Clinton Jokes
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--- SECTION: Lists (Top 10s and otherwise)
November 11, 1992:
Bill Clinton (President-Elect) was at the Arkansas War Veterans Memorial
Service today. THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS. A DRAFT DODGER "honoring" war veterans
with his presence?
Okay, okay. Let's just put this in perspective.
Bill Clinton at the Veterans' Day Memorial is like:
- Sinead O'Connor at Burger King
- Willie Horton outside prison
- Jerry Brown having Earth citizenship
- Gloria Steinem chasing men
- Madonna teaching chastity
- Jack Kervorkian doing CPR
- Earth First! running a logging company
- Fidel Castro joining Amnesty International
- The Sacramento Kings at the NBA Playoffs
- Dr. Spock giving corporal punishment
- David Duke in the NAACP
- Van Halen teaching classical music
- Molly Yard in a swimsuit
- Steve "Dennis Hall" Chaney actually *being* "pro-life"
Clinton's Favorite Movies
- "Rainforrest Gump"- Tom Hanks meets Jane Fonda and they go to South
America to stop overshrimping in the Brazilian outback.
- "Shalala and Louise"- A national bus tour to promote socialized medicine
degenerates into a city to city crime spree.
- "Star Humanitarian Mission"- Luke Skywalker goes out to promote truly
universal health care and discovers that his birth mother is actually Darth
Rodham.
- "The Hunt for Lavender October"- Thrills on the high seas as Jack Ryan
foils the Soviet plot to put gays on our submarines.
- "Bed Time for Bimbo"- Tonya Harding stars as Hillary Clinton in this
timeless classic.
- "True Lies"- Bill Clinton portrays himself as an empty suit who will do
or say anything to get elected to public office.
How many Clintonites does it take to change a functioning light bulb?
Eleven!
The first denies that light was ever promised to anyone.
The second claims that the bulb isn't glowing at all.
The third admits that the bulb does indeed glow, but not bright enough for
everyone.
The fourth claims credit for the glow.
The fifth tells us how lucky we are to have light.
The sixth recommends a light tax.
The seventh demands that the electric company reduce its outrageous profits.
The eighth recommends a filament tax.
The ninth to head the department of light bulb evaluation.
The tenth recommends changing back to candles in the name of the environment.
Finally, the eleventh to add Braille to the American educational curriculum.
Marion Barry Campaign Slogans:
- He'll put the Columbia back in the District of Columbia!
- He'll take the drugs off the street!
- He's a man of conviction.
- Only Barry can give out the kilo of the city.
- He deserves another crack at it!
Military Operations of the 1990's
- Liberation of Kuwait: Operation Desert Storm
- Bringing Noriega to justice: Operation Just Cause
- Nation building in Haiti: Operation Just Because
Have you heard about the new government bonds?
- The Stephanopoulos Bond never matures;
- The Gore Bond has no interest;
- The Clinton Bond has no principle.
Bill Clinton's Top 5 Reasons for Re-instating the Draft
-------------------------------------------------------
5. Every young man should have the same opportunity to dodge the draft
as I did.
4. Ted Kennedy said that draft is good, and cheaper than bottle beer.
3. For reasons of national security, we need a list of all 18 year
olds, and Cher's black book is not available.
2. It beats talking about Paula Jones.
And the number one reason:
1. I'm too old now, so what the hell!
This afternoon, shortly after President Clinton concluded a
conference to introduce "Father" Aristide to the press corps
(gosh, he LOOKS normal..), a fire was reported in the west
wing of the White House.
I started wondering what might cause such a fire in, this,
the nerve center of the civilized world. Here's the top ten
possible reasons I came up with:
10. Hillary baking cookies.
9. Chelsea playing with matches.
8. Haitian voodoo.
7. Clinton inhaling.
6. Leon Panetta "firing" women on the White House staff.
5. Visit from Marion Barry
4. Al Gore--spontaneous combustion.
3. Hillary getting rid of more Vince Foster papers.
2. Janet Reno demo of new FBI technology.
and the Number One Reason for the White House Fire:
1. Someone tossed a lighted butt on one of Aristides'
gasoline-soaked tires.
Paula Jones, the Arkansas employee who claims she was escorted by a
State Trooper to a hotel room where (then) Governor Bill Clinton
exposed himself to her, held a press conference in Washington this week.
She held up an envelope that contained "her sworn affadavit describing
certain characteristics" of his anatomy.
Here's what Our Sworn-Secret Sources tell us are the Top-Ten Possible
Distinguishing Characteristics described in that envelope:
10. He wasn't wearing briefs OR boxer shorts.
9. It was stamped "Inspected by the Arkansas Highway Patrol"
8. Two words, auxiliary hydraulics.
7. Looked like Michael Jackson's (AFTER the European operation).
6. Powder burns (from Vince Foster's gun)
5. Looked kinda like a trailer hitch without any chrome on it.
4. Had a tattoo, "Over 1 million served."
3. Bends waaaay to the left, like his politics.
2. Hammer-and-Sickle tattoo
and the Number One Possible Distinguishing Characteristic described
in Paula Jones' envelope:
1. wee willie
TOP TEN REASONS PRESIDENT CLINTON HELD UP LAX FOR
NEARLY ONE HOUR WHILE HE GOT A 200 DOLLAR HAIRCUT
=================================================
10) To celebrate his smashing victory on getting
his 16 billion Dollar Emergency Jobs Bill
passed through the Senate.
9) Wanted to look good for his dinner date with
Gennifer Flowers later that evening.
8) Felt he deserved it now that he's finally
earning as much money as Hillary.
7) Found out Rush Limbaugh bet Hillary, "your
husband's approval rating can't get any lower."
6) Felt he had solved so many important problems
facing the country in only 100 days that he
deserved it.
5) He looks like shit.
4) Heard Madonna was into prominent political
figures with "short stubby hair".
3) Thought he remembered promising Gennifer Flowers
that he would NOT cut his hair because she liked
it that way and he couldn't take a chance at
leaving a promise unbroken.
2) Has plenty of money now that kids from all over
the country are sending him their money for
'deficit reduction'.
And the number one reason why President Clinton held
up LAX International Airport for nearly one hour while
he got a 200 dollar haircut is...
1) He was in a hurry to get in a quick buzz before
the upcoming "Hair Growth and Body Cavity Tax"
which is desperately needed to pay for the new
National Health Care plan!
Slick Willie's Top Ten Tips for Telling Metamorphic Untruths
10. Make sure the media is on your side.
9. If people know you are a politician AND a lawyer (and your wife is
too), expectations will be low to begin with.
8. Don't get caught up in the past. Circumstances change and truth is
relative to your current objectives.
7. Avoid the big lie. Tell lots of little ones instead and switch
among them.
6. If you do get caught in a bald-faced lie, try passing off previous
promises as "unmet goals".
5. Two words: Bob Dole.
4. Couch promises in an incomprehensible conditional which your apologists
can reinterpret as circumstances require.
3. Take advantage of voters' cynicism by having your spokesman regularly
deny everything you say.
2. Don't put in writing what you can say, don't say what you can have
someone say for you, don't have someone say for you what they might
say on their own, don't let be said anything people might hope for
in the absence of anything said.
1. There is always room for one more.
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Ways Slick Willie Could Improve His Standing With Americans
10. Institute a national sales tax to pay for the socialization of
America's health care resources.
9. Declare war on Serbia. Reenact the draft.
8. Stimulate the economy with massive income transfers to Democratic
constituencies.
