From cate3@netcom.com Tue Oct 10 14:19:37 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life F.4
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Date: 1 Sep 94 15:40:22 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life F.4
------------------------------------------------------------
: Selections are from the newsgroup rec.humor.funny
From: garrett@cs.unc.edu (Bill Garrett)
[Heard through friends:]
Rumor has it that the state of California, which recently enacted a "Three
Strikes" crime bill (three felonies and you're jailed for life), was
considering the following amendment:
Three strikes and you're out, unless the judge drops the gavel on the third
strike and you can run out of the courtroom before the bailiff grabs you.
------------------------------
From: glenn@rightbrain.com (Glenn Reid)
I saw another Alpha Romeo in Palo Alto today. I can't believe they haven't
gotten that thing into beta yet!
I'm still waiting for the product line to mature:
Beta Romeo
Romeo 1.0
Romeo 1.1 (bug fix release)
Romeo II
Alpha Juliet (companion product)
------------------------------
From: ljw1004@ (L.J. Wischik)
How do you tell an extrovert computer scientist?
-He looks at _your_ shoes when he talks to you.
------------------------------
From: msz2@po.cwru.edu
The following is the text of page 98 of the NCSA Computer Virus Handbook by
David Stang:
"This is page 98. It has been left blank intentionally, for no apparent reason,
to confuse the reader and produce endless crank calls. (Actually, it was a
numbering error produced by one bozo and the wonders of desktop publishing.) We
hope you enjoy the other pages of this book, and we'll keep trying to get it
right."
------------------------------
From: kalothi@uclink.berkeley.edu (Geoffrey Kidd)
Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
You pull a little ring and it NEVER tells the same story twice!
------------------------------
From: LEDERMAN@eisner.decus.org (B. Z. Lederman)
I was driving along the Interstate, and stopped at a small combined Gas Station
/ Rest Station / Convenience Store for a rest break and to pick up a snack I
could eat while driving. One brand of "Beef Jerky, Chopped & Formed, Smoked
Beef Snack" seemed like a good choice until I noticed that the store's price
label stuck on the package was labeled "Non-Foods".
------------------------------
From: bud@sq.sq.com (Bud Greasley)
harvie@bedford.progress.com (John Harvie) writes: ]
You've probably heard USAir's new slogan "USAir begins with YOU."
I heard this on a USAir flight the other day. I noted that "USAir" also begins
with "US"!
Of course, "Air Canada begins with Eh?".
------------------------------
From: TMANCUSO@drunivac.drew.edu (And then comes the Duck!)
A 3-4-block stretch of East Cleveland Avenue in Newark (pronounced New Ark),
Delaware consists of almost nothing but car dealerships. Nestled between two
of these dealerships and across the street from another is the Newark Animal
Hospital, where I take my two cats. A few weeks ago, the first time I took my
newest cat Molly there, I noticed the following sign at the entrance to the
parking lot:
CAR DEALERS USING
THIS LOT FOR
TURN-A-ROUND
WILL BE NEUTERED
Appointments now being taken.
------------------------------
From: ritter@psychology.nottingham.ac.uk (Frank E. Ritter)
You're hiking around on Hampsted Heath (a park near London) at the end of a
long sunny day. You run across (separately) the ghosts of Sir Winston
Churchill, Sir Baden Powell, and Sir Edmund Hillary, who all give you
directions to the nearest tube stop. Whom *don't* you believe?
Your story teller, for there is no such thing as a completely sunny day in
England.
[original, 10/93 on a sunny day]
------------------------------
From: chuckg@sugar.neosoft.com (Chuck G.)
Management distributed a survey to measure their progress in applying Total
Quality Management principles. Employees were to select responses to statements
from a scale of 1 (seldom) to 5 (frequently).
17. Management uses TQM in their day-to-day business.
1 2 3 4 4
------------------------------
From: tlode@nyx10.cs.du.edu (trygve lode)
The December 1993 issue of _Scientific American_ contained an article on the
current state of the art in high-temperature superconductivity; one paragraph
on page 123 made me wonder whether _Scientific American_ was equally familiar
with the state of the art in personal computing:
This past year American Superconductor fashioned its wires into coils for
Reliance Electric in Cleveland, Ohio, which built a two-horsepower
motor--strong enough to power the cooling fan in a desktop computer. My mind
boggles at the thought of what they must use for desktop computers there and
whether they have any room left on their desks to put their coffee cups....
