BAD KITTY!
This is a list of phrases cat owners should get their naughty pets to write
on a blackboard a la Bart Simpson. If you could get them to write...
Send more suggestions to Harold Reynolds, harold@atm.dal.ca
First posting: September 20, 1993. Latest update: November 15, 1993.
NOTE: As of November 1, this list will be posted every two weeks (or so).
A * indicates additions/changes from the previous posting.
A. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs,
shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord.
2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30
a.m., bed at night, TV
3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new
speakers, wallpaper, window screen
4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return,
the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table,
big people's shoes, bathtub
5. I will not climb the [xxx].
Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls
6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.
Tissues, my toy mouse, the houseplants, half-digested food
7. I will not hide [xxx].
Pens, curlers, or housekeys under the carpet.
8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.
Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, houseplant, human's
toes, baby, human
9. [xxx] is not cat food.
Chocolate, bananas, pizza
10. [xxx] is not a bed/litter box.
The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the
people's wedding, piano strings, mommy's sock drawer.
11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.
The paper coming from the printer, the newspaper, Mummy, open milk cartons,
toilet paper, pantyhose, paper clips, human's toes, the produce ripening
on the kitchen counter, Q-tips.
12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].
Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher.
From: jzs@genrad.com (John C. Stomieroski)
13. I will not jump onto the [aaa] to knock over the [bbb] or I will be [ccc]
(if they can ever catch me, that is).
aaa - fireplace mantel, counter top, window box, entertainment center
bbb - wedding album, vases, dishes, houseplant, curios
ccc - scolded, locked in the basement, shot, punted, terrorized
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(These are jokes! I only THINK of doing these things. God, how I think
of these!
B. Others
1. My human's penis is NOT a toy. (See Robin Williams, Live at the Met!)
2. Wastebaskets do not have toys in them.
3. The black animal with white stripes is not a plaything.
4. My singing does not provide cultural enrichment.
5. I will not wake my human up at 3 a.m. for breakfast.
6. I will not play "find the mouse" on the bed at midnight.
7. Night time is a good time to *sleep*.
8. The closet is a bad place to go to sharpen my claws.
9. I will not track kitty litter all over the apartment.
10. I will not jump on the break key when my human is on the modem.
11. I will not faithfully chase the cursor around the screen.
12. I recognize that you brought that other cat home as a friend for me and not
as a target of guerrilla attacks.
13. I will not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
14. I will not peel and eat the raw potatoes you have in the basement.
15. I will not throw up on highly absorbing surfaces.
16. The human's food is not meant to be shared with me.
17. I CAN eat a variety of different kinds of cat food.
18. I will not unroll all the toilet paper off the roll.
19. Other cats' food belongs to *other* cats.
20. The dog food belongs to the dogs.
21. Mummy's face is not a pillow.
22. Mummy's earlobes are not treats.
23. Mummy's hair is not dental floss.
24. Mummy's students' papers are not prey.
(silly students... they want to know why they get teethmarks back with
their comments...)
25. I am not transparent: I shouldn't sit in front of the TV screen.
26. The doorjambs are not made for climbing.
27. We do not kill our prey in the house.
28. We do not leave bits and pieces of our prey on stoves, beds and kitchen
counters.
29. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
30. I will not sprawl on the papers my human is trying to mark.
31. I will not jump to the top of the refrigerator and then projectile vomit all
over the kitchen. (My former roommate's cat did this on a regular basis.)
32. I will not use my female human's chest as a springboard.
33. I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
34. The toilet paper does not exist so that I can shred it into little bits.
35. The other cats are not chew toys.
36. The piano is for humans to play.
37. The toilet is not a good place from which to drink water.
38. A silk dress is not to be pulled off its hanger and used as a nest.
39. If I don't eat all the kibbles at once, I won't barf later.
40. I will not lay on my human's face in the middle of the night.
41. I will not snitch dinner from the humans.
42. If I get in the shower while it's running, I will get wet.
43. I will not claw a hole in the sofa/box spring to make a nest.
44. People cannot see me on the floor when they are making the 3 AM bathroom
run or have an armload of groceries.
45. I do not need to be spoon fed.
46. The bed is not a WWF wrestling ring.
47. I will not turn off the answering machine when I play, which greatly upsets
my human and destroys her already impared social life.