7. Appoint an unrepentant socialist like Mario Cuomo to the Supreme Court.
6. Focus like a laser beam on gays in the military.
5. Put Hillary in charge of the Ministry of Truth and move Stephanopoulos
over to socialized health care.
4. Balance the budget through confiscatory taxation.
3. Remind everyone, again, how despite the Democrats holding the
Presidency, the majority of seats in the House, and in the Senate,
the Republicans have still managed to block his tax-and-spend programs.
2. Go back to England and get a refresher course in European Socialism.
1. Resign, now!
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Excuses for Slick Willie's Record-Setting Disapproval Ratings
10. Middle-class Americans just don't understand his complex personality.
9. Secret Service instigated rumors which are totally untrue and, besides,
taken out of context.
8. Hillary Rodham Clinton.
7. Today's apathetic youth just don't appreciate the finer points of
socialist policy.
6. That conservative-biased media.
5. Unexpectedly high deficits which can only be cured by unpopular
Democratic tax and spend policies.
4. Unpopularity is a sign of leadership.
3. Greedy Reagan generation actually expects value for taxes.
2. Perot slipped his leash.
1. Those darned Top Ten lists!
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Signs That It's the Age of Aquarius on Pennsylvania Avenue
10. Men in uniform are persona non grata in the home of our Commander in
Chief.
9. Algore's enviro-mentalism will make the Clean Air Act look like an
industrial policy.
8. Higher taxes are once again the prescription for all that ails America.
7. Tax dodging is unpatriotic; draft dodging is a symbol of pride.
6. Beaded curtains hang from the Oval Office windows.
5. Socialism may be dead in the ex-Soviet Union but we are told to prepare
for the nationalization of our health care resources. (These people
must be inhaling something.)
4. Not quite free love but eating Flowers is considered healthy.
3. The feminazis have a President in the White House whether the rest of
us realize it or not.
2. Slick may be the first draft dodger to send American troops into
combat.
1. Slick may be unpopular with middle-class Americans, but he's a BIG HIT
on campus with the professorial class.
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Signs that Slick Willie is a Minority President
10. Has the support of academia and the media.
9. Consider's preelection campaign promises to be a minor annoyance.
8. Is among the last socialists in power. (Even the French have taken a
fresh look at their politics.)
7. Thinks three quarters of Americans are lawyers.
6. Actually believes raising raising taxes to pay for new spending programs
is an act of "leadership" as opposed to a political power grab.
5. Carefully strokes "that Perot fellow."
4. Thinks he's the Second Coming of Abraham Lincoln. (When does the Civil
War start, Bill?)
3. Thinks that most Americans are too stupid to care for themselves.
2. Well, he is a lawyer, after all.
1. The first President of the Vietnam War era. What a symbol of civic duty
he is.
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Russia's Top Ten Uses for a Billion Dollars of American Taxpayer Money
10. Modernize its aging fleet of Bear and Backfire bombers.
9. Buy more pork bellies from Arkansas.
8. Replace private capital which Russians are exporting to other countries
like the U.S.
7. Pay off past-due French and German loans which were extended to save
6. Down payment on a new set of political ideals.
5. Pay off the Kremlin's tab at the Liquor Barn.
4. New set of Ruble printing presses.
3. Pay down the mortgage on those new SLBM submarines.
2. Invest in Chinese stock market.
1. Postpone privatization one more year.
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Reasons Hillary and Chelsea Don't Like Men in Uniform
10. Reminds them that their side lost the Cold War.
9. They tell nasty draft dodger jokes behind Slick's back.
8. Hillary didn't become President, er First Lady, to have the military
running the White House.
7. Its a matter of principle, and they don't like to be reminded that
Bill doesn't have any.
6. They keep saluting and stuff. Its embarrassing.
5. Probably fantasize about killing people.
4. Everybody knows that only stupid people would allow themselves to be
drafted, much less to volunteer for the army.
3. They're just not in touch with their feminine side.
2. If they're so patriotic, how come they're not lawyers or something?
1. What could be more politically incorrect than being driven to private
school in a limousine by a black man in a white uniform?
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Comments Overheard in the Secret Service Lounge
10. "I heard it was a dresser drawer and it was twelve stitches, not eight."
9. "Is that my copy of Slick Times?"
8. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm getting sick and tired of taking
hits from dishes that were meant for The Man."
7. "I've got an idea. Why don't we all wear a uniform when we take her to
school?"
6. "Christ! That woman should seek some help."
5. "...so then he says, 'Just because we don't sleep together, doesn't
mean I have to sleep alone.'"
4. "I say we go on strike until we get hazard pay for White House duty."
3. "Can I have the Want Ads when your through?"
2. "Hey, what happened to our First Lady Voodoo Doll?"
1. "Well, we could always do it ourselves."
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top ten differences between Clinton and a piece of shit
10). Shit isn't a socialist.
9). Shit doesn't promise you a tax cut and then raise your taxes.
8). Shit will stick to the wall.
7). Shit knows the difference between itself and shinola.
6). Shit goes away when you flush it.
5). Shit knows it stinks.
4). Shit just lays (lies) there, Clinton lies everywhere.
3). Shit doesn't stink for four years.
2). Shit smells better each day.
1). Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
The Clinton Economic Stimulus Package of Our Legislature equals CESPOOL.
Top Ten Horrifying Secrets of the First Pet
10. Personally registered over a hundred fellow cats in his Little Rock
voting district.
9. Likes to kill small animals and leave them at Al Gore's feet during
White House meetings just to hear him scream like a woman.
8. Sold two days before the Clinton speech which sent stocks tumbling.
7. Prefers Bill to Hillary. (Hillary gets mean when she's drunk.)
6. Real name is Zox but changed to protect his KGB identity.
5. Taunts the White House guard dogs at night to watch them choke on their
leashes.
4. Used to hang out at Little Rock Women's Clinics looking for "scraps".
3. Hunts for fun, not food.
2. Prefers the nastier smelling cat foods to be mean to the Secret
Service taste testers.
1. That's not Billy BEER your drinking.
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Suggested Titles for the Slick Willie Presidential Biography
10. America Slipped Here: The Story of a President
9. The Last of the Socialists
8. Socialism with a Drooling Face: The Final Chapter
7. Dusk in America: The Self-Fullfillment of Declinism
6. Carternomics II: The Counter-Revolution
5. My Struggle
4. Trading Places: American Socialism vs. Chinese Capitalism
3. Mr. Rodham Goes to Washington
2. How to Win Elections and Impoverish People
1. Bushonomics II: Giving Higher Taxes One More Try
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Tricks You Can Play on the American Voter
10. Promise to cut taxes on the middle class, then raise them till every
American gets a nose bleed.
9. Let the wife push the socialized health care.
8. Run as a new, improved Democrat by keeping the usual special interest
groups well out of sight until after the election.
7. Promise to present a detailed plan, tomorrow. (As everybody knows,
tomorrow never comes.)
6. Always focus attention on a demand from your opponents of twice the
detail that you are willing to provide.
5. Use the media like a born-again disciple of Goebbles.
4. Run on the issues, not on character. Then discard your stand on the
issues with the excuse that "circumstances have changed."
3. Act as if you were the people's choice even if you win with a minority
of the vote.
2. Sow confusion in what genuine reporters still exist through creative,
metamorphic untruths.
1. Run on a theme of "change" then make sure nobody has any left after
in their pockets when your done.
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Signs that Perot is Unhappy with Slick Willie
10. Actually dared to question the increase in federal spending in Slick's
"deficit cutting" package.
