The following parody of this clueless net.loon was written by me. It may be
copied and redistributed at will, provided that you do not modify, bend,
fold or mutilate it. Please leave this header and my name with the file.
"Mystery Science Theatre 3000" and its characters are (c) Best Brains, Inc.
This is done without their permission, but I hope they like it.
No warranties of any kind, expressed or implied, are given. Batteries not
included. May not be suitable for small children. Keep away from pets and
small farm animals. Do not immerse in water. Do not pass "Go", do not
collect $200. Half price admission for fish.
John Mechalas
mechalas@expert.cc.purdue.edu
john@jg.cso.uiuc.edu
71673.3041@compuserve.com
--------------------------------- Cut here 8[ --------------------------------
PC Professor Artificial Intelligence
PGM expert in men vs women
WEINTRAUBJ@delphi.com writes:
]
] RE: 1993 LOEBNER PRIZE - 12/8/93 NATIONAL UNIVERSITY, SAN DIEGO
] 1ST PRIZE: THINKING SOFTWARE, 46-16 65TH PLACE, WOODSIDE, N.Y. 11377
] FAX: 718-898-3126 PHONE:718-803-3638
] WINNING PROGRAM: PC-POLITICIAN, PC FORMAT ONLY, 3.5" DISK, $119.95
[Mike] You know, guys...this looks suspicially like someone is trying to
impress us with his radiant glory
[Tom] Oh, you mean by showing us how good he is at using the CAPS LOCK
key?
[Crow] Maybe he's just desperate for attention.
[Tom] I think he's desperate, period.
]FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE.....
[Tom] Quick! Release it! It's killing us!
] THIRD YEAR IN A ROW THINKING SOFTWARE,
[Crow] Think "America"! Think "The Future!"
[All] Think "SOFTWARE"!
] INC WINS LOEBNER PRIZE FOR
] ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE PROGRAMMING (FIRST PRIZE) - 1993 PROGRAM IS
] "PC POLITICIAN"
[Mike] PC Politician?
[Crow] Mike, why would people want politicians on their PC's?
[Tom] Yeah, I mean wouldn't that just slow down your computer?
] CONVERSES WITH 8 JUDGES ON "ARE YOU LIBERAL OR CONSERVATIVE?"
[Mike] Multiple choice!
[Crow] Liberal!
[Tom] Conservative!
[All] None of the above!
] RESULTING
] IN MOST FASCINATING CONVERSATIONS EVER WITH A COMPUTER.
[Mike] Man, he must be hard up for company.
] THE COMPETITION IS
] A LIMITED TURING TEST BECAUSE A TRUE TURING TEST WOULD
[Crow] reveal the stupidity of this whole idea.
] ALLOW CONVERSATION
] ON ANY AND ALL TOPICS (PC POLITICIAN AVAILABLE FOR PC ONLY, 386 OR BETTER
] ADVISED, $119.95)
[Tim] Advised? He gets advice from his computer?
[Mike] It must be advice from the PC politician in his computer.
] Artificial Intelligence Guru Joseph Weintraub has made it
]into Who's Who in Computing 3 times!
[Tom] Oh..._I'M_ impressed.
] Joseph, the President of Thinking
]Software, Inc. in Woodside, N.Y. wrote the first program in history
]to pass a limited Turing Test
[Mike] Oh, man, that must have hurt...
[Crow] Since when did computers have digestive tracts?
] at the Boston Computer Museum (PC Therapist),
[Tom] Yes, now _you_ can cure your own psychological problems in your
very own home! It's PC THERAPIST! The exciting new game from
"I'm a Looser" software!
]at The Cambridge Center in '92 (PC Professor), and on Dec 8th, 1993 he won
]AGAIN - FOR THE THIRD YEAR IN A ROW
[All] Inconceivable!
] with his talking
]computer program "PC Politician"
[Mike] You know, it's bad enough to hear politicians talk on TV, much less
over your computer.
] at National University in San Diego.
]His program - which convinced 5 out of 10 judges
[Tom] that he was a total _looney_...
] chatting with it in '91
]that it was a human being (!)
[Crow] They must have had really bad eyesight.
[Mike] Maybe he put the computer inside of a mannequin.
[Tom] I hear one of the judges even asked it out afterwards.
