From cate3@netcom.com Tue Oct 17 09:32:03 1995 From: cate3@netcom.com Subject: Life F.6 To: jwry.dli@netcom.com Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com Date: 2 Sep 94 12:15:03 PDT (Friday) Subject: Life F.6 ------------------------------ From: dcoyne@gibbs.oit.unc.edu (Donna Coyne) This story reminds me of a sign on the highway near where we live. It used to read: "Unlawful to Pass School Bus from Either Direction" I guess that some people misunderstood that, because now it reads: "Unlawful to Pass Stopped School Bus from Either Direction". ------------------------------ From: ronaldscott@attmail.com (RONALD B SCOTT) Given the fact that there's a pretty good translation between Jewish princesses and princes and their Mormon equivalents, maybe you ought to start substituting our own unique variety so as to inadvertantly offend. Two wit a modification: "What do you call a basement full of MAPs?" Homemaking meeting. ------------------------------ From: root@sunrise.apana.org.au (Aaron Howell) Sun Fm, the only station with the million dollar guarantee. You send us a million dollars, and we'll play anything you like, guaranteed. If you're starting the list, add this one. Honest, our radio station actually say this. ------------------------------ From: urrostro@uxa.ecn.bgu.edu (Richard Rostrom) Marty Katz (hbcsc091@huey.csun.edu) wrote: One other thing I tend to dislike is the number of coincidences in the books...The way Chavez runs into Ghosn in Sum Of All Fears when he's buying his nuclear physics books, the way Ryan's dad investigated Clark in Without Remorse and then Ryan comes to know Clark later. It makes the stories good but a little less believable. There are some astonishing real-world coincidences, so I don't think Clancy is out of line. Example: Eddie Chapman, the British safecracker who became a top double agent was parachuted into England by the Germans. He turned himself in at once, but the constable who arrested him was still suspicious. He took the Special Branch man who'd taken charge aside and said "I don't what this man may tell you. He landed with a German parachute, but I know him: he was in my platoon in the Irish Guards." If Clancy put that in one of his books you'd laugh, but it really happened. ------------------------------ From: bwm@netcom.com (Bruce Merritt) In the San Francisco Chronicle Tuesday August 30, 1994 Excerpts from Nanette Asimov's article "Board Meets in Secret to See If It Can" The California State Board of Education will meet in secret next week to decide it may meet in secret. No one is saying what the meeting is about. That, according to a school board spokesman, is a secret. Secret meetings by public agencies are common. Secret meetings about secret meetings, although legal, are less common. Public announcements about secret meetings about secret meetings are required by law. It's all explained in Government Code section 11126(q)(2)(a). And Government Code Section 11126(q)(2)(a) is explained in "Supplemental Agenda Notice #2", which the board mailed out this week. "The California State Board of Education reserves the right to meet in closed session pursuant to Government Code Section 11126(q)(2)(a) to determine whether facts and circumstances authorize it to meed in closed session pursuant to Government Code Section 11126(q)(2)(a)", said the announcement. ------------------------------ From: tweek@netcom.com Don't take any wooden Bytes. ------------------------------ From: Lee Brintle "I have just purchased some matches with the brand name of Pandora. I am reluctant to open the box." Lee Brintle Director, Project Panda ------------------------------ From: Darryl Hahn [dahahn@mv.us.adobe.com] I saw the following T-shirt at IBM the other day.... Front: Flight 4.0 to Chicago has been delayed. Back: I'm taking off with [[picture of airplane and the IBM O/2 logo inside]] ------------------------------------------------------------ : WHIM, a Bitnet mailing list WHIM - "a discussion list for humor" From: Seth A Maislin [smaislin@world.std.com] Wright got his comedic style completely by accident. The first time he ever got onto stage to deliver his stand-up routine, he completely froze. In response to the applause, he replied (dead-pan): "Thanks." Every one of his jokes came out without expression. People loved it. He kept the style, and people still love it. He has learned to take advantage of this direct uninflected style, and his humor has improved both in content and (yes, I'm really saying this) in delivery. You should compare his more recent performances with the older ones you see every now and then on the Comedy Channel (or some other Cable comedy show). ------------------------------ From: Derrick Green [HW1.DGREEN@hw1.cahwnet.gov] BTW, Derrick I *love* your triathalon 'signature'!!!! Barbara Ploegstra Ahhhhhh, a TRUE sign of intelligence. You would be amazed at the number of people that ask me, "Duuuuuuuh, what do those pictures mean?" Derrick Green dgreen@hw1.cahwnet.gov __o o _ _'\[, '/- ___`....