The following parody of this famous net.loon was written by me. It may be
copied and redistributed at will, provided that you do not modify, bend,
fold or mutilate it. Please leave this header and my name with the file.
"Mystery Science Theatre 3000" and its characters are (c) Best Brains, Inc.
This is done without their permission, but I hope they like it.
No warranties of any kind, expressed or implied, are given. Batteries not
included. May not be suitable for small children. Keep away from pets and
small farm animals. Do not immerse in water. Do not pass "Go", do not
collect $200. Half price admission for fish.
John Mechalas
mechalas@expert.cc.purdue.edu
john@jg.cso.uiuc.edu
71673.3041@compuserve.com
--------------------------------- Cut here 8[ --------------------------------
SPACEMAN SPEAKS OUT
] Subject: Ashtar Tells It How It Is.
[Crow] He must be taking lessons from Walter Cronkite.
[Mike] Are you sure that's spelled right?
] In one of my postings I mentioned some post card pictures
[Tom] And, boy, were they pissed!
] of some space-spiritual type people. The last one on the list was Ashtar.
[Crow] Spaceman Ashtar, COME ON DOWN!
] He is one of the good guys and is in control of a lot of space craft.
] He is something that he said that was on the Net....................
[Tom] Mike, what does that mean?
[Mike] I dunno, Tom, what _does_ it mean?
[Tom] That's what I'm asking!
[Mike] I don't know!
[All] Third base!!
] Translations from Ashtar
[Crow] Tonight, on Hard Copy!
] Telepathic Communications - To Txx H. Sxxxx of Spirit-Earth
]
] Government To Soon Acknowledge ET Existence
[Tom] They just saw the film yesterday.
] July 13, 1993
]
] Command:
[Crow] Stop!
[Mike] Sit!
[Tom] Stay!
] I anticipate that your government will begin releasing bits of
] information about the existence of extra-terrestrials by October or
] November of this year
] JW I don't know whether he is talking about 1993 or 1994.
[Mike] I'd think this would be pretty obvious by now.
] They wish to do this on a gradual basis until you get used to the idea.
[Tom] And then they're gonna stop.
] They are wanting to test the public's reactions.
[Crow] In hopes of rapid oxidation.
] If they are favorable, they may move a little faster.
[Tom] Well, let's take a vote.
[Mike] All in favor of public reactions, say "Aye!"
] They are already trying to market the information now in very subtle ways.
] They will accelerate this.
[Tom] I guess this explains all those "Barney" toys.
] They are selecting these times because of some major shifts in the Earth's
] energies that are beginning to occur.
[All] *sings* "Everybody's doo-o-ing a brand new dance, now!...."
] There is a high probability that the
] Earth is going to expose one or two secret government and negative ET
] underground bases with her changes.
[Mike] Some scenes not suitable for children.
] These will essentially be destroyed.
[Crow] They were trying, "not to be seen".
] Some in your government are suspecting this may occur, so they want to
] prepare the public for what they may "accidentally" see.
[Mike] Can you see me? Can you feel me near you?
] Of course they will
] not be telling a great deal of truth, but it will still mark the "official"
] beginning of their acknowledgement of the ET existence.
[Tom] They just saw the film yesterday.
[Mike] You already said that.
] You will not be told of the true extent of your government's knowledge
] or involvement.
[Crow] Involvement in _what_?
] They will never tell you the complete story. You will
] be told enough truth to help verify what the government is talking
] about. Except for the havoc caused by the Earth changes,
[Mike] Dogs and cats living together! Total chaos!
] most of what is said will be fabricated public relations campaigns.
[Tom] Isn't that kind of redundant?
] They have had most of these stories "worked up" for some time. They
] will enlist the aid of some very patriotic individuals who most of the
] public will very much identify with.
[Mike] Oliver North?
[Crow] Richard Nixon?
] It will be someone with a good public image and even looked up to.
[Tom] So much for Richard Nixon
] This is part of their packaging. Do not
[Mike] open until Christmas.
] be taken in by personalities, but discern for yourself what is happening.
]
] Many people keep raising the questions about the real existence of
] ET's,
[Tom] Obviously, they haven't seen the move yet.
[Mike] Will you stop it?!
[Tom] Sorry, Mike.
] and why the government has not stepped forward as many of us
] have suggested they would. This will be their opportunity to "finally"
] believe, because you know your Uncle Sam would not tell you a lie.
[Crow] They're cutting down _cherry trees_?!
] Most of the people will completely accept what you will be told.
[Mike] If you see it on television, it _must be true_!
