The following parody of this clueless post was written by me. It may be
copied and redistributed at will, provided that you do not modify, bend,
fold or mutilate it. Please leave this header and my name with the file.
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" and its characters are (c) Best Brains, Inc.
This is done without their permission, but I hope they like it.
No warranties of any kind, expressed or implied, are given. Batteries not
included. May not be suitable for small children. Keep away from pets and
small farm animals. Do not immerse in water. Do not pass "Go", do not
collect $200. Half price admission for fish.
John Mechalas
mechalas@expert.cc.purdue.edu
john@jg.cso.uiuc.edu
71673.3041@compuserve.com
--------------------------------- Cut here 8[ --------------------------------
SEX, LOVE, AND INTIMACY WORKSHOP
smv@apollo.hp.com (Steve Valentine) writes:
[Tom] Mike, why do people post commercial advertisements to Usenet?
[Mike] I dunno, Tom, but this one might be important.
[Crow] It would take a miracle.
]Recently, I attended a workshop about sex, love and intimacy
[Tom] And lions, and tigers, and bears!
[All] Oh, my!
]called "The Miracle of Love",
[Mike] See, Crow? It _is_ a miracle.
]facilitated by The Human Awareness Institute.
[Tom] I was not aware of that.
]I found it
[Crow] lying in the gutter.
[Mike] I took it home and clothed it.
]an incredible workshop for those of us trying to increase the quality
]and quantity of love, joy,
[Tom] Isn't that a show on A&E?
[Mike] I think that's "Lovejoy".
[Tom] Oh.
] and intimacy in our lives.
]
]Through this workshop, many singles have found a partner and started
]deep and lasting loving relationships.
[Crow] Others have found bitterness, darkness, and evil.
]Many couples have taken their relationships to new levels.
[Tom] Public embarrassment?
]You can also learn to:
]
]o increase the clarity, honesty and trust in your relationships
[Mike] I was only being _sorta_ honest, before.
]o be more comfortable and accepting of yourself, your body, and sexuality
[Crow] Become dangerous to yourself and others
]o develop new communication skills
[Tom] And discard them.
]o increase self-esteem
[Mike] "Have I mentioned I'm immense and immortal?"
]o reduce your fear of rejection
[Crow] "Run away!! Run away!!!"
]o be more loving, intimate and expressive
[Mike] I love you, Tom.
[Tom] You're sick, Mike.
]o meet new people and learn how to connect more openly and easily
[Crow] "I want Rockford _dead!_"
]o create more loving intimate and healthy relationships
[Mike] I love you, too, Crow.
[Crow] Hey! Stay away from me!
]o heal childhood and relationship wounds
[Tom] Hey, Mike, hand me that jar of "bactine".
]o make new and empowering choices in your life and relationships
[Mike] Learn to shower and bathe regularly.
]It's an experiential workshop;
[Tom] Kids, do _not_ try this at home!
[Crow] He said "experiential"!
]not a lot of lecture, most are exercises with a partner or partners of
]your choice,
[Tom] Mike! This is _disgusting_!
[Mike] Just hang in there, Tom. Maybe it will get better.
[Crow] Well it sure can't get any _worse_...
]with lots of practice
[Tom] I _don't_ want to know.
]in relating. You'll share trust and honesty and acceptance and openness
]and respect and caring and playfulness and risk and affection and
]forgiveness and communication.
[Mike] And words and phrases and clauses and...
[All] *sings* "Conjunction Junction, what's your function?"
]This is a workshop where you will come away loving yourself and others
[Crow] "Do I please you? Do you find me pleasing?"
]more fully and being able to express that love more honestly.
[Mike] I love--
[Crow and Tom] Stop it!
]It is a clothing-optional workshop.
[Tom] _You_ bring the clothing, _I'll_ bring the optional.
]You will have the opportunity to be part of the most loving, supportive
]and SAFE environment
[Crow] Compared to what?
]through your willingness to be open and vulnerable with the group.
[Tom] Are they known for their work in the theater?
]But, you will always have the choice in every exercise to participate at a
]level that feels right and comfortable for you.
[Mike] I prefer ground-level.
[Tom] That's better than ground-zero.
[Crow] Huh?
]The facilitators are so nurturing and gentle; if I was being reborn I would
]choose them as my parents.
[Crow] "You're not my real father!"
[Mike] "My mother was a saint!"
] I have searched in many places and many ways for self-love and acceptance.
[Mike] "I am not an animal! I am a human being!"
]I found it in this workshop.
[Tom] Aha! I _got_ one!
]I've seen others healed of abuse and shame and fears.
