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Date: Tue, 22 Aug 1995 12:41:29 -0700
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Subject: Life E.M
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------------------------------
Date: 10 Aug 94 13:37:18 PDT (Wednesday)
Subject: Life E.M
The following is from dsc.cuties, run by:
lindsay@dscatl.atl.ga.us (Lindsay Cleveland)
----------------------------------------------------
Contributed by: Shava Nerad Averett [shava@HERMES.OIT.UNC.EDU]
[From a reliable source on the Internet--forwards removed]
Actually I have SOLID information that Windows NT will be distributed in
chain letter form. Within 60 days you will receive a letter containing a
list of names and addresses, along with instructions to write 10 lines of
C code and send them to the address at the top of the list before you add
your name at the bottom and mail copies to 84 of your friends. Having
done that you will simply simply sit back and wait a few weeks to receive
12.5 million lines of NT source code, which you will then compile and link
to form your NT system.
DO NOT break the chain. Microsoft has spent billions figuring out what to
do to people who break the chain. One beta tester forgot to mail his
source code, and within ten days his system was attacked by a virus and
then destroyed by a power surge. A woman told her friend not to respond
to the pre-release letter, and within hours she fell into a hole and was
devoured by poisonous NT bugs! Another man sent the letter back to
Microsoft, and within weeks he began hallucinating and ended up in
a mental hospital, endlessly repeating the word "downsizing".
Don't tell anyone that you heard this from me.
--------------------------
The following was a "for-real" posting to the local Atlanta
"positions wanted" newsgroup.
I WOULD LIKE A NEW JOBS ANYWHERE IN ATLANTA. I HAVE 12 YEARS OF
SECREARIAL EXPERIENCE WITH SOME ACCOUNTING AND A LOT OF COMPUTER
SKILLS. CALL ME.
You can see that this person still has not found the "lower-case
shift" key on the typewriter, even after 12 years of experience.
Proof-reading skills are also questionable.
But the clincher: there was no telephone number included in the posting!
--------------------------
No wind favors him who has no destined port.
-- Michael De Montaigne
In life as in football, you won't go far unless you know where
the goalposts are.
-- Arnold Glasow
Great minds have purposes, others have wishes.
-- Washington Irving
One way to get high blood pressure is to mountain-climbing over
molehills.
-- Earl Wilson
When you have to make a choice and don't make it, that is in itself
a choice.
-- Will James
While praising the optimist who created the airplane, let us not
forget the pessimist who created the parachute.
-- Anon.
Probably most of us fancy that the old days were better because we
were younger then.
-- Anon.
Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they
will surprise you with their ingenuity.
-- George S. Patton
If you take too long in deciding what to do with your life, you'll
find you've done it.
-- Pam Shaw
People fail to recognize opportunity for two major reasons. First,
opportunity doesn't sail in on a ship...it comes from within.
Second, opportunity rarely looks like an opportunity...often it is
disguised as misfortune, defeat, and rejection.
-- Dennis Waitley
--------------------------
Contributed by: thompson@melita.com (Ken Thompson)
Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. The cool Brutus
Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats, --
Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
--------------------------
The only people you should try to get even with are those who have
helped you.
Always forgive your enemies -- it sure aggravates them!
It's easy to get credit for doing good, but hard to get cash.
--------------------------
Contributed by: thompson@melita.com (Ken Thompson)
SUBTITLES
After the Joust (Fitzgerald): Tender is the Knight
Victory Garden (Tolstoy): War and Peas
Stable Row (Lewis): Mane Street
The Hopeful Scholar (Dickens): Grade Expectations
Group Dieting (Butler): Weigh of All Flesh
Checking Out the Booze (Salinger): Cashier In The Rye
--------------------------
The two best times for fishing are just before you get there and
just after you leave.
Confidence is painting the ceiling after installing the new carpet.
There's a big difference between keeping your chin up and sticking
your neck out.
There was a time when anyone spending $100 for sneakers was
stocking a shoe store.
--------------------------
Seeing ourselves as others see us wouldn't do much good -- we
wouldn't believe it anyway.
Saving for a rainy day takes a longer stretch of clear weather than
it used to.
--------------------------
Contributed by: gcoac!gcpsc
"On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good,
and not quite all of the time."
George Orwell
"In matters of principle, stand like a rock, in matters of taste, swim
with the current."
Thomas Jefferson
"If you wish to make a man your enemy, tell him simply, `You are wrong."
This method works every time."
Henry C. Link
--------------------------
Contributed by: smu!leff
The secretary cleaned out her files and stacked all the discards in two
boxes. She placed a sign on them saying "Rubbish." But the next day
they were still there. So she put on a new sign saying, "Garbage, waste,
refuse; please remove." The next day it was still there, but with a
note: "Cannot remove unless marked trash.'"
Newly married man to his friends: "My wife treats me like a Greek god; she
keeps giving me burnt offerings."
--------------------------
Contributed by: gcoac!gcpsc
"If you're never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take
any chances."
Julia Sorel
--------------------------
Contributed by: gcoac!gcpsc
"Originality is the art of concealing your source."
Franklin P. Jones
"Plan ahead -- it wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark."
General Features Corp.
--------------------------
Contributed by: smu!leff
Old-timer: grandfather clock.
Strange: "Parents spend $40,000 to put a son through college and all they get
is a quarterback."
--------------------------
Contributed by: smu!leff
"I don't think my wife understands me. Does yours?"
"I doubt it, I've never heard her mention your name."
When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
A tired but devoted football fan spent Monday night watching the game.
