Clinton Longr Jokes

                                 Clinton Jokes
Note:
This list is being maintained by Nathan Mates, nathan@visi.com. Please
send any submissions at any time. You can freely distribute this file
as long as this message remains intact. The entire collection of
Clinton Jokes can be found on the WWW at
http://www.visi.com/~nathan/humor/political/ 

--- SECTION: Longer Clinton Jokes

  A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily
constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see
him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he
asked, "Little boy, what ARE you doing?"
   The boy replied, "I am making George Bush, Mister."
   Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making
George Bush?
   Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?" 
   The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton."
   "But why not?" asked the man. 
   The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough bullshit here to
make Bill Clinton."

   Governor Bill Clinton had billed himself as a common man's
president. In order to garner the votes of two states, he decided to
go baby-kissing and flesh-pressing along the border of Louisiana and
Arkansas. There, he encountered a strange fellow working at a gas
station, a common man if there ever was one.
   "Sir, I'm Governor Bill Clinton, and I'm running for president,"
said Gov. Clinton, extending his hand out for a handshake.
   "That's mighty fine! I'm a great admirer of yours, Governor. You've
done great things for the state of Arkansas," replied the man
enthusiastically.
   The odd man, noticing the Governor's outstretched hand, shook his
head sadly and said, "I'm sorry Governor. As much as I'd like to shake
your hand, I can't do it right here. However, I will shake your hand
if you cross the highway with me."
   Willing to do anything for a vote, Clinton agreed and crossed the
highway with the man. Upon reaching the other side, the odd man
vigorously shook the Governor's hand. Curious, Clinton asked of the
man, "Why is it that I may shake your hand only after crossing the
highway with you?"
   The man replied, "Oh, that's simple, Governor. You see, that there
was Louisiana, and this here is Arkansas. Everyone knows that boob
touching is legal only in Arkansas."

   Air Force One crashes, instantly killing President Clinton, Vice
President Gore, and their wives. Being the very important people that
they are, St. Peter greets them personally at the Pearly Gates and
informs them that they have been granted an audience with God. They
are lead by St Peter to a tremendous thrown room. The Supreme Being,
of course, is seated upon the thrown.
   "And who might you be?" God asks of the Vice President.
   "I am Albert Gore Jr, Vice President of the United States of America".
   "Ah, yes. You have done much for the environment. Love your work.
Come sit on my left. And you there, who are you?"
   "Your holiness, I am William Jefferson Clinton, President of the
United States."
   "Right. You are a brave man who has confronted some difficult
issues. Come sit on my right. Now, who might you be?"
   "My name is Hillary Rodham Clinton and YOU are sitting in MY seat."

   Clinton was also asked to explain a remark he made to Russian
President Boris Yeltsin at their April 3-4 summit. He reportedly said,
   "When the Japanese say yes to us, the often mean no."
   During a picture-taking session in the Oval Office, Miyazawa
attempted to defuse the situation by jokingly pointing out that
"every language has its own peculiarity."
   Smiling, Clinton told the news conference, "I don't know what I
meant anymore."
   Gee, anyone think that sounds like something that our revered and
honored prez would say?

UPI - NEWS FLASH!
   After agonizing for several days over the situation in former
Yugoslavia where ethnic Serbs, Bosnians, and Muslims are engaged in a
fierce civil war, President Clinton today announced that he is
strongly in favor of diversity.

   In a NBC Evening News report on the homosexual march on Washington
this weekend, one lady (Dee Mosbacher?) commented on the President's
unwillingness to march with the homosexuals.
   "I think," she said, "if a million saxophone players showed up
outside the White House, he'd go out there and blow a few notes."
   Maybe the group was just expecting too much..

   Clinton's riding a horse, and hears someone shout "Hey, look at the
prick on that horse!" When he gets home, he takes a look & sees he's
been riding a mare.

   Hillary's right-hand man, who got her the nomination in 1992 & was
governor for a long time, was a dope-smoking man named Bill Clinton.
One night, a burglar broke into the White House & surprised Hillary in
bed. Brandishing a gun, he told Hillary to put her head under the
covers & not make a sound. Hillary scrunched down, but that made her
ass stick out the side. The burglar said "That goes for you too,
Bill!"

   Captain Kirk and an away team down to Earth after going through a
time disturbance cloud, landing in Washington D.C. right in the middle
of Clinton's inaugural ball. They look around, and Kirk says;
   "Beam us up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here."

   A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and
was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the
Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get
red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue
after we pay them."
   "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars,
too."

   Hillary came into the room with a big smile and a spring in her
step. "My you're in a good mood," said Bill. "Why are you so happy?"
   "I just got back from my annual physical exam and the doctor said I
had the breasts of a 25 year old woman, " Hillary gushed. 
   "Did he say anything about your 46 year old ass?" Bill asked.
   "No," said Hillary, "your name wasn't mentioned once."

   During the campaign, Dan Quayle said that if his daughter got
pregnant, he'd let her decide whether or not to have an abortion.
Marilyn Quayle said that if her daughter got pregnant, she would
insist that she have the baby. 
   Bill Clinton said, "The woman's a liar. I was in Cleveland at the
time!"

Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of
Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees this
and calls out "Fifty dollars!" He's tempted, but the price is a
little high so he calls back "Five!" She'd disgusted and turns away
and Bill continues his jog.
   A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as
luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she won't come
down on her price. "Fifty!" she shouts and Bill answers her "Five!"
No sale.
   About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into
shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy
part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill
and Hillary together and yells "See what you get for five dollars!"

   In an article on Northern Ireland, the political party Sinn Fein
was described as the political wing of the IRA. I guess that makes the
U.S. Democratic Party the political wing of the IRS.

   President Clinton had heard of all the starving people in Somalia,
and wanted to get a look for himself. He ordered his aides to prepare
Air Force One. On the plane, the president looked down with his
binoculars, and said "My God! Look at them! Skinny, starving -- where
are our troops?" An aide chimed in: "Er, Mr. President... that's not
Somalia. It's Arkansas."

   Hillary is being driven around Washington D.C. and spots a little
boy sitting in a park with a wagon. She thinks, 'this is a great
press opportunity' so she has her driver pull over. She gets out to
talk to the little boy and discovers that he has 6 little puppies in
the wagon. She comments on how nice they are and the little boy says
'thank you ma'm, they're Democrats!'  Of course Hillary is extremely
pleased by this.
   A few days later, Bill decides to take one of his jogs down to
McDonalds, which is close to the park, and Hillary mentions that if he
should see a little boy with a wagon he should stop and talk to him.
Well, Bill sees the little boy with his wagon and puppies so he tells
the little boy 'what nice puppies those are!'  The boy says, 'Thank
you sir. They're Republicans!'  'Wait a minute,' says Bill, 'Hillary
told me that they're Democrats.'  The boy responds, 'Yes sir, but now
their eyes are open!'

   Didja hear that in response to Pres. Bill's habit of dropping in on
local McDonalds the McD's national management has announced a
commemorative double cheeseburger, the McClinton? Of course, when you
get it, the price has doubled, and it's got half the meat.

   It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic
Party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for
inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a
false sense of security while being screwed.

   If Bill Clinton wins the election this November, they're going to
have an air-conditioned sauna installed in the White House -- so he
can have it both ways.

   So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex
life. Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer
Flowers a couple of times... ...but he didn't come.

   They said in the debates that Governor Clinton's home state of
Arkansas has the lowest teen pregnancy rate in the nation... I'd like
to thank the governor for wearing a condom."

   It's interesting that Bill Clinton chose a a running mate who DID
inhale. Perhaps had the country paid more attention to Gennifer
Flowers, Clinton would have picked Gary Hart instead.
 
From a Mike Royko column:
   Gov. Clinton, after that blond bimbo got up on TV and said you had
been her lover boy for years, you and your wife went on TV and your
wife was affectionate, supportive and calm. Would you care to share
with millions of American men how the heck you managed to talk your
way out of that pickle?

   Aides for presidential candidate Bill Clinton hotly denied new
allegations of misconduct. Officials of the company marketing the
popular "Where's Waldo" puzzles noted a striking resemblance while
examining the bare-breasted woman depicted frolicking in the water
with an as-yet-unidentified man. Clinton denies that he has ever met
the woman, and says he was with Waldo the whole time.

   I heard Bill Clinton was Grand Marshal of a stock car race during
the Labor Day weekend. A politician strikes me as an excellent choice
to preside over an event where people drive in circles at high speed.

   Ya know, I kinda hope that Clinton does get elected... It will be
the first time in a long while that I'll have been able to *really*
enjoy political humor...

   Bill Clinton has been advised by doctors to save his voice and not
speak a single word for the next couple days. Guess this means he'll
have to contradict himself in mime...

   President-Elect Clinton promises to make the administration more
representative of the population. Well, I think he should consider
making Millie the Dog Secretary of State. After all, President Bush
recommends her highly "knows more about international relations than
those two bozos combined.." and after all, how many dogs have been
appointed Secretary of anything?
   And finally, the way things are going to be under Clinton, we won't
have any stature as a superpower any more, so we might as well have a
Secretary of State that barks if someone breaks in.

    I thought you'd all like to hear about the potential candidates
meeting with the Wizard of Oz. First, President Bush went to see the
Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I
wish to have a Heart". So the Wiz said,"So be it".
   Second was Dan Quayle. He said to the Wiz, "People think I'm
unintelligent and have no common sense what so ever...I wish to have a
Brain". The Wiz said, "So be it". 
   Third was Ross Perot. "People say I have no confidence and I lack
conviction... ..I wish to have some Courage".
   And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard. The Wizard looked at
him, and said, "Well, what do you want?" To which Clinton replied,
"I'm here for Dorothy!"

   Those who say the Gang of Four in China are dead have been proven
wrong by the presence of Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Tom Foley,
Richard Gephardt, and George Mitchell together in Little Rock last
night. Let's hope there is no conservative student rally in Lafayette
Park or they will send in the only tank of the U.S. Army on them.

   This is a true fact. Shortly before Bill Clinton took the
inaugural oath of office, the band struck up the theme song from Monty
Python.
   If this was actually programmed by Clinton's staff, it may forebode
an interesting four years. Alternate theory: some undergraduates from
Caltech swapped the band's sheet music.

   The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important
military parade of the year. For 1992's parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev
invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them. The parade commenced
with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry,
followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had
mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and
throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons
of the most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical
and strategic bombers.
   Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was
suitably impressed. Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the
parade, there was a disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits
tagging along behind the last artillery pieces. "Who are they?" he
asked.
   "Ah," said Yeltsin, "those are our economists!" 
   "But I thought this parade was military..." said Clinton, confused.
   "Mr. Clinton," said Gorbachev, "have you SEEN the damage those men
can do?"

   I just heard that Bill Clinton visited the White House a couple of
days ago and got quite a surprise. I guess he was jogging one morning
and saw that someone had written "Clinton Sucks!" in the snow (you
know, yellow snow?). Anyway, Clinton was furious and ordered an
investigation. And so after the investigation was completed Clinton
demanded the results. The head of the Secret Service said "Well Sir,
we have a problem. We did tests on the urine and determined that it
belonged to Jesse Jackson, but that's not the problem. The problem is
that it is Hillary's handwriting!"


