The following parody of this famous net.loon was written by me. It may be
copied and redistributed at will, provided that you do not modify, bend,
fold or mutilate it. Please leave this header and my name with the file.
"Mystery Science Theatre 3000" and its characters are (c) Best Brains, Inc.
This is done without their permission, but I hope they like it.
No warranties of any kind, expressed or implied, are given. Batteries not
included. May not be suitable for small children. Keep away from pets and
small farm animals. Do not immerse in water. Do not pass "Go", do not
collect $200. Half price admission for fish.
John Mechalas
mechalas@expert.cc.purdue.edu
john@jg.cso.uiuc.edu
71673.3041@compuserve.com
--------------------------------- Cut here 8[ --------------------------------
STOP DISASTERS ON PLANET EARTH
abian@iastate.edu (Alexander Abian) writes:
[Mike] Oh, no...Madame Alexander is back.
[Crow] Don't be so negative. It may be interesting!
[Tom] Are you kidding? This is an Abian post. We're in for one of
the most painful experiences of our lives.
] Every year for the past five billion years the planet Earth is tortured,
[All] TORTURE!
]tormented and inflicted with cataclysmic disasters of all sorts :
[Tom] Joan Rivers?
[Crow] Ricky Lake?
[Mike] Flavorless jello?
[Tom and Crow] Huh?
]devastating floods, devastating earthquakes, devastating brutal freezing
]weather,
[Tom] So...what is it that you're trying to _say_ here?
]devastating scorching infernal heat, devastating tornadoes,
[Crow] There's something familiar about those adjectives...
[Tom] When Carl Sagan goes _bad_.
[Mike] DEVestating and DEVestating events!
] storms, typhoons and cyclones.
[All] Oh, my!
] During the past five billion years there was not a single day, not a single
]hour
[Crow] They measured time in _seconds_.
]that somewhere on the planet Earth there were no disasters of climatic,
[Tom] What's "climatic"?
[Mike] I think it's like the StairMaster, only cheaper.
]geological, ecological or epidemic nature
[Crow] Aaaah! Nature! It's spreading!
]inflicting extreme miseries and suffering on human beings.
[Mike] Humans have been around for 5 billion years?
] Bacterial and viral disease,
[All] Oh, my!
]regardless of the progress in medicine are becoming more and more
]recalcitrant and spreading their fatal homicidal
[Tom] Fatal homicide?
[Crow] Large giants!
[Mike] Smelly odor!
]effects with augmented aggression and violence
[Mike] Oh, I get it! They're agressive _and_ violent!
] - evidenced by the global spread of cancer, AIDS etc., etc
]
] Nothing, but nothing short of actions of cosmic scale can stop
[Tom] "...me from posting to this group."
]these perennial calamities.
[Mike] I grew those in my garden back home.
] No traditional methods can stop these perennial disasters.
[Crow] Well, you could try posting less often.
] I have raised my voice in the past,
[Tom] I want to sing _soprano_!
] I am raising my voice right now
[Mike] Can you hear me? Can you feel me near you?
]at present and reiterating that
[Crow] "...I'm a total loon."
] SHORT OF ACTIONS OF COSMIC SCALE there could be
[Mike] You know, when we take it out of context, this line doesn't make
any sense.
[Tom] Like it did _before_?
]no other way to stop, to prevent these fatal disasters
[Crow] I thought they were fatal homicides?
[Mike] That was the evening shift.
]from inflicting our planet Earth with indescribable suffering, pain
]and distress.
[All] But what about TORTURE?!
] Some drastic alteration of the Cosmic parameters of the Earth should be
]proposed and implemented.
[Mike] Are you making this up as you go along?
] Altering the orbit of the Earth, altering the Tilt of the Earth,
[Tom] No one will be admitted during the terrifying "altering" sequence.
]bringing some other planets
[Tom] It's a BYOP party
]or moons closer to Earth.
[Crow] What?! But...you're already _on_ the Earth!
[Mike] He said "moons", not "loons".
[Crow] Oh.
] Reorbiting Venus, reshuffling the planets
[Tom] After every deal
] should be seriously considered.
[Crow] And then discarded.
] Enough of five billion years
[Mike] Enough of this, I say! I vanquish thee!
]of slavish surrender to the criminal celestial parameters of the planet
]Earth.
[Crow] I'll teach you! _I'M_ moving to _Pluto_!
]It is time to accept that the alteration
[Mike] "...makes me look baggy around the hips."
] of Cosmic parameters of the Earth is the only solution.
[Tom] The only solution to _what_?
] Astronomers,
[Crow] "...kiss my--"
[Mike] Crow!