48. I will not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking my butt.
49. I will not toss my poop out of the litterbox and play hockey with it.
50. I will not lie down with my butt in the human's face.
51. I will not knock over the stacks of CDs.
52. I will not call someone on the phone. (Yes, this happened. 1) Step on the
speaker button 2) Step on speed dial button)
53. I will not (hang up the phone|press the buttons) when the human is on the
phone.
54. I will not press the reset button on the computer.
55. I will not walk on the keyboard.
56. I will not step on the (volume control|channel changer|power button) on the
(stereo|VCR|TV) remote. (I make sure they point away from the item in
question to avoid this after the stereo started getting really loud
seemingly on its own one morning.)
57. I will not knock things off the coffee table so I can lie down more
comfortably.
58. I will not ask (to be fed|to be petted|to go out) when the humans are making
whoopee.
59. I will not leap from great heights on to my seated human's genital region.
60. The vacuum cleaner is my *friend*.
61. I will not lie down and purr in the path of advancing cars.
62. Rottweilers are not to be f**ked with.
63. Fast as I am, I cannot run through closed doors.
64. I will not jump off the ceiling fan when daddy comes home and turns it on!
(I have NO idea how he got up there!! It scared the S**T outta me)
65. I will no longer hurl plants off the window sill onto my mom's head in the
early hours of the morning.
66. I will not balance my 25 pound body on my human's full bladder.
67. I will not put my paw under a moving sewing machine needle!
(Thank god my "mommy" wasn't using pink thread, she wouldn't have been able
to find the thread to pull it out of my paw.)
68. I will not hide under the clothes on mommy's dress form and then try to use
the item as a scratching post and scratch my mom.
69. I will not put my tail/paws in places where they can be stepped on.
70. I will show remorse when I'm being scolded.
71. I will not attack another cat while his/her head is sticking out of the
litter box.
72. I will not sneak up behind my human so that when he turns around he either
trips or twists his ankle when trying to avoid stepping on me!!
73. I will not wait until my people have visitors before I go and get a tampon
from its box and bring it downstairs to kill it.
74. I will not drink the bathwater while my human is taking a bath!
75. I will not try to dig to China from my litter box.
76. I will pee in the litter box, not on the bag with clean litter in it.
77. I will not bother mommy when she's practicing her suture patterns.
78. The other cat does not like it when I play with her tail.
79. I will not head butt the control pad/joystick when the human is 10 seconds
away from completing a game after 2 hours work, when on his last man.
80. I will not use my human to hide behind in hide and seek.
81. I will not harass the gerbils/hamsters/guinea pigs.
82. I will not bat every toy I own under the couch and then meow until someone
comes and gets them (at 3 a.m.) for me.
83. My human's car and house keys are not toys and are certainly not something
he wishes to play search-and-find when he is late for work.
84. I will not jump on the kitchen counter and make off with the roast beef
(or the roast chicken).
85. Twenty pound kitties should not climb to the top of small trees and cause
them to bend in half.
86. The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in
its bowl.
87. I will not have urine wars with the new cat in the house on the kitchen
counter.
88. I will wait until my master's bird-loving girlfriend leaves before bringing
in a half-dead, still chirping, baby bird.
89. I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as
my master is explaining to the bird-loving girlfriend how graceful I am.
90. I will not get on the roof, meow frantically, then claw my master as he
tries to rescue me with a ladder.
91. I will not lie on my master's girlfriend's chest with my butt in her face.
92. I will not use car windshields as slides when I have muddy feet.
93. I will not knock my toys under the refrigerator.
94. I will not swim in the toilet/bathtub/dirty dish water.
95. I will not climb my human's leg to get tuna fish.
96. I will not sleep on my human's head.
97. I will not sleep under the blanket on the couch so that people sit on me.
98. I will not reset my human's alarm clock by walking on it.
99. I will not climb on top of the garbage can with the hinged lid, as I will
fall in and trap myself.
100. I will not get stuck in rolled up newspapers.
101. I will not stalk my neighbor's cocker spaniel and scare it half to death.
102. I will not round up my neighbour's sheep.
(Hard to believe, but earlier this year I found N.D.F., one of our big
black and white males, had rounded up one neighbour's flock of fifty sheep
into a corner of their paddock. He didn't seem to know what to do with
them next, so I left him to it...)
