstruating
have in common?
A: They both involve blood spots found on Socks.
Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.
Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
A: "You putz I TOLD YOU to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!
Q: What did Clinton say to Paula Jones when she broke her story?
A: "I said `Do my erection', -not- `ruin my re-election.' !!"
Q: What's the difference between Hillary & Liberace?
A: Hillary's aides haven't killed her yet.
Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton
made want to convert Russia to the type of government they
have in America?
A: "Hell no, I ain't let my wife run the country!!"
Q: What's the difference between the Panama canal & Hillary?
A: Well one's a busy ship-filled ditch & the others a dizzy
shit-filled bitch.
Q: Why did all the faggots vote for Clinton?
A: Because faggots like assholes better than Bush.
Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses?
A: He's afraid of the draft.
Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?
A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Koresh only burned 85 people.
A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?
A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.
Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One - she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Q: What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wished he had?
A: A dead girlfriend.
Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?
A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.
Q: What do Bill Clinton and Jim Bakker have in common?
A: Both of their mistresses made Playboy.
Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
Q: What's the difference between Clinton and a whale?
A: Whales mate for life
Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?
A: When Hillary leaves town.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.
Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?
A: Highway 55
Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?
A: He IS stupid!
Q: In Arkansas, what is the new use they found for sheep?
A: Wool
Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite color?
A: Plaid
Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?
A: He keeps having to eat his words.
Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
A: His heart stops bleeding.
Q: What will Clinton do for the Navy?
A: Give Rear Admiral a new meaning.
Q: How does Al Gore spell potato?
A: T-A-T-E-R
Q: What has 14 arches and 100 munchkins?
A: Bill Clinton's jogging route
Q: Bill, Hillary, and Al are in a boat. The boat sinks. Who is saved?
A: The United States of America
Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?
A: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.
Q: Why is Bill not sending Chelsea to public school?
A: He doesn't want her secret service protection to be out-gunned.
Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?
A: The first one held the real president while the second one
contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.
Q: What are the two featured songs at the Clinton inauguration?
A: Back in the USSR followed by Inhale to the Chief.
Q: What did the populist Clinton say to promote his inauguration?
A: "My balls are for everyone."
Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?
A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.
Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?
A: He's the stiff one.
Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?
A: Grade 6
Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets
defense, what does Gore get?
A: Coffee.
Q: Where did Bill Clinton get his favorite hand gesture? (Index finger
wrapped around the thumb when emphasizing a point.)
A: From pulling down shades in motel rooms.
Anita Hill Quote--
Q: Did you hear about the new Anita Hill doll?
A: Pinch its butt and ten years later it squeals!
Q: Why do the Kennedy's cry during sex?
A: Mace
Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint
takes effect?
A: Everything's $100
Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?
A: To study economics.
Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?
A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.
Q: When will the homosexual political lobby go too far with Bill?
A: When they insist on renaming his office the oval orifice.
Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?
A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.
Q: Why does Bill want gays in the infantry?
A: That's where all the first class privates are.
Q: What will be the Marine's new slogan?
A: We're looking for a few good-looking men.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.
Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.
Q: What are Clinton's plans for the military?
A: Transfer Seamen to all branches of the armed forces.
Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the
war.
Q: What is a F.A:G.?
A: Former Arkansas Governor
Q: If you had Clinton, Gore, and Dolly Parton on stage together, what would
you have?
A: Two boobs and a great country singer!
Q: How can bake sales be used to lower the deficit?
A: Raise enough money to send Clinton a Flo-Bee!
Q: How come there are Jiffypop pans nailed to all the bedroom doors of the
White House?
A: To save money on smoke detectors!
Q: How will the White House Thanksgiving turkey be different this year?
A: It will have two left wings.
Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?
A: They all make a living by lying to people.
Q: Why are females of the White House staff furious at Hillary?
A: She keeps leaving the toilet seat up.
Q: What do Hot Lips (of M*A*S*H fame) and David Koresh have in common?
A: Major Burns.
Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide?
A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.
Q: What do David Koresh and Congressman Conyers have in common?
A: They're both black and were burned by Janet Reno.
Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?
A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".
Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
A: A competent liberal President.
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and a homosexual?
A: One beer.
Q: Where have all the Clinton supporters gone?
A: Back on the shelf; next to the catcher's mitts where they belong.
Q: What is yellow, hen-pecked, and lays chicks?
A: C _ I _ _ _ N
Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?
A: "Good morning, Bill."
Q: Why won't there be a White House Christmas pageant this year?
A: They can't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5
years?
A: Unite the Republican Party.
Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?
A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only know how to screw the taxpayer.
Q: How does Ted Kennedy mark his place when reading a book?
A: He bends over a page.
Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?
A: When he married outside of his family.
