The following parody of this clueless net.loon was written by me. It may be
copied and redistributed at will, provided that you do not modify, bend,
fold or mutilate it. Please leave this header and my name with the file.
My thanks to "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" for the inspiration and ideas.
This is done without their permission, though I hope they like it.
No warranties of any kind, expressed or implied, are given. Batteries not
included. May not be suitable for small children. Keep away from pets and
small farm animals. Do not immerse in water. Do not pass "Go", do not
collect $200. Half price admission for fish.
John Mechalas
mechalas@expert.cc.purdue.edu
john@jg.cso.uiuc.edu
71673.3041@compuserve.com
--------------------------------- Cut here 8[ --------------------------------
Learn to SQUAREDANCE! (SF Bay Area) - Updated
psw10@spg.amdahl.com (Paul Whitmer) writes:
]
] ] ] ] ] ] ] ] ] ] ] ] LEARN TO SQUAREDANCE !! [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [
[Crow] Not me! I wanna dance really _cool_!
] Squaredancing is:
[Tom] In general, square.
] - A great way to meet new friends
[Crow] If you haven't met them yet, how can they be your friends?
] - GREAT EXERCISE (about equal to tennis)
[Mike] I wonder what kind of racquets they use.
[Tom] In tennis?
[Mike] In square dancing.
] - GREAT FUN!!!
[Crow] Where where where?!
[Tom] I think he's referring to the "square dancing"
[Crow] Oh.
] The Mountain View Bows & Beaus,
[Tom] Has a really nice _ring_ to it, don't you think?
]a singles squaredance club
[Crow] Uh...shouldn't that be "single"?
[Mike] Maybe he means "single's"
[Tom] Or possibly "singles'"
[Mike] It's all these things, and more!
]in Mountain View, CA., is starting up a new squaredance class
[Tom] Well, thanks for posting this to the whole _world_, then.
]for beginning squaredancers. The class is open to anyone 18 years of age
]or older,
[Mike] I hear that 18 is the legal age for square dancing in California.
]single or not, with or without a dance partner.
[Crow] You mean it's okay to square dance if you _aren't_ single?
[Tom] Must be. But I'm still trying to figure out how you do it without
a partner.
[Mike] Tom, please...there are little children watching.
]The class starts January 10th (monday nights), and the
]first three classes are FREE
[Tom] Not just free, but FREE.
[Crow] Will they pay my air fare, too?
](1/10,1/17 and 1/24). Thereafter, the cost for the class is $3.00/week or
]$12.00/month (if you pay by the month, the cost works out to $3.00/week).
[Mike] What a great savings!
[Crow] For the mathematically impaired...
]The class will be held at Whisman Elementary School, 310 Easy St., Mountain
]View. The class starts a 8:00pm and goes to 10:00pm. Whisman School is
]east of Middlefield Road, between Tyrella and Moffatt Blvd.
[Mike] I was _wondering_ where that was!
] The Mountain View Bows & Beaus
[Tom] Has a really nice _ring_ to it, don't you think?
[Mike] hehe
]is a well-established and well-respected Singles Squaredance club,
]which is a member of SCVSDA (Santa Clara Valley Square Dancers Association).
[Crow] Well, _now_ I feel safe!
] The Bows & Beaus
[Tom] Has a really nice _ring_ to it, don't you think?
[Crow] Tom, please...
]have been dancing in Mountain View for many years,
[Tom] And, boy, are they tired!
[Crow] hehe
]and annually hosts the 'Ice Cream Fling Thing',
[Mike] Oh, God...I _don't_ want to know...
]a Plus-level Hoedown in June.
[Tom] Is that anything like a split-level?
]Our Caller,
[Tom] Is on the air!
]Keith Ferguson, is well known in the local squaredance community as one of
]the best callers/
[Mike] He's taken phone lessons.
]instructors in the area. The Bows & Beaus
[Tom] Has a really nice _ring_ to it, don't you think?
[Crow] Will you please stop it?! It's not funny anymore!
]club dances at the 'Plus' level,
[Mike] Rather than with ordinary mortals.
]as do most of the squaredance clubs in the Santa Clara Valley.
[Crow] So ours is clearly superior.
]Our class is taught so that at the completion of the class, each member
]of the class is 'Graduated' into the 'Plus' level of squaredancing.
[Tom] In spite of their abilities.
]If you have any questions,
[Mike] Then write your name down on a piece of paper, crumple it up, and
throw it away.
]or would like to talk with someone
[Crow] Please call our crisis hotline, at 1-800-BITE-ME
]in person about this class, please feel free
[Tom] Yes! At last! I am FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
]to call Keith at 408-867-7715, or Paul at 408-982-9668.
[Mike] Or if you want a date...
]SPECIAL NOTE TO MEN:
[Crow] Do you ever feel, you know, not so fresh?
[Mike] Crow, that was in very poor taste.
[Tom] And you got the gender wrong, you moron!
]Squaredance classes in general usually have an EXCESS of
[Mike] Lonely, desperate people.
]single women without partners. So if you are thinking you need to
[Tom] Guys, I don't even want to _know_ what this guy is implying here.
]have a partner to attend our class, don't worry about it.
[Mike] What about the single women? How do _they_ get partners?
]I'm sure there will be plenty of women to go around.
[Tom] I knew it! I _knew_ it! Mike, this is disgusting!
[Crow] Apparently, some people _are_ that desperate.
]Paul Whitmer
]VP - Bows & Beaus Squaredance Club
[Tom] That has a really nice...
[Crow] Don't say it!
]Mountain View, CA.
[Mike] I thought CA was for Canada?
[All] *sings* "Oh, Canada!..."
]P.S. If Monday night is not a good night for you,
[Tom] Then deal with it, pink boy!
]but you are still interested in learning to squaredance,
[Mike] *Sally Struthers voice* Would _you_ like to learn square dancing?
[All] Sure! We all would!
]there are other clubs in the area starting classes in January, who teach
]their classes on other nights of the week.
[Crow] Ahhh! It's spreading! It's spreading!!!!!!!
]Please feel free to call either of the two numbers above
[Crow] And ask them if they have "Prince Albert" in a can.
]to get information on any of the squaredance classes starting in January.
]
]P.P.S. Our first class night was held on January 10th with GREAT success.
[Mike] Well, thanks for letting us know ahead of time!
]However, the class is not yet full, there is room for about 30-35 more.
[Tom] Translation: no one showed up.
]Also, there is an unusually high number of MEN who attended our first class,
]so to all of you WOMEN out there, there are MEN waiting for you to show up
]who will be eager to dance with you.
[Crow] Hey! Doesn't this contradict what he just said?!
[Mike] Yes, Crow, but sometimes "logical thought" is just too much to ask.
]Remember, the next 2 classes (1/17 and 1/24) are FREE, so what do you have
]to lose?
[Mike] My dignity?
[Crow] My self esteem?
[Tom] My Monday nights?
[All] All of the above!
[Mike] Come on, guys...let's get out of here.
1 ..... 2 ..... 3 ..... 4 ..... 5 ..... 6 .....
[Mike] What do you think, Sirs?
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