9. More graphs, and its not even election time yet.
8. No longer addresses Slick as "Fellow Savior of the Welfare State."
7. Raised the taxes vs. spending cuts issue again just when Slick thought
he had killed that dangerous idea once and for all.
6. Withdrew his membership from the Clinton Cult of Personality.
5. Put "Impeach Slick Now" sticker on his limo.
4. Wants specifics from Slick. (Don't we all.)
3. Reminded voters, once again, why a majority of Americans didn't want
Slick to be President.
2. Bought subscriptions to "Slick Times" for all his friends.
1. Had the nerve to ask why our taxes are going up to pay for new spending
programs.
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Reasons that America Still Needs the Federal Government
10. The USSR may be gone, but now we have to save the Russians from
themselves lest they go the way of Yugoslavia.
9. Freedom is Slavery. The federal government has saved us from slavery.
8. The federal government is our very own Third World, an institution
to sop up excess capital that might otherwise be put to productive
use.
7. If it weren't for the federal government, who would prevent competition
between the states?
6. Mexican Neo-Tojo party is rapidly gaining support in Chihuahua.
5. Who else could we rely on to keep the Haitians out?
4. The Egyptians had their pyramids, the Chinese their wall, we have
a central government which spends more money each year than is earned
in all of Latin America. That's something of which to be proud.
3. Warmongering Canadians are increasing their cross-border raids into
Montana and shelling of villages in Minnesota.
2. The city of Washington DC is a beacon on the American hill, a shining
example of the great things that paternal government can achieve.
1. Socialism may be dead, but the welfare state lingers on!
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Signs that the Secret Service are Not Taking their Job Seriously
10. Several instances of practical jokers switching blanks for standard
ammo.
9. Strong preference for short numbers in Secret Service betting pool.
8. Smoking pot, but not inhaling, prior to assignments.
7. Pasted "Shoot me" message on Slick's back before recent luncheon.
6. New policy: if shots are heard, its every man for himself.
5. Several agents reported to be buddying up to Al Gore.
4. New sunglasses have 3-D nude pictures of Jennifer attached to inside.
3. New Secret Service target silhouettes strikingly similar to Hillary's
profile.
2. Crusty for President stickers seen on Secret Service vehicles.
1. Head of Secret Service keeps urging Clinton to visit Dallas.
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Explanations for Increased Spending in a Deficit Cutting Package
10. Spending has to be increased to offset the recessionary effect of
Slick Willie's new taxes to lower the deficit.
9. Its the new math. When you cut the budget, spending increases but by
a lesser amount than if there were no new taxes. (Huh?!)
8. When Slick said he wanted to target the deficit, what he meant was the
shortage of funds for his new spending programs.
7. Its not fair. George Bush got to go on a spending spree.
6. New spending is needed to revive the economy after Bush's new taxes.
5. What? Isn't that what Perot said to do?
4. But just think how much the Democrats would be spending if they weren't
"cutting" the budget.
3. Sacrifice is for the little people.
2. Well, its all relative, you see...
1. Its not increased spending. If the government does it, its increased
"investing!"
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Reasons Slick Willie Flip-Flopped on Haitian Refugees
10. Ted Kennedy wants to make room for more Irish immigrants.
9. Haitians don't know how to drive so they won't be automatically
registered to vote when they come to the US.
8. When on the campaign trail, Willie though they were talking about
Croatian refugees.
7. Back-room political pressure from the Coast Guard which was afraid
of being hit by budget cuts.
6. Four words: Washington DC public schools.
5. Decided he couldn't stand their funny accent.
4. Found out that they were BLACK blacks, not the light brown ones like
on the Cosby Show.
3. Secret agreement with Aristede for a share of revenues from smuggling
Haitians into the US.
2. UAW threatened to support Kemp in '96.
1. New human rights policy: let them eat cake!
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Advantages of a Cabinet Full of Millionaire Lawyers
10. If anybody knows how to create loopholes for the politically correct
rich, these people do.
9. With a cabinet full of lawyers, can offer the Attorney General
position as a political payoff to the special interest groups.
8. No other country would dare sue the US in the World Court, now.
7. The Christic Institute and such ilk are out of business.
6. Slick Willie could not be better prepared for the imposition of a wave
of new laws and regulations that will make Bush look like a Republican.
5. With a lawyer President and a lawyer First Citizen, there'll be no
miscommunications in the White House: everybody thinks alike.
4. Two words: Special Prosecutor.
3. Perfect expertise for Clinton economic plan of creating wealth through
massive income transfers.
2. Sets the agenda straight. When Slick Willie said he wanted a cabinet
that looked like America, he meant that America needed more millionaire
lawyers.
1. Uphold the Constitution? They define the Constitution!
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Characteristics of the New, Improved Democrats
10. Only raise taxes after promising not to.
9. Labor and the working class out, lawyers and the ruling class in.
8. Deficit spending is no longer good but deficit "investing" still is.
7. Prop up a naive Southern boy from Arkansas instead of a naive Southern
boy from Georgia.
6. The first Democratic administration since FDR to succeed an unrepentant
tax-and-spend Republican. Too bad there's no depression (yet).
5. In a world without communists, no longer the party of "moderation".
4. New strategy to create jobs by raising labor costs and subsidizing
capital investment.
3. New theme of tax-and-invest to replace old theme of tax-and-spend.
2. Pandering to the Reds in Russia is out, propping up their collapsing
government is in.
1. May well end up the last socialist government in power.
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Duties of the Proposed Clinton Youth
10. Instill wholesome socialist values in our selfish, apolitical American
youth.
9. Reduce unemployment numbers by diverting graduates into public service.
8. Teach the young about the Power of Big Government.
7. Protect the impressionable minds of less enlightened students from
subversive ideas by heckling politically incorrect speakers at
university functions.
6. Reverse disturbing demographic trends among the new generation.
5. Break the inter-generational transfer of assets by taxing parents to
subsidize higher education.
4. Recreate the 60's generation through careful, deliberate design.
3. Populate Democratic party functions with some young faces.
2. Compensate for the lack of children among the politically correct.
1. Serve as the shock troops for the final assault on the American free
enterprise system.
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Al Gore's Top Ten Tips for Saving the Environment
10. Channel ozone from L.A. smog to Antarctica.
9. Require all cars to run on electricity. Power plants too.
8. Cull the human population. Start with Republicans.
7. Shut down third world heavy industry. Let them raise goat herds.
6. Teach your pets not to kill birds and other cute animals.
5. Watch Captain Planet and collect all his trading cards.
4. Outlaw garbage.
3. Recycle humans like in "Soylant Green." (Dovetails nicely with
Hillary's health care reforms.)
2. Raze suburban America, plant daisies and alfalfa sprouts.
1. Light candles, hold hands, vote Democratic.
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Reasons American Taxpayers Should Subsidize the Russian Government
10. The federal government has more money than it knows what to do with.
9. If we don't help them now, they might actually have to embark on a
free-market, privatization program like their eastern European comrades
instead of just begging for foreign aid like other third world countries.
8. People may be starving in Africa, but there are white people in Russia
who are having to go without Japanese consumer goods.
7. We have to help Yeltsin keep his campaign promise not to raise taxes
on the Russian middle-class.
6. The Russian government needs to buy new printing presses to keep up
with demand for new Rubles.
5. We bought Alaska from the Russians for peanuts, just think how cheap
we could get Siberia.
