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Subject: Life E.L
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---------------------------------------
Date: 10 Aug 94 11:06:40 PDT (Wednesday)
Subject: Life E.L
]From Spaf's Yucks Digests:
spaf@cs.purdue.edu (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
----------------------------------------------------
From: Paul Thublin [paul@sware.com]
Heard on a talk radio program last night about Georgia writers:
The question was posed to a supporter of keeping the old Georgia state
flag (it's the Confederate Battle Flag, for any ignorant bluecoats up
there, and we recently considered changing it because it was thought to
be racially discriminatory):
"So why did the South need a Civil War battle flag
anyway? The North didn't have one."
"Well, you see, that's because the South is a place,
and the North is just a direction out of the South."
--------------------------
From: borton@wiretap.spies.com (Chris Borton)
[These were written with Mac programmers in mind, but can be applied
elsewhere too...]
##From develop 17:
Craig Prouse, in response to Dave Johnson's question, "What's so interesting
about programming computers, anyway?":
"The reason I program is because I'm a compulsive problem solver, and my
computer is a never-ending source of problems."
##
You have been chosen to participate in a process that will allow you to
finally finish that dream project you have always wanted to work on.
Below is a list of seven projects currently under development. Write 10
lines of code for the project at the top of the list. Send it to the
email address listed. Remove the top name from the list and add in you
project as item seven. Forward this new message to ten of your
programming buddies. In a few weeks you will receive ten million lines
of code written for your project.
This is not a chain letter! This is a multi-level program development
system. Please to not disrupt the development effort. Ten lines of
code should be pretty easy for and experienced programer like
yourself. Take a bit of time and be part of some really big software.
If you participate your project will soon be complete.
1 Windows NT C++ Bill@microsoft.com
2 WP60/win 8088 Assembler Janitor@Wordperfect.com
3 Cairo Visual Basic Mrs.Gates@microsoft.com
4 HubbleControl Forth Committee@NASA.gov
5 MarsObserver 8088 Assembler NutherCommittee@lostinspace
6 96Voteware Cobol Hilary@whitehouse.gov
7 TraficControl Fortran Joe@redlight.com
--------------------------
From: normanc523@aol.com
FORT WORTH, Tex. (AP) -- A petroleum engineer has his eyes on five miles of
dark, damp tunnels, where scientists had once contemplated smashing atoms.
But Naresh Vashisht doesn't want it for science. He wants to harvest white
button mushrooms.
Vashisht, president of a Texas firm that owns a Colorado mushroom farm, says
the underground remnants of the uncompleted Superconducting Super Collider
south of Dallas are prime turf for fungus, if not for physics.
The five-mile stretch of tunnel is 200 feet underground and sealed with
concrete. The Energy Department is considering abandoning the tunnels and
letting them fill with water.
"I think that is probably a waste of resources," Vashisht said, "if something
can be done economically like I'm thinking can be done."
--------------------------
From: Michael Cook [mlc@iberia.cca.cr.rockwell.com]
I was in a department store this week getting ready to check-out.
I saw a check-out lane with the sign:
"No candy in this lane"
which is to allow parents with children to avoid some last minute
"I want that" problems.
But what did I see? All those weekly magazines/tabloids with
headlines shouting about John Candy!
--------------------------
From: knauer@ibeam.intel.com (Rob Knauerhase)
]From the "Private Eye Weekly" (3/23/94), a Salt Lake City alternative paper
(not my usual reading fare, but I was dining alone and was bored):
Commuter vehicle
To dramatize traffic congestion in Lisbon, Portugal's Socialist
Party organized a race between a burro and a Ferrari 348 TS coupe
on a 1.6-mile course along a crowded road from suburban Odivelas
to one of the main entrances of the capital. The burro beat the
Ferrari by four minutes.
Being in Oregon (but not _of_ Oregon) with its quaint local driving habits,
I can sympathize with the poor guy in the Ferrari.
[Not only that, but if you *really* get stuck in a terrible traffic jam,
you can't kill the Ferrari and eat it to survive... --spaf]
--------------------------
From: ck0949@csc.albany.edu (KIELY CHRISTIAN E)
Subj: how stupid do they think we are???
upon lookin on the back of my Merriam-Webster Thesaurus i noticed
this little tidbit:
-Its alphabetical arrangement eliminates the need for complicated
indexing, making word-finding fast and easy
is there any other way to possible organize a thesaurus???
[Sure. For instance, alphabetize the letters in the word, then list
those in sorted order. You would find the word alphabetical listed
under aaabcehillpt. Soundex coding might be a way, too. Or by
frequency of use in written or spoken English based on some sample (so
"flame" would be found before "etiquette", rather as on the Usenet).