LITTLE ROCK --- Right before Christmas, President-elect Bill Clinton
lost his voice, probably because of allergies to all the Christmas
greenery at the Arkansas governor's mansion. The President-elect puts
up with the allergies to get in the holiday spirit -- he "hangs pine
garlands and mistletoe," but he was surprised they bothered him
because he doesn't inhale. An aide said the allergies are "nothing to
worry about," they just make the president-elect stuffed up and
irritable. The future President was quoted as saying something like
"I doad doe whad de fug yur talkin' aboud. I feel fide. I could
negoadiate a tready. Bud off. Get owda here." Given how often he
loses his voice, his aides say the President-elect is learning "an
internationally understandable set of gestures," in case he has to
negotiate when he is totally voiceless and cranky.
	In a related story, Clinton aides refused to explain why there
is mistletoe hung over such odd locations as the secretarial pool,
near the women's restroom, and on Gennifer Flower's automobile
dashboard.

   Well, we're now a week into the Clinton administration, and the
problems of the nation have been solved. Taxes on the middle class
have been cut. President Clinton has taken a stance against waste and
ordered a 10% across-the-board cut in government spending, and a
national health care plan has been put together to provide basic
medical services at a reasonable cost, one which will be competitive
with commercial insurers.
   Ha ha, only kidding....
   Actually, Mr. Slick has barely figured out how to operate the desk
phone in the oval office, and the feces are striking the ventilation
equipment with a rhythm that might make for a good rap tune. The
leaders of the Senate - folks like Dan Moynihan and Sam Nunn (both
democrats, BTW) are looking downright embarrassed at the simultaneous
display of supreme arrogance and ignorance that seems to characterize
the Clinton administration. Republican house members are being
uncharacteristically quiet - perhaps just letting Mr. Slick select his
rope?
   (Another possibility is that we will see a congress and senate that
will realize that they basically have a loose cannon in the White
House, and do their best to minimize the damage. And the thought of
Congress being more responsible than the president is
Scary. Stock-up-on-ammunition- and-canned-goods type of Scary.)
   Taxes: Better get out the Vaseline, folks: That 4% tax increase
that was only going to apply to people making over $200k looks like it
might actually be 8%, and the folks making less than half that $200k
figure are getting ready for a "regrettable necessity" announcement
expected in the next couple of months. The latest estimate is that, if
he wants to provide any cut, even to the absolute lowest brackets,
he's going to have to start boosting taxes at a family income of about
$50k. Oh, and everybody better get used to paying more for gas: Al
Gore (who has done something remarkable by making Dan Quayle look like
a model of sophistication and intellect) has discovered oxygenated
gas. Even though it's been proved irrefutably that this has no
measurable benefit (and, in fact, several drawbacks - one of them
being a significantly higher cost). Oh, and you're going to be getting
slapped with an Energy Tax, but poor folks might be entitled to a
rebate from an agency whose existence will be paid for with the gas
tax, and whose sole purpose will be to administer the collection and
disbursement of energy taxes. Latest news is that, even with the
worst-case tax increases, Clinton's health plan will end up gobbling
up more money than his spending cuts and tax increases will raise, and
boost the deficit just a teensy, weensy bit. Say a couple hundred
billion or so. And that's from the democratic spin doctors, who are
making a valiant effort at damage control, so you can be pretty sure
that the Actual Mileage Will Probably Be Lower.
   I can sense a feeling in America, something like that of a drunk
waking up on Saturday morning, going "oh God, what did I do?" Well,
folks, a couple of Tylenol ain't even going to touch the headache that
Slick "Night Train" Clinton is going to give you! When Clinton was
elected, I hoped that I'd be able to get a few laughs at his spastic
attempts to manage the country - but what I'm presented with, reading
the paper every day, is an embarrassment of riches. The man makes
George Bush look like a distinguished elder statesman.

   There's also Chelsea's "rash" comment: She needed medication at
Sidwell Friends, and the nurse couldn't give her any medication
without having contacted the parents. Chelsea said something like, "Oh
that's okay. My mom's been pretty busy lately. Better call my dad."

   I've heard there's a new programming language out from University
of Tennessee. It's called Algor.
   There are some problems with it though. The syntax is very formal
and inflexible. And it's not a very powerful language either, since
it won't allow you to alter the operating environment.
   Personally, I don't think it'll be even around in four years.

   Everyone complained when Quayle misspelled potato. How come no
one's been screaming about Clinton's gaffe? He clearly spelled BUTT
incorrectly when he said, "I'm gonna tax your BTU's..."

   Health care costs rise uncontrollably. In England, they have begun
rationing health care services and in some cases they have waiting
lists for certain services. In fact, they now have a nine month
waiting list for abortions.

   Hillary Clinton is NOT running the country. Eleanor Roosevelt is
:-) (If case you don't know, Hillary has admitted to having private,
imaginary conversations with Eleanor Roosevelt)

   "Today that President Clinton commenced the first round of White
House staff cuts. It is also reportedly the first time Mr. Clinton has
given a woman a pink slip that he hasn't asked her to try on first..."

   Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a Gas
station. As the guy was filling up their car (he was dressed like a
typical grease-jockey) he said to Hillary "I went to High School with
you". She recognized him and agreed with him.
   Later as they were driving down the road Bill said "If you had
married him you wouldn't be married to the President".
   Hillary said "O yes I would - He would be President."

Dateline:  Washington, DC  February 26, 1993
   When questioned by reporters shortly after the World Trade Center
terrorist bomb exploded, the President responded, "If Congress will
just pass the Brady Bill, I'll sign it." Mr. Clinton further said,
"If the passage of this much needed legislation had not been
obstructed by the National Rifle Association, this senseless tragedy
would not have occurred, because there would have been a mandatory
seven day waiting period in place before this assault-type car bomb
could have been used." In closing, Mr. Clinton said, "I urge Congress
to break the gridlock and act today to prevent further atrocities of
this kind from occurring."

   The Secret Service has been worried by Bill Clinton's practice of
taking early morning jogs. They got a real scare the other day when
somebody threw a beer at the president. Fortunately, it turned out to
have been a draft, and Clinton was able to dodge it.

   "I celebrated Presidents' Day in an authentic manner. I jogged to
McDonald's, had a couple Big Macs, broke some promises from a couple
months ago, and then took some money from some average middle-class
citizens."

   A condom manufacturer, trying to capitalize on the popularity (?)
of President Bill Clinton, is introducing a new line of condoms called
the "Slick Willie."

   Bill Clinton will launch health consciousness campaign and promote
jogging and reportedly he asked Hillary would she run. "No", she
said,"not now, not until '96."

   Bill and Hillary were sitting in the bleachers, waiting for a
baseball game to start. A row of secret service agents sat behind
them and one leaned forward to whisper into Bill's ear. Bill turned
around, shrugged at the agent, then lifted Hillary by the scruff of
the neck and the seat of the pants and tossed her out onto the field.
She bounced a couple of times and started screaming her head off.
Bill was surprised and turned to the secret service guy for help. The
agent just shook his head and said "No, no Mr. President. I said
'throw out the first *pitch*'!"

   $100 bill sitting on the floor in the middle of a room, there are
three people in the room: a Clinton Administration official who tells
the truth, a Clinton Administration official who always lies, and the
Tooth Fairy. Lights go out, then come back on again; the $100 bill is
gone. Who took it? The Clinton Administration official who always
lies, coz the other two don't exist!!!

   After World War II, many of the Western Europeans started playing
around with socialism. That was really stupid. The French, for
example, are just beginning to come to their senses.
Norway... Sweden... Denmark... SHEE-YAW... well that goes without
saying...
   Now we have the newly elected Clinton Regime... Walking into a
wall is not intelligent... But walking into a wall when you saw the
guy in front of you do it... That is just plain idiotic!

   GRIDLOCK (n), term denoting Congressional resistance to the
President's agenda. This term may be used ONLY when Clinton's agenda
is opposed by Congressional Republicans (i.e., Bob Dole, R-KS). Not
to be confused with "meaningful debate" or "healthy disagreement", an
identical situation that exists when the President's agenda is stymied
by Congressional Democrats (i.e., Dave Boren, D-OK).


     After an intensive study of the president's personal life, it has
been determined that he is not a heterosexual, a bisexual, or even a
homosexual.
   He is suffering from the rare infliction of egosexual since he is
constantly screwing himself.

   As you know, there were many candidates for National Bird. Franklin
favored the wild turkey which is a tough resourceful bird, totally
unlike the butterball thing you buy at Thanksgiving. Others favored
the American Bald Eagle because it looked fierce and noble.
   Bill Clinton's choice for National Bird, is the Yellow Bellied Sap
Sucker. Co-President Rodhams choice is either the Shrike (the female
of which, castrates its mate after coupling, [Watch your balls,
Bill!]) or the Harpie which is a kind of vulture. Harpies were the
birds that tore out Prometheus' liver because he had the temerity to
bring down fire from the Home of the Gods.
   Labor Secretary Reich's choice is the miniature budgie, a
diminutive bird that talks much and says little. Ms. Reno's choice is
no doubt the Jail Bird.

   The Liberal Media have only been telling part of the haircut story,
my conservative friends.
   It seems that while Bill was getting his haircut, he also got a
manicure. Actually, being a country boy and all, Bill did know for
sure what a manicure was a first, but the manicurist was a beautiful
woman wearing a very revealing low-cut blouse. So he sat quietly and
enjoyed the view.
   Just as the haircut was done, the manicurist was finishing up, and
looked up and asked Bill: "Do you want your cuticles push back?"
   "Aww no, that's OK", replied Bill, "it'll be all right when I stand
up."

   [On the claim that "lying" should be grounds to nullify an election:]
"If that's the standard, President Clinton could get the
death penalty at this point." -- Jay Leno

   Rumor has it that President Clinton is considering starting a new
career as a book wholesaler. He is said to be especially interested in
the former best-seller, "The Peter Principle". Even his harshest
critics think that Mr. Bill may be on to something this time.

   Al Gore's daughters were overheard at Take-your-Daughter-to-Work-Day
complaining that they were bored and demanded to go back to school

   Clinton on his hundredth day in office said he's done a lot but
still has a lot farther to go. That's right, he hasn't broken all his
campaign promises yet"

   President Clinton's latest trial balloon is that he wants to create
a new trust fund. The plan is that all money raised by new taxes would
go into this fund and that all the money in this fund would go toward
paying off the national debt. One of Clinton's advisors has reportedly
been fired for suggesting that this new fund be named "Social Security
#2".

   Looks, though, Mr. Clinton's threat to scatter US Post Offices and
postal workers around in Serbia and Bosnia has brought a truce to the
area.

Bill Clinton goes to a hair stylist.
"Good morning Mr. President, what are you going to do about Bosnia?"
"I'm here to have my hair cut, what the f--- do you care about Bosnia?"
"I don't care a f--- about Bosnia, dahling, but it's easier to cut
your hair when it stands on end."

   Bill asks a page girl out. Her response: "Mr. President, if you
can raise my skirt as high as you're hiked our taxes, if you can get
your dick as hard as you've made our lives hard, if you can screw me
like you've screwed the American people, then I'll go out with you!"