] was originally called The PC Therapist.
]Last year, he won the Loebner Prize AGAIN
[Crow] Look, he's winning again.
[Mike] Inconceivable!
] for passing the test with a
]sophisticated program called The PC Professor, which specializes in
]conversations about Men Versus Women.
[Tom] Heh..kinda brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "war of the sexes"
]($99.95, 386 or better PC).
]This years program is the PC Politician, which asks "Are you a liberal or
]conservative?" when you type "Hello" and press the enter key. ($119.95)
[Mike] Jeez! He wants $119.95 for _that_??
[Crow] Oh, man! What a rip-off!
] PC/AI Magazine said "PC Therapist is no keyword parser like
]MIT's now infamous ELIZA.
[Tim] No, it's _immensley_ more annoying! Now you can be the first
person on your block, to be run out of your block!
] PCT appears to be an unusual combination of
[Crow] Chewing gum, peanut butter, and those little black things found
in Rice Krispies.
]Expert System, natural language processor, SoundBlaster Pro Speech
]Synthesizer (in the latest version), and machine learner".
[Tom] Ah...I see you have a machine that goes *ping*...
] Now Thinking Software
[Crow] As opposed to "Then Thinking Software"
] has released The PC Therapist IV for
]your own PC......
[Mike] Yeah, but what about my neighbor's PC?
]and a speedy PC with a Color Monitor is required
]for the heavy duty word crunching that goes on behind the scenes. This
[Tom] Now, why on earth would we nead a color monitor for "behind the
scenes word crunching"?
[Crow] Special effects?
]program has a witty or whimsical personality, and will have you howling
]with laughter in no time.
[Mike] I think you've pretty much accomplished that on your own.
] Could you call this a therapy program simply
]because it makes you laugh and cheers you up?
[Tom] *Sally Struthers voice* Would _you_ like to call this a therapy
program?
[All] Sure! We all would!
] A clever
[Crow] Clever? You? Here?
] little animated bearded therapist moves his eyes and
]mouth as he talks thru your PC Speaker
[Tom] Yes, folks, now you can turn your PC into an annoying, obnoxious,
talking instrument of doom!
] ($69.00 for Manual and disk), and
]the longer you talk, the better he seems to get to know you.
[Mike] And the more you'll hate it!
] Call PC Therapist
[Tom] On evenings and weekends.
] your first real silicon buddy,
[Crow] Forget your real life! Join the world of computer-generated
foolishness!
] and if you have a SoundBlaster
]Card, be sure to add $18.95 for the smoother-talking SoundBlaster
]or SoundBlaster Pro Version.
]
] THE NEW PC POLITICIAN, WINNER DEC 8, 1993
] A witty CYBERMAN in your PC who is an expert in Politics!
[Mike] You know, I hear it's going to run for office.
[Crow] Nixon and PC Politician in '96!
] This program is a
[Crow] Really pathetic attempt at getting a date.
] MUST HAVE for all speech writers, politicians
] and professors of political science!
[Tom] Geez...who _is_ this guy?
] Also for any exec who
] just needs a good laugh and someone new to yell at!
[Mike] I think you'll do nicely.
[Crow] Yeah...why buy the program when we can laugh at the author for free!
]Is this a program a productivity booster for you guys in the corporate
]suite?
[Tom] Will John leave Mary for Jane?
[Crow] Is Sally really involved with Steve's ex-wife?
[Mike] Can Bill keep George away from Laura?
[Tom] Tune in next week for, "The Young, and the Clueless"
] Definitely!
[Mike] Absolutely!
[Crow] Positively!
[Tom] Most definitely.
[Crow] Well, probably.
[Mike] Maybe.
[Tom] Aw, hell, who are we kidding, guys?
] First of all, you can turn off his voice,
[Crow] That's great, but can you turn off the programmer?
] so your fascinating
[Mike] Uh..."fascinating"?
[Tom] I think he means "pathetic".
] conversation becomes text only and won't catch the attention
]of your secretary or co-workers.
[Tom] *whew!* That's a relief. I'd hate to think people would actually
see me _using_ this thing.
] Second,
[Mike] Minute
[Crow] Hour
[Tom] Shut up!