Anybody got something sillier than these? --spaf]
--------------------------
From: jlpicard@bga.com (Craig Becker)
Subj: John Johnson for Mayor
Newsgroups: austin.general
Did anyone else, this fine Easter Sunday morning, manage to catch the misc
and sundry mayoral candidates on Austin Access Cable?
I wish I'd taped it, as it featured one of those great unsung moments in
television history, namely, mayoral candidate John Johnson, who informed
us that yes, he was an ex-con, but the media has done him wrong and that
people should contact the DA in New Jersey, who will inform them that he
was _not_ a hit-man, merely a wheel-man, and that he participated in five
hits (not four, as apparently the media has reported), and that the only
man he ever killed was so-and-so, who raped the wife of a friend who was
in prison.
He went on to say that despite the rumors, he does _not_ have AIDS, he has
done his time in prison, undergone a metamorphosis, and that law-and-order
is high on his agenda.
Only in Austin...
--------------------------
From: normanc523@aol.com
The story in Yucks, V4 #11, about candy in check-out lines reminded me of the
time I was visiting in Cheyenne, Wyoming, and stopped in a local variety
store. In addition to the usual candy and gum at the check-out line, they
had stocked boxes of shotgun shells. I can just hear those little cowtykes
now, "Mommy, mommy, can I please have some bullets?" "Not now, you haven't
shot the ones I bought for you last week!"
--------------------------
From: schuba (Christoph Schuba)
got it from a friend in Germany:
"Who's on stage?" "Yes" "Yes is on stage?" "No, Yes isn't at this
concert, Who's on stage!" "Who?" "Yes!" "Yes is the name of the group on
stage?" "No, silly, Yes isn't here, Who's on stage." "Look, what's their
name?" "Who!" "The band, the band on stage!" "No, The Band's coming on
later, Who's on stage!" "I'm asking you!"
--------------------------
From: normanc523@aol.com
]From the "Emergency Procedures Guidelines" publication at Chaffey College in
Rancho Cucamonga, California:
EMERGENCY PROCEDURE FOR WIND
Identification of Wind
1. Perception of strong winds.
2. Horizontal movement of large objects, large quantities of sand,
or non-walking persons.
3. Inability of small persons to remain erect.
4. Breaking of windows or doors.
--------------------------
From: zac@tractor.austin.ibm.com (Zac Corbiere)
Newsgroups: austin.general
Hello everyone,
My news feed seems not to be working too well, so I'm not sure this will
even make it outside IBM. However, I am definitely not receiving any new
articles and haven't been for about 2 1/2 days. With this in mind, would
everyone please stop posting to Usenet until this is fixed? I don't want
to miss anything. Also, please be so kind as to prepare archives of
anything you have posted in the last 2 1/2 days. I will notify you when
my news feed is fixed and, at that time, you can repost your articles.
Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.
--------------------------
From: rog@cdc.hp.com (Roger Haaheim)
Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.psychology
Is schizophrenia declining? Part of me says yes and part of me
says no...
--------------------------
From: "Scott A. McIntyre" [scott@shrug.org]
A british man, whose name escapes me, was recently convicted of murder -- but
an appeal is imminent. The grounds? Apparently four of the jury members used
a Ouija board to contact the victim, who allegedly informed them that the
defendant did indeed do the dirty deed. If the appeal is quashed, we may be
able to solve quite a few outstanding murders....
--------------------------
From: sub@expert.cc.purdue.edu (Nathan Strange)
Subject: Back Home in Indiana
Newsgroups: purdue.cc.general
] By a large margin, more serial killers are from Indiana than any other
] state in the United States (The serial killer world leader)
]
] There's a long list of Hoosier Hommicidal Maniacs...
] Ted bundy, Charles Manson, The Interstate Killer (This guy's brother
] is a teacher at Barr Reeve high school in Montgomery, IN)
]
] Anyway I would like to propose a contest....
]
] No, it's not who can kill the most people apparently randomly, but with
] one tell-tale commonality...
]
] The contest is who can think up the best new Hoosier license plate slogan....
]
] Here's a few of my ideas...
]
] "The Axe Murderer State"
] "You don't have to be crazy to live here... but it helps"
] "Wander Indiana - I DARE YOU"
] "Hoosier Hospitality -Not What It Seems"
] "There's something in the corn..."
] "Amber Waves of Pain"
] "Don't Ask What's in the Chili"
] "Land of Manson"
] "The Prosac State"
]
] There is no prize, only Glory...
--------------------------
From: cromwell@ecn.purdue.edu (Bob Cromwell)
Recently heard an ad on an Indy radio station for some indoor dirt-bike
event (one of those where the announcer sounds like Darth Vadar on
amphetamines). Promised an event so extreme that it would "rearrange
your DNA!!!!" Not exactly what I would view as a feature, unless they
could somehow guarantee beneficial mutations.