`o ___ ___(*)/ (*)___ ___/]___ `- ------------------------------------------------------------ : Selections from: LeClub, a mailing list run by: cs932007@red.ariel.cs.yorku.ca From: Amarjit Kaur Chana [cs922242@ariel.cs.yorku.ca] Customer: Waiter, what is that fly doing in my alphabet soup? Waiter: Learning to read, Sir. ------------------------------ From: Amarjit Kaur Chana [cs922242@ariel.cs.yorku.ca] Why should you never invite termites to dine? - Because they'll eat you out of house and home. ------------------------------ From: Amarjit Kaur Chana [cs922242@ariel.cs.yorku.ca] What do termites eat for dessert? - Toothpicks. ------------------------------ From: Amarjit Kaur Chana [cs922242@ariel.cs.yorku.ca] Why was the inchworm so angry? - He had to convert to the metric system. ------------------------------ From: Amarjit Kaur Chana [cs922242@ariel.cs.yorku.ca] A boy wrote this letter home from camp: Dear Mom and Dad: Gue$$ what I need? Plea$e $end $ome $oon. Be$t Wi$he$, Your $on $ammy. His parents wrote back: Dear Sammy: NOthing much is happening here. Please write aNOther letter soon. Bye for NOw. Love, Mom and Dad. ------------------------------ From: Amarjit Kaur Chana [cs922242@ariel.cs.yorku.ca] Max: What is the weather like? Pam: I don't know. It's too cloudy to see! ------------------------------ From: Amarjit Kaur Chana [cs922242@ariel.cs.yorku.ca] Vacationer: We're in Cabin Three. Does the water always come through the roof like this? Owner: No, sir. Only when it rains! ------------------------------ From: Amarjit Kaur Chana [cs922242@ariel.cs.yorku.ca] Bus Passenger: Hi! I'm vacationing in your town. Does this bus stop at Elm Street? 2nd Passenger: Yes, it does. Just watch me, and get off one stop before I do. ------------------------------ From: "SurajD" [SurajD@aol.com] Miser: Someone who earns his money the hoard way. ------------------------------ From: "SurajD" [SurajD@aol.com] I can't wait until virtual reality is a real thing. ------------------------------ From: "SurajD" [SurajD@aol.com] Sign in a window: Musical instruments for sale: Sign in the window next door: Hurray! ------------------------------ From: "SurajD" [SurajD@aol.com] I stopped eating natural foods when I found out that 80% of people die of natural causes. ------------------------------------------------------------ : Selections are from a list forwarded to me by: From: "WMail Mailer Daemon" [wmd@wmute.trillium.se] Leigh Smith:XSIS Scientific Jokes (More or Less) 1.2 ----------------------------------- This list was compiled 1994-05-02 by Lars Olofsson. The jokes in this list is mostly taken from eunet.jokes . Contributions, comments or abuse may be sent [larso@wmute.trillium.se]. Many thanks to the contributors, especially to Joachim Verhagen. A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate." The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced". The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again." ------------------------------ The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with that?" ------------------------------ Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds, biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that wriggle. ------------------------------ The engineer thinks of his equations as an approximation to reality. The physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations. The mathematician doesn't care. ------------------------------ A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it. An experiment is something everybody believes, except the person who made it. ------------------------------ "Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?" "No..." "Inheritance." ------------------------------ When considering the behavior of a howitzer: A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land. A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there. An engineer will stand there and try to catch it. ------------------------------ A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine. ------------------------------ If it moves it is biology, if it stinks it is chemistry and if it does not work it is physics. ------------------------------ A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table. ------------------------------ An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?" The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99". The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02". The mathematician cogitates for a while, oblivious to the rest of the world, then announces: "I don't what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!". Philosopher: "But what do you _mean_ by 2 * 2 ?" Logician: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely." Accountant: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully, then asks "What do you _want_ the answer to be?" Computer Hacker: Breaks into the NSA super-computer and gives the answer. ------------------------------ It may be that human life is "the galaxy's way of evolving a brain." This will come as a surprise to pessimists who, contemplating humankind's destructive tendencies, may be wondering if life isn't the galaxy's way of eliminating certain planets. ------------------------------------------------------------ : Selections from The Top 5 List run by: TOP5@ris.risinc.com The Top *18* Ways That Comet Hitting Jupiter Will Affect Life On Earth 18] Top 5 lists suddenly seem witty and topical. 17] Hail the size of Buicks! 16] Pentagon requests renewed nuclear arms buildup to keep up with commentary gigatonnage. 15] Cosmic interference hampers the usually reliable Psychic Hotline. 14] Gnarly waves, dude! 12] Madonna starts hanging out with Carl Sagan. 11] While everyone is looking up, OJ Simpson tiptoes out of the country. 9] Elroy Jetson starts popping up on the "Have You Seen Me" milk cartons. 7] Time magazine reconsiders naming earth, "Planet of the Year." 6] Astronomers start livin' like rock stars and gettin' all the babes. 4] Newark improves its status from 3rd worst place in the universe to 4th. 1] At the moment of impact, radio signals from Alpha Centauri received, saying: "Goooooooooooooooooooooooooal!!!!!!" Pat Traynor, Marshfield, MA - 1, 4 Karen Sutton, Dallas, TX - 6 Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN - 7 (Hall of Fame) Ken Wilson, Kansas City, MO - 9 David Bryant, Columbia, MD - 11 (Rookie!) Lee Oeth, San Diego, CA - 12 Rick Canales, Austin, TX - 14 Jim Gall, Colorado Springs, CO - 15 (Rookie!) Larry Baum, San Diego, CA - 16 Jeremy Presner, Montreal, Canada - 17 (Rookie!) Duncan Carling, San Francisco, CA - 18 (Rookie!) ------------------------------ The Top *17* Least Known Facts About The Lunar Landing 11] Buzz Aldrin blew chance at being the first man on the moon in tense, "2 out of 3" rock-scissors-paper match with Neil Armstrong. 7] Lunar Rover stolen by joyriding aliens because Buzz Aldrin forgot to attach "The Club." 4] A.S.P.C.A. outraged that Lunar Rover abandoned on airless moon. Jeff Ammons, Atlanta, GA - 4 (Rookie!) Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD - 7 (Hall of Fame) Lemon Rinaldi, San Francisco, CA - 11 ------------------------------------------------------------ : chai@cs.uiuc.edu [Ian Chai] ]From (resent with permission) "Tim Thornton (DIGEST)" [thornton@TAMU.EDU] I said: I'M GETTING MARRIED in forty days (i.e. October 8)! I ask for your prayers for my fiancee (her name is Spring) and myself Dave Wagle saw his opportunity to pounce: -ahhh, a summer of love! Congratulations on marrying Spring in the fall. .. Ian Chai, unable to resist, added: -...just don't let it turn into the winter of discontent. 8-) The truth is, I happened to fall for Spring in the winter. (To my everlasting shame, I can't think of a way to work "summer" into that sentence) AT ANY RATE, thanks to all for your well-wishes! Tim (39 days and counting... :-) ------------------------------ Newsgroups: uiuc.cs.csil.ta,uiuc.cs.general Subject: /usr/spool/mail overflow (funny observation) There has been a lot of complaints lately about people not cleaning up their mailboxes on the ta machines being sent to tas@cs.uiuc.edu. You know what's funny? That the complaints were sent out on email... ------------------------------------------------------------ 1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use as long as the signature file below is included The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by the individual contributors who should be contacted if you wish to forward their entry. -- Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com] To learn how to get a MS Windows 3.1 Application with 15,000 jokes from the Life Humor collection, send E-Mail to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject. Or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor
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