4. Slick Willie will jump at any excuse to raise taxes on Americans.
3. Tricky Dicky said so.
2. We have to help the Russians break free of the shackles of oppressive
government by propping up their oppressive government. Someday, they may
return the "favor".
1. Its a Democrat's wet dream: 300 million new additions to the federal
welfare rolls.
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Hillary's Top Ten List of Proposed Health Care Reforms
10. Limit emergency health care operations to every other Monday.
9. Don't allow foreigners to travel to America for health care to
dodge health care reforms in their own country.
8. Euthanasia for hypochondriacs.
7. Federally mandated uniform diet for all American families to be
enforced by the Department of Politically Correct Nutrition.
6. Raise tax on over-the-counter drugs to discourage wasteful spending by
ignorant consumers.
5. Issue health care rationing coupons through the Postal Service (which
is guaranteed to lose half of them).
4. Death penalty for contracting cancer or AIDS.
3. Require proof of DLC membership for elective surgery.
2. Voluntary life termination centers like in "Soylent Green."
1. Ban expensive surgery, require faith healing instead.
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Comments Overheard at the Clinton-Mitterand Summit
10. "Bill, we socialists have got to hang together or we'll surely hang
separately."
9. "Then Hillary says: 'Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.'"
8. "Well, actually, I haven't quite gotten away with it yet but with
Dole leading the Republicans, who's to stop me?"
7. "The United States needs to loan money to the Russian government.
Otherwise, they won't be able to pay back the money we loaned them."
6. "To be honest, Frank, the Republicans pretty much did it to
themselves but who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth."
5. "So, how are things going with Jennifer these days?"
4. "I wish I had a cabinet full of lawyers."
3. "Do you think you'll have a place for me in your new cabinet? I might
be looking for a job soon."
2. "We've got to make the world safe for bureaucracy, I always say."
1. "Well, come visit us when you have some time off, say, in 1996."
Top Ten Reasons Slick Willie is Skeptical about the Current Economic Recovery
10. It started in March of 1991, long before Slick became President.
9. One false move, and Slick will be credited with killing the recovery.
8. It makes Slick look like a passenger on a train.
7. Its a Republican ploy; the downturn is timed to hit in 1993.
6. The declining unemployment rate is an embarrassment for a President who
claims to be the savior of the unemployed.
5. You can't have a new New Deal without a depression.
4. Every time Slick proposes to "fix" the economy, stocks plunge.
3. As the economy is only now recovering from Bush's huge tax increase to
reduce the deficit, which only increased the deficit, people are
beginning to ask tough questions about Clinton's tax agenda.
2. They're still having a recession in the People's Republic of California.
1. Its damn hard to sell Democratic snake oil in a Republican recovery!
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
TOP TEN REASONS WHY BILL CLINTON DODGED THE DRAFT
10. He wanted to hang out with his friend Dan Quayle.
9. He was allergic to Vietnamese food.
8. He thought 'gook' meant the stains on Gennifer Flowers' panties.
7. He wanted to do one better than Gary Hart.
6. He had his weekly appointment with a hooker that day.
5. He needed some good scandals for when he ran for presidency. Soon
we'll be hearing about how he smoked marijuana with his brother.
4. He heard that no women were in the army, and he wasn't too into
Oriental chicks.
3. He was against the whore..Oops, I mean war.
2. When they said sign, he thought they meant a subscription to
Penthouse.
1. He had to weigh his priorities...mow down the Vietcong or mow down
Gennifer Flowers' lawn.
Popular(?) beginnings for Clinton's Inauguration Speech in 1993:
10. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."
9. "This speech has been sponsored by the Democratic Party -- we're not just a
bunch of losers anymore."
8. "Is this thing on?"
7. "Thank you, Larry King."
6. "What do you mean, Al, that it's acid rain?"
5. "I'd like to thank the Academy for this award ..."
4. "On the first day of my Presidency, my true love gave to me..."
[but we can do this for another humorous thread]
3. "I've given this speech to Chelsea every time she had trouble falling
asleep."
2. "Gennifer, will you stop sending Flowers to me?"
AND THE NUMBER ONE MOST POPULAR BEGINNING FOR CLINTON'S INAUGURATION SPEECH:
1. "My fellow Americans, as well as you Republicans..."
Popular (?) endings for Clinton's Inauguration Speech in 1993:
10. "...Na-na-na-na. Na-na-na-na. Hey-hey-hey. Goodbye."
9. "...as long as we have the courage to change."
8. "...party at my place!"
7. "...and the patient said, 'No, that's my appendix.'" [Well, sorry that's
the punch line for a joke, but what's the use of telling you the joke now.]
6. "...I listened to the hot air in Washington, but I didn't inhale."
5. "...but I'm really [[[takes off his mask Jimmy Carter!"
4. "...and that address again for Hillary's cookie recipe is 1600 Pennsylvania
Avenue, Washington DC 20001."
3. "...and here's my OMB director, Ross Perot."
2. "...and I believe in a place called Hope."
AND THE NUMBER ONE MOST POPULAR ENDING FOR CLINTON'S INAUGURATION SPEECH:
1. "...Hell with this speech. Here's a little something I learned to play on
my sax when I was a little boy."
Subject: Clinton--the first 100 days
Well, its official. The President-Elect has his work cut out for him. Here's
the Top Ten Things we hear he'll be addressing in his first 100 days in
office:
10. Legislation to make the Chicken the US National Bird.
9. Close down Camp David and take over Dogpatch USA for weekend retreats.
8. Magic Johnson as Secretary of Basketball.
7. Ask Madonna to sing Happy Birthday when he turns 47.
6. Financial aid for all those starving, sick people in Iraq.
5. Sister Souljah on the Supreme Court.
4. Sic the FBI on Gennifer Flowers and shut her up once and for all.
3. Pardon himself in advance for any crimes he may commit while President.
2. Get himself a really neat uniform as Commander-in-Chief.
And the Number One Thing he'll do in the first 100 days:
1. Invite the Nation's new Drug Czar, Marion Barry, over to the White House
to show him how to inhale.
A Bill Clinton Survival Kit must include:
1. "Don't blame me, I voted for Bush" bumper stickers (for your bike).
2. "Hell no, we won't go!" signs for the next war.
3. Rush Limbaugh's No. 1 best-seller, "See, I Told You So!"
4. Madonna's No. 2 best-seller, "The Lincoln Bedroom Scrapbook" (featuring
"Slick" himself in a dog collar).
5. Jay Leno's No. 3 best-seller, "The Chelsea Clinton Jokebook" (e.g. "Why is
Bill Clinton pro-abortion?" "You'd be too, if you'd had Chelsea").
6. "Taxula: The Movie" on VHS.
7. A 51-star flag (with one black star in the middle for the People's
Republic of New Columbia).
8. The Official Clintonski Blackmailski Guide to KGB Files on War Protesters.
9. "Mace for Men," Gloria Steinem's new line of cologne.
10. Spotted owl repellent.
11. Inflatable money, with wheelbarrow.
12. Environmental impact statements for mowing your lawn (push mowers only).
13. Special issue of American Lawyer: "How Hillary won the East Wing, Rose
Garden, and Air Force One in divorce court."
14. A carton of "Billy Boy's Smokeless Joints," so you don't inhale.
15. A bottle of "Just For Liars" hair color, for a new look every 24 hours in
"Just Five Minutes."
16. "Super Mario on the Supreme Court" for your Nintendo.
17. "Abortion Reconsidered," by George Bush (number one reason: It'll keep
guys from single-parent homes like Clinton from becoming President).
