From cate3@netcom.com Tue Aug 8 09:08:00 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life E.I
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 21 Jul 94 17:16:13 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life E.I
The following are selections from The Top 5 List run by:
TOP5@ris.risinc.com
----------------------------------------------------
The Top *17* Signs Your Grandparents Are Becoming Senile
8] Start to plan their Sunday nights around "Murder She Wrote."
7] Refer to each other as `Roy' and `Dale', and keep asking
if you've seen Trigger.
1] What was the question?
Today's credits:
Michael Wolf, Bronx, NY - 1
Roger Ciotti, - 7
Ken Woo, San Diego, CA - 8
--------------------------
The Top *14* Weird Bribes From Washington Lobbyists
14] Briefcase full of authentic Count Chocula cereal.
13] Free airfare on an all-smoking flight and free room at an
all-smoking hotel compliments of Phillip Morris Tobacco Co.
9] 1000 business cards that conveniently double as Monopoly "Get
Out of Jail Free" cards.
Today's credits:
Lemel Hebert-Williams, - 1, 5, 7, 11, 14 (Nice effort!)
Marshal Perlman, Palm Bay, FL - 9 (Rookie!)
Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN - 13
--------------------------
The Top *17* Signs Summer Is Almost Here
17] Department stores begin putting up Christmas decorations.
l6] Price of 7-11 Super Big Gulp jumps three dollars.
14] Breathless vocals of "I Love To Love You Baby" heard in
the background. (Oops! That's a sign that *Donna* Summer
is almost here!)
11] Liberals' demand for affordable housing replaced with request
for six-pound bag of otter pops.
4] Neighborhood children seen making dirt angels on front lawn.
Today's credits:
Bill Burnett, Lexington, MA - 1, 17 (Rookie!)
LeMel Hebert-Williams, Alameda, CA. - 11, 16
Jeff Johnson, ?? - 5, 14 (Rookie!)
John Hering, Alexandria, VA - 4 (Rookie!)
--------------------------
The Top *22* Things Not To Say In A Job Interview
21] "Can we make this quick? Oprah's on in 15 minutes."
17] "Could you notify my parole officer that I've found a job?"
12] "I ain't never used no computer, but I reckon I could
give it a whirl."
11] "You gonna eat the rest of that sandwich?"
10] "What will I be doing in 5 years? Watching you beg for
your job, pal."
6] "So the presidential motorcade passes right under
this window, eh?"
5] "References, schmeferences -- We're talking trust here, babe."
Today's credits:
Roger Ciotti, Kenosha, WI - 2, 5, 16
Sean Erwin, San Diego, CA - 1, 6
Mitch Patterson, Melbourne, FL - 10
Marshal Perlman, Palm Bay, FL - 11
Chris Willis, Boston, MA - 12 (Rookie!)
Norman Kenney, San Diego, CA - 17
Peter Friedman, Dartmouth - 17 (Rookie!)
Dan Deangelis, Penn St, PA - 21
--------------------------
The Top 5 New Candy Bars Rejected By Hersheys
14] The 100,000 Peso Bar
13] Hershey's Hickeys -- when Kisses just ain't enough...
Today's credits:
Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL - 2, 14
Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD - 7, 13
Sam Evans, Charleston, SC - 9, 13, Topic
--------------------------
The Top 5 Excuses For An Unexplained Absence From Work
20] Couldn't miss the Mega-sale at Ammo Attic.
15] Exchanged car for worthless "magic" beans.
8] Concerns over North Korean nuclear threat totally
bummed me out.
3] Taken hostage by crazed marching band members demanding
new uniforms and a Rose Bowl appearance.
2] Just not comfortable leaving the house with Mothra
still on the loose.
