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Date: Thu, 30 Nov 1995 09:34:52 -0800
Message-Id: [199511301734.JAA09347@netcom22.netcom.com]
Subject: Life F.F
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
Date: 14 Sep 94 13:57:04 PDT (Wednesday)
Subject: Life F.F
------------------------------------------------------------
: Selections from fido.humor
Doctor to patient, "I've got bad and worse news for you"
Whats the bad news?
"Your tests came back negative and you've 24 hours to live."
Whats the worse news?
"I was golfing yesterday and forgot to phone you."
------------------------------
First golfer: "Shall we play again next Saturday?"
Second golfer: "Well, I was going to get married on Saturday, but I can put it
off."
------------------------------
Funny, isn't it? Men blame fate for other accidents, but feel personally
responsible when they make a hole in one.
------------------------------
Henry and Emma Black were up in years, but still played golf, their
favorite game. Naturally, they were deliberate....even slow at moving
along from hole to hole. An impatient man behind them kept needling them
to move faster....ever faster until Henry grew sick and tired of his
remarks. "Listen, young man," he growled at the impatient fellow behind
them. "I was a golfer, playing regularly before you were born."
"OK, OK," the younger fellow said, "but I'd sure appreciate it if you'd
try to finish before I die."
------------------------------
I see where a Russian says he invented a game which closely resembles golf.
That must be the game my husband has been playing for years.
------------------------------
Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
------------------------------
Golf pro: "Now just go through the motions without hitting the ball."
Beginner: "That's precisely the trouble I'm trying to overcome."
------------------------------
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told
him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo
album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her
grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have
something to say. Please, tell me...what do you think of my grandchildren?"
------------------------------
Swiss mountain guides who always do the same trails can get tired answering the
same questions over and over. One time an English tourist was giving his guide
an especially hard time with silly questions. They were walking through a
mountain valley that was strewn with rocks, and the traveler asked, "How did
these rocks get here?"
"Sir," said the guide, "they were brought down by a glacier."
The tourist peered up the mountain and said, "But I don't see any glacier."
"Oh, really?" said the guide. "I guess it has gone back for more rocks."
------------------------------
Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to
the clerk:
10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound
4 pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound
2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound
2 bars soap at $.83 each
"How much does that come to?" asked Larry.
"Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents."
"If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?" said the
boy.
"Seven dollars and sixty-four cents," stated the clerk who appeared to be
irritated by all the questions.
Larry said, as he disappeared through the door, "I don't want to buy the
items...that's our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with
it."
------------------------------
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that
had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."
------------------------------
Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?
Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole
to the other, and on which the earth revolves.
Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?
Student: Yes, Sir.
Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?
Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.
------------------------------
Recently our speaker had to discontinue several of his long talks on account of
his throat. Several people threatened to cut it.
You have heard it said before that this speaker needs no
introduction. Well, I have heard him and he needs all the introduction he can
get.
Our speaker needs no introduction. What he needs is a conclusion.
Our speaker will not bore you with a long speech...he can do it with a short
one.
You've been a wonderful audience...you stayed.
------------------------------
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular
office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.
"I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils
from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, `Play
Golf Next Sunday.'"
------------------------------
There's one thing the Democrats and Republicans share in common:
Our money.
------------------------------
The worst kind of reducing pill is the one who keeps telling you how he did
it.
------------------------------
Clara: My pastor is so good he can talk on any subject for an hour.
Sarah: That's nothing! My pastor can talk for an hour without a subject!
------------------------------
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer
from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women
immediately stop work and leave the building.
"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop
them."
"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one
o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well,
now, which of these machines would you like to order?"
"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that
whistle?"
------------------------------
Joe: "Can you name five days in a week without naming Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday or Friday?"
Tim: "No, of course not! Can you?"
Joe: "Certainly! Today, day before yesterday, yesterday, tomorrow, and the
next day!"
------------------------------
A chip on the shoulder means wood further up.
------------------------------
A person who helps row is too busy to rock the boat.
------------------------------
I try to take one day at a time, but lately several days have attacked me at
once.
------------------------------
How can you tell the teamster's kids from the others on the playground?
They're the ones that watch the other kids play.
------------------------------
My aunt learned how to live with her husband's sleepwalking.
She gave him a Hoover.
------------------------------
A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting in bed. The wife
said to her husband, "You're impossible."
To which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible."
------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use
as long as the signature file below is included
The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by
the individual contributors who should be contacted
if you wish to forward their entry.
--
* * * * Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com] * * * * *
* To learn how to buy the entire Life Humor Collection send
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* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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