From cate3@netcom.com Thu Nov 2 13:39:40 1995 From: cate3@netcom.com Subject: Life F.B To: jwry.dli@netcom.com Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com Date: 12 Sep 94 12:12:51 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life F.B ------------------------------------------------------------ : Selections from a mailing list run by: Victor Schwartz "I can't run my batch jobs anymore ... I'm out of night." -- Anonymous user of database software produced by an Informix competitor ------------------------------ "On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." -- Charles Babbage (19c inventor of the 1st "computing machine") ------------------------------ In a break-through in retail strategy, Grand Auto Stores is advertising on the radio that it is introducing a new product line: "designed specifically for our customers!" ------------------------------ Two mind-boggling distortions of the English Language heard on the radio this morning: 1. The Prudential Bank advertises: "Why pay more for a home loan than you have to? Prudential has the answer." 2. A commercial insurance provider describes the various costs to your business when workers get injured. They explain that they don't just provide coverage against workers compensation claims, but that they work with you to help you prevent on-the-job injuries BEFORE they happen. (The emphasis is THEIRS, not MINE.) (I guess it's a little late to help you prevent the injuries AFTER they happen!) ------------------------------ ]From a recent ad for Walgreens Drug Stores in the San Jose newspaper: 9 Lives Cat Food 3/$1 STOCK UP (And in small print: "Limit 6.") ------------------------------ (From this morning's San Jose Mercury News, "Overheard on a bus." Note to people outside the U.S.: The "Flav R Saver" tomato (or something spelled close to that), the first genetically altered vegetable to be approved for retail sale, is just reaching the market in California now, so this topic is hot news. Many people have been expressing concern about "tampering with Mother Nature.") My worry about genetically altered vegetables is my daughter seems to be dating one. ------------------------------ (Apologies to those of you who have never eaten at a Chili's restaurant. You'll have to use your imagination.) After Xerox Softball this evening, several members of our team gathered at Chili's for something to eat. During this get-together, ex-Xeroid Ken Guzik remarked: Do you know why the music is always so loud at Chili's? So you can't hear your smaller arteries snapping shut as you eat! ------------------------------ Martin Herbach, addressing the Informix Worldwide User Conference in Tampa Florida this week, compared character-based user interfaces to GUIs in the following colorful way. (This is not a quote, but close): A GUI allows the user to choose what he wants to do. A character-based user interface treats the user just like another I/O device ... like a disk or a printer. Periodically the program "invokes" the user with an input statement. ------------------------------ (I'm not making this up!) The name of a pizza restaurant in Redwood City, California: "Give Pizza Chance" ------------------------------ (From the July 18 issue of Newsweek magazine, Jackie Goldberg, an L.A. city Councilwoman, commenting on the number of TV-remote trucks, which send signals on microwave, outside the courthouse where the O.J. Simpson hearing is being held:) "There are so many microwave units outside the building, if you threw a turkey up in the air it would be cooked before it hit the ground." ------------------------------------------------------------ : Selections are from humor@mit.edu a mailing list run by: abennett@mit.edu From: johnsonr@Colorado.EDU Bumper sticker seen on the car of a recent college (CU?) graduate: I escaped from a political correction facility. ------------------------------ From: rmerz@redwood.hac.com (Rulane Merz) I heard the following on Paul Harvey this morning: A cougar wandered into the residential section of a Montana town. The residents kept their children indoors and nervously called the police and Fish and Game officials, who came on the double. They shot the cougar with a tranquilizer gun. But the cat, though woozy, still had the presence of mind to stagger into an open garage. The officers, in order not to unpleasantly surprise the inhabitants of the house, knocked on the door to tell them why they wanted to go inside the garage. A woman came to the door. "Ma'am," they told her, "there's a cougar in your garage." She said -- and I am not making this up, the Great Falls newspaper swears this really happened -- said, "Oh, but that's impossible. I have a Buick, not a Cougar!" ------------------------------ From: grisha@mit.edu Isn't it interesting how chain letters say to make a certain amount of copies of the letter and ship them out to people? Isn't it interesting how annoyed you can get at chain letters with their promises of good luck on compliance and threats of dis-kharmal effects on non-compliance? Isn't it interesting that the letters say that you must mail a certain number of copies out to people, but they don't say DIFFERENT people? What does this tell you? It tells you that you now have the power to keep people from deluding themselves into visions of grandeur and to stop this awful trend of chain letters. Here's what you do: 1: Make the required amount of copies that the letter specifies. 2: Send them all to the person who sent you the chain letter in the first place. Now you have: 1: Made it virtually impossible for the sender to counter all the letters he gets with more chain letters. (If he has to send out 16 copies, and eachrecipient sends 16 back to him, then he receives 256 copies of the letter and has to send out 4096 more copies!!!) 2: Complied with the chain letter, and you should soon be the recipient of good luck or whatever the letter has to offer! 