Return-Path: [cate3@netcom.com]
Received: from netcom5.netcom.com by chamber with ESMTP
(8.6.12/DEI:4.41) id NAA14518; Tue, 5 Sep 1995 13:17:33 -0700
From: cate3@netcom.com
Received: by netcom5.netcom.com (8.6.12/Netcom)
id JAA14540; Tue, 5 Sep 1995 09:41:19 -0700
Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 09:41:19 -0700
Message-Id: [199509051641.JAA14540@netcom5.netcom.com]
Subject: Life E.Q
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
Date: 12 Aug 94 10:54:41 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life E.Q
------------------------------------------------------------
Selections are from fido.humor
Here, people the TOP TEN things going on inside a PSYCHO's mind!!!!
1. If swimming is good for you why are their so many FAT WHALES?
2. A stitch in time saves nine. NINE WHAT????
3. When a smurf chokes on some food, What color does he change?
4. What do people in China call their good plates?
5. If a cow laughs really really hard does milk spurt out his nose?
6. Why do they sing "Take me out to the ball game" when they are already
there?
7. Why did Jack insist on wearing a crown when he and Jill fetched a pail of
water?
8. What would happen if you hung yourself with Bungee cord?
9. Why is their Extra-small and Extra-large but no Extra-medium?
10. What would happen if you put a Slinky on an Escalator going up?
------------------------------
A boy of six, visiting the country for the first time, came running to
his mother. Bubbling over with excitement, he said, "I just saw a man
who makes horses."
"Are you certain?"
"Yup. The horse was almost done; the man was just nailing on his back
feet!"
------------------------------
Bankers will now lend you enough to get you "out of debt."
Polly thinks her bank is in financial trouble. Their new promotional
slogan is, "Money isn't everything."
When a man will get in his car when the temperature is zero degrees;
drive to the bank through a raging blizzard; shovel a path to the front
door...this has to mean the fella's making the last payment on his
mortgage.
------------------------------
The proud parent called the newspaper and reported the birth of twins.
The receptionist at the news desk didn't quite understand the message
over the phone. "Will you repeat that?" she asked.
"Not if I can help it," was the reply.
------------------------------
How do we know Pres. Clinton doesn't have a dirty mind?
He changes it nearly every day.
What's the difference between Jane Fonda and Bill Clinton?
Jane Fonda spent more time in Vietnam.
What's the difference between baseball and politics?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out......
It's still the economy. And he's still stupid.
Q: Didja hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President
Clinton's election?
A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!
[Q]How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
[A]None. The democrats do that.
------------------------------
Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up.
When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy,
electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.
Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked...how to plug
it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is
ready."
A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how
she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't
understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a
pot of coffee?"
------------------------------
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me,
Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you
take it and assuage my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one
from whom you stole it."
"I__I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your
family."
Thanking the priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the priest returned to his residence. When he
walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his Thanksgiving
turkey.
------------------------------
Then there was the small Chinese island which finally got mail service, the
carrier coming over by boat. Naturally, all they got was junk mail.
------------------------------
A young preacher was serving as a volunteer chaplain at a large nursing
home. He had never performed a wedding and thought he should ask an
older preacher what to do in case he forgot during the wedding
ceremony. He was advised, "Just start quoting Scripture until
something comes to you."
Soon the young preacher was called to perform the wedding ceremony for
a widow and widower in the nursing home. Right about the middle of the
ceremony, he forgot what to say next. Remembering the advice of the
older preacher, he started quoting Scripture. However, the only
Scripture he could remember was, "Father, forgive them for they know
not what they do."
------------------------------
A woman explained to a psychiatrist that her husband thought he was the
Lone Ranger. The psychiatrist asked, "How long as this been going on?"
"About twenty years."
"Bring him in. I'll cure him."
The woman nodded and said, "I guess it's the right thing to do. But
Tonto is so good with the children!"
------------------------------
Doctor: Private Clinton, is there any medical reason why you should not be
inducted into the army?
Draftee: Believe me, doctor, half my insides are missing!
Doctor: What is your internal problem?
Draftee: No guts!
------------------------------
Debbie and Glenn Bodman were planning a vacation in Florida, but they
didn't know what to do with their dog. So Mr. Bodman wrote the hotel
manager and asked if dogs were allowed. He promptly answered:
"Dear Sir:
"I've been in the hotel business for thirty years and I've never had to
call the police to eject a disorderly dog; never had a dog set fire to a
bed with a cigarette; never found a hotel towel in a dog's suitcase; and
never had a dog leave a glass ring on the top of the dresser. Your dog is
welcome.
Signed: Manager Smith
"P.S. If your dog will vouch for you, you can come along, too."
------------------------------
There were two old boys who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice
fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there.
The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at
a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going
to need an ice pick."
So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was
back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't.
He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks
you've got."
The fellow couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are
you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water
yet."
------------------------------
A Newfie buys a used car in Toronto. The dealer says,
"Truth-in-advertising laws compel me to tell you that this car has no reverse."
Newfie says, "That's okay. I'm not coming back."
------------------------------
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling,
"Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front
page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about
fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it.
Fifty-one people swindled!"
------------------------------
The train was about to pull out of the station. Swinging a large
suitcase the man managed to reach the train, throw his suitcase onto
the rear observation car, and climb aboard, gasping for air. Looking at
him, another rider said, "Young man, you should be in better shape. At
your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and still be
fresh. Look at you, panting away."
The young man took a deep breath and said, "Pop, I missed this train at
the last station."
------------------------------
It was an outdoor production of "Julius Caesar". The people in Central
Park were enthralled, but when Caesar was stabbed, about half the
audience left. They didn't want to get involved!