Q: What do you call a traffic jam over LAX?
A: Hairlock.
Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?
A: Absolutely nothing
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?
A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.
Q: What do Roger Clinton and Mrs. Robert B. Reich have in common?
A: They both blow a little dope once in a while.
Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?
A: Because he filed as head of the household.
Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?
A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.
Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.
Q: What is the difference between the real Army and Clinton's Army?
A: Soldiers used to get blown out of fox holes.
Q: Why did Clinton avoid the draft?
A: Back then, there was a ban on gays in the military.
Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?
A: Because they could spell it.
Q: How is Bill Clinton a lot like railroad track?
A: He's been laid all over the country.
Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called?
A: The whine cellar
Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White
House?
A: There is White-out on the screen.
Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?
A: There is writing on the White-out.
Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?
A: He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.
Q: Why did Clinton cut his vacation short in the interests of dikes,
levees, and rain showers?
A: He thought he was going to the Midwest for lesbians, taxes, and
soaking people.
Q: What caused all the flooding in the Midwest this year?
A: Hillary took all the dikes with her to Washington.
Q: How is Bill like a character actor?
A: When he shows character, he's acting.
Q: What is Hillary's favorite holiday?
A: Summer Solstice.
Q: Why did Clinton want a lot of women in his cabinet?
A: To hide the men in his closet.
Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?
A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.
Q: What is Clinton's favorite war song?
A: "Over Here"
Q: What is the favorite nursery rhyme of Clinton's bimbos?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: What do radical environmentalists like Al Gore have in common with a
watermelon?
A: They're green on the outside and red on the inside.
Q: Why does Joycelyn Elders hate aspirin?
A: It's white, it works, and you have to pick cotton to get to it.
Q: What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared
everyone to death?
A: He came dressed as a two-term president.
Q: Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected?
A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad
neighborhood.
Q: What do you get when you send Joey Buttafuoco to Harvard?
A: Ted Kennedy
Q: Why are driver's education classes held only three days a week in
Arkansas?
A: The cars are needed the other two days for sex education.
Q: What is the difference between Donna Shalala and an old gray motorcycle?
A: One is a dull bike.
Q: What is the difference between liberalism and socialism?
A: Socialism is dead.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney
stone?
A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.
Q: What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?
A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.
Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?
A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power.
Q: What do Bill Clinton and Kurt Cobain have in common?
A: Half a brain and Gore on their backs.
Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water?
A: A water gate.
Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Hwy 69 the "Bill Clinton Highway?"
A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.
Q: What do Bill Clinton and the Mississippi River have in common?
A: Both are all wet, wander all over the place, and are controlled by dikes.
Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?
A: They both dominate Bills
Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and
the Clintons?
A: The Conners own their own home.
Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?
A: No one died in Watergate.
Q: What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?
A: Oldielocks
Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader
Q: How does Bill Clinton fire up superlawyer Bob Bennett?
A: He tells him to go out there and win one for the zipper.
Q: Why doesn't Hillary smile more often?
A: Bill isn't doing to her what he's doing to the country.
Q: What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy?
A: We have not ruled out military force.
Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund?
A: A free stamp.
Q: What does David Koresh have in common with Bill Clinton?
A: They smoked but didn't inhale.
Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?
A: He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
Q: Is Bill Clinton heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual?
A: None of the above. He suffers from egosexuality since he is constantly
screwing himself.
Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill
Clinton?
A: Gonorrhea--it can be cured.
Q: Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days?
A: The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.
Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?
A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not
finishing what they had started.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?
A: To attend D-Day celebrations.
Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?
A: A man without a clue.
Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning
to go to war?
A: He visited Oxford.
Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?
A: No class and no principals.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?
A: A pickpocket snatches watches.
Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?
A: They both have Bills that are losers.
Q: What do Marsha Clark and Hillary Clinton have in common?
A: They both want a Bill's tailback.
Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and the Tundra?
A: The Tundra gets drilled once in a while.
Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?
A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing
form...democracy.
Q: How are Boris Becker and Bill Clinton alike?
A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.
Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military?
A: John Elway
Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?
A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.
Q: What do Bill Clinton and Heidi Fleiss have in common?
A: They both got their careers by promising to screw the rich and famous.
Q: What's the difference between Hillary & Liberace?
A: Hillary's aides haven't killed her yet.
Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?
A: They both became president without being elected.
Q: What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?
A: BIll Clinton burned 260 million people.
Q: What's another name for Bill Clinton's whores?
A: The White House Press Corps.
Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?
A: An optimist...
Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as
half empty?
A: Teddy Kennedy
Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?
A: Now John has brains on the outside of his pants too.
A: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!
Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend 3 hours in the voting booth?
A: He thought he was in a confessional.