------------------------------
From: Bradford.Wetmore@ebay.sun.com (Brad R. Wetmore)
Ok, this is going to the right queue, but I just heard it yesterday...
Peekaboo Street (the US Olympian) apparently came into a lot of money because
of her Olympic performance this winter. Rather than spend it on herself, she
showed a lot of character by donating it to a local hospital. The primary
facility the hospital needed was a retrofit of the Intensive Care Unit, so in
her honor, the hospital board is going to name the new unit, "Peekaboo, I.C.U."
------------------------------
From: GDAVIS@idicl1.idi.oclc.org (GARY)
Today's morning news reported that the opening of Denver's new
international airport would be delayed indefinitely until problems with
the automated baggage handling system are fixed.
While the video showed the machinery shredding open suitcases and
throwing clothing all over the floor, the voice over of the airport
director stated, "We think it's mostly a software problem."
{ed Another bug heard round the world.}
------------------------------
From: Martin.Soques@amd.com (Martin Soques)
Saw this on our local paper yesterday:
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer and a crooked politician?
A: Chelsea.
------------------------------
From: bmcd@newton.otago.ac.nz (Ben Caradoc-Davies)
]From the Borland C++ 3.0 User's Guide (1991), p214 (the index)
"
...
graphics See also graphics drivers
graphics drivers See also graphics
...
"
Note: no page numbers for either.
------------------------------
From: Jim Bertram
Original joke written and submitted by Jim Bertram.
After pleading not guilty, congressman Dan Rostenkowski has been indicted for
fraud. One of the charges he's accused of having fourteen people on his staff
who got paid to do nothing. Investigators must have been pretty sharp to locate
fourteen people getting paid to do nothing in congress.
------------------------------
From: armagee@dbserv2.teale.ca.gov (Steve Magee)
As the years went by, a man who had survived the Great Flood of 1993
never tired of telling about his experiences. When he died and went to
heaven, he was met by St. Peter, who said, "If there is anything you
can think of that will make you happier here, just mention it."
"Well, there is one thing," replied the man. "I'd like to tell
everyone about my terrible experiences in the Flood of '93."
"That's fine," said St. Peter, "Maybe someone will be interested, But
you ought to know, Noah's been up here for a long time."
------------------------------
From: armagee@dbserv2.teale.ca.gov (Steve Magee)
A little boy was frustrated that he couldn't visit his uncle, who was
recovering from a heart operation.
"If I can't visit him," reasoned the boy, "then why do they call it the
'ICU'? They should call it the 'I can't CU.'"
------------------------------
From: geoff@eecs.wsu.edu (Geoff Allen)
I was recently in San Francisco, and the city is well-decorated with newsstands
for the afternoon paper. The slogan on the newsstands explains why you should
buy the afternoon paper instead of the morning paper. It reads:
If your neighbor is an Ax Murderer,
at least you'll find out today.
Their ad agency must be from Miami.
------------------------------
From: idod@bga.com (Ido Dubrawsky)
This was a quick funny moment with me and a friend of mine.
While watching tv with a friend a little while back, we saw this commercial
for Compuserve that talks about all the things that you can do on their
network. At the end of the commercial the announcer reads the line at the
bottom of the screen which says:
"Compuserve, the information network you won't outgrow."
Without missing a beat, I turned to my friend and said:
"The internet, the information network you _can't_ outgrow."
------------------------------
From: roy547@netcom.com (ROY TRUMBULL)
Many years ago at KCBS in San Francisco, I'd just completed a maintenance
overnighter. I'd switched from days with about 2 hours sleep and was numb
around 5 am. Something happened which gave me the best laugh I'd had in
months. There was a feature called Man And His Religion which that morning was
followed by a Tom Campbell commercial. Tom was a local talent with a well
deserved reputation for talking double speed. His commercials were a bit on the
high pressure side. This is how it came out:
"...and that is the latest on the search for Noah's Ark." (sound of outboard
motor) "LETS GO BOATING!!!!!"
------------------------------
From: MELINDAMS@cedar.goshen.edu
*****MENNONITE JOKE*****
Q. How do we know that Adam and Eve were Mennonite?
A. Who else would be alone in a garden with a naked woman and be tempted by a
piece of fruit?