] You may even be shown your first official photographs by December or
] January,
[Tom] And if they were legible, you'd see what I was talking about.
] depending again on how accepting the public is. Your government is going
] to attempt to create fear in your minds,
[Crow] As opposed to creating it _where_?
] but in a very subtle way.
[Mike] How do you subtlely scare somebody?
] Overtly, they will say there is no cause for alarm and that their contacts
[Tom] Keep their eyesight out of this!
[Crow] Yeah!
] with them have all been peaceful. But they will market this in such a way
] to leave doubts of fear
[Mike] I doubt I'm afraid of this
[Tom] I don't doubt that
] in your mind by leaving big gaps in what is being said,
[Crow] A politician would never do something like this!
[Tom] Yeah...usually they just lie straight-out.
] including the unspoken potential harm to all on the Earth.
[All] But what about TORTURE?!
] Your scientific community will be invited to come forward and share in
] the technologies.
[Tom] Form a line! And no seconds until everybody gets one!
] This will basically be a sham.
[Crow] It's a simple sham, really.
] There are considerable "old" surplus technologies
[Mike] Surplus technology?
] that can be used to pacify the scientific element for a while.
[Crow] Those crazy scientists!
[Tom] Always wanting their pacifiers!
] All the while these individuals will be subjected to various mind control
] techniques to keep them under control
[Mike] Oh, I get it! The mind control techniques will keep their minds
under control...
] and out of the way of the real issues.
[Tom] Like "bowling" and "cold fusion".
] It is a well conceived and thought out plan
[Mike] Inconceivable!
] between your government and the negative ET's.
[Crow] The aliens are _batteries_...
] The only fly in the ointment
[Tom] is probably dead by now.
] may be what could be revealed to the public as a result of the Earth
] changes.
[Mike] Seen it!
[Tom] Hated it!
[Crow] Taped it.
] The government will have much difficulty controlling the outgrowth of
] these situations.
[Tom] Maybe they should invest in a pesticide.
] Since they are not 100% certain what Earth changes will happen,
[Crow] How fortunate! This will simplify everything!
] or even where they will happen, they cannot be completely prepared for
] what the Earth will do.
[Mike] This looks like a job for.....THE BOY SCOUTS!
] We feel the Earth is going to be very forceful with her
[Tom] The earth is female? How did they know that?
[Mike] I think they looked under the Himalayans.
] cleansing efforts in some of the highly negative areas, both
] below the surface and above.
[Crow] Negative _what_?!
] Naturally most of what is below the surface will be entombed there.
[Mike] It already _is_!
] But parts of this may very well be exposed, if the right individuals
] just "happen" to be at the right spot.
[Tom] That's really _sick_.
] There will also be massive sightings of the craft
[Crow] Cool! An art sale!
] starting around January 1994.
[Mike] We must have missed it.
] There will no doubt be considerable sightings of the negative ET crafts
[Crow] Are you positive?
[Tom] Are you sure?
[Mike] Are you confident? Dry? And secure?
[All] *sings* "Raise your hands! Raise your hands....if you're sure!"
] to coincide with some of the government releasals.
] Most of the public will not be able to distinguish between the various
] types. The negatives' will capitalize on this.
[Mike] Fixed in release 1.2.
] There will also be an increase in abductions of the negative type.
[Crow] There's such a thing as a positive abduction?
] This will serve to keep a heightened level of fear among those who become
] aware of these activities.
[Mike] Their chief weapon is fear.
[Crow] And surprise!
[All] "_Nobody_ expects the Spanish Inquisition!"
] The government will deny these activities, though.
[Tom] What a surprise.
] For those who are currently skeptical
[Mike] Not now...but maybe later.
] and who will remain close to the various activities and government denials,
[Mike] Join us!
] these should be able to easily and "logically" see what the government is
] up to.
[Tom] I do I do I _do_ believe in spooks!
] Most others will not.
[Crow] 'cause they're _stupid_.
] This is the most current information of this type we can offer.
[Tom] Would you like to buy a set of encyclopedias?
] I will advise you of any significant changes,
[Mike] "...as soon as they release me from Bellvue"
] or with new information as I feel it is appropriate.
[Crow] But for now....just _deal_ with it.
] I leave in love for each of you and for the One Infinite Creator.
[All] Awwwwwe! We wuv you, too!
] Ashtar, of the Ashtar Command
[Crow] Are you known for your work in the theater?
[Tom] What exactly is an Ashtar Command, anyway?
] JW Well now he sounds serious.
[Mike] Well, now...I wouldn't say _that_.
] John Winston.
[Mike] Come on guys...let's get out of here...
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