[Crow] Instantly. Overnight.
]In one weekend, people break through a lifetime of walls and pain and
]rejection and separateness.
[Mike] So much for the hotel's damage deposit. Sheesh.
]The workshop is gender balanced,
[Crow] Guys on one side, girls on the other.
]with only about 40-60 participants, so there may be a waiting list if
]there is not a balance of men and women.
[Tom] Maybe they should try dieting.
]The next workshop is February 25-27. The weekend costs $395.
[Crow] Is that a good price?
[Mike] I'm not really sure.
[Tom] I never realized that February was so expensive.
[Mike] There are less days, so the unit cost is higher.
[Tom] Ah.
]This is a residential workshop
[Mike] We'll be holding it in peoples' homes.
]with all meals and snacks included,
[Tom] The way to a person's heart really _is_ through their stomach!
]held in a beautiful retreat center near Raymond, Maine.
[Crow] But since we'll be indoors, that won't matter.
]There will also be a completion workshop and party in the Boston area a
]week later which is included.
[Mike] A workshop party?
]This price includes indoor camp-style sleeping space.
]Semi-private rooms are available for an additional $30 for the weekend.
[Tom] SEMI-private? I don't think so!
]Since 1968, over 40,000 people have taken this and other HAI workshops.
[Mike] And we want them back!
]This workshop has made a tremendous difference in my life
[Tom] And I've been damned to post ads on Usenet because of it.
]in the last year, and sharing that with others is my reward.
[Crow] What? Your life?
[Tom] I'll pass.
]I receive no compensation or other benefit for your registering or
]attending the workshop.
[Tom] I do, however, get flamed publically.
]HAI workshops are also offered in California, Michigan, Australia and
]Japan.
[Crow] Coming soon to a location near you!
]You may send me mail for more information,
[Mike] But I prefer cash.
]or to register. Please include your home address if you want information
]by mail.
[Tom] Of if you want a date.
]Steve Valentine - smv@apollo.hp.com
]#include [hp/disclaimer.h]
[Mike] #define Total_idiot
[Crow] #include [std.flame.h]
[Tom] #undef commercial_ads
[Mike] Come on guys, let's get out of here.
1 ..... 2 ..... 3 ..... 4 ..... 5 ..... 6
[Tom] ...okay, okay...so on Saturday we'll have the "Screaming Seminar",
followed by "Hygiene Hijinx" and "Fingerprints for Fun and Profit".
[Crow] Yeah! Then we can break for lunch at 1:00 and start the
"Contrary Conversation" course at two. That should take care of
the afternoon.
[Tom] Have we decided on the dinner menu yet?
[Crow] Hmm...I don't think so. How about cold pizza and warm milk?
[Tom] I was kinda hoping for spam and American cheese....
[Mike] Hey, guys, what are you up to?
[Crow] Hi, Mike! We're working on organizing our very own weekend-long
workshop!
[Tom] We were inspired by today's commercial advertisement for the
"Miracle of Love" workshop. We figured that, if people are will-
ing to shell out $400 for a chance to act like the script-
writers to "thirty-something", then we can easily reap in the
dough by offering to teach _important_ skills.
[Mike] What exactly did you have in mind?
[Crow] We're calling it the "Life's Little Destruction Seminar", based
on the poster they sell at K-mart.
[Tom] We plan on teaching _valuable_ social skills, all for the reasonably
low price of $995.95 for the weekend.
[Mike] Like what?
[Crow] Well, we're still working on the topics, but for now we've
included things like: how to change the tv channel right when
the show starts getting interesting, how to annoy someone in
conversation by repeating everything they say, and the art of
leaving greasy fingerprints on computer monitors and car
windows.
[Tom] I'm planning on teaching a seminar about posting commercial ads
to Usenet.
[Mike] Wow...that _is_ nasty. But what makes you think people will
actually pay money for this? Many people have no trouble being
borish, rude, and obnoxious based on their innate abilities.
[Crow] You mean like Dick Vitale?
[Mike] Good example.
[Tom] And Zsa Zsa Gabor.
[Crow] And Bruce Becker!
[Mike] See what I mean?
[Tom] Hmm...maybe you're right, Mike. Maybe this whole workshop idea
is doomed to failure.
[Mike] Well, Tom, I think you have the right idea, just the wrong subject
matter. What you want to do is offer a workshop that teaches
skills in which people are _lacking_.
[Crow] Hmm...how about a workshop on posting Usenet news from Delphi
without looking like a clueless, blathering idiot?
[Mike] Now _that's_ a money-making idea. What do you think, sirs?
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