Q: What do Gennifer Flowers and George Bush have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.
Q: What's the difference between Federico Pena's Denver International
Airport and the White House?
A: Planes can land at the White House.
Q: Why did Clinton fire Joycelyn Elders?
A: To beat off the GOP.
A: She wanted to do everything single-handedly.
A: He didn't want America thinking that Slick Willie could be jerked
around.
Q: How could Joycelyn Elders have brought about democracy in China?
A: By teaching children to hold their own elections.
Q: What is Joycelyn Elder's new job?
A: Spokesperson for the Pocket Fisherman.
Q: What was Elders' last official act?
A: A memo to Pee Wee Herman asking her to come up to Washington and give her
a hand.
Q: How is the Clinton cabinet like a bowl of Granola?
A: What ain't fruit and nuts is flakes.
Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?
A: They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.
Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?
A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising
chicken who smoked pot.
Q: What do you get when you cross Barney Frank and Newt Gingrich?
A: A Fag Newton!
Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One - she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Bill Clinton.
Q: What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?
A: Clinton is dead from the neck UP......
Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located?
A: The White House.
Q: Whats shakin'?
A: Chelsea's leg, when I scratch her behind her ear!
Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.
Q: Why is President Clinton ussually in a bad mood?
A: P.M.S.
Q: Why did Bubba and Hillary only have one kid?
A: Vince Foster is dead.
Q: What do they do to fast women in Arkansas?
A: Put a governor on 'em.
Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?
A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got
there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and
did it all on borrowed money.
Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?
A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.
Q: Do you know why they outlawed mini skirts in the White House?
A: So Hillary's balls wouldn't show!
Q: Did you here about Kentucky Fried Chicken's Hillary Combo meal?
A: two small breasts, two large thighs and two left wings.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.
Q: Why is it more dangerous than normal to sit next to Bill Clinton
while he's smoking?
A: The smoke is still firsthand!
Q: Why does Hillary have a big mouth?
A: She likes to bl** whales.
Q: Why does Hillary have a grimace on her face?
A: Bill forgot to take the di*** out.
Q: Why did Bill use the di***?
A: Because Hillary bit it off!
Q: Why did Gennifer Flowers leave Bill and talked?
A: Bill had NOTHING to give her!
Q: What's Clinton's executive order #1?
A: Flowers by his bedside.
Q: Did you hear that Dr. Kevorkian has renamed his death machine
"CLINTONATOR"?
A: Unlike a respirator it doesn't let the patient inhale.
Q: Did you know Bill Clinton has AIDS?
A: What do you expect when you screw everyone in the country?
Q: What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?
A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust
Q: Why is Bill Clinton not circumcised? [per Gennifer Flowers]
A: It would involve throwing away the best part.
Q: Why did a Bill Clinton send an unsigned check for a hundred dollars to a
charity?
A: He wanted to make an anonymous contribution.
Q: Why is Hillary suing Bill for divorce?
A: Because he's doing to everybody what he should only be doing to her.
Q: Who was the biggest corporate contributor to Clinton's campaign?
A: Snap-On Tools, Inc.
Q: What did Hillary say to Bill before the election?
A: "We'd better win this one, or I'm moving in with Marina Navratilova!"
Q: Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new
breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?
A: It's a brainless, spineless, dickless, left-wing asshole,
tar-and-feathers yellow chicken with no balls.
(Footnote: Tyson Foods are some Arkansas chicken farmers who torture
their chicken (ever heard of de-beaking?), pollute the environment
with chickenshit, and have paid millions of dollars to Co-Governors
Bill & Hillary Clinton to look the other way. :)
Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.
Q: How many people work in civil service under Bill?
A: Maybe one in ten.
Q: Why did Bill abolish coffee breaks for civil servants?
A: Because coffee kept them awake all day.
Q: Who/what are/were Ren & Stimpy?
A: There other names for Bill and Al.
Q: Who is the most dangerous woman in the world?
A: Tonya Rodham Bobbitt
Q: Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on
Wednesday?
A: It was Secretaries' Day and he was to cheap to buy his a present!
Q1: What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign
Q2: What did Clinton request from Paula Jones.
Q3: What will Clinton have in '96
Q3': What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?
A1: Snow-Job A2: Blow-Job A3: No Job.
Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?
A: She looks like her dad Janet Reno.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton fire Joyce Elders??
A: Because he failed her masturbation course!
Q: What does Hillary's new hair style have to do with her heading the
Health Care Reform Task Force?
A: She wanted to look more like nurse Ratchett from One Flew over the
Cuckoo's Nest .
Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!
Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
A: Vice-president of the United States.
Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
A: You pull a little ring and it NEVER tells the same story twice!
Back to my Political Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page