The following parody of this famous net.loon was written by me. It may be
copied and redistributed at will, provided that you do not modify, bend,
fold or mutilate it. Please leave this header and my name with the file.
"Mystery Science Theatre 3000" and its characters are (c) Best Brains, Inc.
This is done without their permission, but I hope they like it.
No warranties of any kind, expressed or implied, are given. Batteries not
included. May not be suitable for small children. Keep away from pets and
small farm animals. Do not immerse in water. Do not pass "Go", do not
collect $200. Half price admission for fish.
John Mechalas
mechalas@expert.cc.purdue.edu
john@jg.cso.uiuc.edu
71673.3041@compuserve.com
--------------------------------- Cut here 8[ --------------------------------
Efficient Electric Car
mel@rottweiler.ece.nd.edu (Melvin Gladstone) writes:
[Crow] Mike! He's back! He's back!
[Tom] It's MEL! Hey, Mike, it's Mel!
[Mike] I knew I should have stayed in bed this morning.
]Recent study and investigation have led me to
[Tom] completely wrong answers.
]a new idea for
[Crow] a useless news posting.
[Mike] Crow, be nice! This sounds important.
]an efficient electric car.
[Mike] Never mind.
]Currently, electric cars rely on
[Tom] electricity.
]large batteries to power the motor
[Crow] I thought they were for the stereo.
]without making any attempt to recover wasted energy. One improvement would
be the addition of an alternator to the motor.
[Mike] Oh, *I* get it guys! Use electricity to generate electricity!
[Tom] Will someboday tell me why *I* didn't think of that?
[Crow] Because you're an idiot.
[Tom] Oh, yeah...
]This would supply some additional electricity to relieve
[Crow] the bladder
]the drain on the battery, but it would also be a drag on the engine.
[Mike] Man! That idea is such a drag!
]It's like when the alternator dies on a conventional car,
[Tom] its death diminshes every one of us.
]the battery goes dead real fast.
[Crow] This is one of those murder-suicide things, isn't it?
]Also when you turn up the fan really high and stuff the alternator
[Mike] He must be one hell of a taxidermist.
[Tom] I have a bunch of them on display in my room.
[Crow] Taxidermists?
[Tom] Shut up, Crow.
]puts a drag on the engine. The same thing would happen
]in an electric car.
[Tom] I think the solution here is simple: don't put a fan in the
electric car.
[All] But what about the stuff?!
]My solution is to connect the alternator to the wheel.
[Crow] The steering wheel?
]This way you'd get the battery saving effect
[Mike] without those pesky odors!
]without putting a load on the motor. Now, I realize people will
]at this point trot out various laws of thermodynamics and state
]triumphantly "your idea won't work."
[All] *triumphantly* Your idea won't work!
]Secure in their ignorance of physics they
]will return to their world defined by the large oil corporations
[Crow] That's a pretty shallow flame.
[Tom] It lacks pizzaz. It lacks _feeling_!
[Mike] It lacks _imagination_!
[Crow] It lacks clues.
]and happily pay $1000/week for gas,
[Mike] Wow...these guys must be driving around the world or something.
[Tom] Is that possible?
]content that GM and Big Brother
[Mike] Big Brother?
[Tom] GM?
[Crow] McCloud?
]are developing a real electric car for them.
[Crow] Those fake electric cars just kill me.
[Tom] Aren't forklifts electric cars?
[All] *sings* He tri-i-i-i-ed to kill me with a forklift!
]This in spite of the fact that car makers and oil corporations and
]Big Brother are in league.
[Mike] And lions and tigers and bears. Oh my!
[Tom] Yes, folks, baseball and automobiles _don't mix_.
]I know that the car will not be a perpetual motion machine.
[Crow] Su-u-ure you do.
]I am not stupid.
[Mike] This is what we call "dramatic irony".
]With careful design, however, 100% can be approached
[Tom] 100% what?
[Crow] Cluelessness.
](though never reached due to quantum effects.)
[Tom] Yep...there are those quantum effect thingies again! Damn, I
hate them!
]Eventually, the efficiency will be such that only a small battery,
]e.g. a C-cell, will be required.
[Tom] Batteries, however, are not included.
[Crow] Some assembly required.
[Mike] Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
]In fact, a rechargeable C-cell may be used which will get recharged
[Mike] Oh, I get it! The rechargeable battery will be recharged!
]during dynamic braking.
[Tom] Heh heh..."more assembly required".
[Crow] No, Tom, that's "braking".
[Tom] Oh.
]Since the alternator
[Mike] is, by nature, alternating
]can only recover energy from the wheels, another efficient method
]will be required to power the stereo and headlights. A solar panel
]on the roof would probably suffice.
[Tom] Wait a minute...if we need to use the lights, then wouldn't a
solar panel be kinda useless?
[Crow] Stop confusing the issue with facts.
]Feel free to diseminate this idea and make comments.
[Mike] I think "disintegrate" is a better verb.
]They can't stop us if everyone knows.
[Tom] I'm confused, Mike. Who's "They"?
[Mike] They're like "Them", only meaner.
[Tom and Crow] Ohhh!
]Melvin M. Gladstone
1 ..... 2 ..... 3 ..... 4 ..... 5 ..... 6 .....
[The scene: Tom and Crow are working on a sailboat when Mike walks in]
[Mike] Hey, guys, what are you up to?
[Crow] Hi, Mike! We came up with a great new idea for an electric sailboat!
[Tom] Yeah! We'll make millions on this one!
[Mike] An electric sailboat? Isn't that kind of self-defeating? I mean, the
whole idea of a sailboat is to travel on wind power.
[Crow] We know that, Mike, but what about those times when there's no wind?
With our electric sailboat, you can still sail without any wind at
all.
[Mike] You mean you have a motor in the back of the boat? I think it's
already been done.
[Tom] Oh, please, Mike! We're not _stupid_. Our electric sailboat doesn't
have a motor. It has a _giant fan!_
[Crow] Yeah! You see, when the winds die down, you simply raise the fan
behind the sail, and turn it on. Then you'll have plenty of wind
for sailing!
[Mike] Well...I have to admit that it's an original idea. But it doesn't
sound very efficient. I mean, what powers the fan?
[Tom] Electricity. We run the fan with electricity.
[Crow] That's what this big windmill is for.
[Mike] You're going to put a windmill on the sailboat?
[Tom] Well it wouldn't do much good in my basement, now, would it?
[Mike] I dunno, guys. This sounds pretty shakey to me. I mean, how do
you power the windmill if there's no wind?
[Crow] We're still working on that part.
[Tom] I wanted to use a hamster and an exercise wheel, but there aren't
many hamsters up here in space.
[Mike] There's not any wind, either. Hey...Donnie and Marie are calling.
What do you think, sirs?
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