3: Avoided insulting you friends/co-workers with this garbage. :) What have you got to lose? It's a Win-Win situation there! And there's hardly any hassle involved! Stop this trend and take control of your life again! Hope this letter has been of amusement to you all, and you DON'T even have to send out copies to people! ------------------------------ From: Richard Johnson [johnsonr@hoshi.Colorado.EDU] "As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life-so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an arch-bishop so you can meet girls." -- Matt Cartmill ------------------------------ From: munch@MIT.EDU Everything I ever needed to know, I learned in Dungeons and Dragons: One stroke of bad luck can kill an inexperienced character, and ruin your day. A natural 20 always hits, a natural 1 always misses. Wisdom is just as important as intelligence. Only fighters may specialize. If you make things hard for the DM, the DM will make things hard for you. If something seems difficult, you can count on your friends. Bards can't open locks. If something seems impossible, disbelieve. If it still seems impossible, hope you roll a 20. Death is in the eye of the beholder. You can be Chaotic, and still be good. Someone else can be Lawful, and still be evil. Not all problems are solved with the sword. (some of them are solved with daggers, hammers, or axes) Humans can't see in the dark. With infravision, all humanoids look the same in the dark, regardless of race. Always tip the innkeep. Platinum is worth more than gold, which is worth more than silver, which isworth more than copper. Dead people don't need money. (What good is a reward, if you ain't around to use it... --Han Solo) Always look up. Be careful what you wish for, or at least how you phrase it. Armor is great protection, unless you are falling out of a boat. No matter where you are, check for secret doors. Not everything is as it appears. (see note above on disbelieving) Perspective is the key to life... Which end of the sword are you on?? Famous DM quote: "Because I said so, that's why" In our imaginations, we can create worlds. (does this sound like an Origin ad?) All that glitters gold, probably isn't. All that glitters red, is probably a red dragon. Combat provides a brief moment of solace, usually followed by more combat. Never break a wand of wonder. Never lose your spellbook. Ten kobolds can defeat a tenth level fighter. (ever hear of overbearing??) There are no-win situations. You can die. This list was compiled by Stephen Schubert, wise in the ways of playing and DMing, both in a fantasy world, and in life. If you have any additions, send them to the one and only "EVERYTHING I EVER NEEDED TO KNOW, I LEARNED IN D&D" compilation, along with your name, to SCHUBERT_S@SALT.PLU.EDU feel free to share this with friends. ------------------------------ From: Darren Yee [dyee@eo.eo.com] Subject: Techno-Punk Ice Cream Recipe: The April issue of Scientific American contains some real gems. (The letters to the editor are priceless.) One of the articles, entitled "Chemistry and Physics in the Kitchen," contains the following recipe. I can hardly wait until ice cream weather arrives. You know, they ask grad students to bring a dessert to the department picnic in May... "No good dinner is complete without dessert. From the world of physics comes a recipe that not only eases the task of a chef but also produces a magnificent spectacle. This dessert, instant ice cream, was devised by Peter Barham of the University of Bristol. As a suitable finish for a public lecture on ice cream, Barham developed a way to make enough of it in about two minutes to feed an entire audience. The same recipe can be adapted to a domestic scale. "Good ice cream contains abundant air bubbles (to keep it light) and only very small ice crystals (so that the texture is smooth). Traditionally, ice cream makers have churned the mixture of milk, eggs, sugar and flavorings as it slowly chilled; the churning folded air into the material while also continuously breaking up large ice crystals. A simpler and more efficient way is to pour liquid nitrogen directly into the ingredients. At a temperature of -196 degrees C, liquid nitrogen can freeze the ice cream mixture so fast that only small ice crystals have time to grow. As it furiously boils, the liquid nitrogen also creates plenty of small gas bubbles. And as a further delight, the cold produces a cloud of dense fog, thus adding a crowd-pleasing, highly dramatic touch. "You will need about equal volumes of liquid nitrogen and a mixture for ice cream or sorbet. After preparing the mixture in the usual way, place it in a large metal bowl. (Do not use a glass or plastic bowl, which might break from thermal shock.) While observing the proper safety precautions (as set out below), pour in about half the liquid nitrogen, stirring gently with a wooden spoon. Continue to stir while adding more of the coolant until the ice cream is nice and stiff. Make sure the ice cream has stopped giving off fog -- which signifies that all the nitrogen has evaporated -- before serving. "Two important safety points need to be made. First, always wear gloves and safety glasses when handling the liquid gas or any objects that have been exposed to its extreme cold. Second, if you are making the ice cream in front of guests, be sure they are out of range of any splashes. You should be able to obtain liquid nitrogen (or directions to a commercial source for it) from your local university's physics or chemistry department or from a hospital. The best way to transport liquid nitrogen is with a vacuum flask; inside a well-made one, it will last for up to a day." Mangia! Leslie Chong's note: In case you don't have any ice-cream recipes on hand, here's one which I tried this morning. French Chocolate Silk 1 cup sugar 2 cups cream 3 egg yolks 1/3 cup cocoa 1.5 cups milk 1 tsp. vanilla (opt.) Beat milk and egg yolks together. Blend in sugar. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until thick enough to coat the spoon. Remove from heat, sift cocoa into the mixture, then beat until well blended. Cool (totally unnecessary, especially when you're going to be adding the liquid nitrogen anyway). Add cream and vanilla. Mix well. Add liquid nitrogen, stirring constantly with wooden spoon. Makes a quart. The ice-cream was very smooth and was enjoyed by all who tried it. Went fast with all the grad students around. Hope you give it a try. If you want additional recipes, just drop me a line on e-mail. chong ------------------------------ From: grisha@mit.edu ]From an introductory CS course description at that school: Although we believe the content of CS-1 is fairly straightforward, this is another one of those computer courses in which the homework can be somewhat time-consuming. It is not unusual for students to sometimes spend as many as 5 or more hours per week doing the problem sets. If you have other major time commitments (e.g., a part-time job, other courses, a family, friends, hobbies, etc.), then you may wish to reconsider whether or not to take CS-1. You have been warned! ------------------------------------------------------------ 1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use as long as the signature file below is included The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by the individual contributors who should be contacted if you wish to forward their entry. -- * * * * Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com] * * * * * * To learn how to buy the entire Life Humor Collection send * E-Mail to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject * or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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