The following parody of this famous net.loon was written by me. It may be
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fold or mutilate it. Please leave this header and my name with the file.
"Mystery Science Theatre 3000" and its characters are (c) Best Brains, Inc.
This is done without their permission, but I hope they like it.
No warranties of any kind, expressed or implied, are given. Batteries not
included. May not be suitable for small children. Keep away from pets and
small farm animals. Do not immerse in water. Do not pass "Go", do not
collect $200. Half price admission for fish.
John Mechalas
mechalas@expert.cc.purdue.edu
john@jg.cso.uiuc.edu
71673.3041@compuserve.com
--------------------------------- Cut here 8[ --------------------------------
A BORN AGAIN EARTH - VENUS
]From: abian@iastate.edu (Alexander Abian)
[Crow] Why do the loonies always come out at Christmas time?
[Mike] It must be all the eggnog.
]I have received many e-mails, air-mails, telephone calls, faxes, even telegrams
[Tom] And I wish people would just stop it.
]from all over the world
[Mike] I wonder if anyone sent him business cards.
[Crow] Or "get-well" cards.
] asking me why do I think that:
[All] "Why do you think that?"
] (1) "Putting Venus in an Earth-like orbit will make Venus a born again Earth"
[Tom] Is this anything like a born again Christian?
] and
] (2) How do I propose to accomplish the above.
[Crow] With a very big crowbar.
]First, I have to mention
[Tom] That I've soiled myself.
]that the first step in the entire issue of (1) is
]the acceptance of the idea that the present setup of our Solar system
[Mike] Does not meet up to OSHA standards.
]must not be taken for granted and must not be considered as an optimal setup
]which is above any criticism, challenge or defiance.
[Tom] Oh, you'd _LIKE_ that, wouldn't you?
]As I have
[Corw] Foolishly
]mentioned in the
]past, a 5 billion year old any system
[Tom] Mike, what's an "any system"?
[Mike] Poor sentance structure.
]is definitely decadent, putrid and corrupt.
[Crow] Hey! Keep the US government out of this!
]In particular, the cosmic parameters of our planet Earth
[Tom] "Our" planet Earth? Who else is it going to belong to?
]and specifically the orbit and the tilt of the Earth are responsible for ever-
]present natural disasters,
[Mike] I guess that explains all those people falling off the edge of the
world.
]relentless epidemics of diseases
[Tom] So, if we were to stand on the side of a hill, would we be more or
less resistent to disease?
]and especially for nurturing and sustaining the brutally cruel deadly
]viruses of diseases such as AIDS. etc.
[Crow] I hear that people in orbit are now part of the "high-risk" group.
]Second, It seems that the leaders of the human race on the planet Earth
[Mike] What other humans are there?
]will not consent (as they put it) "to mess around with Mother Nature"
[Crow] Hey! What a cool line for a commercial!
]out of fear of the uncertainties of the consequences of changing the Cosmic
]parameters of our planet Earth.
[Tom] So instead, we'll just change the laws of physics!
]So, the most logical, intelligent and rational thing to do is
[Mike] To quit while you're ahead.
[Tom] heh. Too late.
]to get hold of a planet of Eartrh's physical characteristics
[Tom] Oh, right! Bite me, pal!
]and put that planet in a near Earth like orbit
[Mike] Of course! It's so simple!
]the details of whose orbit and tilt (and consequently its overall
]ecology) will be decided by us.
[Crow] WE are in control.
]As a result we will have a Newly born Planet Earth, much healthier and 5
]billion years younger than our present Planet Earth.
[Mike] And, it won't stick to the pan.
]We should consider ourselves unbelievably lucky, undescribably fortunate that
]in our Solar System there is a planet which is the twin of our Planet Earth.
[Tom] Sounds like a double date, guys!
]It is incredible, indeed incredible !.
[All] "That's Incredible!"
] I am almost convinced that in our Milky Way galaxy, at least within several
]billion billion miles,
[Crow] Carl Sagan!
]there is no Planet populated by homosapiens.
[Tom] Except, of course, Earth.
]Definitely none in our Solar System, since in our Solar System The Planet
]Earth and its orbit are UNIQUE. Now it is a fortuitous fact that there is a
]physical twin of the Earth, namely Venus.
[Mike] Except for the fact that it's smaller and less massive, with a different
atmospheric composition and westward rotation.
[Tom] These two planets are exactly alike. Especially this one.
]It would be utterly unpardonable and arranly inexcusable,
[Crow] Inconceivable!
] if we miss the rare opportunity
[Tom] Rare? Try "unique", pal.
]not to create a second planet Earth from its
]twin which will be ready for the occupation by us the homosapiens.
[Mike] Me homosapien. You Jane.
] The Earth and Venus are twins,
[Crow] If they're twins, how come I don't see them in gum commercials?
]Astronomically one can say that Earth and its twin Venus were simultaneously
]conceived in the Cosmic Uterus but Earth had a Longitudinal lie in the Cosmic
]Uterus and had a natural birth, whereas its twin Venus is still in the Cosmic
]Uterus in a Transverse lie .
[Mike] Venus is a breech baby?
[Tom] Any hopes that I had of understanding this guy have just vanished.
] It is up to us , up to our miraculous technology to perform a Cosmic
]Cesarian section and deliver Venus into an Earth-like orbit!
[Crow] The solar system is pregnant?
[Mike] I hear they make over-the-counter tests for these kinds of things.
]We should not allow the twin of our orbit Earth to remain in a Transverse lie
]in the Cosmic womb and die of pulmonary hypoplasia and hypoxia.
[Tom] Hoo-boy...he's *really* flipped now.
]We must rescue Venus, the twin of our planet Earth, from its Celestial
]predicament by altering its orbit and delivering it to an Earth-like orbit.
[Crow] And no funny business, or you'll never see the moon alive again.
] This brings me to item (2) and I ask you Astronomers, Astrophysicists,
]Physicists, Space Scientists and Engineers how to accomplish the altering
]of the orbit of Venus? How ?!.
[Tom] I give up. How?
] Please post suggestions. The orbit of Venus must be changed.
[Mike] It blocks my view of Mercury.
]Forget about going to Venus and installing some reflectors
[Tom] Just forget it!
]or going to Mars and living under hermetically sealed tents.
[Crow] Mars: The campground of the _future_!
]Putting Venus in an Earth-like orbit is the way,
[Mike] *Sally Struthers voice* Would _you_ like to put Venus in an Earth-
like orbit?
[All] Sure! We all would!
]the only way, the only solution to create a Born Again Planet Earth.
]
] Please post suggestions how to accomplish altering the orbit of Venus
]for the benefit of many, many people all over the world who are interested
]in this subject and are eagerly waiting for suggestions and guidance.
[Tom] Let's see...including you, that makes one...
] Thank you. Alexander Abian.
[All] You're welcome!
[Mike] C'mon, guys...let's get out of here...
1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 .....
[Mike] What do you think, sirs?
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