From cate3@netcom.com Thu Jul 27 09:32:39 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life E.F
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 18 Jul 94 09:05:03 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life E.F
The following are selections from rec.humor.oracle
To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line.
----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" [jgm@cs.brown.edu]
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] Tell me, oh Wise and Omniscient Oracle (bow and scrape), how does one
] actually connect physically to the Omnipresent and Omnipotent
] Internet?
]
] I don't mean through a modem to a company that offers the service, but
] how could I connect my home computer directly to the Ever-present and
] All-powerful Internet.
]
] Your most humble and obedient servant.
]
] HAL ;-{)}
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Internet is everywhere. It flows through us, connects us. It is
} in all living things. You must feeeeel the Internet running through
} you. Channel it, feel it, repect it. Then you may be ready to learn
} how to connect with it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a few floating rocks, a small green puppet with
} funny ears, and a hamster named Chewie...
}
} May the Internet be with you.
--------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] Most well-connected and labor-relations-savvy, heavily-hyphenated
] Oracle,
]
] Every evening I leave the dirty dishes on the counter for the elves to
] wash, and every morning I awaken to find the same dishes still there,
] unwashed. What can I do to attract the dish elves?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The best way to attract the dish elves is to leave hundred dollar bills
} scattered all over the kitchen floor, and to leave the door unlocked.
} By the way, as part of a new policy, the Oracle requires you to
} register your name and address....Don't worry, it is considered very
} confidential. Only the Oracle will see this information...
--------------------------
Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" [jgm@cs.brown.edu]
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] Oracle most wise, please tell me what the heck is wrong with me.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Let's see. Go run around the block twice. Now, write a poem. Now, think
} carefully about your loved one.
}
} OK, Chromosome 14, Gene 2563, change the GC pairing to an AT.
} Chromosome 66, Gene 1445, change the AT pairing to a TA.
} Chromosome 12, Gene 0233, change the GC pairing to a CG.
}
} That should get rid of most of the remaining bugs.
}
} You owe The Oracle a bucketfull of reverse transcriptase, a set of
} monogrammed beakers, and a flowchart stencil.
--------------------------
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] O all-knowing Oracle, whose self-referential answers are like questions
] unto themselves, please tell me:
]
] What question should I ask you?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} What do you think?
--------------------------
Selected-By: "Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab" [ewhac@shell.portal.com]
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] Can you send me any C-programs ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} /* zen.c */
}
} main()
} {
} }
--------------------------
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] Is it true that the internet is a tool of the devil?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} No!!! There isn't
} any way the
} life- blood of the
} computer geeks of the world
} is a tool of satan. If it were,
} by now you would have seen
} some kind of sign. Just look
} around! Nothing strange
} to see at all, spud.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mechanical alarm clock, a copy of Cooking with
} Carol Channing, and one of those cute dog-shaped candles with sad eyes.
--------------------------
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE [MCGEE@nic.CSU.net]
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] Do you like Mondays?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Every Monday, Oracle is halted, and put into single-supplicant mode,
} and then rebooted. This done in order to remove those few supplicant
} processes that refuse to ZOT! (also known as zombie-supplicants).
} The whole procedure takes only a minute or two.
}
} Do I like Mondays?
} No, Mondays always bring me down.
--------------------------
Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" [jgm@cs.brown.edu]
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] Where is the which?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Dorthy and Toto killed her with the house.
--------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] Oh, great Oracle,
]
] what is the meaning of life?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The cereal, the magazine, or the board game?
--------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] Oracle Most Wise, please tell me:
]
] Where do babies REALLY come from?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} We tested this one out in the lab, and with close inspection via
} electron microscope, the inscription "Made in Japan" was found.
--------------------------
Selected-By: David BREMNER [bremner@romulus.cs.mcgill.ca]
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] If paper clips are infinitely reusable, why then do large organizations
] like the Federal Government spend millions of dollars each year to buy
] more?
]
] Obsessing compulsively,
] Zek
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} SHHHHHHHHH!!. You've stumbled on one of the major Pentagon projects
} in the last decade. This is blacker than the Aurora plan project and
} I'm not surprised if men in dark grey suits and sunglasses are knocking
} on your door at this very moment.
}
} Don't go home, don't go to work or school. Get far far away from the
} terminal and only log on wearing a disguise.
}
} The Pernicious Paperclip Project (or PPP as it's called) was started in
} the early 80's under the Reagan administration as an offshoot of the
} Star Wars project. Unlike the Star Wars project, funding was immediate
} and extensive for the PPP. The goal of the PPP is to form a paperclip
} chain long enough to lasso the moon which then can be used to
} influenced the tides at will and flood enemy land. Whoever controls
} the moon, controls the Earth!
}
} You owe the Oracle the government funding documentation for the PPP and
} a small box of paperclips so that the government doesn't suck them all
} up.
--------------------------
Selected-By: Jonathan Monsarrat [jgm@cs.brown.edu]
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] Wise and Powerful Oracle, why do puns have such a bad reputation?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} A good question... In fact I believe it may be the first time I've
} ever been asked that. Which reminds me of some other "firsts":
}
} January 13, 1910: the first Army dental unit was formed. They had a
} good drill team.
}
} January 16, 1919: the first elevator company opened. It had its ups
} and downs.