   A Washington woman calls 911: "There's a Republican standing
outside my window, masturbating!"
   "Lady, how do you know he's a Republican?"
   "If he was a Democrat, he'd be screwing somebody!"

   Clinton has designed a new energy efficient car with no seat and no
steering wheel, for those of us who have lost our asses and have
nowhere to turn.

   The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and
Hillary's faces on them... But test marketing showed that the
customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps.

Clinton is shaking hands with voters.
   "Pleased to meet you," says one old man, "I've heard a lot about
you."
   Clinton laughs: "But you can't prove any of it!"

Bill Clinton's is addressing a gathering.
   "We've got to tighten our belts..."
The audience is clapping.
   "We've got to make sacrifices..."
The audience goes wild.
   "Things will get much worse before they get better..."
Audience: "Thank you, Mr. President!" "That's good for the
business!" Bill is flabbergasted. "I'm trying to tax all the
business out of business, what the hell are you telling me that I'm
doing something that's good for your business? Where am I at,
anyway?"
   Aide: "At the undertakers' convention!"


   Preelection voter registration drive in Arkansas. Two Democrat
activists are walking through the local cemetery, copying the names
off the tombstones. They come across an old tombstone so covered with
dirt and moss that they can't make out the name. "Let's skip this
one," says one. "Naw, this man's got as much right to vote for Bill
Clinton as anyone else lying in this cemetery."

   Ballot counting an Arkansas... Among the thousands of Clinton
ballots, they see a single Bush ballot. "Put it aside," says the
chief counter. A few hours later they see another Bush ballot. The
chief smiles: "Just as I thought, the Republican bastard has voted
twice! Annul both his votes."

   Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan are in a boat in the
Potomac, when suddenly the boat develops a leak. They have only one
life preserver jacket. Bill says: "Let's do the Democratic
thing... Take a vote to see who gets the life preserver." They each
write a name on a piece of paper and stuff it in a coffee can. Bush
and Reagan get one vote each; Clinton gets six.

   Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are
flying aboard Air Force 1. Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred
dollar bill out the window and make someone happy." Hillary: "Why
don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten
people happy." Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me
and Tipper happy." Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and
make everybody else happy."

   A man goes in a bar in Montana. He is watching TV over the bar and
Bill Clinton comes on. He says out loud to no one in particular, "If
that guy isn't the biggest horses ass I have ever seen, I don't know
who is". A big cowboy comes down the bar and knocks him off his
stool. He got back up and started watching TV again. This time
Hillary comes on. He says again out loud, "I thought Bill was bad the
Hillary is definately the Biggest Horses Ass in the world!" Another
cowboy comes from the other end and knockes him off his stool. The
guy is perplexed. He gets back on his stool and says to the
bartended. "Excuse me, I thought I was in a pretty conservative
state. Where am I? Clinton country?" "No" the bartender said.
"Sir, you're in horse country!".

   An aide brings Clinton the results of the latest public opinion
poll. "The American public thinks..." Clinton interrupts: "When I
want to know what the American public thinks, I'll ask myself!"

   Heckler: "Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests
control you?"
   Clinton (visibly upset): "You leave Hillary out of this!"

   Clinton is giving a speech. A member of the audience wakes up
momentarily to ask: "Hasn't he finished yet?"
   A neighbor replies: "He's finished an hour ago, but he hasn't stopped."
   "What's he talking about, anyway?"
   "Dunno, he didn't get there yet."

   Clinton gives a 3-hour speech. After the speech he kicks an aide on
the shin: "This was supposed to be a 1-hour speech!"
   "Mr. President, you've read the original and 2 Xerox copies!"

   Yeltsin visits Washington, DC. Clinton is giving a speech:
"Dear President Mitterand! Hillary and I are delighted..."
   An aide tugs his sleeve: "This is President Yeltsin!"
   "I can see that, but the teleprompter says `Mitterand'!".

   Little Chelsea walks into the bathroom while Bill Clinton is taking
a shower. She points to his penis and asks: "Daddy, what's that
for?" Bill grins: "Wait till your mother goes out to a cabinet
meeting, and you'll find out."

   Chelsea comes comes to Hillary and announces that she has lost her
virginity. "You were a little to old for this," says Hillary, "but
did you at least enjoy it?"
   "The first five congressmen were fun, but then my pussy got real
tired."

   Chelsea is entertaining a boyfriend in her White House quarters. At
some point she unzips his fly, bends down, and starts sucking his
cock. When he comes, she timidly asks: "Did you like it?" "I liked
it an awful lot, but I'd never guess that you too are gay!"

   Nation-building kit, size small, slightly used. Has new water pump
and security option. Unfortunately my wife wants me to get rid of it
since we have other things to spend the money on. Best offer.
Contact bill@whitehouse.gov.

   During Desert Shield, President Bush made a holiday visit to the
mideast to visit the troops.
   Wonder if Commander-in-Chief Clinton plans on making a trip to
Somalia this Thanksgiving? They could have all the press out on the
beach when he wades ashore, wonderful photo opportunity. Then they
could get pictures of him leading a protest against the imperialist
yankee military and burning an American flag. Of course, all that
would make him hungry. Do they have a McDonalds there, I wonder..?

   Secretary of State Warren Cristopher, on Meet the Press Sunday
morning, was asked if the Clinton administration ruled out sending
more troops into combat to arrest Somalia warlords. He replied,
"we're not ruling anything out, but the focus is on a political
solution."

   Bill Clinton walks into a marital aids store and says to the
proprietor: "I want Hillary to fuck me in the ass with a dlido! I want
the biggest dildo you've got!"
   "Yes, Mr. President, here's a 10-inch white dildo for $60."
   "It's not big enough!"
   "Here's a deluxe 13" 15-speed black dildo for $80."
   "It's not big enough! How much is this 18" plaid dildo in your desk?"
   "$120, Mr. President."
   "I'll take it!"
   As soon as Bill walks out the door, the proprietor starts calling
his friends: "Guess what! Bill Clinton just came in and bought my
thermos!"

   Clinton is merely doing for gays in the military what Hilary has
done for Bozos in the White House: as long as she doesn't *tell*
anyone she's the President, she can continue to *be* the President.

   What with scientists wanting to exhume Abraham Lincoln's remains
and analyze his DNA to determine whether he had Marfan's Syndrome, why
not dig up and clone a whole set of presidents? Then Disneyland could
have a real Abe Lincoln instead of a crummy robot...
   As the National Park Service has discovered, presidents are a great
tourist attraction. Presidential Park could be established somewhere
in the vicinity of Mt. Rushmore...
   Of course, unpredictable things might happen if they couldn't get a
complete DNA sequence for Eleanor Roosevelt and had to fill the gaps
with donations from Hillary Clinton...!

   Well, after the PLO's and Israel shook hands and said that
everything was "hunky-dory", Clinton invited the Israeli Prime
Minister back to the oval office. The Prime Minister looked at
Clinton's desk and noticed that he had three phones: a black one, a
red one, and a white one. The Prime Minister asked, "What is the red
phone for?" Clinton said, "It's a direct line to Russia. Got to keep
up with Yeltsin." Then the Prime Minister asked, "What's the white
one for, then?" Clinton said, "That's a direct line to God. Did you
know that it's a $5,000,000 a minute phone call to him?" The Prime
Minister just nodded and went on with the tour.
   Weeks later, Clinton took a secret trip to Israel and toured the
Prime Minister's office. He noticed that the Prime Minister had three
phones just like his. He asked, "What's the red phone for?" The
Prime minister replied, "It's a direct line to Russia." Clinton
nodded and then asked, "What's the white one for?" The Prime Minister
replied, "It's a direct line to God." Clinton said, "How can a poor
country like yours afford that expensive phone call?" The Prime
Minister said, "Oh, well, here it's local."

(True)
   The Internet Multicasting Service was scheduled to demonstrate
Internet mail etc. on the White House lawn yesterday (October 21,
1993) but at the last minute was told there would be no electrical
power available. Making the best of it, Carl Malamud said:
   "We're pleased to announce that the White House demonstration we
were planning, though slightly changed in execution from our original
goals, made a form of technical history. Though our project proposal
was approved for Internet connectivity, some slight logistical
misunderstandings resulted in a decision by White House staff that no
power would be available to any of the vendors, making operation of
our computers a real challenge.
   We went ahead and made sure that our configuration would work both
with and without power in our facilities and at other remote sites.
The system worked beautifully but, due to the no-power requirement,
during our actual installation we reverted to Plan B and installed the
world's first Powerless LAN (pLAN).
   We're pleased to report that this pLAN worked and implementation
was flawless. The boxes sat on the table and were able to do
everything you would expect out of a computer with the power switched
off. At this level of functionality, we successfully demonstrated
interoperability between machines from Sun Microsystems, Persoft,
Intel, Hewlett Packard, and many other leading firms in the computer
and communications industries."

   Boy walks up to girl and says "I'm so bright my father calls me
SUN!" Humoriously impaired girl (blonde?) thinks this is Hillaryious
(Rodham Clintinous) so the next person she sees she says " I'm so
bright my mother calls me DAUGHTER"

(Overheard in the Computer Science Undergraduate Association office)
   Everyone on the net by now knows that mail to the President can be
sent to president@whitehouse.gov, and that mail to the Vice President
should be addressed to vice-president@whitehouse.gov. However, most
people don't realize that mail to Hillary Clinton should be adressed
to root@whitehouse.gov.

   On Tuesday, October 12, President Bill Clinton gave the keynote
address at a celebration of University of North Carolina's 200th
anniversary. Friendly Pawn in nearby Durham, NC displayed the
following sign:
                   Welcome Pres. Clinton
                       Ammo 50% off


   There was a game show on T.V every week, in which a Special guest
had 10 questions to discover what the mystery item was.
   So one week the host introduces the special guest and it's none
other than Hillary Clinton. The audience are delighted as the host
sits Hillary down on a chair and blindfolds her. Then just before he
pulls back the curtain on this weeks mystery item, he take a look at
what it is, 'cos he didn't even know himself. He nearly dies of
embarrasement when he sees it's a 'horses cock'. Thinking quickly he
decides to go ahead since it's a live show. So he draw back the
curtain and the audience cracks up laughing.
   So the host say to Hillary, "Can we have your first question".
Hillary replies " Could you eat it? "
   And the host mumbles a bit and says " Eh well, I eh suppose you
could" The host then says " And what's your next question Hillary?"
Hillary replies " It wouldn't happen to be a horses cock would it???"

   This guy goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks
at a watch called "the George Bush Watch" and asks the sales clerk why
there are no hands. The sales clerk says - "you are suppose to read
his lips". He then looks at a watch called the "Ross Perot Watch" and
notices that it isn't running - the sales clerk tells him "it runs, it
doesn't run, it runs, it doesn't run................." He then
notices a watch called the "Bill Clinton Watch" and sees that it runs,
has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk
how much. The sales clerk replies "$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus
tax, plus tax, plus tax........................."

   The White Houses recent embarassment regarding cabinet nominations,
specifically dealing with Zoe Baird, Kimba Wood, and most recently,
Bobby Ray Inman, all of whom failed to pay delinquint Social Security
taxes until nominated, has given President Clinton an idea for filling
the nations coffers.

   Starting next week the IRS will begin nominating everybody who owes
back taxes to U.S. cabinet posts. If it works then they may even
fight organized crime by offering Senate seats to mafia bosses.