103. I will not put my lovely new rabbits foot in Mummie's roller pan when it
is filled with nice pink paint AND expect her to throw it for me so I can
fetch it.
104. I will not interfere with the broom when my human is sweeping the floor.
105. I will not sink my claws into Mom's shoulder to get better traction for a
jump.
106. I will not knock pennies off the nightstand at 3 AM in order to get
Mom's attention.
107. Mom's dirty undies belong in the laundry pile, not in the middle of
the living room floor or next to my food dish.
108. Mom will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that.
109. I will not jump on the toilet seat just as my human is sitting down.
110. Now that I'm neutered, I will no longer chase and mount the spayed female
cats.
111. I will not play the game "tiger attack" when mommy is weeding the garden.
112. I will not steal mom's pendant and hide it under the pillow.
113. Pipe cleaners are for pipestems and are not kitty toys.
114. Bundles of pipe cleaners are not Santa's gift bag.
115. I will not raid the ashtray for used pipe cleaners.
116. I will not steal the scrubpad from the sink and drag it all over the
house.
117. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt
to catch them.
118. I will not knock the area rugs all over the hardwood floor.
119. I will not upset the recycling bin all over the kitchen floor.
120. I will not remove all the nifty shiny things from the jewelery box on
top of the five-foot tall clothes dresser.
121. Mommy's breasts are not pillows that need fluffing.
122. The living room is not a jungle gym with walls and curtains to be climbed.
123. I will cover my "presents" in the litter-box.
124. I realize that the house is not a prison, from which to escape at any
opportunity.
125. I will not trip mommy or daddy on the way to the kitchen, even if they are
walking too slow.
126. Open windows are not meant to be jumped out of.
127. Morning wake-up calls for breakfast will be more polite.
128. I won't be grumpy anymore when being moved from the toilet lid ... my
favorite place to nap.
129. Scratching posts were meant to be used, not laughed at.
130. The vet is a friend.
131. Christmas ornaments are not toys.
132. Lit candles can burn me if I get too curious.
133. I realize that you are not trying to get away from me when you close the
bathroom door, so I won't open it [especially] when we have guests.
134. I will not zip out the front door when the delivery man comes and the
house guest answers the door, and then is forced to run all over the
neighborhood chasing the 'cat on the run' in her house coat.
135. I will not attack whatever dog comes innocently sniffing around the
bushes at the front of the house.
136. I will not use the nicely carved kitchen table leg or the kitchen drawers
as my scratching post.
137. I will not go to the linen closet to do my washing up when I come muddy
and wet from my outing.
138. I am not an alarm clock and am not obligated to wake the humans.
139. I don't ALWAYS have to be the centre of attention.
140. The roof is not a racetrack for cats (or crows).
141. My human does not need rescuing from the bath.
142. Taking a bath is not dangerous for my human.
143. The doctor on a housecall does not need assistance. His bag is not the
perfect hiding place.
144. A loaf of unbaked bread is not my pillow (ours once slept on the dough
made into bread and left to rise on the kitchen counter).
145. The outer windowsills, on floors 3 and above, are not good playing
grounds. (Ours fell down 4 floors, limped a couple of days afterwards).
146. My human and her friends can sing without my assistance (a Siamese wailing
is quite something.)
147. Having my claws trimmed is a good thing and doesn't hurt, so I shouldn't
struggle.
148. I will not lick at the faucet to encourage my human to turn on the
drinking water.
149. I will not demonstrate my intelligence by playing with the alarm clock
and a) turning on the alarm in the middle of the night, b) turning off
the alarm so my human doesn't wake up, c) changing the time. If I do
this, my human will be angry, not impressed.
150. My human is a good gardener, and the plants do not need extra fertilizer.
151. I will not chew the corners off my human's books/comics.
152. Looking adorable after misbehaving will not negate my crime.
153. I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder
(with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly
in. (My eldest cat has done this for *years*...)
154. The cockatiel *likes* to be left in his cage.
155. The cockatiel cage is not an indoor tree.
156. Walking around the house with cockatiel feathers in my mouth is not funny.
157. Running down a ladder head first is a silly thing to do. (Again, my
eldest cat has done this for years too, and often misses a rung and ends
up hanging onto one rung with her front paws with the rest of her
swinging in the breeze.)
