The following parody of this famous net.loon was written by me. It may be
copied and redistributed at will, provided that you do not modify, bend,
fold or mutilate it. Please leave this header and my name with the file.
"Mystery Science Theatre 3000" and its characters are (c) Best Brains, Inc.
This is done without their permission, but I hope they like it.
No warranties of any kind, expressed or implied, are given. Batteries not
included. May not be suitable for small children. Keep away from pets and
small farm animals. Do not immerse in water. Do not pass "Go", do not
collect $200. Half price admission for fish.
John Mechalas
mechalas@expert.cc.purdue.edu
john@jg.cso.uiuc.edu
71673.3041@compuserve.com
--------------------------------- Cut here 8[ --------------------------------
SEXY PSYCHIC PLANTS
] The following quote illustrates the NATURALNESS of Psychic Phenomena,
]etc., which orthodox science and religion
[Tom] finds far too silly to take seriously.
] IGNORE or DENY.
]
]
] SEXY PSYCHIC PLANTS
[Joel] You know, guys, I'm not sure if you're old enough to be reading this.
] A humorous quote from "THE SECRET LIFE OF PLANTS",
[Tom] heh heh...This is RICH
] [See
] Footnote.], by Peter Tompkins and Christopher Bird,
[Tom] Peter?
[Joel] Christopher?
[Tom] Robert?
[Crow] McCloud?
] 1973,
] page 38:
]
] ....."As Sauvin's main problem remained that of getting his
] plants to
[Crow] grow.
] be sharply attuned to his person rather than to
] their immediate environment, when he was away for several
] days,
[Tom] they all died.
] he had to devise some means of attracting his plants'
] attention
[Joel] He must have been really hard up for a date
[Tom] How does one attract the attention of a plant, anyway?
[Joel] Maybe we're about to find out...
] even more effectively than addressing them over the
] long-distance phone.
[Tom] Yes, folks, it's DIAL-A-PLANT! Call 1-800-PLNT-TLK to talk to
a plant *live* and *in person*!
[Crow] Phone call is $.50 for the first minute, and $1/mintue thereafter.
You must be over 18.
[Joel] Or very disturbed.
] As his plants reacted most strongly to
] any damage done to himself or to any part of his own energy
] field,
[Crow] You'd think they'd react most strongly to any damage done to the
plants.
] he experimented with remotely killing a few cells of
] his body in the presence of the plants. The system worked
] admirably.
[Tom] And within minutes, he was dead. The plants died soon after, since
no one was left to water them.
] The problem was to obtain cells that would remain
] alive for protracted periods. Blood worked well enough, hair
] was difficult to kill,
[Crow] Especially since its already dead.
] but sperm worked best of all,
[Crow] And he went up and down the neighborhood, asking for samples.
] because,
] as Sauvin explained, it was easier to obtain than bleeding,
] and much less painful.
[Tom] Unless you happen to be a woman.
]
] "These experiments led Sauvin
[Tom] Sauvin?
[Joel] Cujo?
[Tom] Norman?
[Crow] McCloud?
] to wonder if plants might
] not react just as well
[Joel] with caustic substances.
[Tom] Uh, Joel, I don't think he meant "chemically"
[Crow] I think he meant "emotionally"
[Joel] You mean like "fear"?
[Tom] And "surprise".
[All] "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"
] to emotions of pleasure and joy as to
] pain and shock. Not only was he tired of shocking himself,
[Tom] but his neighbors were starting to ask questions.
] he was afraid that repeated shocks to his plants, even
] indirect ones, might
[Joel] force Greenpeace to file charges.
] be UNPLEASANTLY LOADING HIS KARMA.
[Tom] Yep! I *knew* there had to be some Karma in here *somewhere*
[Crow] For a clue, call 1-800-BITE-ME
] [DITTO for
[Joel] Hey! Leave "Hi and Lois" out of this!
] vivisections, animal experiments, etc..]