] your full conversation is saved to disk in the file REPORT.TXT,
[Mike] so it can serve as a reminder to the pathetic existence of your
social life.
] in standard ASCII Text format
]you can import into your favorite word processor.
[Crow] What if I don't have a favorite word processor?
[Mike] Crow...
] Then, you could
]delete the PC Politicians witty comments
[Tom] I'd much rather delete the program.
[Crow] I'd rather delete the author.
] (if desired), and your
]text would be left - to create a report, essay, short story, or
]Great American Novel.
[Mike] Setting your goals a little high, aren't you?
] Thinking Software says you can even publish
]the PC Politicians replies...................so long as you give
]proper credit. Voila! No more writer's block!
[Crow] Can you imagine an entire set of novels written by PC Politicians?
[Tom] Mike...I'm getting scared.
] Our Rating??
[Mike] This one's just too easy...
] We talked to the PC POLITICIAN for almost four
]hours......he almost never seems to repeat himself
[Crow] Does this guy have any friends?
].....and it is uncanny
]how much he is like a real Politician.
[Tom] Well, he _did_ mention it talked for hours.
[Mike] Somehow, I get the impression that C-SPAN would be cheaper.
] We found him more fun to talk to then most people!
[Crow] Is this a social comment on the program, or the development team?
[Mike] Definitely the development team.
] FIVE STARS!
[Crow] Andromeda, Sol, Ulsa Minor...
] Definitely a program that will STAY on your hard disk for years !
[Tom] Yes, like all true politicians, no matter how hard you try, you
can't get rid of it!
] PC Therapist $69....add $18.95 for SoundBlaster or Covox (specify).
] PC Professor..$99......please specify Disk size required.
[Mike] I don't want to know _anything_ about this guy's disk size.
[Tom] Mike, please...there are little kids watching.
[Mike] Sorry, Tom.
] PC Politican...$119.95.....add $5 for 2 day rush handling & Priority Mail!
] Send your check or Money Order to Thinking Software,
] 46-16 65th Place, Woodside, N.Y. 11377
] Credit Card Orders call (718) 803-3638
] or FAX (718) 898-3126
[Crow] Is it legal to mail a box of lead C.O.D.?
[Mike] I don't think so, Crow.
] WEINTRAUB SEEKING UNIVERSITY POST
[Mike] Is this thing ever going to end?
] Joseph Weintraub, three time winner of the Loebner Prize for
] Artificial Intelligence Programming is seeking a teaching
] position in Computer Science or Psychology, or Sociology.
[Crow] Obviously, the software business isn't going to well.
] Twenty Years of experience in computers, degree in Psych,
] PLUS teaching experience at Pace College and New York
] University. English language Univ. Only. Please contact him
] at Thinking Software. (718) 803-3638.
[Tom] Will you please shut up?! Just shut up!
] "PC-POLITICIAN" Talking Computer Program
] IN 1993 LOEBNER PRIZE COMPETITON
] entry of Thinking Software, 46-16 65th Place
] Woodside, N.Y. 11377 (718)803-3638 Fax (718)898-3126
] FIRST PRIZE, DEC. 8, 1993, SAN DIEGO, NATIONAL UNIVERSITY
] T H E W I N N I N G C O N V E R S A T I O N
[All] Shut up!
]JUDGE: RING RING
[Tom] Yes, avoid those embarrassing stains. New Tide Plus eliminates
ring around the collar.
]PC-POL: My dear judge, just how far did you get in school?
[Crow] Not very...the women kept slapping me.
]PC-POL: Oh, all this typing is getting to me!
[Mike] Maybe you should try a cold shower.
]PC-POL: How does that make you feel?
[Tom] Oooooo! You make me feel so _dirty_...
]PC-POL: Hello, san diego!
[Crow] Hello, sailor!
]JUDGE: Please standby, the next voice will be the Judge.
[Tom] At the sound of the judge, the time will be 2:15
]PC-POL: So who will win in conservative and liberals dancing on the
] head of a pin?
[Mike] $119 for this? Let me guess...the "makes sense" option costs
extra.
]PC-POL: Are you an old star trek fan?
[Tom] I give up...am I?
]PC-POL: Please go on.
[Mike] No...please don't.
]JUDGE: Am I comunicating with a liberal
[Crow] Can you hear me? Can you feel me near you?