   The Clinton administration announced today that if North Korea will
voluntarily turn in its nuclear bombs, we will send them a certificate
for $100 worth of toys or sneakers.

   Rush Limbaugh and Hillary Clinton are alone on an elevator.
Hillary grabs the STOP button and pulls it out, stranding the pair
between floors. She strips off her clothes, throws them to the floor
and says "Rush, make me feel like a _woman_!"
   Rush strips off HIS clothes, throws them to the floor, and says
"Fold those."

   The Clintons and the Gores were very stressed out and decided to
rest at Camp David. That night they were all sitting around the fire,
Hillary then suggested that night they should partner switch. The
others were very reluctant, but Hillary talked them into it.
   The next morning Hillary was at the table, reading the newspaper,
when Bill came down. Bill got a glass of juice out of the frig and
asked Hill how was the night? She said it was the best night she had
ever had and that she had 20 orgasms. Bill's face fell. Hillary,
after going into detail with Bill finally asked, "Oh, how was your
night with Al?"

   What was Clinton's biggest mistake about the Whitewater scandal?
He should have hired Oliver North as his aid de camp for shredding
documents.

Did you hear what Janet Reno said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"You gonna burn that?"
Did you hear what Janet Reno said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"Attagirl!"
Did you hear what Jocelyn Elders said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"Be sure you put a condom on that."
Did you hear what Vince Foster said to Lorena Bobbitt??
"HELLLLLLP! Get me outta here!!"
Did you hear what Eleanor Roosevelt said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"As I was telling Hillary the other day, ..."
Did you hear what Bill Clinton said to Lorena Bobbit?
"Next time you're up in DC..."
Did you hear what John Bobbitt said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"NOOOOOOO! OWWWWWWWW!!! OHHH,SHITT!! NOOOOO! 
YOU CRAZY BITCH!!! I DON'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!"

   Hillary Clinton is in fact a stage name. Hillary is an adaptation
of "Hillarious", which was Ms. Clinton's stage name when she was in
Vauderville, KY, doing late night comedy stick. Likewise Billary is a
stagename. Ms. Clinton's real (maiden) name was Jilliary Rodham.
   All this can be found in Sedra & Fairchilds' _Presidential Trivia_
(ISDN: 284-9813-094, Harcourt, Brace, Jahovawitness).

			     S N O O Z E W E E K
-WASHINGTON, D.C. -- White House security officials were shocked this
morning to discover that many of the famed cherry trees that abound in
our nation's capital had been felled by a mysterious axeman. The
mystery lumberjack was identified when Secret Service agents found
President Bill Clinton, budget axe in hand, hard at work; he reported
that "I cannot tell a lie, Bush and Reagan did it."

   "Webster Hubbell, you've just been accused of overbilling customers
while you worked at the Rose Law Firm in Little Rock, and now you're
quitting, in disgrace, your job as Assistant Attorney General. What
are you going to do now?"
   "I'm going to the G7 Jobs Conference in Deeetroit City.."

]  GO (A Chinese and Japanese board game) is a lousy game. It is boring
]and exhausting. All pieces (stones) are identical, showing oriental
]culture does not tolerate individuality. The result is either win or
]lose and there is no draw, indicating oriental culture does not
]advocate compromise. No physical representation is assigned to any
]piece, implying oriental people have no personality.
]   Yeh, there is a Chinese chess. But that was brought from India and
]Chinese made some changes into it. A pawn can not be promoted and
]Queen is missing from action. Chinese do not respect small-time nobody
]and discriminate against women. They count cannon in as a chessman
]because they love more violence. They replace bishop with prime
]minister because they believe in power than free thinking. Finally
]they create two guards for their general or marshall since they are
]more scared and they are real "paper tigers".
]  (There is no King in Chinese chess, the purpose of the game is to
]catch the general or the marshall)
   Chess, an Occidental bored;-) game is a lousy game. It's too simple
and doesn't need to much brain. Different pieces are given different
power and ability, showing the Anglo passion for class. Unlike the Go,
as the game progresses, pieces are killed and less pieces are left
than the opening of the game, implying the Occidental culture's
preference for destruction. Whereas in Go, more pieces exist than the
opening, and all pieces eventually coexist in an integrated way,
showing that Oriental culture prefers peace and harmony. Besides, the
black square bishop can not move into white squares indicating the
Occidentals have always been promoting aparthied. However, there is
something good about Chess, the king has to depend on his wife for
strength, a justification for the Americans' choice of Bill Clinton as
their president.

   Okay, so Clinton's walking this dog around the White House lawn,
right? He walks it past the guard's post, and the marine says
"Mr. President, is that a new dog?"
   Clinton smiles, and replies, "Why yes, I got it for my wife."
   The marine specs the dog, looks up with a smile and says, "Good
trade."

   A liberal will let a few people cheat the system to make sure that
nobody goes hungry. A conservative will let a few people go hungry to
make sure nobody cheats the system.
   After hearing how Hillary made $99,000.00 profit trading livestock
futures (on a $1,000 investment), I'm surprised no liberals have
figured out how to take advantage of this.
   Just give Hillary the whole GNP and let her invest it in livestock
futures. Then use the profits to pay for the Clinton health care
plan.

   The Clintons are certainly running a rock and roll presidency! It
ain't workin', Hilary wants our money for nothin' and Bill wants his
chicks for free!

   You all know that many men name their penii because they don't want
perfect strangers making 90% of their decisions.
   Ted Kennedy has a name for his: "Quick Dick", for obvious reasons.
   Because he uses it so much, its often tender, so he had a leather
sleeve, or chaps made for it when he's not using it.
   He calls it his Chap-a-Quick-Dick.

   The other day Hillary asked Bill to get a vasectomy. So he went to
his doctor and said "Doc, I'd like a vasectomy". His doc looked at him
and turned in suprise saying "You don't need me. You can do it
yourself. All you have to do is roll up a newspaper, put a little
firecracker, put it next to your ear in it and count to 10"
   Bill looked at him wryly and said "I think I want a 2nd opinion.
The next day he goes to another doctor and says "Doc, I'd like a
vasectomy". His doc looked at him and turned in suprise saying "You
don't need me. You can do it yourself. All you have to do is roll up
a newspaper, put a little firecracker in it, put it next to your ear
and count to 10".
   Bill tells him "I think I'm gonna go home and sleep on this one.
He wakes up the next morning and thinks he'll give it a try. After
all, 2 doctors said it would work.
   He rolls up the newspaper, puts in the litle firecracker, puts it
next to his ear and starts to count with his fingers, 1,2,3,4,5, looks
frantically around for more finger, puts the rolled up newspaper
between his legs, 6,7,8,9...

   President Nixon left instructions that if he was seriously ill, he
did not want his breathing assisted by an artificial respirator. This
shows that, to the end, Mr. Nixon was capable of making firm,
reasonable decisions. President Clinton has also left instructions on
what should be done if he is critically ill. He wants to be placed on
a respirator, but he does not want to inhale.

   Somebody please help the Democrats find their brain; it appears
they've lost it. Or perhaps the socialists stole it, needing one for
themselves?

   Mrs. Clinton consulted her personal physican concerning a itching
in the groin region. After examining her, he was too embarassed to
tell her that she suffered from pubic lice. When pressed for a
diagnosis, he said, "I regret to inform you that you have 'a bug in
the oval oriface'"

   Have you heard they're gonna rename the President's helicopter to
"Golf Course One?"
   Initially, the aides said it wasn't a personal golf game, they
claimed to be scouting out the golf course for the President. One
theory has it that this was _really_ what they were doing, scouting
out a golf course for Bill, but our President didn't have the spine to
defend them, so he sacked the aide instead.
   My guess is they were scouting out babes for the President. Ah
mean, it's got to be awfully lonely locked into the White House with
Hillary all these months. And no Arkansas State Troopers to help you
out, if you know what Ah mean.
   Can't you just imagine this Marine helicopter hovering over a
swimming pool in suburban Maryland, when a male voice comes over the
loudspeaker, "HEY, YOU DOWN THERE, YOU IN THE PINK BIKINI. THE
PRESIDENT WANTS TO TALK WITH YOU ABOUT A JOB."

          Environmental group objects to bust of Clinton
     The Goddess Gaia movement demonstrated outside the White House of
the proposed stone sculpture of President Clinton.
     A spokeswoman said her groups objected because, "They plan to
ruin a perfectly good rock."

   So the Clinton's are going to a formal engagement. Hillary comes
down the stairs stark naked with a lemon between her thighs. Bill is
not amused and asks what the deal is. Hillary says, "This is how I am
going to go and that is that." Well, Bill marches upstairs and comes
back down naked with a potato squeezed between his thighs. Hillary
demands an explanation to which Bill replies, "If you're gonna go as a
sourpuss then I'm gonna go as a dictator!" [badoom boom]

   As Bill was just a good boy from Arkansas and was not quite sure
about good etiquette at his "incoronation", [at Oxford] he decided to
ask for the advice of a Master of Ceremonies to follow him around
throughout the day and make sure he didn't screw up.
   And so, through the day, the Master of Ceremonies wispered softly
in Bill's ears what to do and not to do and ensured no problems
occurred.
   As they were walking up the steps of Capitol Hill, the Master of
Ceremonies suddenly smells this awful stench and turns around in
surprise towards Clinton, asking softly:
   "Did you fart Mr. President?" and Bill alarmed replied:
   "No, should I?"

   Bill Clinton, upon narrowly escaping from an assassination attempt,
decided the Secret Service just wasn't cutting it. So he granted Mike
Tyson a presidential pardon and hired him as a full-time, personal
bodyguard. Tyson accompanied him everywhere, even in the bathroom.
One day Bill and Mike were standing in front of adjacent urinals when
Bill noticed that Mike was quite well endowed. "Gee, Mike," Bill
said, "How did that thing ever get so big?"
   "It's like this," Tyson replied in that distinctive voice of his.
"Every night, before I go to bed, I smack it against the bed post ten
times. That's all it takes."
   "What a good idea!" said Bill. "Hillary's been ignoring me
lately; this could really perk up our love life."
   Later that evening in the White House bedroom, with Hillary already
asleep, Bill decided to try it out. He undressed and began to bang
his ol' tallywhacker against the bed post. This woke Hillary, who
turned over, giggled, and said in her most romantic voice,
   "That you, Mike?"

   After seeing footage from the new movie "The Lion King," I want to
dedicate a movie to Bill Clinton.
   I'd like to call it "The Lion President."

   At a news conference, a journalist said to the President Clinton,
"Fawn Hall said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please
comment on this."
   "The truth is," said Bill, "that she has a big mouth."

   If Bill Clinton got married to Lorena Bobbitt, would it get rid of
that dick in the White House?

   There was a little boy who prayed every night for two weeks, asking
God for $100. When he got no response, he thought it would be a good
idea to write to God and see if that worked.
   The post office received the letter addressed to "GOD, USA," they
decided that it would be best to just forward the letter to President
Clinton. The president read the letter and thought it was cute, so he
asked his secretary to send the boy $5, thinking the boy would think
that was a lot of money.
   When the boy got the letter, he was so excited that he sat down
immediately to write a thank-you letter. "Dear God," he wrote, "Thank
you very much for the money you sent. I suppose it is to be expected,
but I thought you should know that when you sent it through
Washington, D.C., the bastards deducted $95."

