The following parody of this clueless net.loon was written by me. It may be
copied and redistributed at will, provided that you do not modify, bend,
fold or mutilate it. Please leave this header and my name with the file.
"Mystery Science Theatre 3000" and its characters are (c) Best Brains, Inc.
This is done without their permission, but I hope they like it.
No warranties of any kind, expressed or implied, are given. Batteries not
included. May not be suitable for small children. Keep away from pets and
small farm animals. Do not immerse in water. Do not pass "Go", do not
collect $200. Half price admission for fish.
John Mechalas
mechalas@expert.cc.purdue.edu
john@jg.cso.uiuc.edu
71673.3041@compuserve.com
--------------------------------- Cut here 8[ --------------------------------
COMMERCIAL FREE TV!!!!!!
mehran@atlanta.emna.slb.com writes:
]I have some great news for TV fans
[Mike] Let me guess...you'll never be on television
[Crow] That _would_ be great news.
]who record their favorite programs on VCR
]to watch later.
[Tom] I record my programs so I can watch them _ahead_ of time.
]Would you like to watch all your recorded programs withouth
]any commercial interruption?
[All] Sure! We all would!
]If the answer is yes, continue to read.
[Crow] What if the answer is "no"?
[Tom] Be afraid...be very, very afraid.
]There is a new device that you hook up to your VCR,
[Mike] so you'll know where it is at all times.
]and when you watch the pre-recorded video tapes,
[Tom] As opposed to what? NON-recorded tapes?
]it skips over the commercials. Instead you will see
]a pleasant blue screen for 1-2 seconds
[Crow] Does this _please_ you? Do you find me _pleasing_?
]and then immediately back to the program.
[Mike] Tense alert! Call in the grammar police!
]The VCR does record the commercial, but on the play back skips the
]commercials entirely.
[Tom] Gee, that's useful.
]The device is called Commercial Brake
[Mike] And I liked it so much, I bought the company!
] and retails for $199
[Crow] $199?? I can hit "fast forward" for free!
]but for a limited time it can be obtained for $179.
[Tom] Oh! Big savings! Bite me, pal!
] If you are interested in getting Commercial Brake,
[All] Don't watch them!
] drop me a line and I will tell you how to get it.
[Tom] Can we drop you off a building instead?
[Mike] Now, Tom, let's be nice here. He's doing us a great service
you know.
[Crow] How? By leaving?
[Mike] Well, that too... Speaking of which, let's do the same....
1 ..... 2 ..... 3 ..... 4 ..... 5 ..... 6 .....
[Mike] In light of today's commercial advertisement, cleverly disguised
as an advertisement, we here on the Satellite of Love would like
to take this time to inform you of this new amazing product,
available from SOL Manufacturing, Inc.
[Tom] *holds up box* This amazing new product, which plugs into your
computer or terminal, is called "Moron-Free", and can be used
to filter out Usenet postings from complete idiots.
[Crow] Yes, now you can make your newsreader moron-free, and save yourself
precious seconds by automatically skipping articles from clueless
net.idiots.
[Tom] Instead of having to read their drivel, you are presented with a
pleasing black screen for 1 or 2 seconds, before skipping to the
next article.
[Mike] Yes, it sounds too good to be true, but with our latest break-
throughs in technology, article filtering is just a snap! Your
"Moron-Free" can even be custom-configured to weed out the following:
[Tom] (1) Articles cross-posted to every newsgroup
[Crow] (2) Articles posted individually to every newsgroup
[Mike] (3) ARTICLES POSTED IN ALL CAPS
[Tom] (4) Commercial advertisements
[Crow] (5) Postings from FidoNet
[Mike] (6) Anything from Robert McElwaine, Melvin Gladstone, or Abian
Alexander
[Tom] How much would you pay for this incredible device? $100? $1000??
[Crow] Well, through this special introductory offer, you can get
"Moron-Free" for the amzing low price of $19995.99!
[Mike] Act now! Don't hesitate! With this device, you'll never have to
waste precious miliseconds pressing the "n" key on your newsreader!
[Tom] To order, place your name, address, and method of payment on a
3" x 5" index card, crumple it up, and throw it away.
[Crow] Disclaimer: "Moron-Free" is not suitable for small pets, children,
or adults. Keep away from hot, cold, and room-temperature
environments. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Some assembly
required. Instructions, directions, and battery not included.
[Mike] What do you think, sirs?
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