From cate3@netcom.com Thu Aug 3 13:04:34 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life E.H
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 21 Jul 94 16:41:24 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life E.H
The following selections are from:
[siegela@deshaw.com] Andrew Siegel's humor collection
"Bits and Bytes" mailing list run by: JAYMACHADO@delphi.com [Jay Machado]
Fishnet, a mailing list run by: pauld@cs.washington.edu (Paul Barton-Davis)
[datawhiz@delphi.com] A friend of Tim Norman's humor collection
----------------------------------------------------
The following selections are from a collection of humor built by:
Andrew Siegel [siegela@deshaw.com]
--------------------------
From: tbc@large.cray.com (Tom Craig)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subj: Re: Diamonds and other fancy rocks..8-)
My father claims that he didn't get my mother a diamond engagement ring
because "Diamond are thermodynamically unstable, and eventually will
decay into graphite". He says he offered to get her a graphite ring
because "graphite is forever", but she declined. What the heck, they've
been married for almost 50 years now. (He's a physical chemist and she's
an organic chemist, and people wonder why I'm so wierd!)
--------------------------
]From: kdq@demott.COM (Kevin D. Quitt)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
Subj: Re: sex for grades
When I was a TA, I had a very attractive female (I hesitate to say
"lady") approach me and say "I'd do _anything_ to get a good grade" (her
emphasis. It was too easy - I could hardly stand it. So we played it
out: I said "Anything?", she nodded, I said "Study!".
(look at how much fun I'm still having with it.)
--------------------------
]From: ruthc@sco.COM ( )
Q. what do you have if you've got 6.02*10^23 avocados?
A. a guacamole!
----------------------------------------------------
The following selections are the "Bits and Bytes" mailing list run by:
JAYMACHADO@delphi.com [Jay Machado]
--------------------------
From: JAYMACHADO@delphi.com [Jay Machado]
The Information Superhighway -- maybe you've heard or read about it
somewhere lately. I am appointing myself keeper of the cliches. Hey,
somebody's got to do it. Please send me any Information highway
metaphors you may run across in your travels. (If it's an article
headline the source would be nice) Invent some new cliches of your own.
Here's some examples to get you started:
Building the On Ramps to the Information Superhighway.
Setting the Speed Limits on the Information Highway.
Tollbooths on the Information Superhighway.
The Information Superhypeway.
The Information Highway: Under Construction.
--------------------------
=] FORWARD... INTO THE PAST. This is too cool, in a retro sort of way.
S.H. Pierce and Co.'s new software takes your QuickTime animation
and turns them into color or b/w flipbooks. Oh, you heard me right.
The Flipbook software comes with a special paper that's easy to
assemble into your very own flipbooks. "For when you're tired of
being wired" is how the ad puts it. Indeed. The ad's on page 21 of
the April '94 WIRED. [[ACCESS]] S.H. Pierce (617/338-2222)
=] PICK YOUR CITY VIA DISK. A software version of the best-selling
"Places Rated Almanac" allows you to pick your ideal city,
factoring in, for instance, your tolerance for crime against your
desire to have more access to fine arts. The computer crunches the
numbers and comes up with your dream city. (SOURCE: St. Petersburg
Times 11/1/93, p. E2) (E/P)
=] HOLOGRAPHIC DATA STORAGE. IBM scientists predict that holographic
technology will make it possible to store the entire Encyclopedia
Britannica in a space the size and thickness of a penny.
Holographic memory systems can stack data 40 "pages" deep, as
opposed to computer disk and magnetic tape, which line up data on
flat, single-layer tracks. The deeper "pages" can be read by
tilting the angle of the laser beam used for reading the data.
(Investor's Business Daily 1/20/94 p.4) (E/P)
=] HIGH TECH SUPERSTORE. Infrared devices designed to gauge the flow
of shoppers into stores are being installed in shopping centers in
London and other major UK cities. Such a system can also help
retailers count the number of times shoppers pick up and put down
products by firing an infrared beam across individual shelves to
find out precisely which are the most eye-catching parts of the
store. (SOURCE: London Sunday Times, 10/24/93) (E/P)
--------------------------
What's Wrong With this Crazy Old World Anyway?
"The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be
reduced; the arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and
controlled. Payments to foreign governments must be reduced, if the
nation doesn't want to go bankrupt. People must again learn to work,
instead of living on public assistance."
-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, 55 BC
--------------------------
=] ELVIS TOPS COW CHARTS. One herd studied by scientists produced more
milk while listening to the King. This was supported by another
study, which showed that cows generally prefer rock'n'roll to other
music.