   One day, President Clinton was walking around Washinton DC
wondering how on earth he was going to fix the mess our country is in.
Seeking inspiration, he decided to pay a visit to several of the
monuments and memorials of the great Presidents of old.
   First, he stops off at the Washington Monument, and there he meets
and talks with the spirit of President Washington. "George," he says,
"you were one of the best leaders our country ever had. You really
helped get this country off to a good start, and provided clear
direction for the people. Everybody trusted you -- how can I gain the
trust of the people?"
   President Washington looked at President Clinton and said, "Never
tell a lie." Clinton thought this over, frowning, and walked on.
   After a while, he came to the Jefferson Memorial, and there talked
with the spirit of Thomas Jefferson. "Tom," said Clinton, "You were
also one of our greatest founding fathers, and you helped construct
the basis for our entire legal system. You helped to pass really good
laws, and you were very popular as a president. How can I improve my
popularity?"
   President Jefferson looked at President Clinton and said, "Never
raise taxes." Clinton winced, and walked away muttering to himself.
   Finally, he came to the Lincoln Memorial. Feeling a little
desperate now, he pleads with the spirit of President Lincoln. "Abe,"
he says, "You were undoubtedly one of the greatest Presidents we've
ever had. You were a man of great integrity, and you really helped
pull our people together and establish unity after the Civil War.
Also, you abolished slavery, and in doing so you helped to set all of
our people free from an uncivilized institution. How can I help to
set our people free today?"
   President Lincoln looked at President Clinton and said simply, "Go
see a play."

   A drunk guy meets up with three women at a bar and ends up taking
all three of them home with him for the night. Those three women turn
out to be Lorena Bobbit, Tanya Harding and Hillary Clinton. And the
next morning, the guy awoke to find his dick cut off and both of his
legs broken. Adding insult to injury, he didn't have any health
insurance!

   The way that things are going. It's clear why the Clinton
Administration wants to reinvent government. They're having a lot of
trouble dealing with the existing form....Democracy.

   Clinton is planning to launch an invasion of Haiti. As far as the
numbers are concerned, their trigger fingers outnumber our invading
trigger fingers 2 to 1. Our ships weigh about 100 times more than
theirs, at least). What I can't figure out is why we send so many
ships when all the fighting is going to be on land. Are we supposed
to win just because our navy looks intimidating? Maybe, if we let all
the guns on the ships go off at once, the Juntu will say, "Wow, big
noise, lots of ships, better give up, yes/no?" Fat Chance.
   And what is Clinton doing out there, anyway? We have no vested
interest in Haiti. Saving the people? Then why did we ignore the
Serbs? I think the Pres. is going for a quick and easy war that he
can win for brownie points. I see a problem. If he wants to assure
that win, why is he sending over such a small number of soldiers. We
got plenty of soldiers. We could outnumber them 3 to 1 and make them
look like Boy Scouts compared to us. Maybe he's going for the heroic
image. "They outnumbered us, but we kicked their butts, anyway."

   "Jimmy, listen to me. I've done everything except tell Cedras that
I'll cut off his nuts and feed 'em to Flipper, but the stupid bastard
still won't hit the bricks. Could you stop by the White House and
pick up about $50 million and carry it down to Port au Prince, and
explain to him just how well he could live on that money if he moved
to Hope, Arkansas? Thanks, Jimmy, and by the way, could you send some
of your Habitat for Humanity folks up here to fix the wiring in the
West Wing?"

   President Clinton told reporters today that the planned invastion
of Haiti could be "the most umpopular thing I've ever had to do as
President."
   Mr. President, we beg to differ. The most unpopular thing you've
ever done was to be inagurated as President. It's been downhill since
then, too.

   Clinton was about to get Republicans in Congress to approve an
invasion by simply telling Bob Dole, "we have a new plan. Haitians
will be welcomed into this country, provided they all move to Kansas."

   President Clinton and Vice President Gore were coming back from a
Health Care meeting in their Limo when Gore asks, "Hey Bill, what are
you gonna do when you get back to the White House?" The Slickster
replied, "Well, I'm gonna tear off Hillary's panties!" "Wow",
exclaimed Gore, "I didn't know you and Hillary were so passionate!" So
Clinton replies, "We're not. It's just that these damn things are
starting to tear into my waist!"

   Clinton is on the beach at Martha's Vinyard and finds that an old
bottle has washed ashore. When the Prez opens it a very wan Genie
snakes out.
   Genie: Hi Bill, I'm a very weak genie so I can only grant you one
wish and it had better be easy if you want me to do it.
   Clinton: I pray for world peace, give me that
   Genie: That's a little hard, give me something easier.
   Clinton: Make Hillary into the most beautiful woman in the world?
   Genie: World peace it is.

   Did you hear the Clinton's switched from MCI to AT&T. They didn't
have enough friends and family to keep up the calling circle.

   First Lady Hillary Clinton, bristling somewhat under questions
about the thumping the Republicans laid on the Democrats last week,
gave her opinion about how President Clinton should react to the
Republican majority on the hill, "I think he should not let the
Republicans dictate his agenda. I think he should continue to govern
on the goals that he ran and was elected on. And he better do EXACTLY
what I say."
   There's been some speculation that if the Clintons stop off in
Singapore, Tom Foley is planning to fly out there to give old Bubba
about 20 lashes with the cane for all the damage he did to the
Democratic party.

   Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven.
St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody'
down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm
swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you as soon
as I can."
   So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She
notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on
that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help
notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead 15 minutes.
When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?"
St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man
on Earth." Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps
ahead 15 minutes?" St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that
belongs to that clock has just committed adultery." Hillary asks,
"Well, is MY husband's clock on the wall?" St. Peter replies, "Oh,
hell no. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric
fan."

   At a press conference a few weeks ago (just after the firing of
Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders) a member of the press corps asked
Clinton if he had ever masturbated. Clinton responded with, "Yes, but
I don't ejaculate."

   The following was taken from an anonymous source somewhere in the
vicinity of Oxford, England (probably recorded in a pub at a late
hour!)
   That Clinton Laudatio in full
   WILHELMUS JEFFERSONIUS AIRPLANUS CLINTONENSIS, SALUTAMUS
VENERABILIS UNIVERSITATIS OXONIENSIS. QUONDAM RHODUS SCHOLASTICUS ET
MARIJUANA NON-INHALIENSIS, ET EX BELLO VIET- NAMENSIS NON
CONSCRIPTIONE EX- CUSATUS. SUBSEQUENTIS GUBERNATOR RESPUBLICA
ARKANSENSIS ET PERPETRA- TOR CRIMINALIS SLEAZISSIMUS IN NOMINE "AQUA
BLANCA" SCANDALUS, CUM TUA UXORE HILLARIUS RODDAMA CLINTES- TERONE.
ETIAM LEGOVERUS MULTI- TUDINUS CUM MULTAE BIMBONES, GENNIFA FLORES,
PAULA JONES ET CETERA, ET CETERA. SATYRIASIS ABNORMALIS IN MODO
PRESIDENTIUS KENNEDENSIS. TUA FAMA EXTENDID PER OMNE MUNDO PRO
JOGGENDO, JUVANDO AD SAXOPHONUM ET NON MUCH ELSE. ESPERAMUS QUID PRO
QUO MULTI RICHI AMERICANI DONABUNT MUCHOS DOLLARES AD UNIVERSITATEM
OXONIENSIS.
   OMNES:  VIVAT, VIVAT CLINTSTONE ZABA-DABA-DOO.

		   From the Desk Of Bill Clinton
Dear Hillary:
   I am sorry that things have come to this pass. It all began with
Walter Murdock, Lieut., USN Ret., whose paranoia spun out of control
and threatened the whole fabric of our reality. Walter sent me notes
at president@whitehouse.gov in a spirit of self-importance exceeded
only by my own. Those notes were duly passed on to the Secret Service,
who duly scratched their heads and tried to figure out what Walter was
really saying between the lines. They concluded that he was forwarding
threats to the President in furtherance of his own motives, which in
turn were shaped by associations that reached deeply into his
past. Duly alarmed, they've now put out an APB for Walter, and at this
moment are questioning his neighbors, friends and relatives concerning
those associations and his hidden motives. None of this should have
remotely been of concern to me, but it turns out that a close friend
of mine at UC Davis was the author of one of the notes that was
forwarded to me by Walter, and while his intentions and comments were
completely innocent, Walter's actions have jeopardized his position at
the University, which in turn has caused him very serious problems
with his wife. I think you will remember his wife, Deborah Schuster,
whom you met at the Inaugural Ball and whom I have known for some
time.
   It is a matter of some embarrasment to me that Deborah has now
approached Walter Murdock with the groundless charge that I once had
an affair with her, and that her husband's idle comments, turned into
official fodder for the Secret Service, were born of that
relationship. While all of this would seem to be a tempest in the
proverbial teapot, I must admit that there was a time when Deborah and
I were very close. I will not say we were intimate, but I was very
vulnerable at the time and she very cruelly took advantage of my
natural fondness for the opposite sex. Walter Murdock, of course,
immediately apprised the investigating officer of the Secret Service
of this startling development, and they of course relayed the news to
me. I asked them at that time to try to find Walter before his
paranoia sunk the whole ship, but upon learning of his relationship
with Deborah, my friend at UC Davis became appropriately enraged and
forced him into hiding. Since he was hiding at the same time the
Secret Service was looking for him, he was declared a fugitive and has
become the subject of an international manhunt.
   Ordinarily, not even all of these events would unduly concern me,
but as fate would have it, the UC Davis fellow, like you and me a
graduate of Yale, had participated like you in the experiment, now
discredited, which led to your being photographed in the nude. A
retired professor from UC Davis now doing research at the Smithsonian
on body types managed to acquire for him (for a substantial price, I
might add) a copy of the photograph of you that was taken during your
matriculation. With Walter safely out of his reach, he angrily decided
to make a deal with the publisher of Penthouse, Bob Guccione, for
publication of your picture. While I would find this embarassing, as
of course you would, it seems that the publisher added an extra fillip
to his presentation of your assets by adding certain indiscreet
photographs taken by an ex-roomate of Deborah's from Deborah's
personal scrapbook. This was of concern to me because I appear in
those pictures unclothed from the neck down (I'm wearing a silly
little hat, but not on my head). This picture reveals us in flagrante
delicto, I'm sorry to say, although we in fact never had intercourse;
it was more like that business in Arkansas with that other woman
you've unfortunately been reading about.
   Frankly, I could live with our pictures in Penthouse, but this
whole affair has unfortunately become enmeshed in the Vince Foster
matter, and the New York Times, having received advance word of the
explosive contents of new month's Penthouse, has gone forward with a
Vince Foster project that had been on the back burner (and I thought
they had given up on it, frankly). They plan to tie his suicide to the
relationship between Deborah, the UC Davis fellow and myself, claiming
that it was an unsavory bisexual relationship whose details had come
to him through an overzealous Naval officer who remains unidentified.
   Normally, this would not unduly excite me, but again, certain
photographs have come to light -- or at least are swimming toward the
light, meaning publication in the New York Times sister publication,
US Magazine, and these again involve me in certain unclothed
shenanigans that could be misconstrued by the naive as suggesting the
existence of an appetite on my part for unusual sex practices. Nothing
could be further from the truth, of course, but with this revelation
the Times has also learned that both Deborah and the professor are
afflicted with a terrible disease, and I don't mean genital herpes,
although that is part of the problem. I am referring, of course, to
AIDS.
   As you know, I am as tolerant of alternative sexual behaviors and
their potential outcomes as the next person (assuming that that is Al
Gore), and far be it from me to condemn Deborah or her husband for
having roped me into posing with them in ways that could be construed
to suggest that I am likely to have become a carrier of AIDS in
consequence. I am not saying, of course, that I do have AIDS, although
at this point I must confess that that is what the White House doctor
says; I have to caution you that his tests are potentially flawed, and
not at all foolproof. Nonetheless, as this might be an issue of
concern to you, considering the relationship that has deveoped between
you since the (aptly named) Inaugural Ball, I wanted to present it to
you as directly as possible under the circumstances. Lacking
television time (and perhaps the gumption, I admit) to spell it out in
my State of the Union Address, I have chosen this rather more
appropriate approach. I trust that Walter will forward it to you via
the Secret Service along with all the other nonsense he has
accumulated, and that after appropriate analysis and screening, they
will pass it on to you in my absence.
   I love you and miss you already.
							Sincerely,
							Bill