Today's credits:
LeMel Hebert-Williams, Alameda, CA - 2
Scrivener John, San Jose, CA - 3, 10
Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD - 4, 8
Joseph Funk, San Francisco, CA - 1, 15
Mitch Patterson, Melbourne, FL - 20
--------------------------
The Top *19* Reasons Fergie and Prince Andrew Should Reunite
19] Give the tabloids something to write about since England
isn't in the World Cup.
16] Mattel offering top-dollar contract for Raggedy Ferg &
Andy dolls.
11] They're integral to the plot of "King Ralph II."
1] No one makes mashed potatoes quite the way Fergie does.
Today's credits:
Donna Tschetter, Saratoga Springs, NY - 1
Mitch Patterson, Melbourne, FL - 7, 11, 15
Ken Wilson, Kansas City, MO - 16
Jeff Johnson, Daly City, CA - 17, 19
--------------------------
The Top *15* Things Overheard During The World Cup Opening Weekend
4] "ONLY ONE POINT AFTER NINETY BLOODY MINUTES!?!?!"
3] "Wave, schmave -- lets start a riot!"
1] "Paging the owner of a white Ford Bronco -- California
plates 'J-U-I-C-E' -- your engine is running and the
emergency flashers are on."
Today's contributors:
Sam Evans, Charleston, SC - 1, 13
Greg Sherwin, Palo Alto, CA - 3
Bob Wells, Karlsruhe, Germany - 4 (Rookie!)
--------------------------
MODERATOR'S NOTE: I've tried to refrain from using submitted
items referring to O.J. Simpson, because I truly believe that
a person should be presumed innocent until proven guilty.
But, putting aside the double murder charges, O.J. is already
guilty of two crimes -- using up hundreds of thousands of
California taxpayer dollars taking a leisurely Sunday afternoon
drive around the Los Angeles freeway system, complete with
dozens of police escorts, and pre-empting the NBA Finals
game 5 featuring MY Houston Rockets! Therefore, the gloves
are now officially off, and here we go...
The Top *17* Reasons For O.J. Simpson's Freeway Drive
17] Miffed at always being passed up for grand marshall of
Rose Parade.
16] Thought he was supposes to surrender to the *New York*
police.
13] Missed the sign that said "Next Exit: Food, Gas, Ammo."
12] Figured he could outwit Tommy Lee Jones long enough to
find the real culprit.
4] Desperate last-ditch attempt to wrest "Sportsperson of the
Year" honors away from Tonya Harding.
2] Psychiatrist-prescribed "Route 66 Therapy" went horribly wrong.
Today's contributors:
Jim Louderback, San Fransisco, CA - 2
Norman Kenney, San Diego, CA - 4
Ken Wilson, Kansas City, MO - 12
David E. Spiro, Cambridge, MA - 13
Ravin' Dave Furstenau, Lincoln, NE - 16 (Rookie!)
Sharon Yonkers, whereabouts unknown - 17 (Rookie!)
Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN - 17 (Hall of Famer)
--------------------------
The Top *15* Things Arsenio Hall Is Doing These Days
13] Seen holding a "Will Schmooze for Food" sign on Hollywood
Boulevard.
10] Enjoying quiet afternoons feeding pigeons in the park.
4] Created new catch phrase, "It's an *unemployment* thang!"
1] Wrestlemania XXV -- Arsenio vs Tonya!!
Today's contributors:
John Hering, Alexandria, VA - 1
Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD - 4, 8, 13, Topic
Sam Evans, Charleston, SC - 10 (Hall of Famer)
--------------------------
Today's Top 5 List starts off with a from-the-heart
congratulations to the new NBA champion Houston Rockets!
The Top *18* Signs There Is Intelligent Life In The Universe
18] Ben & Jerry are stepping down!
15] Plan to infiltrate Earth with Top 10 lists and variants
working like a charm.
13] New constellation forming near Orion in the shape of Elvis'
face with a red circle around it and a line through it.
12] Can't be sheer coincidence that almost any three stars
in the night sky form a triangle.
11] Innermost ring of Saturn consists mainly of luggage lost
during space travel.