--------------------------
=] NEW ONLINE SERVICES. Holy Clipper Chip, Batman, it's DC Comics
Online, coming soon to America Online. DC Comics, the creators of
Batman and Superman, will offer previews of upcoming comics,
interviews, a graphics library, behind-the-scenes looks at how
comics are made and special online events, including trivia
contests and celebrity visits. (SOURCE: Newsbytes 4/21/94)
--------------------------
=] COLLECTABLE COMPUTERS. Early personal computers are now collectors'
items. For example, the first IBM PC, marketed in 1981, sells for
$50 to $60. "People collect them like old radios that don't work,
like old TV's that don't work," said one dealer. Someday we'll be
collecting mainframes that way. "Yeah, this old IBM 3090 is almost
as smart as my car!" (source: NYT 2/24/94 B6) (E/P)
----------------------------------------------------
The following selections are from Fishnet, a mailing list run by:
pauld@cs.washington.edu (Paul Barton-Davis)
--------------------------
]From the sig corner:
------
From: dtrojan@mail.sas.upenn.edu
dtrojan@mail.sas.upenn.edu "We ought to be seeking tentative answers to
(215) 386-2508 fundamental questions, rather than definitive
answers to trivial ones." J.H. Bilington
--------------------------
From: jputnam@eskimo.com (Joshua Putnam)
If citizens, attaining equality, were to remain ignorant and
coarse, it would be difficult to forsee any limit to the stupid
excesses into which their selfishness might lead them.
-- Alexis de Tocqueville, _Democracy in America_
--------------------------
From: mgm@xmission.com (michael moncur)
~` michael moncur, BC, OEADM - mgm@xmission.com/mgm@world.std.com [X] fot#1 ~`
"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
-- Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a colleague
--------------------------
From: kevint@halcyon.com
: Kevin Talbot kevint@halcyon.com Compuserve ID: 75706,316 :
:------------------------------------------------------------------------:
: "I am not a role model. I am not paid to be a role model. I am paid :
: to wreak havoc on the basketball court." - NBA star Charles Barkley :
--------------------------
From: tls@panix.com (Thor Lancelot Simon)
Thor Lancelot Simon tls@panix.COM
But as he knew no bad language, he had called him all the names of common
objects that he could think of, and had screamed: "You lamp! You towel! You
plate!" and so on. --Sigmund Freud
----------------------------------------------------
The following are selections from a humor collectiong a friend of:
Tim Norman [datawhiz@delphi.com]
Had built up over the years
--------------------------
Core Dump
The corpse of a process, left in its working directory.
Dump
A Perl statement that is one of the many ways to get a Perl program
to produce a core file. Most of the other ones are undocumented.
Fork
To create a child process identical to the parent process, at
least until it gets ideas of its own.
Host
What a parasite lives in or on. Your programs have this
relationship to the computer.
--------------------------
[The following are in reference to a University Cafeteria trays]
- The Book of Daka -
a logbook of Dakadynamic Plano-oblong
Gelatinolipid Substructure Observational Nomenclature
Compiled by Andrew Petrarca
Chapter 1: Term A, 1989
1. "The Tray of No Return"
3. "The Tray of Reckoning has arrived: Choose now."
21. "Tray of Danger"/"Eat Daka and Die"
40. "Tray of Diminishing Returns"
71. "Tray of Ugh... Umph... Aaargh... Thump! Yet another succumbs to DAKA"
82* "Tray Bien"
83* "Tres Tray"
--------------------------
A ?Possible? Future History of Intel(TM) Pentium(TM) Microprocessors
Copyright Lee Campbell [elwin@media.mit.edu]
Circulate this for Yuks, but not for Bucks!
10/92 Intel unveils i486 follow-on; announces name will be "Pentium"
because "586" is not copywritable.
04/93 Pentium begins sampling. The usual obscure bugs appear. This
time persistant ones are associated with opcode X666.
09/93 Intel announces low-power, reduced performance version of
Pentium for use in portables. Ad campaign features engineers
backpacking with portable computers, forming token ring
around campfire. Naturally, the chip is named "Tentium."
11/93 Marketeers around the world are stunned by Intel's bold new
marketing strategy: leasing of microprocessors. Customers
will be able to lease chips with option to buy or to upgrade
to the next generation which is guaranteed to be pin
compabible (The chips have a special pinout with dozens of
pins reserved for future use.) The chip is dubbed "Rentium."
03/94 An uneasy alliance of the Vatican and fundamentalist Christians
demands a CPU with no opcodes numbered 666 in octal, decimal
or hexidecimal. Intel listens to its customers and responds
with a special compiler with work-arounds, and a chip that
gives up about 10% in performance but eschews "devil" opcodes.
The part is called "Lentium".
05/94 AMD announces a super-low-cost Pentium compatable. It costs
"Just pennies per MIP" and is dubbed "Centium."
06/94 Intel releases name of next generation chip. A small company in
Pocatello, Idaho has had the forsight to copyright and market
chips under the name "Hexium" and "Sexium." They try to sell
the names to Intel for millions. Intel doggedly resists the
blackmail and markets the new chip as "Sixium."