158. The German Shepherd is not to be ridden on or attacked at random.
(Again, my eldest did this for years, until the dog died...)
159. The bed is not "home free."
160. I will not jump off the top of the cat tree onto the bed and/or its
occupants.
161. No matter how much I rub against it, the squirt gun is not my friend.
162. If I beg for food I will eat it.
163. I will not try to taste the gerbils when Mom is holding one.
164. Fish that jump out of the tank are not toys.
165. Snakes do not taste good.
166. I will play with the humans when they want, not when I want.
167. I will not fight over the catnip.
168. I will not steal the other cat's toys.
169. I will not destroy a toy the first time I play with it.
170. There are better ways to "punish" the human than whizzing on something.
171. I will not play "Charge of the Light Brigade" with the other cat in the
hallway at 3 a.m.
172. I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
173. I will not ignore my new toy only to suddenly find it interesting at 3 AM.
174. I will not leap onto visiting grandmother's shoulders by catapulting
myself from the back of a chair after getting a running start from across
the room. (Yes, my cat actually performed this circus stunt, almost
sending my grandmother into coronary care)
175. I will not open the window coverings and cause the unclothed human to
flash his/her neighbors. (The little scamp likes to play on the window
sill with the vertical blinds and has done this to me.)
176. I will not scoop the water from my bowl (and wonder why my paw is wet!)
177. I will allow the human to get back to sleep after he goes to the bathroom.
178. I will not pull dirty socks out of the laundry basket and a) leave them
artfully scattered around the house when my Mom brings guests home, or
b) soak them in my water dish and leave them on my Mom's pillow.
179. I will not shred the kitchen sponge all over the carpet.
180. I will not chew holes in the bags of clean kitty litter and spread it on
the floor.
181. Vases of flowers are not food.
182. I will not shred the Bad Kitty List when my human (it's creator!) leaves
it lying on his desk.
Many thanks to the following contributors:
Harold Reynolds harold@atm.dal.ca
rde@ukc.ac.uk (Bob Eager) violet@bnr.ca (Debbie Nunn)
Jamie J Ferguson kkv@inel.gov Matt Thompson [shazam@unh.edu]
mfaville@waikato.ac.nz (Marty) howells@MIT.EDU (Nancy Howells)
Adam Beneschan [adam@irvine.com] Paul Fahn [fahn@CS.Stanford.EDU]
ALUKKA@luoti.lut.fi (Anita Lukka) Debbie Schwartz [das@halcyon.com]
npm@netcom.com (Nancy P. Milligan) John C. Stomieroski jzs@genrad.com
Elisabeth Riba [lis@cs.brandeis.edu] Karen.UREL@mac.dev.upenn.edu (Karen)
hendrix@acpub.duke.edu (Amy Hendrix) Julie Kangas julie@eddie.jpl.nasa.gov
gw18@prism.gatech.edu (Greg Williams) arteaga@cs.UMD.EDU (Santiago Arteaga)
sclark@epas.utoronto.ca (Susan Clark) annet@microlithics.com (Anne Threston)
rogers@calamari.hi.com (Andrew Rogers) krissie@kaiwan.com (krissie griffiths)
jil@donuts0.bellcore.com (Jamie Lubin) ehlen@tecsun1.tec.army.mil (Judy Ehlen)
Paul.Osmond@med.umich.edu (Paul Osmond) Didi Pancake [ehp@poe.acc.virginia.edu]
Lynne Nishihara [VECTR01Q@VAX.CSUN.EDU]
lm03@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (LINDA E. MUCKEY)
Heather Kalisiak kalisiak@cs.buffalo.edu
ccd@ccadfa.cc.adfa.oz.au (Carol C Denehy)
"Christopher Palma" [cpalma@astro.psu.edu]
Lucinda Rasmussen [lrasmuss@PICA.ARMY.MIL]
ramirez@julia.math.ucla.edu (Alice Ramirez)
lisa sheard [LSHEARD@MIAMIU.ACS.MUOHIO.EDU]
levine@symcom.math.uiuc.edu (Lenore Levine)
dlh5069@venus.tamu.edu (HEDRICK, DANIEL LEE)
Becky Birchmeier [REBIRCHM@zebu.cvm.msu.edu]
Sonja_Chichak@mindlink.bc.ca (Sonja Chichak)
feldman@manowar.crd.ge.com (Sandra F Feldman)
karens@lobster.sid.mcet.edu (Karen Schlosberg)
IO10381@MAINE.caps.maine.edu (Ruth Desjardins)
Gary Koerzendorfer [garyk@hpsidjar.sid.hp.com]
Christopher Lee Bates [IO20807@MAINE.MAINE.EDU]
Alison Rosenstengel [checkers@jhunix.hcf.jhu.edu]
Colleen_Penrowley@mindlink.bc.ca (Colleen Penrowley)