       *This Can't Be For Real!*
        by Peg Wagner
   In the past, I felt that many times our government was ignorant of
our lifestyles here in the West, but when a recent article, written by
the *Billings Gazette*, was brought to my attention, I didn't realize
just how bad it really is!
   According to the article, President Clinton learned there were
100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. Since Clinton was so upset with
ranchers' protests over his grazing policies, he told U.S. Secretary
of Interior Bruce Babbitt to fire half the cattle guards immediately!
Before Babbitt could proceed with the President's wishes, Colorado
representative Pat Schroeder intervened with a request that before any
were fired, they would be given six months of retraining.
   Yes, folks, what you have read is true. Hilarious, depending on how
you look at it. SCARY, definitely.
--October 26, 1994, Newcastle Reporter
   (Transcribers note - for all of you DC folks reading this, a cattle
guard is a bunch of parallel pipes that cattle will not cross because
they can't walk on pipes.)

   Bill Clinton has just had a major new policy decision that he
thinks is going to save America. So he goes to talk it over with
Senator Dole. Dole says, "Well Bill, the Republicans aren't to sure
about this, why do you go back to the White House and write a 20,000
word essay on your ideas, aims, etc. and If you give it to me by 8am
tomorrow, we'll think about it." So Bill goes back and does probably
that hardest nights work ever, he really put his heart and soul into
the paper and proudly handed it over to Bod, he told him to come back
the next day when the republicans would pass judgement. The next day
Bill again trudges in and Bob says, "Well Mr President, we were
impressed with the paper, but there were a couple of spelling
mistakes, so here's the deal, here's a dice, if you role 1 to 5 we
won't pass it."
   "But what if I get a 6?" Bill asks.
   And Bob replies, "You get to roll again".

   President Clinton ordered a cost saving program to the U.S. Army
commander. "Cut anywhere, but you must cut in any way possible."
   "OK," said the commander and looked around at some way to cut
spending.
   Perhaps if he could get rid of some old records, that may please
the President. So he went to the storage depot and discover that the
Army still had menus and supply orders of food from the Civil
War. Very pleased that he could show this worthless orders to the
President, he ask if he might distroy all the papers.
   "Why, yes," said Clinton. "But be sure to make two copies of each
before you do."

   Saw a cartoon in Reason Magazine, Richard Nixon sitting next to
Bill Clinton. Tricky Dick turns to Billy Jeff and say, "Slick
Willie. I like that."

   Bill and Hillary were discussing a problem with Chelsea listening
to Rush Limbaugh and keeping posters of Newt Gingrich in her room.
Hillary told Bill she thought Chelsea was searching for a stronger
Father figure. Bill said "Hey, what do you mean ? I've had Janet Reno
over for Dinner three times this week already!"

   The Clinton Administration released the results of a study they had
been conducting over the past 2 years. This study, costing the
American taxpayer $325,000,000.00 reveals that 3 out of 4 people make
up 75% of the population!!

   Reporter: Could you fill in the following sentence, "I believe I
should be re-elected as President because..."
   President: Ah believe Ah should be re-elected as president because,
Ah, Ah'm good at following instructions.

   Among the many talents of Bill Clinton, he is also an excellent
ladies golf instructor. He starts out with the irons and leads them
into the woods.

   Bill Clinton was carrying a live turkey down the street when a man
walks up and says, "Where did you get that Turkey?" The turkey
replied, "I don't know, he just picked me up."

   Seems that Hillary is having quite a fight with the White House
decorators. She insists the washer and dryer go on the front porch.

   Candidate Clinton was stumping for votes one day, and at the end of
his speech, he exhorted everyone to vote for him. "Not me" came a
voice from the back. "Why not?" asked Bill. "Because my father was a
Republican, and his father before him, and by God, I'm going to vote
Republican, too!"
   "That's no way to think", retorted Bill. "What if they were all
liars, adulterers, and drug addicts?" "Well then, I guess we would all
vote Democratic."

   A woman was married three times and was on her way to her fourth
honeymoon. She confided to her new husband that she was still a
virgin! "How can that be?" the husband asked incredulously. "Well, my
first husband turned out to be a homosexual so our marriage did not
last beyond the wedding night. My second husband had a disfiguring
accident. He did not tell me this until after the wedding. My third
husband was a Democrat who sat on the edge of the bed and told me how
wonderful it was going to be."

   From the Documentary, Feed. At a Clinton campaign rally, a
supporter approached the governor and said, "You're pro-choice,
right?" Clinton responded proudly, "Yes, I am.". The young man then
asked with a straight face, "How many abortions are you personally
responsible for?" Clinton was taken aback and said, "none", "zero"
with a circular hand gesture and walked away. The young man concluded
that Clinton was a good sport as he was only joking with him.

   Bill Clinton visited an Indian reservation during the campaign to
address the tribe. "If elected", Clinton declared, "I will insure the
rights of all native Americans." "Kowabonga", the Indians in the crowd
murmured. "If elected", Clinton said, "I will work for self-rule on
all reservations."
   "Kowabonga!", more Indians call out. "If elected", Clinton
asserted, "I will guarantee the Native Americans welfare and no taxes
for all time."
   "KOWABONGA! KOWABONGA", the tribe chanted as one. As the chief was
escorting Clinton to his limo, Clinton says, "I thought that went
rather well, didn't you?" The chief grabs Clinton's arm. "Careful",
the chief says. "You almost stepped in a big pile of kowabonga,"

   President Clinton offered General Raoul Cedras a cash bonus to
leave Haiti, or face an invasion by the US Armed Forces.
   General Cedras replied: "No Tanks!"

   After 30 hours of meetings, Colin Powell said, "Last chance. If
you don't step down now, Jimmy Carter will start talking again."

   Yessiree, Bill Clinton's already preparing for life after the
presidency!
   I understand that in his upcoming State of the Union Address he
will propose increasing in the minimum wage.

   I think the Clinton administration could take a lesson from the
subsidies we pay farmers not to grow things. The Department of Wolves
(a new Cabinet-level deparment soon to be added by President Clinton)
could pay hunters $500 **not** to kill wolves.
   "Heck, George, today was kinda bad. I only didn't kill ten wolves
today. But yesterday was real good--I didn't kill 20 of 'em
yesterday."

   Why did the Secret Service double security on Hillary Clinton
immediately after the inauguration? If something happens to her, then
Bill will become president.

   What will be the two major changes in the military under Bill
Clinton? Rear admiral will have a new meaning and he will form a new
special forces unit called the Pink Berets. Their motto: "We never
leave our buddies behind!"

   Bill Clinton was just finishing a roll in the hay with his latest
floozy who asked him, "Well, do you want the good news or the bad
news?" Bill replied, "I'll take the good news." "Well", she said,
you're MUCH better than Magic Johnson!"

   On his death bed, Bill Clinton had one last wish. "Change me into a
conservative", he pleaded to Surgeon General Elders. "Why?", Joycelyn
gasped in shock. "Because it is better that one of them dies rather
than a liberal."

   In the future, we will be able to harvest brain proteins to enhance
our intelligence. The following is a scene from a brain store:
Man in store: "How much are the Republican brains?"
Shopkeeper: "$50 per pound and they are the most popular!"
Man: "How come the Democratic brains are marked $1000 an ounce?"
Shopkeeper: "Do you know how many Democrats have to be slaughtered to
get an ounce of brains?"

   This guy dies and he's looking in the gates of hell and he sees
John Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl. The guy turns to the Devil
and asks why John Kennedy is with this hideous looking person. The
Devil replies, "Well, Jack has done some bad things in his life and
that's his punishment." The guy looks around a little more and sees
Bill Clinton with Bo Derek. The stunned guy asks "What's Bill Clinton
doing with Bo Derek?" God replied, "Well, Bo did some pretty bad
things in her life."

   A man walks into an antique shop and asked, "How much for that
brass rat?"  The store owner replied, "The rat is free but the story
that goes with it is $100." The man said, "Forget the $100, just give
me the brass rat." When the man left the store, he noticed a rat
following him. The man sped up his pace and the rat continued to
follow. Trying to lose the rat, the man turned and ran across a
bridge. The rat was close behind so the man tossed the brass rat into
the river. The rat jumped after the brass rat and drowned.
   The man rushed back to the antique store where the owner said, "I
bet you want to buy the story that goes with the brass rat." The man
replied, "No, but do you have a brass Clinton?"

   In Vancouver, a Yeltsin aide ran up and said, "Mr. Yeltsin, they
are ruining the country! The hard-line communists are increasing the
pressure and the government is installing socialism!" Boris replied,
"Yes, I know. However, I absolutely refuse to meddle in the affairs of
the United States."

   A man is hitch hiking prior to the election; a car slows and the
driver asks "Who are you voting for this November?" The hitchhiker
replies "Bush", and the car speeds off. It's a very hot day, with very
few cars passing. The hitchhiker feels it's time for more pragmatic
politics. Another car slows, this time driven by a very attractive
young woman. She asks, "Who are you voting for come November?" The
hitchhiker replies "Clinton" -- the young woman says "get in". After
some time, as they drive along, the woman begins loosening her
clothing, and making all sort of invitations. The hitchhiker gets very
nervous. The woman notices his nervousness and asks what is the
matter. The hitchhiker replies "Well, I've got a confession to make:
I've only been a Democrat for 20 minutes and already I feel like
screwing somebody."

   Bill Clinton was playing golf with a stranger when Bill asked him
what he did for a living. "I'm a hit man", replied the stranger. Just
then, Bill looks up through a house window and sees a naked Hillary
facing a naked man. "How much do you want for killing my wife?" an
enraged Bill asks. "$100,000", replied the stranger. "How much more to
shoot the reproductive organs off the man?"
      "Another $100,000", replied the stranger. Bill gives his approval
to the operation. As the stranger peered through the rifle scope,
Bill said "Hurry up". The stranger replied, "If you just wait a
minute, I'll save you $100,000!"