18. "1,001 Arkansas Chicken Recipes," by Pat Crocker (Betty's new
neutral-gender name, P.C. for short).
19. Box of "Slick's Stealth Condoms," "They'll never see you coming!" (TM),
available in schools everywhere.
20. Sign for the homeless: "Why work for food? We've got Bill Clinton!"
The top 10 reasons to vote for Bill Clinton on November 3rd.
10. Better do-nothing-president than Bush or Perot.
9. Looks older and wiser by bleaching hair. Also, in order not to look like
Quayle's age.
8. Only joined all white golf country club for the free umbrellas in the
drinks.
7. First Elvis impersonator president.
6. Ambulance chasing wife would make a better looking First Lady.
5. The U.S. wont enter any more wars, so he wont have to dodge draft again.
(even though draft is illegal, now)
4. Good boy scout: helps old ladies cross the street even when they don't
want to.
3. Gore will replace Quayle as the country's back-up quarterback.
2. Eats his Wheaties everyday.
1. Read my lips, I never inhaled.
The Cabinet, as nominated by the enews populace,
Secretary of State
1) James Baker
2) Willie Brown
3) Robert Redford
4) Don Imus, he was the man that revived Bubba and gave him the run for
the White House
9) Willie Horton
11) Jesse Jackson - it's payoff time.
12) Hillary Rodham Clinton -- lives in a state, Arkansas
13) The Marine at the Blue Jays/Braves game
17) Captain James Kirk
Secretary of Defense:
1,2) Pat Schroeder
3) No need. The military will be disbanded.
4) Buddy Ryan, it would be funny to hear him call Clinton "That guy
from Arkansas" and Clinton would be guaranteed Pennsylvania in 1996.
6) Clark Clifford. HE has experience under LBJ. Former head of DNC. His
ethical standards are beyond reproach. So what if he's 80+ ?
9) Abbie Hoffman. So he's dead. So's the military.
11,12) "Hanoi" Jane Fonda
13) Magic Johnson
14) Defense is irrelevant.
17) * Refrigerator Perry
* Head of the NRA (give the man a home he can live in)
Secretary of the Treasury:
1) Tom Foley
2) The person who headed up the House Bank.
3) Robert Byrd
4) Michael Jordan, he's got lots of money and wouldn't it be nice to
see "In Nike we trust" on our money.
5,9) Charles Keating
11) The brilliant Democratic California Treasurer Woman who spoke on
"Ladies' night" at the democratic national convention. ("We can do
to the country what I did to California")
12) Hillary Rodham Clinton -- balances Bill's checkbook
13) Donald Trump
14) House of Representatives
17) * Michael Milken
* Leona Helmsley
Attorney General:
1) Ice-T (you know, "Cop Killer"?)
2) Lawyer who argued Miranda ruling
3) I don't care what anyone says, Hillary's got her name on this job.
4) Alan Dershowitz, to keep with the Kennedy perspective (Harvard people).
6) * Floyd Adams. Needs a job after loss to Al D'Amato.
* Laurence Tribe of Harvard Law School
9) William Kunstler (sp?)
11) The victim Anita Hill
12) Hillary Rodham -- has a successful law career.
17) Hunter S. Thompson
Secretary of the Interior:
1) Teddy Kennedy
2) President of Earth First
3) Paul Erhlich or Michael Oppenheimer
6) Barry Commoner
11) Jerry Brown - he's been out there too long.
12) Bob Vila -- will use the White House as "this old house" in '93.
17) Jay Rockefeller
Secretary of Health and Human Services:
1) * Earvin "Magic" Johnson
* Madonna
* Woody Allen
2) * Teddy "Pay or Play" Kennedy
* President of ACT-UP
3) Faye Wattleton of Planned Parenthood
4) Carol Moseley Braun: she knows how to work the loopholes of the
welfare system.
11) Has to be Teddy Kennedy
17) Jane Fonda (video position)
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
1) Martin Sheen, or some person from the homeless advocacy
2) Maxine Waters (D-CA)
3) Jesse Jackson
4) Spike Lee, only if they make Congress 75% black, and if he gets a
three picture deal for the Jesse Jackson Story.
11) Spike Lee - "don't burn the houses kids, there's a Demo-(lition)-Crat
in the White House now!!)
12) Buckminster Fuller
17) Rodney King, of course
Secretary of Labor
1) Eleanor Smeal or Patricia Ireland
2) Current President of AFL-CIO
3) No one will fill the job at first. It would be insensitive to have
an employed person fill a job representing most of the country, which
is out of work. Of course, once Clinton get the country going,
someone will be picked.
11) Some feminazi abortionist maniac
12) Hillary Rodham Clinton -- was once in labor
13) Jesse Jackson
17) Whoever the Japanese want, of course.
Secretary of Education
1) Larry King
2) Head of the NEA. More money for the educrats..oops, I mean for the
schools and our children!
3) Commissioner of NYC Public Schools
4) * Governor Mario Cuomo and [General] David Dinkins [where are you?],
so they can rewrite the history of the bad Republicans who didn't
enact liberal initiatives they proposed.
* Joe Biden: He will help to give the children of America the impetus
to plagiarize to the best of their abilities.
6) Donna Shalala. Current Wisconsin Chancellor. Queen of PC
11) The kid who spelled POTATO
12) Hillary Rodham Clinton -- has a college education
17) Murphy Brown
Secretary of Commerce
5) Ross Perot
6) Alan Cranston. Knows the ins and outs of banks.
11) The Chief Chicken Plucker of the Arkansas "industrial growth"
- " I promise a chicken in every kitchen"
12) Madonna
Chief of Staff
1) Hillary Clinton
2) Ron Brown
3) That depends on who donates the most this year. That's how he does
it in Arkansas.
9) Ted Kennedy
11) Paul Tsongas - I want to hear more of his voice on TV, since there
aren't any good new cartoons since Mel Blanc died
12) Hillary Rodham Clinton -- [tasteless joke involved here.
17) Leonard Peltier
National Security Advisor
1) Mikhail Gorbechev
2) Sam Nunn--if they decide he isn't too moderate.
3) Our only threats are the lack of education, health care, etc., so no
one need fill this.
4) Admiral Crowe. A political payback for his Bush bashing despite
serving for Reagan.
11) * Tom Foley, or
* Ross Perot - nothing would get by those [both men's] ears
14) National security is irrelevant.
17) Robert "tell me what you want to hear" Gates
Joint Chiefs of Staff (military)
1) Jane Fonda
2) How about the groups protesting the Gulf War?
3) Another unnecessary job.
11) Hillary and Bill, watch out for marital troubles
14) The military is irrelevant
17) * Corporal Klinger
* Gomer Pyle
* Oliver Stone (reflecting the "real" military).
* Goldie Hawn
Surgeon General
1) Roseanne Barr
2) Ralph Nader
4,9) Jack Kevorkian
11) That guy who isn't a doctor, but he plays one on TV
12) position to remain unfilled until Hillary Rodham Clinton obtains her
degrees (DMD,DDS,OB/GYN)
17) Dr. Benway (William Burroughs)
Director of the Office of Management and Budgeting
1) Ross Perot (those charts are handy for something)
2) John Kenneth Galbraith
11) Go Ross Perot, let's see how simple it is
17) Dr. Benway (William Burroughs)
Federal Reserve Board Chairman
1) Highest contributor to Clinton campaign
2) In the Clinton administration, you'd better say ChairPERSON...