He fell asleep in front of the television set and slept through the night.
Next morning, his wife, worried that he'd be late for work, shook him
awake syaing, "Dear, it's 20 to seven."
"In whose favor?" he asked.
Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you traveled from where
you started.
The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are working for
someone else
--------------------------
Contributed by: gcoac!gcpsc
"You can't turn back the clock. But you can wind it up again."
Bonnie Prudden
--------------------------
Contributed by: gcoac!gcpsc
"I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I
have of it."
Stephen Leacock
"If you would know strength and patience, welcome the company of trees."
Hal Borland
"The art of teaching is the art of assisting discovery."
Mark Van Doren
"If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred
days of sorrow."
Chinese Proverb
"One of the most difficult things to give away is kindness -- it is
usually returned."
Cort R. Flint
--------------------------
"The world doesn't owe you a thing! Nobody owes you anything.
When you you leave here, don't expect to have a job handed to
you."
James McGregor, representative of the U.S. Information Agency,
advising job-hunting students.
--------------------------
"Many people believe that we have undergone a sexual revolution
in this century, and that we are now breeding confusion more often
than children."
Dr. Warren A. Nord
--------------------------
Contributed by: smu!leff
A man was elected president of a large company. One of the older directors
said, "So now you are president!"
"So it seems," the man smiled.
"Then," said the older man, "you have heard the truth for the last time."
Andrew Carnegie was once asked what he considered most important in
industry: labor, capital or brains. With a laugh Carnegie replied, "Which
is the most important leg of a 3-legged stool?"
A manager was trying to pacify a certain employee who wanted a promotion.
The manager, for many reasons, simply couldn't give it to him. "You
know I cannot give you this promotion now," he told the man, "but I will
do this. You have my permission to go back and tell your friends that I
offered you the job but that you turned it down."
--------------------------
Contributed by: smu!leff
An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
really care to know.
A farmer asked his neighbor if he might borrow a rope. "Sorry," said
the neighbor, "I'm using my rope to tie up my milk."
"Rope can't tie up milk."
"I know," replied the neighbor, "but when a man doesn't want to do
something, one reason is as good as another."
--------------------------
Contributed by: smu!leff
Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics.
Patience is something you admire greatly in the driver behind you but
not in the one ahead of you.
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
It is always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly
concerned about.
When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the
impression you will make.
When you save for a long time to buy something, then find you can't
afford it--that's inflation.
--------------------------
Many people firmly believe in U.F.O.'s and feel that the aliens
flying them will one day contact the responsible leaders of Earth
-- just as soon as they can find one!
Have you been to a Folk Song Festival lately? Do you find it a
bit fascinating to hear a seventeen-year-old kid sing about the
Wabash Cannonball? He doesn't even remember trolly cars!
However, one has to be a bit suspicious of all these authentic
folk songs they're digging up. At latest count, there's at least
18,742,00 folk songs around. And a hundred years ago there
weren't even that many folk!
--------------------------
Contributed by: smu!leff
An economist was asked to talk to a group of business people about the
recession. She tacked up a big sheet of white paper. Then she made
a black spot on the paper with her pencil and asked a man in front
row what he saw. The man replied promptly, "A black spot."
The speaker asked every person the same question, and each replied,
"A black spot."
With calm and deliberate emphasis the speaker said: "Yes there is
a little black spot, but none of your mentioned the big sheet of white
paper. And that's my speech."
--------------------------
Contributed by: smu!leff
Climbing up the ladder of success is a hands-on affair. You don't
see anyone climbing up any kind of ladder with his hands in his
pockets, do you?"
As one veteran speaker used to say when he began his presentations,
"All of us have jobs to do here this afternoon. Mine is to speak.
Yours is to listen. I hope that we finish together--that you don't
get done before I do."
--------------------------
I never realized just how reserved and proper the English
are until I saw a lifeguard at an English beach giving
handshake-to-handshake resuscitation.
-- Anonymous
--------------------------
Contributed by: gcoac!gcpsc
"Budget; a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions."
A. A. Latimer
Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which in prosperous
circumstances would have lain dormant.
-- Horace
We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
-- La Rochefoucauld
"The man who insists upon seeing with perfect clearness before he
decides, never decides."
Henri Frederic Amiel
"The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a
job application form."
Stanley J. Randall
"By appreciation, we make excellence in others our own property."
Voltaire
"One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly
making exciting discoveries."
A. A. Milne
"It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have
to do, that makes life blessed."
Goethe
"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
or not."
Mark Twain
"School is a building that has four walls---with tomorrow inside."
Lon Watters
"How beautiful a day can be when kindness touches it."
George Elliston
"The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others."
Doug Larson
"The nicest thing about the promise of Spring is that sooner or later
she'll have to keep it."
Mark Beltaire
"I believe that genius is an infinite capacity for taking life by the
scruff of the neck."
Christopher Quill
"In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist
has a better time on the trip."
Daniel L. Reardon
"If you want children to improve, let them hear the nice things you
say about them to others."
Dr. Haim Ginott
"The great end of life is not knowledge but action."
Thomas Henry Huxley
--------------------------
If a man does not make new acquaintances, as he advances through
life, he will soon find himself left alone. A man should keep his
friendships in good repair.
-- Dr. Johnson
Make the most of the day, by determining to spend it on two
sorts of acquaintances only -- those by whom something may be got,
and those from whom something may be learned.
-- Colton
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life humor collection maintainer, selections from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
Back to my Life Humor Page
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