]
] Sauvin soon found that his plants did react to joy and
] pleasure,
[Tom] And the engagement was formally announced later that week.
] but with wave patterns that were not sharp enough
] to trigger a switch reliably.
[Joel] I wonder which switch he's referring to?
[Crow] heh...Obviously not the one to his computer...
] Undaunted, Sauvin decided on a
] more daring experiment. DURING A HOLIDAY WITH A GIRL FRIEND
[Tom] He sacrificed her to "Zooba", the Plant God
] AT HIS LAKESIDE COTTAGE
[Joel] You know, I wonder if this will work in other places, too?
[Tom] I don't think it matters, as long as there's a cottage involved.
[Crow] Will cheese work?
[Tom] Shut up!
] HE ESTABLISHED THAT HIS PLANTS,
] EIGHTY MILES AWAY,
[Crow] were in fact engaging in sexual practices of their own; far beyond
our understanding.
[Tom] Was it just coincidence, or a sign of some higher power?
[All] Read the book!
] WOULD REACT WITH VERY HIGH PEAKS ON THE
] TONE OSCILLATOR TO THE ACUTE PLEASURE OF [his] SEXUAL CLIMAX,
] GOING RIGHT OFF THE TOP AT THE MOMENT OF ORGASM.
[Joel] Kids, do *not* try this at home!
] All of
] which was very interesting and could be turned into a
] COMMERCIALLY MARKETABLE DEVICE
[Crow] No one will be admitted during the breath-taking "marketing" sequence
] FOR JEALOUS WIVES TO MONITOR
] THEIR PHILANDERING HUSBANDS, BY MEANS OF A POTTED
] BEGONIA."....
[Tom] It slices! It dices! It detects philandering husbands! All yours
for just $19.95!
[Joel] That's some begonia.
[Crow] Begonia?
[Tom] Petunia?
[Joel] Rose?
[Crow] McCloud?
] (EMPHASIS, and comment, added.)
[All] NO!!! REALLY!?!?
] Footnote: Chapter 17 is about BIOLOGICAL TRANSMUTATIONS.
[Crow] Wasn't that a scene from "The Pod People"?
] Chapters 19 and 20 are about RADIONICS/PSIONICS.
] Entire book is FASCINATING!
[Tom] About those sentance fragments.
] UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
] INTERESTING Quote, WITH my comments, is ENCOURAGED.
[Crow] But not recommended.
] Robert E. McElwaine
[Crow] McElwaine?
[Tom] McGuyver?
[Joel] Matlock?
[Crow] McCloud?
] B.S., Physics and Astronomy, UW-EC
[Joel] I think I know what the "B.S." stands for
[Crow] Yeah, and it's all over this article, too...
[Joel] Come on guys...let's get out of here.
1....2....3....4....5....6....G
[The scene: Tom and Crow are sitting in front of a television and VCR,
watching a tape. Several tapes can be seen scattered about the table, and
a row of potted plants is located next to them.]
[Joel] Well, hey, guys...What are you crazy bots up to now?
[Crow] We're performing an experiment, Joel!
[Tom] Yeah! We're trying to determine how these plants will react to our
energy fields, as we are exposed to various forms of stimuli.
[Crow] That's right...we've been watching comedians now for over four
hours in an attempt to see how "humor" influences their growth
rate.
[Joel] Gosh, that's really fascinating. What have you learned so far?
[Tom] Well, Joel, so far the results have been inconclusive, and the
accident set us back by destroying all our specimans.
[Crow] We had to order replacements.
[Joel] What accident? What happened?
[Crow] Well, when we started watching "Gallagher", all of our plants died.
[Joel] Wow, that's serious... But I guess it's not very surprising.
[Tom] We should have seen it coming, actually.
[Joel] You know what they say: Hindsight is 20/20, and foresight is blind
luck. Hey, look...the Mads are calling. Whaddya think, Sirs?
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