The following parody of this famous net.loon was written by me. It may be
copied and redistributed at will, provided that you do not modify, bend,
fold or mutilate it. Please leave this header and my name with the file.
"Mystery Science Theatre 3000" and its characters are (c) Best Brains, Inc.
This is done without their permission, but I hope they like it.
No warranties of any kind, expressed or implied, are given. Batteries not
included. May not be suitable for small children. Keep away from pets and
small farm animals. Do not immerse in water. Do not pass "Go", do not
collect $200. Half price admission for fish.
John Mechalas
mechalas@expert.cc.purdue.edu
john@jg.cso.uiuc.edu
71673.3041@compuserve.com
--------------------------------- Cut here 8[ --------------------------------
WARNING!!! Big Brother is HERE!!!!
mel@rottweiler.ece.nd.edu (Melvin Gladstone) writes:
[Tom] You know, when Robert McElwaine left, I thought we were gonna run
out of experiments.
[Mike] Who's Robert McElwaine?
[Crow] You don't want to know...
]In an effort to gain access to the homes of millions of Americans,
[Tom] People everywhere have started installing "doors"
[Crow] Tonight's episode, "Use the DOOR.."
]the FBI, CIA, and NSA
[Mike] in combination with the PTA, NBA, IOU, and FTP
]have collaborated on a scheme which will
[Tom] win the hearts and minds of millions.
]finally bring to fruition George Orwell's nightmare scenario.
[Crow] Pigs?
]American citizens
[Mike] I guess foreigners living here don't count.
]will be the unwitting accomplices in this plan
]as they purchase new televisions and bring them into their
]livingrooms and *bedrooms*.
[Tom] People everywhere should be warned against bringing strange TV's
into their homes!
]I'm speaking of the CC decoders that
[Crow] Carbon copy?
[Mike] Comedy Central?
[Tom] It's all these things, and more!
]have secretly been mandated by law.
[Tom] But unfortunately, it was so secret, that no one was ever told
about it.
]These decoders supposedly
]provide captions to TV shows for the hearing impaired, but in
[Crow] Uh...shouldn't that be "auditorily challenged"?
[Mike] No, Crow, he's talking about "CC", not "PC"
]fact they are also rebroadcasters which will allow the gov.
]to spy on anyone they want.
[Tom] Because, as everyone knows, the everyday lives of Americans are
filled with excitement, glory, and wonder!
]The television already comes with everything necessary to be
]a spying apparatus.
[Mike] Some assembly, however, is required.
]Speakers are essentially no different than
]microphones
[Crow] Though we don't recommend talking into one.
]and therefore can be used to pick up sounds in the
]room.
[Tom] Heh heh...kinda brings a whole new meaning to "carrying a tune",
doesn't it?
[Crow] Or "holding a conversation"!
[Mike] And "pick-up lines"!
]The infrared eye which detects the remote control
[Mike] is trying "not to be seen".
]signal also receives an infrared picture of the room, especially
]detecting heat sources like people.
[Tom] And lions, and tigers, and bears!
[All] Oh my!
]Thus, all that is needed is
]a way of gathering this information
[Tom] Of course! It's all so clear now!
]and relaying it to the government.
[Crow] Carrier pigeons! The *technology* of the *future*!
]The little understood "Decoder" is the solution.
[Mike] Uh...could somebody please tell me what the problem is?
]The congress has recently passed a Law (in virtual secrecy)
[Tom] As opposed to "real" secrecy.
]that requires all new TV's to have the "Decoder." This is
]claimed to be for the benefit of deaf people but that is
]obviously a smoke screen.
[Tom] Obviously! Because as everybody knows, no one really cares about
deaf people!
]How we know the congressional law mandating the "Decoder" is not
]for the deaf:
] 1) Legitimate CC decoders are already available for TV's.
[Mike] Oh, now you should leave their family history out of this!
] 2) The law doesn't cover other things, like telephones,
[Crow] Which, of course, are identical to the television in function and
practice.
] which are obviously in the same situation w.r.t. the deaf.
] 3) There is no law requiring that shows even be broadcast with
] closed captions, only that the TV have the "Decoder".
[Mike] Why does he keep putting that word in quotes?