   ODE TO STEPHANOPOULOUS- His final press conference response when
asked how many Clinton staffers it takes to screw in a light bulb:
   "What light bulb? We'll get back to you as soon as we are given
official word. We are not at liberty to say. However, no public money
will be used; and we are sure that it will be an energy-efficient
type, packaged in recycled paper, purchased from a minority- owned
store. We are committed to get the light bulb screwed in at some time
in the future. Who leaked this to you?"

   Before his infamous haircut on the tarmac, Clinton asked his
stylist Christophe, "How long will this take, how much will it cost,
and how good will this look?" Christophe replied just ten minutes,
cost $20, and look marvelous. An hour and fifteen minutes later,
Clinton looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed him a
bill for $200. Clinton gasped, "You took too long, it doesn't look
that great, and it is costing me ten times more than you said!"
Christophe replied, "That makes us even."

   On a health care tour, Hillary was taken to a hospital room and saw
an elderly man masturbating in bed. When asked what was going on, she
was told the man had a strange disease where ejaculation is the only
relief for the symptoms. In the next room, Hillary was shocked to see
a man receiving oral sex from a nurse. "What's this?", she
barked. "Same disease, but he has health insurance", replied the
guide.

   At a party, a man began to tell a Clinton joke. A youngster
overheard the conversation and said, "Hey! I work in the White House."
"Oh", replied the joke teller, "Then I'll tell it very slowly."

   Bill was driving in the mountains when he went too fast around the
curve and found his car teetering on the edge of a sheer drop. The
president was thrown through the windshield and was balanced
precariously on the hood of the car. He didn't dare breathe lest the
car become unbalanced and crash to the rocks below.
   A few minutes later, an average American voter came along in a
pickup truck with a long rope in the back. Bill hoarsely whispered,
"Help me, help me.
   The car may go at any moment and I'll die if you don't help."
   The voter said, "What?"
   Bill said, "If I move, both me and the car are going over the
cliff. I need you to either throw me the rope and pull me to safety,
or sit on the back bumper of the car so I can crawl off of here." The
voter did neither and a gust of wind came and blew the car over the
cliff.
   Another voter happened by and heard the end of the exchange between
the two men. "Why didn't you save him? Didn't you hear him?" The voter
with the rope replied, "Yeah, I heard him. But you know how he
lies..."

   During the recent papal visit, Clinton requested that the Pope hear
his confession. The Pope raised his eyebrow and said, "You know Bill,
I only have a couple of days here."

   Bill was complaining to Hillary about cutting the White House
staff. "If you would learn to iron, we could do without the ironing
lady." Hillary replied, "If you learned how to make love, we could do
without the gardener!"

   We obtained the following note from Clinton's top-secret medical
records: "The patient complained of pain everywhere he touched. When
asked to demonstrate, the patient pointed to his elbow, neck, nose,
and leg wincing with pain at each touch. Mr. Clinton was diagnosed as
having a broken finger."

   The good news was that Bill Clinton arrived to throw out the first
pitch. The bad news is that Les Aspin showed up and closed 3 of the
bases.

   Al and Bill were discussing pre-marital sex. Al asked Bill, "I
never slept with my wife before we were married, did you?"  Bill
replied, "I'm not sure, what was Tipper's maiden name?"

   In a meeting with the Pope, Clinton was arguing his pro-abortion
stance. Clinton finally asked the unwavering Pope, "Your holiness,
you mean to tell me you can see no possible reason in the world where
abortion is the right choice?" he Pope thought for a second and said,
"Yeah, maybe one, but it's about 46 years too late."

   President Clinton was visiting the US Military Academy at West
Point and wound up in the stable to inspect their mascot, the Army
Mule. Being TOTALLY ignorant of military tradition, he asked the
commandant why the Army still kept mules. The commandant briefed the
president about the tradition of the Army Mule. Historically, it was
used for hauling heavy artillery through muddy fields without
consuming oil or gasoline. In a desperate situation, it could always
be used for food. The commandant, realizing he was addressing a renown
skirt-chaser, added an aside: "Also, sir, in the old days, when the
officers got horny out on maneuvers, they'd always have the mule to
use."
   This thought intrigued the president and he gave a little grin, but
continued with the inspection.
   A year later, the president was called upon to inspect West Point
again and remembered only the story of the mule. After the inspection
was over, Clinton ordered the Sergeant-Major to "Saddle up that mule!"
The commander-in-chief then hopped up on the mule and galloped off
into the woods, leaving everyone flabbergasted.
   By the time the Secret Service, the commandant, and the
Sergeant-Major had saddled up their horses, ridden out, and caught up
with the president, they found him naked in a thicket with his
distinguishing characteristics exposed, and the mule grazing nearby.
   "My God, Mr. President, what happened?" exclaimed the
commandant. "Well, after last night with Hillary, I thought I might
give it a try, what you said last year about horny soldiers using the
mule," the president responded, "but the mule didn't like it very
much."
   "Sir," the Sergeant-Major explained, "the soldiers used to use the
mule to ride into town!"

Book Deals The Democrats Are Working On
   The Eye Brows Have It by Jim Wright. Discusses how people with
bushy eye brows (Wright and Breznev) almost ruled the world.
   Real Estate, Cows, and Doctors: How to Grow Rich and Powerful in
the Future by Hillary Rodham.
   Bill and Ted's Excellent After Hours Adventures by Bill Clinton and
Ted Kennedy. From Senate Sleep overs to Water Sports, Bill and Ted
show you a side of Washington's night life you've never seen before.
   A Mouthful of Washington by Barney Frank.
   How the West and South Were Lost by David Wilhelm. DNC strategists
mull over their stunning defeat outside the Northeast liberal
corridor.
   The Longest Day by David Bonior. Bonior recounts his battle plans
for destroying the Republican Contract on it's opening day.
   Dead On Arrival by George Mitchell. Talks about the Bush budgets.
   The Invisible Man by Bill Clinton. The president ponders his
irrelevance over the next two years.

   President Clinton recently hosted Boys' Nation. Its 100 high school
boys who want to be just like Mr. Clinton. Just in case this was
true, the Secret Service doubled Chelsea's bodyguard.
   Shortly afterward, Hillary hosted Girls' Nation. The Secret Service
doubled Chelsea's bodyguard again.

It's 2:00 am, and Mr. Clinton arrives home late!
Hillary: Damn it Bill, where have you been?!
Bill: Out in the White House garden fertilizing my Flowers.

   The doctor gave Hillary (Clinton) the news, "You're pregnant!"
   Hillary (Clinton) called Bill (Clinton) on the phone, gave him the
news, and screamed, "Why weren't you using a condom?"
   Bill (Clinton) replied, "I ALWAYS use a condom! ... Who is this,
anyway?"
  
   Bill and Hillery are standing on top of a 30 story burning
building. Because of the hight of the building laders are unable to
reach the first couple on the top of the building. The firefighters
get out their net and yell to the Clintons they they will have to jump
if they are to be saved. Hillery, the ballsier of the two, pushes
Bill aside telling him "I must jump first." Bill gawks and asks why.
Hillery explains that if he jumps first and she dies in the flames
that it will be impossible for him to run the country without her
help. Bill, seeing the wisdom of this, agrees. So, with a smile of
triumph, Hillery throws herself over the edge to the awaiting net
below. About the time she reaches the fifth floor on her way to the
bottom the firemen pull the net away. Hillery, screaming, crashes to
her death on the pavement.
   The Firemen, smiling proudly to one another, yell up to Bill "Come
on Mr. President, jump we will catch you in the net."
   Bill, feeling throughly impressed with his own intelligence, yells
to the Firefighters "No way! I saw what you guys did to Hillery. Put
the net DOWN, then I'll jump!"

   Bill Clinton has introduced a bill giving midgets "Handicap"
status. With this handicap status midgets are eligible for government
housing. The governments new project is called "Stay-free
Mini-pads"!!!

   The number of presidential aids required to change a light bulb
depends on the president.
   Nixon: Only one to change the light bulb but five to go out in the
middle of the night and steal the light bulb. Then nine to lie and
cover up for the five who got caught stealing the light bulb.
   Ford: Three to select the study committee, nine to sit on the study
committee, five to review the study committee's report, one to shelve
the report.
   Carter: The president went out himself and purchased a dozen bulbs
at a discount, then he changed the bulb himself. Then it took three to
write the press release, two to apologize for violating union rules,
and five union electricians to put back the old burned out bulb.
   Reagan: One to shoot out the old burned out bulb with a 45. Then a
carpenter a plasterer and an electrician to replace the fixture.
   Bush: Twenty five to smuggle cocaine from Colombia and divert the
profits to light bulb purchase. Three to launder the excess funds. Two
to explain that the president was out of the loop.
   Clinton: One to give the president a blow job while he changes the
light bulb.

   There were 3 high school-aged boys walking down the street in
Washington.  Suddenly, they see Bill Clinton go jogging by, and he's
about to be hit by a car.  So, they pull Bill out of the way and save
his life.  Bill says "Thank you for saving my life.  I'll grant each
of you one wish."
   The first boy says, "I want to go to Georgetown."
   Bill pulls some strings and gets the boy admitted.
   The second boy says "I want to get into West Point, but it normally
requires a Congressional appointment".
   So Bill calls up his Democratic friends in Congress and gets the
boy his appointment.
   The third boy says "I want to be buried in Arlington National
Cemetery."
   Bill says "That's an odd request for a 17-year old!"
   The boy says "Yeah, but when my father finds out I saved your life
he's gonna kill me!"
  --Thanks to Rush Limbaugh, apparently.

   WGST radio in Atlanta reported yesterday that the Clinton's cat
Socks arrived at the White House after being driven from Arkansas by a
friend.
   According to the reporter, "Socks ran around the room becoming
familiar with the new surroundings.  There was that one embarrassing
moment though when Socks, as cats will do, began scratching a post.
Unfortunately, it was Vice President Al Gore."

   After taking unofficial office, Hillary wants to have her middle
name used when news reports refer to her, Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Since she is quite assertive and is giving Mr. Bill and others advice
on many matters, maybe she should be called Hillary "Ram-rod 'em"
Clinton.

   So what if Bill did it with Jennifer or Gennifer or whatever her
name is?  A little playfulness doesn't seem to have affected John
F. Kennedy's standing as one of the great Presidents of our history.
   And in order to live up to his standard, if Clinton is elected, I
guess he'll have to fuck Madonna and get the CIA to stage her
"suicide".

   Four doctors, a German, a Frenchman, a Russian, and an American are
discussing state of the art medicine at an international doctors
convention.  The Frenchmen proclaims "Ah, medicine in France is so
advanced that we can put a liver in a man and have him back to work in
6 weeks."
   The German says "That's nothing.  In Germany we can put a lung in a
man and have him back to work in 4 weeks."
   The Russian says "You guys know nothing about medicine.  Surgery in
Russia is so advanced that we can take half a heart from one man, put
it in another, and have both out of bed and looking for work in 2
weeks."
   The American doctor just shakes his head.  "You are all so
backward.  We can take an ***hole out of Arkansas, put him in the
White House, and the very next day half the country will be looking
for work!"