------------------------------
Little Johnny was always the trouble maker in school. He was constantly
giggling or talking or in some manner disrupting the class.
On this particular day Johnny was up to his tricks once more.
Every time the teacher turned around he proceeded to pass a note to one of
his fellow classmates. Finally the frustrated teacher told Johnny that he
she caught him again she was going to read his note, out loud to the whole
classroom.
Figuring that this would stop his antics she proceeded with the lesson.
No sooner had she turned her back when Johnny passed a note. The teacher
immediately took the note and marched up to the front of the classroom.
The classroom was delighted when she read, "Do to lack of interest the
class is dismissed!"
------------------------------
The owner of a well-established firm of wholesalers was interviewing people for
a position in sales. One candidate offered excellent references and experience
and was well-dressed and well-spoken. The only catch was a disconcerting
mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking.
So the sales manager decided to be frank, "You've got all the qualifications
for the job and I'd really like to hire you__but I'm afraid that facial tic
of yours might put customers off."
"I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the sales candidate, "because all I
need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirin. See for
yourself, I've got some on me." And he began emptying his pockets on the
desk.
The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms
piling up: ribbed ones, lubricated ones, multicolored ones, every variety
imaginable.
"Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are." He brandished two
aspirin, swallowed them , and sure enough, the tic went away in less than a
minute.
"So much for the wink," said the sales manager sternly, gesturing at the
mountain of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want my
company to be represented by some wild womanizer, after all."
"No fear. I'm a happily married man."
"So how can you account for the contents of your pockets?"
"It's simple, sir. Did you ever go into a drug store, winking like crazy, and
ask for a packet of aspirins?"
------------------------------
A shipment of Army mules had just arrived (dated, isn't it?) and a soldier
made the mistake of getting too close to the business end of one.
His companions caught him on the fly, placed him on a stretcher, and started
for the hospital. On the way the soldier came to. He gazed at the sky over
head and felt the swaying motion of the stretcher. Feebly, he lowered his hand
over the side to find nothing but space.
"My God," he groaned, "I haven't even hit the ground yet!"
------------------------------
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the
department store. "What's it for?" one asked.
"I don't know," the other replied. "I think you stand on it and it
makes you mad...at least it does that for my Mom and Dad."
------------------------------
In 1992 if someone told me that Dan Quayle could beat Bill Clinton in 1996 I
would have laughed. Now I'm crying because it might be true! Foreign affairs,
sex scandals, tax policies, consistency. Ooh, I shudder.
------------------------------
A nurse was showing some visitors through the hospital. Pointing to a
special section of a ward...a group of young men...she said, "This is
the most hazardous place for a nurse. These men are almost well!"
------------------------------
A bribe is a gift with which the giver says, "Thanks" and the receiver
says, "Don't mention it!"
------------------------------
There was a hush-hush meeting of top politicians recently. It was held in
the private dining room of a hotel and all who attended were sworn to
secrecy.
The topic was taxes and the politicians were there to agree on a course of
action after the election. The discussion was spirited because everyone had
been assured that there would be no news leaks. No one would be quoted. They
thrashed things out all through lunch and it wasn't until they were having
coffee that one of the politicians noticed the waitress. She was off in a
corner, arms folded, observing everything.
"Er, Miss, I'm afraid you're going to have to leave," said the politician.
"We've got everything we need and this is a private meeting."
The waitress didn't move. "I'm sorry," she said, "but I have to stay here."
"Why?"
"Because I'm responsible for the silverware," the waitress said.
------------------------------
A rabbi and a minister were at the neighborhood picnic. As they rode
in one of the boats on the lake, the rabbi stood up, stepped out of the
boat, and walked over the water to the nearest stretch of land.
Astonished, the minister decided to see if he could duplicate this
miraculous feat. He stepped out of the boat and sank. But he managed
to swim ashore. As he started to dry himself off, the rabbi walked
over and said, "If you're a nice guy, next time I'll show you where the
rocks are!"
------------------------------
A nerdy-looking fellow shuffled timidly into the sales manager's office. "I
don't suppose you want to buy any life insurance?" he asked hesitantly.
"No, I don't."
"That's what I figured. Well, thanks anyway." And he turned and made
gratefully for the door.
"Hang on a sec, young man," the executive called out. "You know, I've worked
with salespeople all my life, and I have to say that was the most pathetic
sales pitch I've ever encountered. You have to have confidence, my boy.
Shoulders back, look the customer in the eye, believe in yourself! In fact,
just to give you a little boost, I'll give you a sale right now. Write me up
for that policy after all."
"Thank you, sir, ever so much," said the salesman gratefully , presenting him
with the papers.
The sales manager signed with a flourish. "And now that you're feeling more
confident, you should learn some tricks of the trade."
"Quite right sir, good idea," said the salesman humbly. "Always useful.
Actually, the one I just used is for sales managers."
------------------------------
An Alaskan and a Texan were arguing over who's state was bigger. The Alaskan
finally got ticked off and said, "Look, if you don't shut-up, we'll cut Alaska
in half and make Texas the THIRD largest state."
------------------------------
US President Bill Clinton plans to reduce the budget deficit by an appeal to
sacrifice. The problem, however, is that every time he gets near a virgin...
Didja hear that in response to Pres. Bill's habit of dropping in on local
McDonalds the McD's national management has announced a commemorative double
cheeseburger, the McClinton?
Of course, when you get it, the price has doubled, and it's got half the
meat.
------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use
as long as the signature file below is included
The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by
the individual contributors who should be contacted
if you wish to forward their entry.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
To learn how to get a MS Windows 3.1 Application with
15,000 jokes from the Life Humor collection, send E-Mail
to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject.
Or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page