]PC-POL: Hello, judge, do you lean more to the right or to the left?
[Mike] Only when standing on a hill.
]PC-POL: Can you believe this crazy competition?
[Tom] That crazy competition! What will they think of next?!
]PC-POL: Please continue....
[All] Please! Don't!
]JUDGE: Do you lean more to the right or to the left? I asked first
[Mike] Heard it!
[Tom] Seen it!
[Crow] Hated it!
]PC-POL: I am not a liberal or a conservative-i am a sit down comic
] which is sort of like a stand-up comic, but older.....
[Mike] Don't quit your day job.
[Tom] This _is_ his day job.
]PC-POL: Please continue....
[All] Shut up!
]PC-POL: Are you now or have you ever been a member?
[Crow] Ooo! This is _disgusting_!
[Tom] You know...these "Bobbit" jokes are in really poor taste...
]JUDGE: Why would a comic be interested in liberal and conservative ideas
[Mike] I don't see any comics.
]PC-POL: We want to see the headstart program expanded with free
] nutritious breakfast and lunch for every poor little kid in the
] neighborhood.
[All] *sings* Who are the people in your neighborhood?
In your neighborhood?
In your neigh...bor...hood...
]JUDGE: Don't liberals and conservatives both support Headstart? What's
] the difference?
[Mike] The spelling. Definitely the spelling.
]PC-POL: you want logic? i'll give you logic: shut up, shut up,
] shut up, shut up, shut up, now go away! how's that for logic?
[Mike] Hey, guys, it really _is_ like a real politician..
[Crow] Yeah! It avoids direct questions, dodges issues, and insults
the people it's representing.
]JUDGE: I should tell you that I'm a "coat and tie" liberal. What are
] you?
[Mike] What are you?
[Tom] I'm afraid. For myself. For all of you. I have to get away.
Isolate myself. Whatever is happening to me...it's dangerous.
]PC-POL: I must admit I am a liberal also, but not a wimp.
]PC-POL: What is your view?
]PC-POL: Please continue....
[Tom] *cries* Nooooooooooo!
]JUDGE: Why would you use wimp and liberal in the same sentence?
[Mike] Because, I'm a wild-and-craaaazy-guy!
]PC-POL: I'm sure you said I should tell you that i'm a "coat and tie"
] liberal. what are you??
[Crow] Mike! This isn't making any sense!
[Tom] Oh,..and that's a _new_ thing?
]PC-POL: You wimpy liberals are such wussies you make me want to
] torture small warm furry creatures and howl!.
[Mike] $119.95 for this?
]JUDGE: You respond very slowly for a true liberal. Since you're
] a "raw meat" liberal, let's bash conservatives for awhile.
]PC-POL: Isn't it true that most wealthy conservatives have to use
] laxatives and have lost almost all feeling in their wallets?
[Tom] And isn't it true that you went to Mr. McCauly's house on the
night of the 18th? And isn't it _also_ true that, when he would
give in to his demands, you _murdered_ him?
[Crow] I confess! I confess! I didn't expect this kind of inquisition!
[Mike] Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
]JUDGE: I don't know. I'm neither conservative nor wealthy. But they are
] very uptight, I'm told. If you jam a piece of coal up their rear, they
] pass a diamond in a week.
]PC-POL: A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and
] too fat to run.
]PC-POL: I am not as young as I once was.
[Mike] But I'm just as clueless as ever.
]PC-POL: In what way?
]JUDGE: None of us is as young as we once were.
[Crow] No! Really??
] Let's get serious. Do you
[Mike] Why start now?
] think conservatives care about people?
]PC-POL: A conservative is a liberal who was mugged the night before.
[Tom] Oh, stop! This is just too funny!
]PC-POL: Hmmmmmmmmmm......
]PC-POL: Please continue....
[All] Noooooooooooo!
]JUDGE: That is very trite. You have not answered my question: Do
] conservatives care about people??
]PC-POL: Many conservatives view people as dangerous wild animals
] who should be punished or incarcerated.
[Mike] Look closely, ladies and gentlemen. Never, ever, try this at
home.
]JUDGE: What makes a person describe himself or herself as either liberal
] or conservative?
[Tom] Speech?
