]]psyre@netcom.com (David S. Jones) writes:
]]You know you're a red-neck when you have 5 cars that are
]]immobile and house that is! 8^)
]]A friend told me this one and I liked it so I thougt that I must pass it
]]on so someone else could get a laugh!
]tms@cfc.com writes:
]You might be a redneck it you lack the necessary grammatical
]instruction to tell a "You might be a redneck" joke correctly.
]Try: You might be a redneck if you have five cars that don't move and
]a house that does.
Have you heard that one so often that you get it right, even in your sleep
Todd?
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About a year ago, I saw a comedian named Jeff Foxworthy. He did a comedy
special, and part of his act was about rednecks... He had a list of things,
that if true, may mean that you were a redneck.
I've spent the last 8 years, either in the Air Force, or working for them,
and have many friends of the `southern persuasion'. We constantly slam each
other with friendly little quips, and one of my favorites, is to pick on
them being `REDNECKS'... Jeff Foxworthy's show gave me lots of good material
to start off with, and I have come up with many of my own... what follows
is a Canonical list of what I can remember from his act, as well as my own
contributions, and those I've skimmed off the net... If you have any others,
Please send them to me, I will post them periodically with all updates...
THERE ARE CURRENTLY 102 ITEMS ON THE LIST.... hit `n' now if you don't
want to see them....
Thanx...
jeff@lonex.rl.af.mil
CANONICAL LIST OF
YOU'RE PROBABLY A REDNECK IF ....................
1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
3. You've ever used lard in bed.
4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
6. There is a stuffed opposum anywhere in your house.
7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
8. Fewer than half of your cars run.
9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the
State Trooper to kiss her ass.
10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".
11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive
tongue gestures.
12. You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin
Sue-Ellen to walk by.
13. Your family tree doesn't fork.
14. Your hairdo has never been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
17. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
18. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
19. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
21. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit"
was snubbed for best picture.
22. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of
ketchup.
23. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
24. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
25. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
26. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
27. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
28. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
29. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
30. Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
31. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
32. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are
you looking at, Shithead?"
33. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
34. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
35. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!"
or "HEY!" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
36. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
37. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on
the lube rack.
38. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
39. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
40. You've been too drunk to fish.
41. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
42. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
43. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
44. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
45. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
46. If your riches relative invites you over to his new home to
help him remove the wheels.
47. If you've ever financed a tattoo.
48. If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
49. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
50. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
51. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
52. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
53. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
54. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
55. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
56. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those
Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
57. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
58. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
59. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
60. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
61. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
62. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
63. You barbecue Spam on the grill.
64. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good
time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
65. Redman sends you a Christmas card.
66. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
67. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
68. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
69. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
70. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia
on My Mind".
71. You call your boss "Dude", on a regular basis.
72. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made
it in prison.
73. You have been fired from a construction job because of your
appearance.
74. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
75. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
76. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
77. The biggest fasshion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the
4-H Fair.
78. You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.
79. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
80. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
81. You mow your lawn and find a car.
82. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting
on shoes (if you have them) and a jacket.
83. You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you
only need to buy one gift.
84. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the
South will rise again.
85. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
86. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
87. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
88. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
89. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid
flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
90. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your
truck.
91. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
92. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and
a flashlight
93. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
94. You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left
arm below the shirt sleeve...
95. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
96. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a
baseball hat.
97. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
98. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
99. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one
what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
100. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
101. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the
Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry
about is if you can loose them or not.
102. You know you're a red-neck when you have 5 cars that are immobile and
house that is!
WARNING: IF TWO OR MORE OF THESE ARE TRUE ABOUT YOU.... YOU ARE A
REDNECK, AND SHOULD SEEK CIVILIZED HELP IMMEDIATELY...
Thanx To:
wildcat@niwot.scd.ucar.EDU (Wes Wildcat)
tjbowman@ingr.com (Tony Bowman)
anon152b@nyx10.cs.du.edu
joeshmoe@world.std.com (Jascha Franklin-Hodge)
gt0603f@prism.gatech.EDU (Douglas A. Harrell)
kevin@cook.tivoli.com (Kevin Schell)
druffner@cymbal.aix.calpoly.edu (Djinn Ruffner)
kai@ramsey.cs.laurentian.ca (Kai Arnold)
DUNNTM@UCBEH.SAN.UC.EDU
dupree@uhcl4 (KATHY DUPREE)
messina@engin.umich.edu (Matt Messina)
ccwhite@students.wisc.edu (Chris White)
psyre@netcom.com (David S. Jones)
and special thanx to
Jeff Foxworthy who did the first "You Might Be a Redneck"
_/_/_/_/ _/_/_/ _/ _/ !jeff@lonex.rl.af.mil or ish@RLCN.RL.AF.MIL
_/ _/ _/ _/ !Disclaim: We regret to inform you that jeff's
_/ _/_/_/ _/_/_/ !opinions are his own. No one would share them!
_/ _/ _/ _/
_/_/_/ _/_/_/ _/ _/ TpSmoFT (tm)
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