Erica Nielsen [enielsen@undergrad.math.uwaterloo.ca]
"Paul J. Ste. Marie" [pstemari@satori.well.sf.ca.us]
Cheshire Cat/Leslie Devlin [kikun@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu]
hksru@usho82.hou281.chevron.com (Kathie Rupert-Wayne)
RENE ZANDBERGEN [rzandber%esoc.bitnet@utcc.utoronto.ca]
mlopusha@slate.Mines.Colorado.EDU (LOPUSHANSKY MICHAEL JAMES)
news@its.csiro.au Organization: CSIRO ITS (Catkin - Australia)
From: Sonja_Chichak@mindlink.bc.ca (Sonja Chichak)
| \_/ |
| o.o |
==( _ )==
-U-----U-
---[-@
Life is what happens when you're making other plans
BAD HUMAN!
This is the reverse of the "Bad Kitty!" list. That is, what would your cat(s)
make you write on the chalkboard after committing a "crime"?
Send your suggestions to harold@atm.dal.ca.
NOTE: As of November 1, this list will be posted every 2 weeks (or so).
First posting: October 8, 1993. Last Update: November 1, 1993.
1. I will not laugh when my master chases her tail.
2. I will be ready to play whenever my master is.
3. I will not let my master in/out "when I feel like it".
4. There must always be food in my master's dish.
5. I will graciously accept the wildlife offerings from my master.
6. I will watch where I put my big feet.
7. I will not fuss when my master is patrolling the table/kitchen counter/
dresser for prey.
8. I will not chase my master with the awful noisy vacuum cleaner.
9. I will supply my master with toys and will not begrudge him if he decides
to find some new ones on his own.
10. I will not move my master no matter where she decides to sleep.
11. I will share any can of tunafish that is opened.
12. I will not make fun of my master's weight.
13. I will not stick my finger in master's mouth when she yawns.
14. I will keep the master's litter box as clean (cleaner than) the human's
bathroom.
15. I will be sure that my masters are comfortable in bed, only then will I
arrange myself around the available space.
16. I will provide only the choicest morsels for the master's bowl, not
poultry scraps.
17. I will take thousands of pictures of my masters, and show them
to everyone I ever meet.
18. When my master is sleeping on some portion of my anatomy, I will not
disturb him or her by getting up to attend to such mundane matters as
answering the telephone or going to the bathroom.
19. I will not complain when my master steps on the break key, or settles
down on the computer keyboard.
20. I will not come home smelling of other cats or (even worse!) dogs.
21. I will not move my hand while my master is busy washing it.
22. I will change my masters' litterbox at the first sign of stink, not
when they have to get the point across by whizzing on the comforter.
23. I will gladly roll onto my other side when my master paws me on the cheek
at 3:30 am so she can "snuggle."
24. I will not "fraternize" with other cats.
25. I will not assume my master is done reading the newspaper just because
she/he is no longer looking at it or just because I am done with that page.
27. I will not assume my master doesn't like whatever is in the can I am
opening.
28. I will not surprise my master my kissing her while she is sleeping.
29. I will not brush my master when he jumps up on my lap just to be petted.
30. I will not spike my master's food with medicine.
31. Attempting to hide catnip from your master is useless, so don't bother.
32. I will not ignore my master's signs to tell me when to start/stop petting,
cuddling, playing, etc., no matter how subtle they are.
33. I will not talk on the phone when my master wants me stare at her and
talk nicely to her.
34. I will not answer the phone when I come home if I haven't fed my master yet.
35. I will *not* pet my master while she's taking her bath!!
36. I *will* feed my master on demand. I will *feed* my master on demand.
I will feed my master on *demand*.
37. I will not talk on the phone unless my master gets a chance to say "hi".
38. I will get an ice cube and throw it on the floor whenever my master
requests one.
