From cate3@netcom.com Tue Oct 3 12:54:38 1995 From: cate3@netcom.com Subject: Life F.2 To: jwry.dli@netcom.com Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com Date: 31 Aug 94 08:48:23 PDT (Wednesday) Subject: Life F.2 To subscribe send a message to: LISTSERV@vtvm1.cc.vt.edu with the body of text: "Sub GIGGLES [Your Name]" ------------------------------------------------------------ : Selections from the GIGGLES Digest. From: [KDC9622@ACS.TAMU.EDU] You know, I've been logging into the VAX system here at Texas A&M for nearly 18 months, and one thing continues to bother me: The notice, when one logs in, states that this system is for authorized use by authorized users only. Any other use is prohibited by law...ad nauseum. Then the notice ends stating "anyone using this computer system for other than authorized purposes may face administrative and/or criminal action against them." Now, that's not verbatim, but the phrase "administrative and/or criminal action against them" is. So, if a user commits the crime of using the system for non-authorized use, the sysops will get together and commit a crime against the user, if I am reading that right! I pointed out the discrepancy to the System Manager...hopefully they will change it. From what I can tell, it should read "administrative and/or *Legal* action against them." (You know, I'm beginning to wonder if my friends are right when they try to convince me that UNIX is more user friendly!) ------------------------------ From: - Amy Christensen [AMYC?UWFOUND%UWFOUND@UWFOUND.WISC.EDU] A guy who was hired for the summer at the boat rental concession went to the lake's edge and yelled thru his megaphone, "Number sixty-one come in. Your time is up!" After several minutes had passed, the boat did not return. "Number sixty-one!" he hollered again, "come in our you'll be charged extra!" But after several more minutes the boat still hadn't returned to the dock. The manager, listening in on all this, finally informed the guy, "You've got a long wait because there is no boat number 61." The guy thinks about this for a moment, and then hollers, "Boat number nineteen, are you having trouble out there?" Amy [amyc@uwfound.wisc.edu] "Under the Freedom of Information act, I wrote to the FBI to ask if they had a file on me. They wrote back, "We do now." ------------------------------ From: Brad Pardee [bradp@UNLLIB.UNL.EDU] Seen on a t-shirt: [In big letters] I DON'T KNOW YOU! [Below, a federal seal and these words in small letters] Federal Witness Protection Program ------------------------------ From: - Amy Christensen [AMYC?UWFOUND%UWFOUND@UWFOUND.WISC.EDU] As I was on my way into this room a woman approached me and told me how much she always looked forward to my presentations. I told her I was most flattered by her remarks and I asked her what it was she liked so much about them. She replied, "When you're on the program, I always know I can count on getting a good seat." ------------------------------ From: Russell Shock [SHOCKR@VTLS.COM] The government has 3 new savings bonds: The Steffie bond with no maturity, the Gore bond with no interest and the Clinton bond with no principle. ------------------------------ From: - Amy Christensen [AMYC?UWFOUND%UWFOUND@UWFOUND.WISC.EDU] Christopher Columbus was stranded in Jamaica and needed supplies. He knew that an eclipse was to occur the next day. He told the tribal chief, "The God who protects me will punish you. Unless you give me supplies this night, a vengeance will fall upon you and the moon shall lose its light!" When the eclipse darkened the sky, Columbus got all the supplies he needed. In the early knight, and Englishman tried the same trick on a Sudanese chieftan. "If you do not follow my order," he warned, "vengeance will fall upon you and the moon will lose its light." "If you're referring to the lunar eclipse," the Sundanese chieftan replied, "that doesn't happen until the day after tomorrow." ------------------------------ From: - Amy Christensen [AMYC?UWFOUND%UWFOUND@UWFOUND.WISC.EDU] Resolution of Board of Councilmen, Canton Mississippi, mid-1800s: 1) Be it resolved that we build a new jail. 2) Be it resolved that the new jail be built out of materials of the old jail. 3) Be it resolved that the old jail be used until the new jail is finished. ------------------------------ From: John F Habkirk [John_F_Habkirk%notes@SB.COM] Not so long ago a thousand year old Viking was found frozen in a glacier. Upon thawing him out, to the amazement of the scientists, his heart started beating. he was immediately rushed to the famous brain surgeon Dr. felix Walker who attempted to make the Viking's brain function. However, after many hours work, all efforts failed - which only goes to show........ You can take a Norse to walker but you can't make him think! ------------------------------ From: John F Habkirk [John_F_Habkirk%notes@SB.COM] Despite the prohibition of gambling in New York, 4 men were caught with cards in their hands and money on the table. Three of them were priests and one was a Rabbi. The Inspector asked the three priests separately if they were gambling and they all denied it - he believed them since they were men of the cloth. But he was determined to get the Rabbi, so he turned to him and said, " It must be you who was gambling then!" The Rabbi replied, " But my friend, who with?" ------------------------------ Tip for International master criminals - If you capture James Bond shoot him immediately. Do *NOT* tell him your entire plan or give him a tour of you secret base. Tip for Gotham city criminals - If you capture Batman and Robin use a conventional weapon to dispose of them. Do *NOT* leave them alone in a room strapped to a machine made of plastic decorated in bright colors. Tip for American master criminals - If you capture the A-team under no circumstances should you lock then in a shed full of bits of metal, tools and a welding gear. ------------------------------ From: Mary Lawlor [LAWLOR@4J.LANE.EDU] Just some good clean fun for everyone........not that I don't enjoy the other kind......... HORSES ARE THE BEST PETS BECAUSE: * Horses don't chase cars or howl at the moon * They're not underfoot at the sound of a can opener * Horses don't hang on the screen door * They don't usually perch on top of the T.V. with their tails hanging down in front of the screen * Horses don't wake you first thing in the morning by doing a tap dance on your chest * They're not so finicky that you end up with ten unopened cans of tuna, beef, and chicken bits in your fridge * They don't scratch people or sharpen their "nails" on the furniture * Births are usually planned for. Multiple births are not usually a problem. * Horse babies are rarely a surprise found under your bed * Horses hardly ever need to be rescued from telephone poles or large trees ------------------------------ From: Steve McCallister [usvv73kn@IBMMAIL.COM] That reminds me of a rumor I heard here in Missouri about the almost constant construction on the highways. Rumor has is that Missouri is considering changing it's state flower to the Orange Highway Barrell. They always pop up in the spring and never leave till fall. ------------------------------ From: Phil Amyotte [pamyotte@MTL.UNISYSGSG.COM] Did you know that Newfie's are FOR the separation of the province of Quebec? They think it'll cut four hours off their trips to Toronto. ------------------------------ From: Christine Manninen [mannine1@STUDENT.MSU.EDU] "Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about." -Agnes Kepplier ------------------------------------------------------------ 1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use as long as the signature file below is included The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by the individual contributors who should be contacted if you wish to forward their entry. -- Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com] To learn how to get a MS Windows 3.1 Application with 15,000 jokes from the Life Humor collection, send E-Mail to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject. Or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor
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