[Crow] Dramatic effect?
[Tom] More like dramatic irony...
]Clearly we see that there is no real justification for mandating
]decoders other than for gathering intelligence.
[Mike] Clearly!
[Crow] Yep, *real* clear.
[Tom] Well, sorta, anyway.
[Mike] I guess it really isn't that clear is it?
[Tom] Nope.
]How to deal with the decoder:
[Tom] Don't let it push you around! Show it that *you're* the boss!
]simply removing the decoder will not
]be an option
[Mike] But isn't it our right to choose?
]because it will undoubtedly be integrated in such a way
]that the television will not function without it.
[Crow] It's up to medical science to create articial decoders.
[Tom] Couldn't they try a decoder transplant?
]Also, if you open
]the TV to get at it, you will void the warrenty
[Mike] What's a "warrenty"?
[Tom] I think he means "warranty".
[Mike] You know, it's pretty sad when someone thinks voiding a warranty
is more important than privacy.
]and then when you
]get it fixed, they will just replace the "Decoder" without telling.
[Tom] Of course! All TC repairmen *love* working for free!
]The best way to avoid the "Decoder" is to avoid it
[Mike] The best way to avoid it is to avoid it?
[Crow] Well, that makes sense.
[Tom] It's not exactly *enlightening*.
]by not buying any new TV's.
[Tom] Now...when he says "new", does he mean "brand new", or "new to
the situation"?
[Mike] If this was in Spanish, we wouldn't have that problem.
]This will be made difficult by the predictable
[Crow] Seen it!
[Tom] Hated it!
[Mike] Predicted it
]introduc-
]tion of High Definition Television soon after the "Decoders" are
]on line.
[Mike] I didn't realize that HDTV was so dependant on "decoder technology".
]In this way you will be forced to buy a new TV because the
]old one will not get HDTV.
[Crow] This guy makes HDTV sound like a channel.
[Mike] "Honey, could you adjust the antenna? HDTV isn't coming in!"
]When HDTV is made a standard by the govern-
]ment, the old style sugnal will not be allowed to be broadcast on the
]grounds that it interferes with the HDTV.
[Tom] First it's a channel, now it's an entity!
[Crow] Serve the HDTV! The HDTV is your friend!
]This is all to force people to buy new TV's with the "Decoder".
[Mike] *bzzzzzzt!* Seen it!
]When you find yourself with a TV equipped with the "Decoder" there
[Tom] There are those quotations again..
]are several things you can do to protect yourself.
[Crow] Keep it on a leash!
[Tom] Don't feed it after midnight!
]First, don't put the TV in your bedroom, this is where the government is most
]interested in spying.
[Mike] Wow. Those guys in the government must really be hard up.
]When not watching, push the antennas all the way in or disconnected
]the cable.
[Tom] Interested forms of tense you have using in your sentences.
]Unplugging the TV will not help
[Crow] unless its on fire.
]because the "Decoder" will use passive broadcasting to continue
]sending its signal.
[Mike] With what? "Free energy technology"?
]Also turn the volume down when not watching.
[Crow] Of course! This one makes *perfect* sense! Turn down the volume
so *they can't hear us*!
]When you watch the TV,
[Tom] Keep a good eye on it, and make sure it doesn't make any sudden moves.
]place a candle or other heat source to confuse
[Mike] Heat-seeking missiles.
]the infrared EYE.
[Crow] The EYE!
[Tom] The eye!
]Don't say anything secret or get undressed near the TV.
[Mike] Those zany government people! Peeping Toms, they are!
]Don't be seen smoking near the TV.
[Crow] What if the house is on fire?
]I hope this post is not censored before reaching you
[Tom] Well, now, it's be pretty damned effective to censor it *after*
it's reached us!
]because this is very important to us all. Warn you families.
[Tom] Remember these names! Know these people!
]I don't know how much longer I will be allowed to keep my account afetr this.
[Mike] Yeah, right. After all, Usenet is a highly structured, rigorously
policed community.
]Please do not keep copies of this article in your files unless you
]delete the header.
[Tom] Truly the sign of a man who stands behind his opinions 100%!
[Mike] I've had enough of this...let's get outta here...
6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...
[Mike] What do you think, sirs?
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