COMPARATIVE RELIGION (As seen on a door at U.C. Davis)
Agnosticism How can we know if shit happens?
What is this shit?
You can't prove any of this shit..
It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
Amish Shit is good for the soil.
This modern shit is worthless.
Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
Atheism Sheeit.
I don't believe this shit.
It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it.
Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.
No shit!
Avoidanceism With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.
Bahaism Why do you keep shitting on us?
Baptism We'll wash the shit right off you.
You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
Buddhism If shit happens it is not really shit
If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
Shit will happen again to you next time.
Bushism Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.
This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
Calvinism Shit happens because you didn't work hard enough.
Cannibalism Don't eat the shit
Capitalism Sell that shit.
Charismatic Catholicism: Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.
Catholicism Shit happens because you are BAD.
If shit happens, you deserve it
Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.
Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.
Our shit will take care of itself.
Shit it in your mind.
Science Shit is in your mind.
Clintonism I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....
Communism All this is bull shit!! Shit happens to all of us.
Confucianism Confucius say, ``Shit Happens''
Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY."
Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.
Denialism What shit?
Dianetics "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)
Energizer Bunny: Shit happens and keeps going and going and going and...
Environmentalism Shit is biodegradable.
Episcopalianism: If shit happens, hold a procession.
Est You're responsible for all the shit that happens.
I am at cause that shit will not happen.
Evangelical Send us all your shit.
Existentialism What is shit anyway?
Fatalism Oh shit, it's going to happen!
Fetishism I love when shit happens.
Freudianism Shit is a phallic symbol.
Fundamentalism Shit happens, but don't publish it.
There's no shit in the Bible.
Greek Orthodox Shit happens, usually in three's.
Hare Krishna Shit Happens, Rama Rama (Ding Ding).
Please this flower and buy our shit.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Hedonism There's nothing quite like a good shit.
Hinduism I`ve seen this Shit before.
This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
This shit happening IS you.
Islam If shit happens, take a hostage.
If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
We don't take any shit.
Jehovah's Witnesses Knock Knock, ``Shit Happens.''
Here, we insist you take our shit.
Shit happens door to door.
No shit happens until Armaggedon.
There is only a limited amount of good shit.
JimJonesism This Kool-Aid tastes like shi...
Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us?
Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?
Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?
Lutheranism Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
Masochism Do shit to me!
Moonies Only happy shit really happens.
Mormon This shit is going to happen again.
Our shit is better than your shit.
Shit happens again & again & again ...
If shit happens, shun it.
Crap happens (you can't say shit in Utah)
Mysticism This is really weird shit.
Nation of Islam Don't take no shit.
New Age Were all part of the same shit.
For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.
That's not shit, it's feldspar.
A firm shit does not happen to me.
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
I create my own shit.
If shit happens, honor it and share it.
Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
Nihilism Shit doesn't mean anything. Let's blow this shit up!
Nixonism This kind of shit never happened. If it
happened I don't know anything about it.
Orthodox St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.
Paganism Shit happens for a variety of reasons.
Perotism I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.
Protestantism Let the shit happen to someone else.
Shit won't happen if I work harder.
If shit happens, praise the lord for it!
Rajhneesh Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.
Rastafarianism Let's smoke this shit.
Hey, this is good shit, mon.
Rationalism I shit, therefore I am.
Reaganism I can't remember whether this shit happened or not.
Religion from an Atheist's point of view:
I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.
Repressionism I'll hold this shit in forever.
Rosicrucianism What is this AMORC shit?
Sadism I will shit on you!
Satanism We hope bad shit happens to all of you.
We will make your shit happen.
Scientology All this happens to be shit.
If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Seventh Day Adventist No shit on Saturdays.
Shamanism Whoaa...Holy Shit!
Shintoism You inherit the shit of your ancestors.
Sikhism Leave our shit alone
Southern BaptistShit will happen. Praise the lord.
Stoicism This shit is good for me.
Sureshism You are all pieces of shit.
Taoism Shit happens.
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.
Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening.
Twelve Step Shit happens one day at a time.
