The following parody of this famous net.loon was written by me. It may be
copied and redistributed at will, provided that you do not modify, bend,
fold or mutilate it. Please leave this header and my name with the file.
"Mystery Science Theatre 3000" and its characters are (c) Best Brains, Inc.
This is done without their permission, but I hope they like it.
No warranties of any kind, expressed or implied, are given. Batteries not
included. May not be suitable for small children. Keep away from pets and
small farm animals. Do not immerse in water. Do not pass "Go", do not
collect $200. Half price admission for fish.
John Mechalas
mechalas@expert.cc.purdue.edu
john@jg.cso.uiuc.edu
71673.3041@compuserve.com
--------------------------------- Cut here 8[ --------------------------------
REORBITING VENUS
abian@iastate.edu (Alexander Abian) writes:
[Mike] Hey, look, guys! It's Alexander's Rag Time Band!
] att: Richard PIERCE et al
[Crow] I have a feeling this is going to be painful.
[Tom] He's back! And he's _pissed_!
[Mike] _This_ time, it's PERSONAL!
] Mr. Pierce
[Crow] I see the reports of your death have been greatly exaggerated.
] I read your litanies and endless supplications and your endless
] nagging complaints concerning me and my ideas.
[Tom] And I have to admit that I've given up and will now turn to a life
of raising pigs in Iowa
] You are constantly imposing your standards of what is right and what is
] wrong scientifically,
[Crow] Stop trying to confuse me with _facts_!
] You are constantly imposing your standards what is reality and what is
] not reality,
[Mike] I'm gonna tell my mommy on you! You big...big....PARTY POOPER!
] You are constantly imposing your ideas on me by telling me what I
] must do to satisfy the scientific world, what procedures I should follow
] to make people accept my theories,
[Tom] Which procedures is he referring to?
[Crow] Oh, you know, the usual: Don't foam at the mouth when you talk,
don't rant and rave like a lunatic, don't talk to yourself in
the john...
] You are constantly telling me to give evidence,
]
] You are constantly telling me to give proofs,
[Tom] Yeah! What do you think this is? Science?!
[Mike] Those looney scientists! Always wanting _proof_!
] You are constantly nagging and nagging and nagging that my ideas
] are invalid, ridiculous, etc., etc
[Crow] Nag nag nag nag NAG!
] You are constantly lecturing me what science is, and what I should do
] and how should I behave,
[Tom] And I'm _not_ going to take it anymore!
[All] *sings* "We're not gonna take it! No, we're not gonna take it!
We're not gonna take it....anymore!"
] Now, let me tell you
[Mike] *sings* "...a little story 'bout a man named Jed. A poor
mountaineer, barely kept his family fed..."
] and let me impose upon you my ideas: that you should
] stop imposing
[Tom] Yeah! Stop imposing ideas on me so I can impose my ideas on you!
[Crow] It's _my_ turn to impose now!
[Tom] No it isn't, Crow! Now shut up!
] your standards of scientific correctness on me and just
] stop giving unsolicited advice
[Mike] When _I_ want your advice, I'll _pay_ for it!
] and stop moralizing me like a self-appointed
] mother superior,
[Tom] Well, then, how would you _like_ to be moralized?
[Crow] I wanna be moralized like he was Tipper Gore!
[Mike] Or Tip O'Neal
[Tom] How about Meldrim Thompson?
[Mike] The governer of New Hampshire?
[Tom] Well, everyone knows that nobody is farther right than
Meldrim Thompson.
] guardian of scientific methods and righteousness.
[Tom] Yes, it's Method-Man! Guardian of science!
[Crow] Defender of justice!
[Mike] Reveler of Righteousness!
] The only realistic conclusion upon reading your mournful complaints,
[Tom] When you complain, it saddens me.
[Mike] No, Tom....it saddens all of us.
] your obsessive preoccupation for putting me down is
[Mike] ..that I'm a total looney
] THAT YOU ARE SIMPLY ENVIOUS AND JEALOUS OF ME.
[Crow] Whoa! Nice comeback!
[Mike] *Sally Struthers voice* Would _you_ like to be jealous me?
[All] Sure! We all would!
] You are jealous that it I
[Tom] That it I?
[Mike] Tom, you shouldn't make fun of his speech impediment.
] and not you who advanced the most brilliant idea
] of the present and the past two or three centuries , i.e,
[Crow] Sliced bread?
[Tom] Electric snore surpressors?
[Mike] The Super Soaker 200?
] (A) TIME HAS INERTIA and EQUIVALENCE OF TIME AND MASS
[All] Huh?
] You are envious that (A) is catching people's attention
[Mike] Oh, yes....I'd just love to have this kind of attention. Wouldn't
you?
] and that it was
] created by me WITHOUT ANY EXPERIMENTATION AND WITHOUT ANY PROOF
[Crow] Always the sign of an honest scientist.
[Tom] "It's true, because I said it is!"
] THAT
] WOULD SATISFY AND CONVINCE PEOPLE WITH YOUR SCIENTIFIC STANDARDS.
[Mike] Or a 2-year-old.
] Yes, you are envious that I have given no evidence, no experimental
] verification no proof no nothing,
[Crow] I wish _I_ could make outrageous claims like this.
] and yet people are more and more attracted to (A) and find it FASCINATING.
[Tom] *William Shatner voice* What do you think, Crow?
[Crow] *Leonard Nimoy voice* I find it....fascinating.
[Tom] Recommendations, Crow?
[Crow] Set phasers on "well done"
] You are jealous that (A) without satisfying your scientific standards,
[Tom] And without satisfying my passion for chocolate
] and without passing your censorship,
[Mike] How do you "pass censorship"?