}
} February 8, 1895: the steam iron was invented. It solved some pressing
} problems.
}
} February 11, 1911: the first art contest was held. Winners were
} selected by a drawing.
}
} March 30, 1866: dynamite was first made, and the company did a booming
} business.
}
} June 2, 1949: calculators were first used. They were so successful
} that adding machines began to multiply.
}
} June 29, 1941: the circuit breaker was invented. A lot of people
} re-fused to use it.
}
} August 16, 1918: illuminated helmets were first made for miners. It
} made them feel light headed.
}
} December 20, 1900: the thermometer was invented by a man with many
} degrees.
}
} But enough reminiscing, as my proctologist says "Let's get to the
} bottom of this." Puns are often frowned upon because they're so badly
} over used, and also because some people use one pun after another.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new watch for his timely response.
--------------------------
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] Oh benevolent Oracle, I humbly beg you answer me this:
] Why can't I ever get a straight answer from anyone?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} What do you mean?
--------------------------
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty [markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au]
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] What is today's date?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Today's date is a small, brown fruit that grows on palm trees in
} various warm areas on the earth. Yesterday's date was sitting
} right next to today's date on the date tree, but it was eaten
} (yesterday, of course) by a small boy who was climbing palm trees
} instead of going to school.
}
} Dates taste nice because the word 'date' contains vowels. Everything
} that tastes nice contains vowels ('pizza' and 'beef' are but two
} examples). Everything that tastes nasty contains consonants
} ('rice pudding' and 'worms' are two examples). You may argue that
} a name such as 'hot dog' contains both vowels and consonants, but
} that is simply because some people like hot dogs, while others don't.
}
} You owe the Oracle a delicious auiou.
--------------------------
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" [csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu]
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] Oracle! Please bestow upon me knowledge! A recent severe
] paper cut revealed to me a startling fact: My blood tastes like
] ketchup! Why is this?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The answer is simple, really.
}
} Your blood tastes a bit like ketchup because it's stage blood. You
} see, you're a movie character, not a real person. In fact, you're the
} hero cop. There are some easy ways to verify this:
}
} 1) You always manage to blow away 100 bad guys without really aiming,
} even though 100 sharpshooters miss you, hitting the ground all around
} you.
}
} 2) Your partner was killed, and you're seeking revenge for his murder.
}
} 3) You have a hard-ass boss, who chews you out for violating
} regulations all the time.
}
} 4) When you do have big fights, you end up with insignifcant cuts,
} like your paper cut for example, and you make witty jokes about them,
} for no real reason.
}
} 5) Your girlfriend/wife/daughter was kidnapped by the main bad guy,
} and you're trying to get her back.
}
} 6) This whole situation will repeat itself, with only minor
} variations, in a year or two.
}
} You owe the Oracle a subscription to Variety.
--------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] Dear Oracle,
]
] Why does my computer keep getting slower and slower?
] Two years ago, it was the fastest machine around, and now,
] it's nearly the slowest. Where will it all end?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It is little known law of nature that computing power is conserved. As
} faster computers become available their computing power must come from
} somewhere. The computing power of your computer is sucked through the
} ether into the faster computers any time they are turned on.
} Consequently your computer runs slower. When the Intel P6 comes out
} your computer should stop functioning entirely. Conservation of
} computing is not limited to Intel family of processors. For example,
} when Cray Research turned on their first supercomputer 90% of the
} TRS-80s slowed to a crawl, 34000 abicuses in China ceased to function
} and three math professors, an engineering professor and the Minneapolis
} offices of Cooper and Lybrandt became babbling idiots. You may have
} heard the Steven Jobs is halting production of the NeXT computers. This
} is because Apple started producing the PowerPC based computers and Jobs
} realized the NeXT would be hopelessly underpowered because of this and
} would never be competitive (and you thought it was bad marketing).
}
} You the Oracle a Pentium overdrive chip for his Z80.
--------------------------
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] Oh great and mighty Oracle, whose being transcends all physical
] limitations and who can eat a whole box of Oreos without gaining an
] ounce, please tell me...
]
] Why is it that I haven't eaten anything for 4 days and I still haven't
] lost any weight?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ah, finally. A question that does not require ZOTing!
}
} It is because you need to go into a lower gravity environment, such as
} the Moon. On the moon, you lose 5/6 of your weight! Another good
} place to try would be the next space shuttle mission (if you pay them
} enough, they will take you up there and launch you for $100,000,000 per
} gram). That will lower your weight to virtually zero! Of course, that
} does nothing about your mass.
}
} To lower your mass, you must move. Sitting at a terminal for 4 days
} will not move you enough to lose mass. Try swimming, if the weather is
} nice. Or running, if the weather is nice. Or maybe just walking, if
} the weather is nice. Of course, you're out of luck if the weather
} isn't nice. Try swimming in your toilet, running around your kitchen
} table, or walking endlessly though your house. Those are good ways to
} get on a more enduring regiment, since most mental facilities have
} manditory excercise programs.
--------------------------
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] Hello, pitiful Earthling. We have just landed on your nasty little
] planet. Can you give us one good reason why we should not destroy
] it immediately?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Rice Krispie treats.
--------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] All knowing and all wise Oracle, can you tell me how I can lose weight
] quickly?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes, but it will cost you an arm and a leg.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
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