The following parody of this famous net.loon was written by me. It may be
copied and redistributed at will, provided that you do not modify, bend,
fold or mutilate it. Please leave this header and my name with the file.
"Mystery Science Theatre 3000" and its characters are (c) Best Brains, Inc.
This is done without their permission, but I hope they like it.
No warranties of any kind, expressed or implied, are given. Batteries not
included. May not be suitable for small children. Keep away from pets and
small farm animals. Do not immerse in water. Do not pass "Go", do not
collect $200. Half price admission for fish.
John Mechalas
mechalas@expert.cc.purdue.edu
john@jg.cso.uiuc.edu
71673.3041@compuserve.com
--------------------------------- Cut here 8[ --------------------------------
Gravity-NEUTRALIZING Air/Spacecraft
mcelwre@cnsvax.uwec.edu (Robert McElwaine) writes:
[Crow] Joel! Tom! He's back!
[Joel] We just can't get enough of him..
[Tom] Speak for yourself, pink boy!
] The ZERO/REDUCED-Gravity Chamber described below
[Tom] is pretty darn silly
] has obvious potential
]applications for Chemistry, Biology, Biophysics, Biochemistry, Medical
]Research,
[Joel] Science Fiction, Fantasy...
] etc., allowing experiments which now can be done ONLY on the Space
]Shuttle, AT GREAT EXPENSE!
]
]
] Gravity-NEUTRALIZING Air/Spacecraft
] or ZERO/REDUCED-Gravity Chamber
[Tom] Well...is it a Gravity neutralizing aircraft, or a gravity neutralizing
spacecraft?
[Crow] Or is it a zero gravity chamber, or a reduced gravity chamber?
[Joel] You silly bots! It's ALL these things, and MORE!
] NASA should build an experimental spacecraft based on
] U.S. Patent #3,626,605
[Joel] After all, we all know how feasible most patent ideas are.
[Tom] My favorite one was the "Electronic Snore Suppressor" that
gives you electric shocks when you start snoring.
[Joel] Do you mean it suppresses electronic snores, or does it suppress
snores electronically?
[Tom] Joel, please...
[Joel] Sorry, Tom
] [$3.00 per complete copy from U.S.
] Patent Office, 2021 Jefferson Davis Hwy., Arlington, VA
] 22202; correct 7-digit patent number
[Crow] Or a reasonable facsimilie thereof
] required. Or try
] getting it via your local public or university library's
] inter-library loan dept..], titled "METHOD AND APPARATUS FOR
] GENERATING A SECONDARY GRAVITATIONAL FORCE FIELD",
[Tom] Didn't they have these in "Star Trek"?
[Joel] I thought I remembered seeing one in "Rocketship X-M"
[Crow] No...that was just lousy photography.
] awarded to
[Crow] Awarded? Was there a patenet contest that I didn't know about?
[Joel] I think he's just trying to use colorful language, Crow
[Crow] Why start now?
] Inventor Henry W. Wallace on Dec. 14, 1971.
]
] In the patent, Figs. 7A and 7B are basically side views
] of a gravity-NEUTRALIZING FLYING SAUCER,
[Joel] Well, hey! If it can be drawn in 3-views, then....
[All] It must be real!
] or, if anchored to
] the ground, a ZERO-GRAVITY CHAMBER [which could have MANY
] possible GROUND-level applications for science, medicine,
] manufacturing,
[Joel] and lions and tigers and bears...
[All] Oh my!
] etc.]. Each oval diagram shows a motor
] spinning a central disc at a very high speed,
[Tom] Wow! An animated diagram!
] about 28,000
] RPM, and also rotating two other discs sandwiched around the
] first disc, via gears, at a much slower speed, perhaps 2,800
] RPM, in the opposite direction. The two outer discs have
] extensions [counter-balanced via off-center axis] that, as
] they rotate, alternately make contact with two wide
] extensions from opposite walls of the spacecraft. The
] central disc should have shallow spiral-shaped grooves
[Joel] Man..is this a patent for a space ship or a record player?
] on
] both sides for
[Crow] irrigation.
] air-bearings, to allow the needed very close
] contact with the two outer discs.
]
] I should clarify
[Tom] but I won't.
] that each of the two outer discs has
] ONLY ONE
[Joel] Not three, not two, but ONE!
[counter-balanced] extension, each one pointed
] opposite (180 degrees)
[Joel] Multiple choice!
[Tom] Opposite!
[Crow] 180 degrees!
[All] None of the above!
] the extension of the other disc.
]
] VERY CLOSE CONTACT must be made
[Tom] Does this bug you? Does this bug you?..I'm not touching you...
] as the disc extensions
] slide past the wall extensions in order to conduct the
] "Kinemassic" Energy (term coined by the Inventor)
[All] Now *that's* scientific!
[Tom] What the heck is "kinemassic", anyway?
[Crow] And what's a "Sampo"?
[Joel] Will Jason leave Jane to sleep with Mary?
[Tom] And who *did* kill Mr. Peterson?
] from the
] discs to the walls in an ALTERNATING CIRCULATION.
[Tom] Okay...lesse here... "Circulate: 1. To move in a circle, circuit,
or orbit." Now, how in the world can something "alternately" circulate?
[Crow] No one will be admitted during the chilling "alternating" sequence.
] The most important factor making it work is that the
] discs, extensions, and outer walls of the spacecraft MUST be
] made of any material(s)
[Joel] which currently don't exist.
] in which a very large majority of the
] atoms are of isotopes having
[Tom] the letters 'E', 'Q', or 'T' in their name.
] "HALF-INTEGRAL ATOMIC SPINS",
] such as copper (3/2). All other parts, etc., should have a
] minority of such atoms.
[Tom] This sounds like segregation to me.
] [See the appropriate column of the
] table of isotopes in the latest edition of "The Handbook of
] Chemistry and Physics."]
[Joel] Now showing, at a theatre near you.
]
] Experimenters should use one motor to spin the center
] disc
[Joel] because doing so by hand would take a lot of effort.
] [Start small, such as only two feet in diameter.], and a
[Tom] Two feet in diamater is *small*?
[Joel] Tom...little kids may be reading this...
[Tom] Sorry, Joel
] 2ND SEPARATE motor to rotate the two outer discs, so their
] relative speeds can be varied to establish the needed
] conditions for PROPULSION
[Joel] Do *you* want to acheive the conditions for propulsion?
[All] Sure! We all do!
] of the spacecraft via "NEGATIVE
] WEIGHT" (with the spacecraft's "Kinemassic"
[Joel] There's that word again...
[Crow] I'll bet it's a kind of exercise video!
[Joel] You mean like "Jayne Fonda's Kinemassic Workout"?
] field PUSHING
] AGAINST the earth's gravitational field, etc.).
]
] If we have to put up a space station, establish Moon
] bases, go to Mars, rendezvous with comets, etc., WHY DO IT
] THE HARD WAY?!
[Tom] We do it to annoy YOU, pal!
] Your favorite university or research company could make
] a BIG NAME for itself by making a small model of this work.
[Crow] Yeah...and I bet I know what *kind* of name it would be, too.
] For more information, answers to your questions, etc.,
[Joel] call the Psychic Hotline on 1-800-GET-A-CLU
] please consult my CITED SOURCES (PATENT copy, reference book).
]
] UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
] IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED.
[Crow] But *not* recommended.
] Robert E. McElwaine
] B.S., Physics and Astronomy, UW-EC
[Joel] It's tme to get out of here, guys...
[Tom] Yeah...and the sooner the better...
1....2....3....4....5....6....G
[Joel] What do you think, Sirs?
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