7] Finally proven: Earthly technology incapable of producing
silly putty.
5] Shopping cart wheels with minds of their own!
4] Calls to space shuttle mysteriously put on call-waiting.
2] Unexplained "Kick Me" sign found taped to back of astronaut
after space walk.
Today's contributors:
Steve Maybo, San Diego, CA - 1, 2 (Hall of Fame)
Don Horton, Sacramento, CA - 4 (Rookie!)
Ric Belding, Anaheim, CA - 5, 9
LeMel Hebert-Williams, Alameda, CA - 7, 12
Mitch Patterson, Melbourne, FL - 11
David Pilkington, Lake Forest, IL - 13 (Rookie!)
Elliott Schiff, Pittsburgh, PA - 15
Sam Evans, Charleston, SC - 18 (Hall of Fame)
--------------------------
The Top *13* Choices For Tonya Harding's Wrestling Name
13] The Portland Pit Bull
11] The Pouty Princess of Pain
10] Harding of the Arteries
5] Hulk Harding
3] Tonyasaurus
Today's contributors:
Greg Sherwin, Palo Alto, CA - 3
Kim Moser, New York, NY - 1, 5, 13
Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD - 11
--------------------------
The Top *15* Reasons "Star Trek - The Next Generation" Was Cancelled
15] Time slot needed for "A Team - The Next Generation."
12] Too many cameramen blinded while focusing on Picard's head.
10] Enterprise crew members afraid of falling off the edge
of the universe and being eaten by dragons.
9] Network execs must have been out of their Vulcan minds.
3] Uninsured Wesley totaled Enterprise on Spring Break joyride
to Starbase 24.
Today's credits:
Greg Sherwin, Palo Alto, CA - 3
Steve Maybo, San Diego, CA - 9, 15 (Hall of Fame)
Chris White, San Diego, CA - 10, 15
David Pilkington, Lake Forest, IL - 12, Topic
--------------------------
The Top 15 Excuses Used By The Tobacco Industry
15] Maybe Jim Bob wasn't quite ready for that promotion to
Head Chemist, after all.
14] Joe Camel provides jobs for otherwise unemployed cartoonists.
11] Was that 2 or 3 suitcases full of money for you, Senator?
7] The Marlboro Man looks healthy, don't he?
3] Don't blame us, blame those Bic lighter guys.
Today's contributors:
Scott Bolton, Schaumburg, IL - 3 (Rookie!)
Burt Paulson, Marysville, WA - 7 (Rookie!)
Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA - 11 (Rookie!)
Jeffrey T. Johnson, Daly City, CA - 14
Sharon Yonkers, Clarksville, TN - 15
--------------------------
The Top 15 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Guy To Remodel Your House
14] Uses "The Clapper" to turn power saw on and off.
13] Paints the living room with 15,000 bottles of White-Out.
8] On the day the insulation is to be put down, shows up
wearing Pink Panther costume.
7] Mike Wallace from "60 Minutes" drops by with camera crew.
Ken Woo, San Diego, CA - 7 (Hall of Fame)
Alan Wagner, Bayside, WI - 8 (Rookie!)
Brian Schroer, University City, MO - 2, 13 (Rookie!)
John Hering, Alexandria, VA - 14
--------------------------
The Top 15 Things Overheard Over The 4th of July Weekend
11] "I'm sorry, Mr. Arafat, these Stinger missiles in your
suitcase *don't* qualify as fireworks."
7] "Get your 'No taxation without representation'
T-shirts here".
Lemon Rinaldi, San Francisco, CA - 1, 5, 7
Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD - 11, 15
--------------------------
The Top *20* Food Ideas Rejected By McDonald's
17] Shirley McLean Burger
7] The Depressed Meal
2] Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal
Elliott Schiff, Pittsburgh, PA - 1, 17
Mike Wolf, Bronx, NY - 2
Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR - 7
--------------------------
The Top *16* Excuses Used For Getting Out Of A Speeding Ticket
15] "Aye, Captain, I have to get the Enterprise washed, gassed
up, and back to Starfleet Command before they miss 'er!"