Unitarianism What is this Shit?
It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.
We affirm the right for shit to happen.
Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
Vegetarianism If it happens to shit, don't eat it.
Voodooism This shit's gonna get you
Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
Let's stick some pins in this shit!
Wicca The Goddess makes shit happen.
If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
Witchcraft Mix this shit together and it will happen
Zen What is the sound of shit happening?
Zoroastrianism Shit happens half the time.
SHIT HAPPENS
in other various ways
-----------------------
Yuppie Shit It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?
An Employer Shit happens, and rolls down hill.
An Employee I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?
This shit's not part of my contract.
Environmentalism Shit is biodegradable.
Heisenbergism Shit happened, we just don't know where.
Quantum Shittydynamics Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.
Einsteinism Shit is Relative.
Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law:
Relatives are Shit.
Washington I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.
Lincoln Four score and seven shits ago...
Nixon Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything about it.
Reagan Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap.
Quayle Whye doe peopl treate mee lik shite?
Clinton I didn't inhale this shit.
I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....
Bush Read my lips: no more shit!
Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.
This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
Perot I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.
McCarthyism Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?
Martin Luther King Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...
Julius Caesar I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)
John Paul Jones I have not yet begun to shit.
James Tiberius Kirk:
... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!
Computer Science There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt
Macintosh (Enough said)
UNIX/C: A core dump... Shit!
IBM/DOS It's shit, but at least it's compatible.
Communism It's everybody's shit.
Marxism The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike.
Dictatorship of the shit.
Capitalism Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.
Cannibalism Don't eat the shit.
Vegetarianism If it happens to shit, don't eat it.
Hedonism There's nothing quite like a good shit.
Stoicism This shit is good for me.
Existentialism Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
Shit happening is absurd.
Realism I think I need to take a shit.
Denialism What shit?
Purism If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.
Procrastinationism I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.
Avoidanceism With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.
Repressionism I'll hold this shit in forever.
Fatalism Oh shit, it's going to happen!
Surrealism Fish!
Moilanenism Smells like shit of finnish fish.
Nihilism Let's blow this shit up!
Fetishism I love when shit happens.
Masochism Do shit to me!
Sadism I will shit on you!
Freudianism Shit is a phallic symbol.
===================================================================
SHIT HAPPENS
according to the Philospohers
-------------------------------
Thales Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit
Epicurus If shit happens, enjoy it.
Socrate What is shit? Why is shit?
Aristotle The essence of shittyness...
Descartes I think, so why am I in this shit?
I shit, therefore I am.
Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire):
The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.
Thoreau I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out of life.
Sartre Shit is meaningless!
What is shit, anyway?
===================================================================
SHIT HAPPENS
in various professions
------------------------
Mathematician Shit happening is just a special case...
Statistician There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.
Physicist To within experimental error, this is shit.
Engineer I hope this shit holds together.
Chemist I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!
Biologist Is this shit alive?
Economist I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.
Beurocrat I'm sorry, but we can't do this shit until you fill out form XJ- 314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub- Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...
CEO (1980's) I've got all the shit I want.
(1990's) Oooh, SHIT!
Lawyer For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.
Doctor Take two shits and call me in the morning.
Yes, it's definitely a case of shit. $99.95, please...
Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?
Psychologist Shit is in your mind.
Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.
Programmer It's shit, but at least it compiles.
Social Scientist Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...
Politician It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
If you elect me, there will never again be shit.
Shit is bad for the economy.
Waitress You want fries with that shit?
Musician This shit is out of tune.
Dean Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.
Accountant Why doesn't this shit add up?
Linguist What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.
(For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)
Quality Control Inspector This shit ain't good enough.
IRS Auditor I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.
Farmer I get subsidies for my shit.
Union leader Give us more shit or we'll strike.
Mafia boss Rub the shit out.
NYC Cab Driver Damn, looks like I hit that shit...
===================================================================
THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS
for Sanitation Engineers
------------------------
0th: There is shit.
1st: You can't get rid of it.
2nd: It gets deeper.
3rd: A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking.
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