[Crow] On the freeway.
] is being considered and not being rejected by many people.
[Crow] It's not being rejected by many people?
[Mike] Nope. It's being rejected by _tons_ of people.
] You are jealous that (A) is going to be the cornerstone of the New
] Physical Theories
[Mike] Do not underestimate the power of the letter "A"!
] and it was just imagined by me without any evidence!
[Tom] Yes, folks, it's time for another round of "Imaginary Science"!
] Just imagined, just IMAGINATION and no proof !!!
[Crow] I detect a running theme, here.
[Mike] Yeah, but running _where_?
[Tom] Running out of control...
] Only a person with compulsive envy toward me would spend so much time,
[Tom] Trying to ask me out on a date.
] post so many posting in trying to put me down and to denounce and
] renounce me.
[Mike] I hereby renounce thee, fowl spirit!
[Crow] Fowl?
[Mike] I was thinking in terms of "birdbrains" at the time.
[Crow and Tom] Ahhh...
] You are imposing your ideas and your righteousness and I AM IMPOSING
] MY IDEAS AND MY RIGHTEOUSNESS,
[Mike] So there! *tphtph*
] and, one of my righteousness is that I am
] going to impose upon you that:
]
] I do not have to prove to you or to anyone else anything
[Tom] That doesn't even make sense. What kind of sentence structure
is this?
] and that you
] should accept (A) as the most righteous, most brilliant idea in the
] entire scientific world.
[Mike] For without it, we wouldn't be able to spell words like "crazy",
"lunatic", or "raving".
] Further I impose my idea upon you (as you are
] constantly imposing your ideas)
[Tom] With a tinge of garlic and a smattering of lemon juice.
] that you should accept that:
]
] (B) THERE IS EQUIVALENCE OF TIME AND MASS, BECAUSE I SAID SO !
[Crow] *bzzzzzzzt!* Seen it!
[Tom] Hated it!
] Well, if you impose your standards and ideas upon me, I am imposing my
] standards and my ideas upon you by reiterating that:
[Mike] Whoa...what an incredible sense of deja' vu...
] You should accept:
]
] (C) TIME HAS INERTIA, EQUIVALENCE OF TIME AND MASS, REORBTING VENUS
[Tom] Is there a connection between these three?
[Crow] Is there a connection between _any_ of this?
[Mike] Now come on, guys...this sounds really important. I mean,
time having inertia and mass...that's a heavy concept.
[Tom] It brings whole new meaning to the phrase "time flies"
[Crow] Like a banana?
[Mike] No, Crow, those are "fruit flies".
] without any proof or evidence . You constantly impose your standards, your
] righteousness upon me, Now, it is my turn to impose (A),(B) and (C) upon you
] and impose that you should accept them without any proof - that is my
] imposition of my righteous ideas.
[Tom] You know guys, I just finally realized how redundant this all is.
] YOU MAY QUOTE (C) as many times you want.
[Mike] Or you may not. Tune in next week when we'll hear Nurse Piggy say:
[Tom] "Doctor Bob! This patient's time is running out!"
[Crow] "I see the problem, nurse. There's a hole in his watch!"
] I love to see it quoted, it
] inflates my ego and make me feel secure.
[Mike] It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside!
[Crow] It makes me feel like a big man!
] I have the same conviction about the righteousness of my ideas that you
] have of yours!! And, my proof is "I say so "
[Tom] Hello, I'm with the Department of Redundancy Department.
] It takes an analytic open mind
[Mike] Not just _any_ open mind.
] to observe that any proof in the last analysis
] boils down to "I say so" - proof or no proof !
[Crow] Actually, I'd say it takes more like rudimentary reading skills.
] IMAGINATION IS THE ESSENCE THE REST ARE DETAILS !!
[Tom] Small, _insignificant_ details.
[Crow] Like facts.
[Mike] I've had enough of this, guys...let's get out of here.
1 ..... 2 ..... 3 ..... 4 ..... 5 ..... 6 .....
[Tom] You know, Mike, that was the most pathetic flame I've ever read.
[Crow] Not to mention the way he defended his theories. Very lame!
[Tom] Where do people come up with things like this, Mike?
[Mike] Well, guys, I have to admit that I agree with you. Though the
origin of this kind of thinking does in fact have a very
distinguished history.
[Crow] Does it really? Please tell us about it, Mike!
[Tom] Yes, Mike. Enlighten us with your infinite wisdom!
[Mike] Uh, right.... Well, it all started back in the days of Chicken
Little, when he tried to prove that the sky was, in fact, falling.
[Tom] Chicken Little?
[Mike] That's right, Tom Servo: Chicken Little. You see, he was
ridiculed for his ideas, too, but he stood firm behind his belief
that the end was near. The falling sky was a prophecy...a fore-
shadowing of things to come.
[Crow] But was the sky _really_ falling, Mike? Did his vision come true?
[Mike] Well, he never really _proved_ that the sky was falling, but he
was right: the end _was_ near. He was hit by a truck.
[Tom] While trying to get to the other side?
[Mike] No...I think you're confusing Chicken Little with the Chicken that
Wanted to Cross the Road.
[Tom] Ahhh....
[Mike] So you see, he didn't have to _prove_ that the sky was falling
in order to predict the end. All he had to do was _say_ it was
falling, and then it all sorta...fell into place.
[Crow] Any more puns like that, and it _will_ be the end for us.
[Tom] Oh, you're just bitter, Crow.
[Mike] Knock it off, guys. The Doublemint Twins are calling. What do
you think, sirs?
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