11) I have a good idea, just let the Democratic congress handle all
facets of the economy. (*shiver just from the thought*)
17) Dan Quayle (this time it'll be a free choice, with no connections)
"Drug Czar"
1) * Jack Kevorkian
* Marion Barry
2) I don't know--but whoever it is will tolerate pot smoking as long as
the people don't inhale.
3) Timothy Leary (remember "tune in, turn on, and drop out?"). As all
liberals know, you can't comment on anything unless you've Experienced
it yourself, and Dr. Leary even inhaled.
9) Don't need one
11) Marion Barry - "I promise to get drugs off the street and into the
hotel room where they belong"
13) Bill Clinton's brother
17) Manny Noriega - he has experience, he's not a quitter, he's almost a
citizen, and he's not going anywhere.
Secretary of Transportation
4) Any head of the Big 3 presidents fired in the last 3 years.
6) Ted Kennedy: has knowledge of bridges
8) Hillary Rodham Clinton -- soon to have an airfield named after her
9) Timothy Leary
Secretary of Agriculture (Do we have one???)
10) Frank Perdue
(actually, this is just a sneaky way to get Ross Perot on the
Cabinet, as they're really the same person. You never see them
together, do you? And why do you think Perot hit so hard on the
Arkansas chicken industry?)
11) Manuel Noriega
14) Tom Brock(?), President of Food Lion
17) John Mellencamp
Director of National Transportation Safety Board
8) Ted Kennedy
17) Carl Lewis
Head of the AIDS Commission
4) Earvin "Magic" Johnson. Maybe he'll show up at a meeting this time.
17) Carl Lewis
Press Secretary
4) Larry King. We saw how well he got the Little General's campaign going.
6) Eleanor Clift
8) Hillary Rodham Clinton -- clothes always neatly pressed
9) Hunter S. Thompson
17) Robin Williams - good with kids too.
Director of White House Communications
6) Tipper Gore
8) We'll give this one to Chelsea Clinton -- teenagers, phones,... you
get the idea.
17) Steve Jobs.
Supreme Court appointees
1) Catherine McKinnon
Anita Hill
Judge Susan Hoerschner
4) Linda Bloodworth-Thomason (of "Murphy Brown" fame)
Hillary Clinton
17) Darryl Gates
Mario Puzo
Head of the Environmental Protection Agency
4) Anyone cited in Al "Ozone Man" Gore's extremist book.
17) Anita Hill
Director of the FCC
1) Howard Stern
6) 2 Live Crew
17) Tipper Gore
CIA Director
6) Phillip Agee. HE won't reveal our secrets to anyone.
13) Ron Dellums
17) Bill Bradley
Ambassador to China
1) Phil Donahue
7) Tom Bradley
9) Jane Fonda
11) Rev. Al Sharpton ( I know he has no qualifications, but hey, why look
at his past? The past means nothing )
13) Richard Gephardt
17) * Ex-ambassador to Iraq
* Admiral Stockdale
Ambassador to Mexico
13) Richard Gephardt
17) Fernando Valenzuela (could do for Mexico what Mohammed Ali did for
Africa).
Ambassador to Israel
1) Jesse Jackson
6) Gus Savage. Need I say more?
17) Frank Zappa. (He wrote their national anthem, didn't he?)
Ambassador to Russia and other former Soviet States
6) Lenora Fulani
9) Yakov Smirnoff
11) Mikhail Gorbechev
17) * Alexander Solzhenitsyn
* Mikhail Baryshnikov
* The Russian division of Sun Software
Ambassador to Spain
13) Clinton's cat Socks (you know, s-o-c-k-s?)
17) Russell Means?
Ambassador to the Vatican
1) Sinead O'Connor
14) Robert P. Casey, Governor of Pennsylvania
(anything to get this pest as far away from Washington, as humanly
possible, sayeth Clinton.)
Ambassador to United Nations
6) Ron Dellums
11) lover of peace - Jimmy Carter
17) * The head of Amnesty International
* Any of the Simi Valley jurors.
Ambassador to Japan
2) Lee Iacocca
Administrator of Health & Human Services
1) Bill Clinton's mom
11) Jack Kevorkian
12) Gennifer Flowers
Trade Representative
5) Ross Perot
11) George Steinbrenner - look out, there goes the West coast for an
island to be named later
13) Richard Gephardt
17) Ollie North
Executive Branch Ethics Advisor
1) Hugh Hefner
13) Jim Wright
17) Sen. Bob Packwood
Director of the Driver Safety Institute
16) Clinton's Mother, the lady with the "perfect" driving record.
And ... the "scapegoat"
1) George Bush. Let's beat a dead elephant over and over again.
9) Al Gore. What are vice-presidents for?
11) The only scapegoat for the next century will be that evil man
- Ronnie Reagan
14) * The media!!!!
* Socks the cat
17) Them.
Top 10 reasons why Bill and Hillary Clinton quickly went from ball to ball
last night:
10) They they were draft-dodger reunion parties.
9) Worried about what Chelsea's doing at the MTV ball.
8) Ran out of beer in the limo.
7) Because Hillary said so.
6) Just to show the world he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants to
now. (The "I'm president now" syndrome)
5) They actually wanted to stay at the Arkansas ball all night, but were
thrown out after the crowd heard Bill's saxophone playing.
4) Bill thought he was campaigning again.
3) Because Hillary kept spotting Gennifer Flowers every crowd.
2) Only a 3-drink limit at each ball.
1) Bill didn't want to inhale in public.
Top Ten Signs The Presidential Honeymoon Is Over -- 1/22/93
10. Israelis and Arabs agree -- he's fat.
9. Two words -- Zoe Baird.
8. French President Mitterand refers to him as "Le Bonehead."
7. His mom keeps asking him why he can't be more like his brother Roger.
6. No longer a cinch to nail Barbara Streisand.
5. Japanese leader threw up in *his* lap.
4. Earlier today Leslie Stahl gave him the finger.
3. Dukakis won't return his calls.
2. When he has to go out in public secret service says, "You're on your own
Pedro."
1. Has to pump his own gas.
Top 10 signs Bill Clinton has gone mad with power
10. Ruled that Hawaii isn't really a state.
9. Has been asking staff members, "Do I get to be on the dollar bills and
stuff?"
8. Has promised that Amtrack will run on time.
7. Faxed photos of his head to Mt. Rushmore.
6. First cabinet appointment? Elle MacPherson.
5. In front of cheering crowd in Little Rock, bit off three of his own
fingers.
4. Ripped down Dan Quayle's drawings from the White House refrigerator.
3. Banished Ross Perot to a Mexican zoo.
2. Announced that on special days, _he_ will serve as the first lady.
1. Keeps calling this country "Clintonia".
Top 10 reasons Bill Clinton is losing his lead 10/29/92
[[Recent polls show Clinton's lead over Bush dropped from a double
digit lead to somewhere between 2% and 8%.]]
10. Ill-advised new campaign slogan, "Vote Bush".
9. Bad idea to tell Larry King, "I'm going to tax these pinheads until
they're drier than Death Valley."
8. Drank too much grape soda.
7. Voters turned off by his vision of a nation of hillbillies.
6. Bush's new campaign promise to neuter that guy in the Burger King
commercials.
5. Voters wonder how such a handsome man could possibly understand the
problems of ordinary people.
4. Promised to hit home run for sick child, grounded weakly to short.
3. People seem to have realized he's kind of a load.
2. More and more people like the idea of a tiny insane billionaire running
things.