]PC-POL: hi there, judge, are you a solid conservative or a liberal
] piece of fruit?
[Mike] I'll put my vote in for "fruit".
[Crow] I was thinking more along the lines of "nut".
]JUDGE: Actually, I have views that can be described as liberal or
] conservative, depending on the issue, but from your response,
] it would seem you might have a more definite position-- which are you?
[Tom] I'm definitely not definite.
]PC-POL: The liberal is like an iceberg, because up to ninety percent
] of his true belief is kept hidden.
[Crow] Is he ever going to get a straight answer out of this thing?
[Mike] The "straight answer" package is another $69.95.
]JUDGE: Why do you say that? Why would they keep their views hidden more
] than would conservatives?
[Tom] Because they are trying "not to be seen".
]PC-POL: Total insanity in individuals is rare, but in groups it
] is so common that we have named it politics!.
[Mike] Is there no end to his wit?!
[Tom] Is there a _beginning_?
]JUDGE: Amusing-- but not to the point-- Why do you say liberals keep
] 90 percent of their views hidden?
]PC-POL: Liberals are just wet pussies to scared to come out of the
] rain and demand what they really secretly want!.
[Crow] Such insight! I feel so enlightened now!
]JUDGE: Would you lean more to the Pat Buchanan conservative wing or to
] the libertarian side?
]PC-POL: Answer me one question - why are liberals portrayed as
] donkees?
[Tom] I think a more appropriate question would be, "Why are you such
a jack-ass?"
]JUDGE: I will answer your question after you answer mine?
[Tom] You will?
[Crow] I will?
]PC-POL: I am not a conservative or a liberal, I am a pot smoking
] hippy - but i never ever inhaled.....
[Mike] Such a dramatic cliff-hanger...I don't know if I can take the
suspense!
[Crow] You may not have too...look:
]
]=================================NEW JUDGE===================================
[Tom] *cries* Nooooooooooo! Mike! Please, make it stop, _please_! I
cant....I can't take it any more!
[Mike] It's okay, Tom Servo...it's time to get out of here, anyway...
1 .... 2 .... 3 .... 4 .... 5 .... 6
[The scene: Mike, Tom and Crow are standing next to their computer, and
are facing the camera]
[Mike] In line with today's advertisement, cleverly disguised as an
advertisement, Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, and I would like to
bring you the latest from the Satellite Of Love software
company.
[Tom] After minutes of research and hours of programming, we have a new
product that is sure to become the rage of the 90's.
[Crow] It's called "PC Usenet Poster", and it's available for the amazing
low price of $3999.95.
[Mike holds up the software box for display]
[Mike] "PC Usenet Poster" is the first PC-based software that automatically
generates random, clueless news articles, and randomly distributes
them to inappropriate newsgroups.
[Crow] Yes, now you can be the rage of your neighborhood and say stupid
things in public without having to type them in yourself.
[Tom] In addition to auto-generating articles, "PC Usenet Poster" comes
with a user-defineable style enhancer that allows you to modify
your post to suit your needs. The supported options include, but
are not limited to:
[Crow] One: Removingallformofpunctuation
[Mike] Two: CONVERT EVERYTHING TO UPPER CASE
[Tom] Three: Randomly mispell words.
[Crow] Four: Use improperly grammar.
[Mike] Five: Use prepositions to and a sentence with.
[Tom] Six: Insert ESSENTIAL capitalization for EMPHASIS on IMPORTANT words.
[Mike] Right now, you may be asking yourself..."Sure, Mike, Tom, and Crow..
'PC Usenet Poster' sounds great! But do people really use it?"
[Tom] And the answer is...yes! In fact, "PC Usenet Poster" has been in
testing at DELPHI.COM for several months now. In fact, chances are,
you've already _seen_ a "PC Usenet Poster" news article already.
[Mike] So you see, ladies and gentleman. The question should not be,
"Do I need 'PC Usenet Poster' for my PC", but rather, "How can I
possibly survive without it?"
[Crow] Order now! Have your credit card number ready! Supplies are limited!
[Tom] May not be suitable for young children. Keep away from pets. Do not
pass "GO", do not collect $200. Offer not valid in any state. Don't
call us, we'll call you.
[Mike] What do you think, Sirs?
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