------------------------------
From: MELINDAMS@cedar.goshen.edu
*****MENNONITE JOKE*****
Q. What's the difference between a Mennonite girl and Alaska?
A. About three degrees.
------------------------------
From: MELINDAMS@cedar.goshen.edu
*****MENNONITE JOKE*****
Q. What's the difference between a Mennonite boy and a rock?
A. The rock moves faster.
------------------------------
From: levinson@garnet.berkeley.edu (Ronnen Levinson)
I saw this sign on my way up to Lawrence Berkeley Laboratory yesterday:
------------------
| |
| Dark Matter |
| Particles ==] |
| |
------------------
|
|
|
So that's where they are!
------------------------------
From: bill@camco.celestial.com (Bill Campbell)
I was at a Town Meeting this weekend and Jennifer Dunn, (R. Washington State)
had the perfect description for D.C.
A Work Free Drug Place.
------------------------------
From: ren@rap.ucar.edu (Ren Tescher)
Subj: Why can't Johnny read (a map)?
I recently received a copy of SGI's 'Expressware' catalog, which lists various
3rd party sources of hardware and software. Nothing much to report there,
except toward the back on page 49 it lists 'International Sales Offices'.
Under the 'Europe' category it lists the Israeli office.
Under the 'Mediterranean' category it lists;
Bahrain [sic] (on the Persian Gulf)
Austria (landlocked in Central Europe)
Russia (on the Black Sea)
And under the 'South Pacific and Latin America' category,
India (along the Indian Ocean)
I checked the entire catalog, "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" was not
listed under software sales. Maybe recent high school graduates helped
assemble the list?
Ren Tescher
------------------------------
From: exactly@leland.stanford.edu (Zachary Paul Demko)
One of my favorite signs is in Cambridge, MA, on Storrow Drive:
_________________________
I I
I Harvard --] I
I I
I I
I [-- No Harvard I
I I
_________________________
I I
I I
(referring to Harvard Square and North Harvard)
------------------------------
From: lando@corp.cirrus.com (Dave Landis)
This is an original as told by my colleague, Joel Rodriguez.
Q: Why is Clinton so anxious to get an additional 100,000 cops on the street?
A: So they can bring him more women!
------------------------------
From: peters@rainbow.drea.dnd.ca (Doug Peters)
A number of "favorite signs" have shown up on r.h.f. lately. I like a traffic
sign posted on a downtown street corner in St. John's, NFLD, Canada:
--------------------
| NO RIGHT TURN ON |
| RED OR ORANGE OR |
| AMBER LIGHT |
--------------------
I'll bet there's an interesting story behind that one...
------------------------------
From: beauvais@bbt.com (Dan Beauvais)
Heard from my sister Ann Beauvais of Haverhill, MA:
The Florida Citrus Growers' Association has offered to pay all of OJ Simpson's
legal defense costs...
provided he changes his first name to Snapple.
------------------------------
From: jwolfe@infinet.com (Jeffrey A. Wolfe)
After President Clinton's many flip-flops on Haitian policy, when I saw that
he had changed his policy on Cuba, the following scene popped into my mind:
The Adventures of Rocky and Billwinkle
Starring Al "Rocky" Gore and Billwinkle J. Clinton
Billwinkle: Hey, Rocky! Watch me pull a foreign policy out of my hat!
Rocky: Again?!?
Billwinkle: Nothin' up my sleeve...
[sound of sleeve being ripped off]
Billwinkle: Presto!
Creature in hat: ROWR!!
Billwinkle: No doubt about it, I gotta get a new hat.
Rocky: And now here's something we hope you'll *really* like...
------------------------------
From: ppicot@irus.rri.uwo.ca (Paul Picot)
Just seen on a local storefront:
THE CHRISTIAN BOOKSTORE
CLEARANCE SALE ON NOW!
Everything Must Go!
Do you suppose they know something we don't?
------------------------------
From: rsr@soda.berkeley.edu (Roy S. Rapoport)
I participated in a time-management 12-step-type seminar yesterday, mixing both
professional tips and 'philosophy' on time ... at a certain point the presenter
said:
"When you're 98, and you've retired as the longest-lasting employee of your
company, and you're sitting on your back porch, with your hound-dog there --
what do you want to look back and see?"
Someone in the audience spoke up: "Your house?"
------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use
as long as the signature file below is included
The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by
the individual contributors who should be contacted
if you wish to forward their entry.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
To learn how to get a MS Windows 3.1 Application with
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