1. Stockdalemania!
Top 10 List of America's Reactions To Clinton's Administration:
---------------------------------------------------------------
10. Wondering if Labor Secretary Robert Reich was a munchkin in the "Wizard
of Oz".
9. Saw Bill and Barbara Streisand together, and quickly were reminded of "The
Way We Were".
8. Reminds them of a poor "R" rated movie: Too much sex and too much Gore.
7. Re-named their dogs "Shalala".
6. Burned their Fleetwood Mac & Michael Jackson albums.
5. Scared that Bill would turn West Hollywood into a military base.
4. Scared that Bill will sign executive order naming Jesse Jackson the new
Commissioner of Baseball.
3. Scared that Bill would appoint Charles Manson as Attorney General.
2. Just plain scared...
1. CAN'T WAIT TO VOTE FOR JACK KEMP IN'96!!
Top Ten Reasons America Needs Slick Willie's Economic Plan
10. The Clinton Boom, which began in March of 1991, is in danger of
sputtering out just as Clinton begins his term.
9. Nothing brings down long-term interest rates like an economic
recession.
8. If America doesn't cut its budget deficits, the welfare state will
be in trouble.
7. As every economist knows: governments invest, taxpayers spend.
6. What's the point of electing a Democratic President if you don't
get higher taxes.
5. America needs to catch up with Rumania.
4. Higher labor costs and subsidies for capital investment are just
the thing to solve America's unemployment problem.
3. It's a politician's solemn duty to break each and every campaign
promise he makes.
2. America hasn't had a serious round of new taxes since, oh, 1990.
1. You can't get public support for New Deal programs without a
depression.
Bill Clinton's Top Ten List of Pet Peeves
10. Those selfish, unpatriotic investors who keep betting against his
economic recovery plan.
9. The way the Democratic Congressmen grin and wink at him whenever
he proposes new spending cuts.
8. Reporters who go way overboard trying to prove they're not biased
by reminding him of his campaign promises.
7. A Cabinet full of lawyers.
6. All the old issues of National Review on Air Force One have the
anti-Bush stories cut out.
5. Having to sort his garbage whenever Al Gore is around.
4. That sinking feeling of deja vu he gets whenever he passes
the bust of Jimmy Carter in the White House.
3. Autographing photos for the "damn cat."
2. Hillary Rodham Clinton.
1. Unpatriotic taxpayers who don't appreciate how fun it is to raise
taxes again and again and again.
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Slick Willie Nicknames that DIDN'T Stick
10. Honest Bill.
9. Mr. Fidelity.
8. Private Clinton.
7. Bill, the One-Faced Politician.
6. Mr. Dependable. (Unfair! You can depend on him to raise taxes.)
5. William, the Budget Slayer.
4. Two-Term Bill.
3. John F. Klinton. (JFK CUT taxes.)
2. The Economy President.
1. The Truth-Meister.
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Slick Willie's Top Ten List of Patriotic Duties Nobody Ever Heard Of
10. It is your patriotic duty to suffer an ever rising tax burden.
9. It is your patriotic duty to turn in your parents if they cheat on
their taxes.
8. It is your patriotic duty to Believe in Government.
7. It is your patriotic duty to ask softball questions at press
conferences.
6. It is your patriotic duty to occupy Hillary at parties while Bill goes
off to "kiss babies."
5. It is your patriotic duty to contribute to Social Security even though
every fool knows it will be bankrupt before you retire.
4. It is your patriotic duty to avoid exhaling carbon dioxide fumes. (No,
wait, that's Al Gore's favorite patriotic duty.)
3. It is your patriotic duty to die young so as not to use our nation's
precious health-care resources.
2. It is your patriotic duty to leave maimed mice at the back door of
White House.
1. It is your patriotic duty to vote for Slick Willie in '96.
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Things Overheard at a Recent Cabinet Meeting
10. "Oh yes, Mr. President. Deep down Americans LOVE to pay taxes."
9. "What do investors know? Most of them are probably Republicans,
anyway."
8. "Mr. President, we're all lawyers. Of course we understand how
the economy works."
7. "Hillary, dear, that's my seat. Why don't you sit here beside me."
6. "Ms. Tyson. Aren't you the least bit concerned that these policies
bankrupted Rumania?"
5. "Dammit Al! Stop sorting through the trash. I'm using both sides of
the paper."
4. "So let me see if I've got The Plan straight. We tax the country
back into the Stone Age and then we offer a slate of New Deal
programs to revitalize the economy just like in the Depression?"
3. "Don't pay any attention to them, sir. Everybody knows that most
taxpayers are Republicans, anyway."
2. "Mr. President, its Boris on the line. He wants to know if you need
any Ruble-secured loans to fund your health-care reforms."
1. "Oh, well. Better to go down in history as a failed president than
a successful governor."
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Signs that Your President is a Lawyer
10. No problem is so great that it can't be solved by a few more volumes
of federal laws.
9. EVERY cabinet post is an Attorney General.
8. Rising rate of hate crimes against lawyers by roaming gangs of middle-
class taxpayers.
7. Theme to LA Law played by Marine Band when President arrives.
6. Whenever the president gives a speech the stock market drops.
5. But a record number of law firms are going public.
4. Skyrocketing cost of malpractice insurance for presidential political
advisors.
3. New US policy: if we rescue your country from the grip of an invading
military dictator, we get 1/3 off the top.
2. Every time the presidential motorcade passes an auto accident, the
President wants to stop and meet with the victims.
1. Graduate theme at law schools changed to "Happy days are here again."
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Slick Willie's New Taxes
10. We know how to spend your money: We're the government.
9. Hi, I'm Bill Clinton. And I'm going to make you an offer you can't
refuse.
8. Don't think of it as higher taxes, think of it as an investment in a
money-losing enterprise.
7. The Federal Government, where extortion is Job One.
6. Nothing says "I love my country" like higher taxes.
5. You were probably just going to stick it in a savings account, anyway.
4. By Arkansas standards, you ARE the rich!
3. Don't think of it as higher taxes, think of it as a lower standard of
living.
2. Higher taxes, because serious spending cuts are Icky, Yucky!
1. Hi, I'm Crrrrraaaaaazzzzzyyyyy Bill. And I want your Money!
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Slick Willie's Top Ten Euphemisms for Breaking Campaign Promises
10. Reevaluating preelection "goals".
9. Following precedent.
8. Responding to changing circumstances. (As in: now that he is president,
his circumstances have changed.)
7. Paying the (election) Bills.
6. Bringing the piggies to market.
5. Democratic aristocracy.
4. Educating voters.
3. Progressive leadership.
2. Harvesting the vote.
1. Doing the Slick Thing.
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Differences Between Hitler and Clinton
10. Hitler used drugs on prisoners.
Clinton used drugs.
9. Hitler had a socialized health care system.
Clinton's still working on it.
8. Hitler used environmental concerns to seize property.
Clinton is also using it to regulate the economy.
7. Hitler received more than half of the vote when elected.
Clinton didn't.
6. Hitler invaded France and installed a puppet government.
Clinton invaded Haiti and installed a Marxist tyrant.
5. Hitler admitted he had fought in his nation's military.
Clinton lied about committing crimes to avoid it.
4. Hitler slept with his mistress.
Clinton slept with his employees.
3. "The priveledged, wealthy Jewish race must pay..." -- Hitler
"The priveledged, wealthy white race must pay..." -- Clinton
2. Hitler got to power with the money of the wealthy he then
oppressed.