[Crow] Sorry.
]physicists, astrophysicists, space scientists,
[Crow] That's three, three, THREE "ists" in one!
] mathematicians,
[Tom] "...hear me roar!"
]how long are we going to speechlessly
[Mike] What does he mean by "we"?
[Crow] Yeah! Since when has Abian been speechless?
]tolerate and surrender to the criminal, murderous, homicidal
[Tom] I thought they were "fatal homicidal"?
[Mike] That was the day shift.
] celestial parameters of the planet Earth ?
[All] What about TORTURE?!
] How long ?
[Mike] That's a rather personal question, don't you think?
]How long are you going to stand by with bowed heads and crossed arms
[Crow] ...and open mouths
[Tom] ...insert feet.
]in a state of total inaction
[Mike] As opposed to _partial_ inaction.
] and take all the whippings and all the lashings of the natural disasters?
[Crow] I've been a ba-a-a-a-a-d boy!
] I raised my voice, I raised my fist of defiance,
[Tom] All right, all right! You can go to the bathroom!
]I suggested and proposed to alter the cosmic parameters of our planet Earth.
[Mike] "It was my idea! Mine! You can't have it! It's mine!"
]Use your imagination, consider projects, consider practical ways to alter
]the disastrous cosmic parameters of our planet Earth.
[Tom] You know guys, I just realized how _weird_ this whole thing is.
]Do not reject my proposals,
[Mike] What's the matter? Gonna _cry_, baby?? Huh? Are you?
] do not surrender
[Mike] *sings* "...and never surrender! Never sur-rend-der-r-r-r!"
]to the criminal orbit and the Tilt
[Tom] Luke! Luke! Use the Tilt, Luke!
] of the planet Earth. Change them.
[Mike] Okay! My afternoon's free...
]alter them , reshuffle them.
[Crow] And deal me in on the next round.
] Do not let the corrupt calamitous status quo of the celestial organization
[Tom] Let's see how many $.50 words we can put in one sentence.
]continue to inflict excruciatingly painful suffering on human beings.
[All] Don't forget TORTURE!!
] On my part, I hope I succeeded at least to instill the acceptance of the idea
]of altering the Cosmic parameters of the Earth.
[Mike] Try again
] Now it is your turn to implement it.
[Tom] I'll drink; you drive.
[Mike] Isn't that the title of Ted Kennedy's autobiography?
]----------------------------------------------------------------------------
]TIME HAS INERTIA. EQUIVALENCE OF TIME AND MASS: (1/T)+(1/log M) = 1 (ABIAN).
[Crow] Seen it!
]ALTER EARTH'S ORBIT AND TILT - STOP EPIDEMICS OF CANCER, CHOLERA, AIDS, ETC.
] VENUS MUST BE GIVEN A NEAR EARTH-LIKE ORBIT TO BECOME A BORN AGAIN EARTH
[Tom] I _knew_ he was making it up as he went along!
[Mike] You said it, Tom. Let's get out of here...
1 ..... 2 ..... 3 ..... 4 ..... 5 ..... 6 .....
[Tom] You know, Mike, I have to admit that I just don't understand this
theory. Can you explain it?
[Crow] Yeah, Mike, please explain it. How can tilting the Earth do things
like cure cancer and stop the spread of AIDS?
[Mike] Well, guys, it's all really very simple. The first thing you have
to understand is that the Earth is really flat, and not a sphere.
Then, you gather together all the diseased people on the planet
along the rim of the world, and then tilt it so that they all fall
off the edge.
[Tom] That's ridiculous! It sounds like something you'd find in a Terry
Pratchett novel! You don't actually believe this stuff, do you?
[Mike] Well, Tom Servo, sometimes it helps to have something to believe
in. There's a lot to gain from this theory, too.
[Crow] Like what?
[Mike] Well, Crow, you don't have to limit yourself to just the Earth's
tilt. By playing with the other parameters, you can change almost
anything you want. For example, if we spin the Earth fast enough,
we can make everyone dizzy...
[Tom] I don't believe this.
[Mike] ...and if you want to extinct the human race, all you have to do is
flip the Earth over and everyone will fall off. Then you can just
start over again with the other side.
[Crow] If there is a God, do you think s/he has a giant pancake spatula?
[Tom] Hey! That's really deep, Crow! God, flipping the Earth, cooking
both sides until it's done!
[Mike] And I thought Clarence Thomas was wacky....Whoops! Chauncy and
Edgar are calling. What do you think, sirs?
[MST3k is copyright Best Brains, Inc. This is done without their permission,
but I hope they like it.]
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