[Considering some of the people who view dirt-bike events and tractor-pulls
as the highlights of their social lives, I would suspect that almost any
rearrangement might prove beneficial. --spaf]
--------------------------
From: reid@iss.nus.sg (Thomas Reid)
Newsgroups: comp.edu
cdash@cs.colorado.edu (charlie shan) wrote:
: shan@calvin.fnal.gov (Jianping Shan) writes:
: =] I like to know the ranking of computer science gradute program
: =] especially the top 10. Could any of you post it or tell me where to find it?
: ^^^^^^^
: This keeps coming up, perhaps an answer ought to go in the FAQ
: The University of Wyoming, at 7200 feet above sea level, appears to be
: one of the top programs, if not the highest. New Mexico Highlands
: University, by its very name is also way up there.
: --
[I guess this leaves little hope for those of us at sea-level.]
--------------------------
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
thanks for printing my comeback in yucks. When I saw it, I wanted to
pass on the comment from Frank Young at Rose-Hulman that he, his
secretary, and several of his faculty all were taller than 6 feet and
that, he felt, qualified them as another "top" program.
I also received a clueless post from somebody who thought i was
serious about wyoming having a "high quality" program and who couldn't
understand why they weren't represented in journals.
--------------------------
From: "Michael Cook, 124-211, x2792" [mlc@iberia.cca.cr.rockwell.com]
]From Info-Mac Digest V12 #6:
----------
File: JetFrog 3.0.4.sit (176811 bytes)
DL time (9600 baud): [ 4 minutes
Download count: 284
Uploaded on: America Online
AUTHOR: Dan Green (MPG6)
EQUIPMENT: Any Mac (color recommended)
NEEDS: A person
LIBRARY: New/Arcade/MGM
KEYWORDS: JET FROG TONGUE FLIES
Cool game where you are a frog in search of flies. The addition of a jet pack
gives you an edge over the flies. Four awesome levels! New version 3.0.4 that
fixes major bugs in JetFrog 3.0.2 c.
----------
(What could those "major bugs" be? Frogs, watch out! -- MLC)
[The image of a frog with a jetback is mind-boggling. --spaf]
--------------------------
From: Patrick Tufts [zippy@cs.brandeis.edu]
From: solarcar@zeta.coe.neu.edu (Randell Drane (Prof. Kowalski))
Newsgroups: rec.skiing
Subject: Re: Problems getting of lifts (with a snowboard)
Date: 17 Jan 1994 22:31:25 GMT
In article [2heojj$4ib@cmcl2.NYU.EDU] prokoshn@acf2.nyu.edu (Andrew) writes:
[....]
emaul me if you would like to continue the discussion...
[I wonder if "emaul" requires a Brinkman? --spaf]
--------------------------
From: thompsn@CC.UManitoba.CA
Taken without permission from the local paper, (_The Winnipeg Free
Press_) dated Jan 18/94:
_TUNES GET A TAD PRICKLY WHEN PLAYING A CACTUS_
You've probably always considered the cactus a fairly quiet
plant. Think again.
"Apparently, when you put a contact mike on a cactus you get some
really excellent sounds," says Winnipeg vocalist Therese Costes.
The motive for planting a mike on the cactus in the first place
is GroundSwell's latest concert, which is being curated by Costes.
[....]
One of the evening's pieces [...] involves an amplified cactus.
[....]
For the plant-life portion of the program, a microphone will be
hooked up to the cactus. The plant will then be "played" by
percussionist Savador Ferreras. "Apparently, the distance between
the spines is crucial," Costes explains. "You're supposed to get
some really interesting sounds."
We all know Spaf's favorite saying... "Some people have entirely
too much free time on their hands." (*sigh*)
--------------------------
From: naragget@orion.oac.uci.edu (Ned Raggett)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k
Anne P. Mitchell Esq. (shedevil@vix.com) wrote:
]: We were watching the rerun of The Unearthly last night, and I almost
]: howled with laughter when I heard Crow jest, during a scene where the
]: evil doctor was doing surgery on a victim "we should install a SCSCI
]: port while we're in here"!
]
]: Are there other instances of such humour that only a real geek would
]: get? [and WHO is the real geek writer on the show?]
One of the better ones along those lines occured in "Master Ninja II"; an
FBI agent rushes over to a phone and picks it up, at which point Tom
chimes in with "Microsoft Services, could you please hold for an hour?"
When I showed the film to my roommate, he absolutely died at that line;
I had to stop the film! Turns out he had had to call Microsoft at some
point concerning some of his software and had gotten just about that
level of treatment! Ah well.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
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