11/94 Sixium samples. Bugs show up again in opcode 666. The press
derisively refers to the buggy chips as "Nixium."
04/95 The bugs in opcode 666 are finally killed. Grateful OEM's
sell the part as "Fixium."
05/95 Texas Instruments announces it has obtained rights to second-
source Sixium. In an effort to differentiate its product and
tap the wellsprings of state pride, it names its new chip
"Texium."
07/95 Cyrix announces a "supercompatability" chip which can emulate
a pentium, a superSPARC, an R3000, a PowerPC, an Alpha, and
a 68060. The part is named "Mixium."
09/95 A lively aftermarket develops in used Pentium chips; they are
bought and sold under the moniker "Spentium."
--------------------------
Subject: Funny newsgroups
From: swongta@csws9.ic.sunysb.edu (Sarngsarn Wongtangswad)
alt.fubar
alt.he's.dead.jim
alt.multi-level.marketing.scam.scam.scam
comp.my.amiga.is.better.than.your.mac.nyah.nyah.nyah
misc.misc.misc.misc.misc.misc.misc.misc.misc.misc
who.is.john.alt
--------------------------
Oh Calculus, Oh Calculus!
(To: "Oh, Christmas Tree")
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
How tough are both your branches.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
To pass what are my chances?
Derivatives I can not take,
At integrals my fingers shake.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
How tough are both your branches.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your theorems I can't master.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
My proofs are a disaster.
You pull a trick out of the air,
Or find a reason, God knows where.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your theorems I can't master.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your problems do distress me.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Related rates depress me.
I walk toward lampposts in my sleep,
And running water makes me weep.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your problems do distress me.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
My limit I am reaching.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
For mercy I'm beseeching.
My grades do not approach a B,
They're just an epsilon from D.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
My limit I am reaching.
--------------------------
FROM THE CAD-L ADVANCED DIRECTIONAL LANGUAGE (CADL) RESEARCH CENTER
IN NEW DEHLI, INDIA:
TOP 10 THINGS WE CAN DO TO CUT DOWN ON COSTS AROUND HERE BESIDES
FLIP THE RIBBONS...
9. Set up a new training course for lab users: The Slide Rule, It's Better
Than An IBM Any Day.
8. Sell off expensive, CFC laden air-conditioners. Want to cool off? Open
a window.
7. Subject all users to a full body-cavity search before leaving lab to make
sure they haven't stolen anything.
6. Eliminate expensive lab orchestra at the front of the lab. Hum for music.
5. Strictly enforce 4 line limit for sauron's .sig. (Sorry, Amy, but we all
have to chip in and that ASCII bat just *has* to go ;)
4. Announce that we will run shortened hours on all days ending in y.
3. Save electricity, turn off the power to random blocks of the lab every 15
to 20 minutes.
2. Replace the constant-need-for-software-upgrades IBM's with original APT
lab Apple II's. (No more upgrading software--no upgrades)
and the #1 way we can save a little money around here....
Replace current stable, comfortable lab chairs with hard, broken-down,
uncomfortable, wobbly ones.
As you can see, we're just about through with #1 and the rest will soon follow.
This post was brought to you by the CADL Research Group of New Dehli, India.
Any similarities to actual lab policies enforced or ignored is completely a
metaphysical coincidence. This post was generated for entertainment purposes
only and any trouble you get into for trying to carry out any of these ideas
is your own fault.
later
Bengalt
The Mighty Halfling Wizard (Really I Am!)
--------------------------
CAMPUS BOUND [w/ apologies to s&g]
(sung to the tune of HOMEWARD BOUND --Simon & Garfunkel)
I'm sittin' in the library stacks
A schedule that makes me whacked
For a week of all night hacks
My books and tunage on my back
And every lab is always packed
The station screens all turn black
Campus bound
I wish I weren't
Campus bound
Campus, where my thoughts escape me
Campus, where my professors hate me
Campus, where the system's waiting
Silently for me
Everyday's an endless stream
Of cigarettes and caffeine
And each class looks the same to me
professors and transparencies
And every student's frown I see
Reminds me that I loathe to be
Campus bound
I wish I weren't
Campus bound
Campus, where my thoughts escape me
Campus, where my professors hate me
Campus, where the system's waiting
Silently for me
Tonight I'll hack my code again
I'll recompile and pretend
But all my bugs come back to me
Via munged process trees
NULL pointers in my MQP
Someone else debug for me!
Campus bound
I wish I weren't
Campus bound
Campus, where my thoughts escape me
Campus, where my professors hate me
Campus, where the system's waiting
Silently for me
Silently for me
Silently for me
crimson@wpi.wpi.edu
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page