The following parody of this clueless net.loon was written by me. It may be
copied and redistributed at will, provided that you do not modify, bend,
fold or mutilate it. Please leave this header and my name with the file.
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" and its characters are (c) Best Brains, Inc.
This is done without their permission, but I hope they like it.
No warranties of any kind, expressed or implied, are given. Batteries not
included. May not be suitable for small children. Keep away from pets and
small farm animals. Do not immerse in water. Do not pass "Go", do not
collect $200. Half price admission for fish.
John Mechalas
mechalas@expert.cc.purdue.edu
john@jg.cso.uiuc.edu
71673.3041@compuserve.com
--------------------------------- Cut here 8[ --------------------------------
Releasing your photographic memory
BRAINPOWER@delphi.com writes:
[Crow] Jeez, Mike, it's another Delphi weenie!
[Tom] They're _everywhere_!
[Mike] Calm down guys...this may be important. Give him a chance.
[Crow] Why? It's never worked before...
] When is the last time you forgot where you put your car keys?
[Tom] I don't remember.
] Or forgot some items at the grocery store?
[Crow] You mean like nuts? Fruits? Dolts?
[Mike] Doles...not dolts!
[Tom] Does it really matter?
] Or forgot the name of that file that is somewhere in your hard drive?
[Tom] I'd be happy to pay you Tuesday, for the filename today.
] NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!
[Crow] Aaaaugh!!! Don't DO that!
] Wouldn't it be great to have MEMORY AT THE SPEED OF SITE?
[Mike] *Sally Struthers voice* Would _you_ like to have memory at the
speed of site?
[All] Sure! We all would!
[Tom] Uh...just how fast _is_ site, anyway?
[Crow] It's like the speed of lite, only slower.
] To be able to:
] * Remember a list of 100 words, in any order, after just hearing it once!
[Tom] Yes, now you, too, can learn worthless skills and annoy your friends!
] * Repeat a 30 digit number after hearing it just once!
[Mike] Tonight, on "The Misfits of Science"
] * Remember and recall each and every computer file name and location!
[Tom] Serve the computer. The computer is your friend.
] These and hundreds of other memory based task have one thing in
] common...
[Crow] They're lame!
] they can be learned. Yes, you can LEARN how to accomplish
] amazing memory feats.
[Mike] That word "amazing"...I don't think it means what you think
it means.
] Everyday task can now be easy and stress free.
[All] But what about Scarecrow's brain?!
] Memory is just like our muscles.
[Tom] It's red and squishy.
] Once we become strong and in good shape by daily exercise,
[Crow] we can beat up little kids and take their lunch money.
] we take a break and before we realize it, we're out of shape again.
[Mike] Get off the _diet_ roller-coaster!
] You know the old saying,
[Tom] "I'm made of liquid metal"
] "If you don't use it, you lose it".
[Mike] Hey! That's disgusting!
] Well, our brain functions in the same manner.
[Crow] You mean it--
[Mike] Crow!
] Without daily "exercise",
[Tom] Demons will possess your soul.
[Mike] No, Tom, that's "exorcise".
] normal functions become slower and less efficient and eventually become
] dysfunctional.
[Crow] Hey! Keep their personal lives out of this!
] Science tells us that we use less than 10% of our brain power.
[Mike] And in a moment, the results of that trial.
] Does that mean that we are 90% brain dead and don't even realize it?
[Tom] This is what we call "dramatic irony".
] An example: Joe says "Aha! I remember everything because I write it down!"
] Writing is good,
[Crow] it's just the authors that stink.
] but only to the level that it actually helps us remember, because writing
] things down is simply a support system for the memory.
[Mike] With trusses and joints and stuff.
] Constantly writing things down without using your imagination
[Tom] or your brain...
] to remember can atrophy the mental faculties and dull them
[Crow] Is this irony again?
[Mike] I think so.
] (didn't know that did you?)
[Tom] No, but I'm learning through example.
] Daily use of our imaginations to remember and recall things exercises our
] brain and uses our mental storage faculties,
[Crow] But are they tenured?
] therefore increasing our mind power and causing our brain to function more
] efficiently with clarity and acuity. From a technical angle, neurological
] scientists have demonstrated
[Tom] the desperate need for lobotomies.
] that the area of the brain receiving use generates energy that, in turn,
] creates increased blood flow to that area.
[Mike] Well, duh!
] Over a period of time, if one area of a given region of the brain is in
] use more than another, the increased blood supply becomes physiological
] habit.
[Tom] Just say "No!" to blood.
[Mike] This is your brain.
[Crow] This is your brain on blood.
[All] Any questions?
] So just as our physical muscles
[Mike] Not to be confused with our _mental_ muscles.
] build with continued use and enriched blood supply, so do your
] mental powers increase and grow stronger through continued use.
[Crow] There's something missing from this analogy.
[Tom] You mean like a "connection"?
] If you would like to learn how you can improve your memory
[Mike] "you WILL bow down before me!"
] and increase your mind power through proven science based methods and
] years of research,
[Tom] Is there a shorter course available?
] please send us your name, address, phone number, and fax number,
[Tom] Oh, I don't THINK so!
] with any comments,
[Crow] You're LAME!
[Mike] It STINKS!
[Tom] You're not my real father!
[Crow and Mike] Huh?
] to our Internet E-mail address BRAINPOWER@delphi.com.
[Mike] Brainpower?
[Crow] At Delphi?
[Tom] Now where _did_ I put the list of oxymorons..?
[Mike] Come one guys...let's get out of here...
1 ..... 2 ..... 3 ..... 4 ..... 5 ..... 6
[Mike] In honor of today's commercial advertisement, cleverly disguised
as an advertisement, we here on the Satellite of Love would like
to take the time to introduce the latest product from SOL
Manufacturing.
[Tom] Yes, from the same people who brought you "Moron-Free" and "PC
Usenet Poster", SOL Mfg. has developed yet _another_ useful
product to serve your computing needs.
[Crow] That's right, Tom Servo. We here at SOL are proud to present our
latest breakthrough in technology: the "Lame-O-Meter".
[Mike] The "Lame-O-Meter", or LOM for short, is a small device that
attaches to your computer terminal or monitor, and is capable of
detecting lame Usenet posts _before_ they reach your display.
[Tom] With this wonderful invention, you can be finally be prepared for
those lame articles or letters that reach your site. No longer
will you have to live in fear of that next article from FidoNet!
Abian and Winston posts can be stopped cold in their tracks!
[Mike] And, the LOM was designed with flexibility in mind! You can
select one of three pre-defined ranges, or you can set the LOM to
automatically detect the proper scale to use. Crow, tell us about
the LOM's measuring system.
[Crow] Sure thing, Mike! The LOM comes with three settings, allowing
you to pick up the most sensitive as well as the most blatant
examples of pathetic articles. The first setting, called
"Fairly lame" allows you to detect as little as one or two
lame words in an entire posting. The second setting, "Pretty
lame", is intended for the average user, who merely wants
basic protection; while the third setting, labeled "Delphi",
allows your LOM to measure the total lameness of even the most
dangerous posts!
[Tom] What would you expect to pay for such an item? $10? $100?
[Mike] Well, with this special offer, you can get the "Lame-O-Meter"
for the amazingly high price of only $999.95! Don't miss
out on this special offer!
[Crow] Order now!
[Tom] Some parts, batteries, instructions, manuals, and meter not
included. Void where prohibited by law.
[Mike] What do you think, sirs?
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