======================================================
FROM NATIONAL REVIEW, February 15 1993, The Week, p.14
======================================================
   "Little noted by the press, vegetable-rights activists raided the
kitchen of the Willard Hotel in Washington, D.C., and liberated
several vegetables and fruits that were to be murdered and eaten by
PETA at its inauguration gala."

Besides, where's the Gore quote during the inauguration:
AG:	Who's that guy? (pointing to a bust of ...)
Guide:	That's President George Washington. (after he had said it about
a minute before)

   As I was walking out of the county recreation center today I
noticed a slide flash on a closed circuit TV display that announced:
	Animal Lover's Dance, 
	  at Hidden Pond
   Now I realize that Bill and Hillary are in the White House and
we're rid of a lot of those puritanical sexual hangups of the Bush
administration, but is this REALLY the sort of thing our tax dollars
should be sponsoring?

   Clinton told his wife: I am sick of politics and formal life.  Why
don't you take a break and relax? She asked.  He asked how?  She said
I've heard of this place in DC on a hill on the ocean, we can go there
as anonymous and be ourselves.  So they both disguised (sp?)
themselves; dressed up in normal cheap clothing, and drove a cheap car
to the location.  They got in a romantic-kissing-and-*** atmosphere,
the police shows up,
Police:  Give me some id young man; you are under arrest.
Bill  :  Why, I've never done anything like this before, forget
         about my id, PLEASE.
Police: I don't have to go thru this everyday, I know you've never 
        done it, but this bitch with you comes here everyday .

   In response to Janet Reno's challenge to reduce violence on TV (or
else...), CBS has come up with the following favorites of the Clinton
administration and family: BEVERLY HILLBILLIES 90210
   Com'n listen to the story 'bout a bunch of rich spoiled teenagers,
barely keep their clothes on.  This spinoff of the not-so-popular
movie is reportedly a favorite of Chelsea Clinton's.  This week Ellie
Mae has a lot of explaining to do when she invites Arsenio over to do
"the wild thing."  Jethro still has that nasty infection.  BUTTROAST,
BY GOLLY!
   United Nations Secretary General Butros Butros Ghali gives it all
up to open a butcher shop in Arkansas.  The specialty of the house,
you got it, butt roast.  Bill Clinton tunes in every week for the
combination of politics and damn good downhome food.  Even if he is a
furriner.  PICKET NOSES
   CBS changed the name of this show a couple years ago to get more
audience share.  This week, a group of homosexual (uh, gay) midget
(uh, short people) dyslexic agnostic insomniacs stay up all night
wondering if there is a DOG.  In a subplot, a group of renegade
Indians (uh, Native Americans) take over a public building and leave
the place a mess.  The two young officers finally have unprotected
sex...on the sherriff's desk.  In a subplot, a group of dikes (uh,
lesbians) midget dyslexic agnostic insomniacs stay up all night
wondering if there is a BITCH.  This show is reportedly a favorite of
Donna Shalala's.  Even if there are too many men in the cast.  PLAYING
WITH FIRE
   This new show, about a group of Amazons who take over a crumbling
bureaucracy and restore some order to it, is reportedly a favorite of
Janet Reno's.

   I overheard this remark in a discussion of how Clinton's recent
bumblings were similar to the previous Democratic presidency:
     "Welcome back Carter"
  (as in the TV show Welcome back Kotter for those too young to
remember, but then you were lucky enough not to remember Jimmy Carter,
too)

True story:
   In the Library of Congress' electronic card catalog, one can run a
search on pretty much any subject phrase. The results of one search in
particular were interesting:
Subject: Erotic Art
  See Art, Immoral
I guess the database hasn't been revised since Clinton assumed office...

Some net critic:
                     Steven Segal is ABOVE THE LAW!
                     Steven Segal is UNDER SIEGE!
                     Steven Segal is HARD TO KILL!
                     Steven Segal is ON DEADLY GROUND!
                     Steven Segal is UNABLE TO ACT!
Jawaid Bazyar, in a followup
Bill Clinton is ABOVE THE LAW!
Bill Clinton is UNDER SIEGE!
Bill Clinton is HARD TO KILL (politically)
Bill Clinton is ON DEADLY GROUND!
Unless he disproves all allegations, Bill Clinton will be UNABLE TO
       ACT!
Copyright (C) 1994 The Anti-Clinton Enterprises and Jawaid Bazyar

   After hearing how Hillary made $99,000.00 profit trading livestock
futures (on a $1,000 investment), I'm surprised no liberals have
figured out how to take advantage of this.
   Just give Hillary the whole GNP and let her invest it in livestock
futures.  Then use the profits to pay for the Clinton health care
plan.

   The Pope and President Clinton are sitting together on a plane.
The Pope says "Hey, want to hear a good President Clinton joke?"
   Clinton says "But I'm President Clinton!"
   The Pope replies, "Oh, that's ok.  I'll tell it slow."

]     When will Billie Jeff and the President offer the White
]House and their personal papers and effects be searched like "dem
]po niggas" in Chicago?
      I say we invoke the "zero tolerance" law and repossess
      the White House.

   I think Hillary Clinton's husband Bill (the "First President")
topped all "Quayleisms".  He said
	"Science will be the sole criteria in determining our
	environmental policy."
   (Of course, he meant to say "_Political_ science will be the sole
criterion.....), but that dickhead Ted Turner didn't direct his
sycophants to make an issue of it.

]]After having read the interview in USA WEEKEND it is difficult to
]]understand what her job really is.  It seems as though it is just a
]]means of expressing her own personal ideas about a variety of
]]subjects that she decides might be in some way related to the
]]"health" of our country. 
]]It would be nice to hear from some people in govt what the actual
]]"job" of the Surgeon General is. 
Bill Clinton wants his appointments "to look more like America."
Therefore, he needed somebody to represent the grossly stupid.

   In the New York Times of last Tuesday (10 January 95) the front
page carried the story about Hillary Clinton's problems projecting the
image she wanted.  (Where she admitted that she "...was 'naive and
dumb' about national politics...")  Inside (page B5 -- the Science
Times) was an article about the "rewards and drawbacks of being a
dominant female baboon."

   OK, I'm with you President Clinton, enough of this silliness with
the baseball strike.  Since baseball is our national pasttime, I think
there may an opportunity here to show the rest of the nation how your
policies work.  So here's what you can do:
1. Give all baseball players the new minimum wage of $5.05/hour.
2. Since the baseball owners are ultra-rich, levy a special 75%
   tax rate for all owners (in the name of a middle-class tax cut).
3. Give all baseball participants, players, owners, sportscasters,
   FREE government health care.
4. Play ball!
   And if no one goes for that, then send in Jimmy Carter..


Subject: William Jefferson Clinton School of Political Stuff

Mascot: The Waffle; if you don't like it, we'll change it.
Cheer: 2! 4! 6! 8!  We can sure equivicate!
Counciling: We feel your pain.
Prayer: Yes.  Well, not really.  Maybe.
Cafeteria: Pork Bellies, or your can send out for a Big Mac.
Clinic: Reproductive Health Services only due to lack of funding.
Violence: Watch out for falling planes and gunfire.
Sex Ed: Lend a hand; we all need to get in the groove and pull for our school.
International Studies: We are proud to have a guest teacher, J. Carter.
Sports: No target shooting, but plenty of jogging and Whitewater rafting.
Library: New display, "Advance for a Book: How Much is Too Much?"
Graduation: Two years and out.

From: Usenet Oracle [oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu]
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #645-09
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] Oh smokey one on High...
]  Why does Bill keep in denial, and weep about the
] nasty 1980's as money grubbers?
] BTW, lend me  a thousand for some cattle futures, Hillary is my trader.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} In fields with Flowers, Bill could sleep,
} Beside still Whitewater, Hillary did keep,
} Money and futures her passion for the take,
} For when Bill was at home, he could not stay awake.
}
} The eighties gave Bill an exciting life,
} He could play, and romp not fearing his wife,
} She, with the brains, a money grubber herself,
} Dragged poor Bill along to power and wealth.
}
} Of course he can't see the err of his ways,
} The past is obscured by an odd Purple Haze,
} He now seems confused as each charge is detailed,
} Difficult to believe that he never inhaled!

]" The President, Vice President and all civil Officers of the United
]States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction
]of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors."
]So what are you accusing Clinton of?  Please be specific.  As I said we
]haven't had a good flame war in a while and writing "He just sucks" might
]be guaranteed free speech but it is probably wouldn't stand up in court.  
Hmm....High Crimes and Misdemeanors, eh?  How about impersonating a leader?
Intent to defraud the American people?  Adultery (which I am sure was still
on the books in Arkansas at the time of his escapades)?

The White House
Office of the Press Secretary
-----------------------------------------------------------------
For Immediate Release                             April 19, 1993
                  STATEMENT OF PRESIDENT CLINTON
   I am deeply saddened by the loss of individual income tax
contributions in Waco today.  My thoughts and prayers are with the
families of David Koresh's victims. I too, know what it feels like to
be hiding from the federal government.
   The law enforcement agencies involved in the Waco siege recommended
the course of action pursued today.  The Attorney General informed me
of their analysis and judgment and recommended that we proceed with
today's action given the risks of maintaining the previous policy
indefinitely.  I still don't know what those risks are. I told the
Attorney General "Hell yeah, go with it!......Pass the bong, Chelsea."

The way the tax scheme will run in the next few years:
   1993: Anyone who earns more than $25,000 a year and is not working
for a federal, state, or local gov't agency is RICH and will be taxed
into poverty.
   1994: Anyone who earns more than $25,000 a year is RICH and will be
taxed into poverty.
   1995: Anyone who is not working for a federal, state, or local
gov't agency is RICH and will be taxed into poverty.
   1996: Anyone who earns is RICH and will be taxed into poverty.
("Clinton presidency" is a tasteless joke in itself.)

   How about that footage on the news yesterday of our new
Commander-in- Chief on the deck of the aircraft carrier (Teddy
Roosevelt?)..  After throwing one of his snappy salutes (he's *almost*
got that down), I half expected him to give the order, "Let's turn
this thing around.  We're taking 'er to the dump."  Or "Are there any
communists on board?  How'd you like to be in charge of a floor of the
Pentagon?"  Or "Those who voted for me, step forward.  The rest of you
are out of work."  Or "I want you to re-target those missiles from
Moscow to EIB headquarters."  Or "Admiral, tell me about your plans
for Gay Heritage Month..."


Come April 21, Many Americans will be seeing the following 1040EZ, Thanks to
 Bill Clinton:
Enter your salary from last year on line 1.     ..........line 1_____________
Please remit Line 1 for tax due.
Put all Comments/ Complaints in the box that follows:    -------
                                                         |     |
                                                         |     |
                                                         -------
Yes, I would like to give $1 for a re-elect the president fund...
		                                                      -------


               YOUR NEW OFFICIAL TAX FORM

1.    Enter your social security number:
          ___-__-____
2.    How much money did you make last year?
          ___________
3.    Send it in.
4.     How much money do you have in savings?
5.     Send that in, too.
6.    Please enter comments/complaints here:  [   ]
Jesse's addendum:
Oh, BTW, we'll be taking your pension fund too.
And we're taxing your company out of existence.  Please attach "YOUR NEW 
OFFICIAL WELFARE APPLICATION FORM".

Back to my Political Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page