39. I will share the spicy bean dip with my master.
40. I won't shove my master out of the middle of the bed.
41. I will not weigh Taboo.
43. I will retrieve all the foil balls and toys from under the sofa and
refrigerator each and every day.
44. I will change the litter at least once per day.
45. I will feed my master all he can gorge.
46. I will *not* go to work and leave the kitties alone all day.
47. I will leave the lingerie drawer open so that my master may strew my undies
around the apartment for his amusement.
48. I will not close the bathroom door thus separating myself, however
momentarily, from my master.
49. I will let the kitties play with the hamster.
50. I will not place my *insignificant* belongings on the royal resting
places (aka coffee tables, nightstands, and dressers), nor scold my
master when (s)he pushes them off.
51. I will not rush at my master when she is concentrating on balancing on the
inch wide balcony rail 25 feet in the air to see how the dog and I react.
52. I will not pull my master out of the trash bin when she is busy inspecting
its contents.
53. I will refill the water bowl no matter how many times my master tips it
over.
54. I will leave the potting soil where it belongs -- on the floor.
55. I will leave the toilet seat up so my master can investigate.
56. I will let my master sleep on my notes as I'm trying to study. (I'm sure I
can read through the fur if I try hard enough!)
57. I will not turn on the water when my master is napping in the sink.
58. I will let my master chase my highlighter as I'm trying to highlight texts.
59. I will not highlight my master's nose and ears in fashionable neon colors.
60. I will not de-flea my sister's new master in my master's bathroom and
expect my master to forgive me right away.
61. I will not try to ignore my master when she comes over to join my phone
conversation, because since no one else is in the room, I must be talking to
her. (Who would *really* be talking to a piece of plastic anyway?)
62. The human will not stare at the master while she is doing her business,
however, the master is permitted to stare at the human in various states
of undress and/or physical activity.
63. The human will not say "Ewwww gross" when the master sneezes and then
licks the snots off her fur.
Many thanks to the following contributors:
Harold Reynolds harold@atm.dal.ca
kolling@adobe.com (Karen Kolling)
Petra.Hinds@admin.utas.edu.au (Pet)
sclark@epas.utoronto.ca (Susan Clark)
Alex Johnson aljohnso@zebu.cvm.msu.edu
Christopher Palma [cpalma@astro.psu.edu]
IO10381@MAINE.maine.edu (Ruth Desjardins)
loscarle@zebu.cvm.msu.edu (SCARLETT, LORI)
bergmann@sophia.smith.edu (Merrie Bergmann)
Becky Birchmeier [REBIRCHM@zebu.cvm.msu.edu]
Lisa Loeffler loeffll@instruction.CS.ORST.EDU
karens@lobster.sid.mcet.edu (Karen Schlosberg)
allender@aristotle.ils.nwu.edu (Laura Allender)
Paul J. Ste. Marie [pstemari@satori.well.sf.ca.us]
jenn@convex1.TCS.Tulane.EDU (Jennifer R. Accettola)
npm@netcom.com (npm@netcom.com) (Nancy from San Diego, California)
Article: 36225 of rec.pets.cats
From: burtch@selway.umt.edu (Vickie Burtch)
Subject: Basic Rules for Cats...
Organization: University of Montana
Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 21:19:12 GMT
So now we all know why they do what they do...
Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run
1. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on
hind legs and hammer with forpaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary
to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway
in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important
during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
2. CHAIRS and RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you
cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug,
shag is good.
3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap.
If you can arrange for a particular bad "tuna breath", so much the better.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which
contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black
wool clothing. NOTE: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.
For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!", be ready with aloof disdain,
apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.
When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look
surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to reveal
that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything
-- just sit and stare.
4. WORK: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other
is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping" otherwise known
as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering":
a. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You
cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and
then picked up and comforted.
b. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless
you can lie across the book itself.
c. For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate
manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important
part. Pretend to doze, but every so othen reach out and slap the pencil or
knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you, ignore it. Remember,
the aim is to hamper work.
5. PLAY: It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh
for playing "Catch Mouse" or "King of the Hill" on the human's bed between 2
and 4 AM.
Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth running household.
Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are
consistent.
Vickie Burtch
burtch@clark.umt.edu
Mom to Shatzie, Sumatra and Sambuca
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