10] "We don't have speed limits on *my* planet."
6] "I gotta get to the bakery -- it's time to make the
doughnuts!!"
Kim Moser, New York, NY - 5, 6
Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA - 10
Roger P. Ciotti, Kenosha, WI - 15
--------------------------
The Top *20* Least-Known Three Stooges Movies
20] The Three Stooges vs. Godzilla
19] The 1992 Vice-Presidential Debate
2] The Goon, The Bald, and the Hey, Wiseguy
Jeff Johnson, Daly City, CA - 2, 9
Jim Louderback, San Francisco, CA - 7, 20
Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR - 19
--------------------------
The Top *18* Signs Your Mechanic Is Losing It
16] Replaces your fan belt with a pair of bikini underwear.
8] Keeps asking you if you've seen that episode of Gilligan's
Island where they almost get rescued, but Gilligan screws
it up in the end.
7] Believes your Hyundai is possessed by the spirit of
Kim Il Sung.
6] Replaces diagnostic computer with Magic 8 Ball.
1] Won't stop humming "The Wheels On The Bus Go 'Round And Round."
Paul E. Schindler Jr., Orinda, CA - 1
Joe Desiderio, New York, NY - 6 (Rookie!)
Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD - 7
Kris Lawrence, Greensboro, NC - 2, 8 (Rookie!)
Michele Marie Beltran, Lansing, MI - 10, 16
--------------------------
The Top *15* Questions Asked Of Supreme Court Nominees
14] Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?
12] What do you like on your pizza?
10] How 'bout that O.J. mess?
9] OK, let's say a long-time senator from a very famous
family goes for a drive with his secretary, and kind
of, ya know, drives off a bridge or something, killing
the babe -- he wouldn't be guilty, would he?
7] Should the rabbit be allowed to eat Trix?
6] Is justice a) eagle-eyed, b) sorta near-sighted,
or c) blind as a bat?
Kim Moser, New York, NY - 6
Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN - 7 (Hall of Fame)
Jim Louderback, San Francisco, CA - 9
Norman Kenney, Vista, CA - 10
Sam Evans, Charleston, SC - 8, 12 (Hall of Fame)
Alkes Price, Philadelphia, PA - 8, 14
--------------------------
The Top *20* Reasons Why The Top5 Newsletter Is Late
18] Moderator enjoys domestic chores more than computer work.
17] Mr. Moderator was too busy stealing list topics from
popular talk shows.
9] Hey, *you* try counting 17 or 18 "Top 5" items!
5] CBS interested in the Top 5 List -- moderator holding
out for "$1 more than Dave got."
3] What? The Top 5 newsletter is late? Get President
Carter on the phone!
1] Moderator still waiting for the swelling in his head to
go down after the recent PC Week 15 minutes of fame.
Jimmy White, Austin, TX - 1
Joe Desiderio, New York, NY - 3
Amy Winkelman, unknown - 5, 10, 20, Topic (Rookie!)
Ric Belding, Anaheim, CA - 9
Dan DeAngelis, Hershey, PN - 17
Nancy Matus, Cardiff, CA - 18 (Roomie!)
--------------------------
The Top *20* Songs On The Benedictine Monks' Best-Selling CD
20] Hey, Hey, We're The Monks
11] Give Peace A Chant
9] 50 Ways To Leave Your Monestary
8] Born To Be Mild
3] I Write The Psalms
Greg Sherwin, Palo Alto, CA - 3
Brian Schroer, University City, MO - 8, 12
Jim Louderback, San Francisco, CA - 9
Eric Huret, Charlotte, NC - 11 (Rookie!)
Sue Heim, San Diego, CA - 20, Topic
--------------------------
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page