Clinton got to power with the money of the wealthy who
now control him.
1. "1935 will go down in history! For the first time, a
civilized nation has full gun registration!
Our streets will be safer, our police more
efficient and the world will follow our lead
into the future!" -- Adolph Hitler
"Our police are hampered by the lack of full gun
registration. We need to follow the lead
of other civilized nations in securing
our streets!" -- Bill Clinton
Top Ten Reasons Federal Spending Just Can't be Cut any Further
10. For politicians, a budget without new spending programs is like a day
without whisky.
9. Government waste and mismanagement is expensive.
8. It's the government's historical role to grow and grow until it
threatens civilization, itself. It's just tradition.
7. America needs a first-class welfare system to keep up with the USSR.
6. If we cut spending, how will we justify redistributive taxation?
5. Privatization? Isn't that a communist idea?
4. Socialism is the wave of the future. Haven't we been telling you that
for at least a century, now?
3. Cutting spending would increase unemployment among the politically
connected.
2. Canadian tank divisions on the North Dakota border are making some
farmers mighty nervous.
1. We're Democrats. We don't need no stinkin' spending cuts.
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten List of Things You'll Never Hear from This Administration
10. "No thank you, we've taken enough taxes from you already."
9. "The Republicans are right, those spending cuts are a sham and I
take full responsibility for misleading the American people."
8. "Ms. Tyson, I frankly don't think we should be following Rumania's
example. Maybe you should just go back to Berkeley where people still
believe in socialism."
7. "My fellow Americans, I've decided to hold a referendum on my proposal
for new taxes."
6. "Chelsea, if public schools are good enough for the colored children
then they are good enough for you."
5. "Mr. Hog, I'm afraid you'll just have to learn to do without those
subsidies from now on."
4. "Al, I'm putting you in charge of finding excessive and burdensome
federal regulations that we can eliminate to spur economic growth."
3. "Well, JFK cut taxes and tax revenues increased. Maybe we should
consider that approach."
2. "We believe in upholding the US Constitution. So starting tomorrow, we
will eliminate all agencies which violate the Tenth Amendment."
1. "Government is not the solution. Government is the problem."
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
Top Ten Symptoms of Clinton Apoligisia
10. Amnesia with respect to anything that was said before November.
9. An uncontrollable urge to advocate new taxes even as you move your own
assets into tax shelters and your income off the books.
8. A cold sweat every time you hear the name: "Jimmy Carter."
7. A blind faith in pathological liars, generally.
6. Frequent nightmares involving Kemp in '96.
5. A naive belief that Slick really will raise everybody else's tax except
your's.
4. A knee-jerk tendency to overlook broken promises in the futile hope
that, in the end, Slick Willie knows what's best for us.
3. A deeply hostile feeling toward anyone who understands economics.
2. An inability to discern moral issues particularly with respect to
fraud and theft.
1. A warm, fuzzy feeling everytime you hear the work "tax".
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
THE TOP TEN ANAGRAMS OF "Chelsea Clinton":
10. Nonascetic hell!
9. Ethnic Al's clone
8. Cancel Holstein!
7. Ill canoe-stench
6. Clenches at loin
5. Ill acne notches
4. No clean clit, she
3. Enchants Collie
2. Lone snatch lice [should be "louse", technically]
1. Clan incest hole
Laura Tyson's Top Ten Explanations for the Collapse of Socialism
10. Too many free-market experiments.
9. The Decade of Greed. (Those greedy Russian's actually expected something
for their decades of sacrifice.)
8. Needed some 60's generation economists from Berkeley to revive their
collectivist ideals.
7. Too much talk, not enough public spending.
6. Reagan did it. (No wait, Reagan didn't do it.)
5. Subversive American propaganda about so-called prosperity of capitalism.
4. The Communist Party went way overboard with the de-Stalinization thing.
3. Evil black marketers who undercut the value of the Ruble and caused
hyperinflation.
2. Crack-tainted Vodka courtesy Air America.
1. Gorbechev was a CIA mole.
The Liberal Ten Commandments
============================
1. Thou shall not impose thy morality on others (unless thou be liberal).
2. Thou shall be tolerant (unless thou be liberal).
3. Thou shall respect Nature and protect the fowls of the air,
every creeping thing, and fishes of the sea. (But NOT unborn children.)
4. Thou shall respect thy fellow persons opinion. (Unless they be right.)
5. Thou shall honor the poor. (And make sure they stay that way.)
6. Thou shall commit adultery (and homosexuality, and bestiality, etc.)
7. Thou shall not bare false witness [lie] (unless thou hast reason to).
8. Do unto others before they do it unto you.
9. Thou shalt not suffer the consequences of thine actions.
10. Do whatsoever is right in thine own eyes. **
Top 10 Signs You're a One-Term President.
10.
9. Larry King bumps you to make room for other guests.
8. Your Secret Service codename is "Carter II".
7. People on the White House tour refer to you as "One-Term Bubba".
6. Your long-lost half-brother won't return your calls.
5. There's a Century 21 sign on the White House lawn.
4. Rich Little doesn't bother to learn an impression of you.
3. You change your name to a symbol, but everyone calls you "Prince" anyway.
2. Dukakis offers to split a Winnebago with you.
1. You get Madonna pregnant.
[My shorthand on #10 is indecipherable...hopefully someone else can fill it in]
Heard this morning that Bill Clinton is planning to go to
Moscow in January. Got me to wondering *why* he might make
this trip, what with being so busy with Hillary's health plan
and all. Here's some possible reasons:
10. Find out if the Russian health care system is as good
as Yeltsin says it is.
9. Gays in the Russian military, too!
8. Meet up with Gennifer Flowers for a romantic international
ski weekend.
7. Looking for a better private school for Chelsea.
6. Eleanor Roosevelt told Hillary he should go.
5. Two words, snow jogging!
4. Try out the deep-fried cabbage at MacDonalds.
3. Find some place Rush Limbaugh **isn't** on the radio.
2. See if he can get a good deal on a retirement dacha
(just in case they really hose things up over here.)
And the Number One reason Bill is going to Moscow in January:
1. Finally drop off that 20-year old canister of microfilm.
Here it is, 5 ways to make sure the Super Bowl is fun agian:
5. Eddie Vedder sings the National Anthem
4. Halftime show: Bill Clinton lynching
3. Two words: Crotch Cam!
2. Show the whole Bud Bowl and only parts of the Super Bowl
And the number 1 way to make the Super Bowl fun again:
**** 1. Put two teams from the NFC in the Super Bowl
Top 6 Ways The World Would Be Different If Beavis & Butthead Were President
6. If any foreign leaders cause trouble, they get hacked up with a chainsaw
5. State of the Union Address still long, but now features the president
laughing while watching music videos
4. It would be funny when a TV reporter harrasses the president, then gets
called a dumbass
3. Instead of smoking marijuana, the president would be getting high off
of frog glands
2. The ecology would be shot to hell, because they would keep feeding balloons
to dolphins
1. So they could say they banged the First Lady
Top 10 Pet Peeves of Algor
10. He's just a heartbeat away from obscurity
9. All those Big Mac wrappers on the White House lawn
7. Having to be Roger's designated driver
6. All that practice spelling 'potato'
5. (missed also, damn)
4. WWF superstars won't answer their mail
3. (can't read my handwriting here, ack)
2. Press forgets that he had an affair with Gennifer also
1. Getting buried alive
File Spell Checked and reformatted by Nathan Mates (nathan@cco.caltech.edu)
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