From cate3@netcom.com Tue Jul 25 09:31:56 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life E.E
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 14 Jul 94 16:16:31 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life E.E
The following were sifted out of rec.humor
----------------------------------------------------
From: chansen@vmsmail.gov.bc.ca
holliers@cs.curtin.edu.au (Scott Hollier) writes:
] I'm a Uni student In perth, Western Australia, and I have just one question:
]
] How do all you flamers get the time to flame each other?
Well, you see, due to the Coriolis effect the earth spins slower
at the top than at the bottom giving us much more time to kill up
here - especially in Newfoundland, where they get an extra half hour.
--------------------------
From: chansen@vmsmail.gov.bc.ca
Repent??!!?? I haven't even pented yet!!!
--------------------------
From: dave@case50.ncsl.nist.gov (David Flater)
YASC (Yet Another Startup Company) proudly presents its new catalog for the
Summer of '94!
UNIVERSAL EMERGENCY REPAIR KIT $29.95
Keep one of these at home, in your desk at work, and in each of your
vehicles to get you through just about ANY emergency! Contains duct tape,
super glue, 10" Vise-Grip Pliers, and a Swiss Army Knife.
SILENCE BLASTER $99.95
Are you troubled by noisy neighbors? Would you like to have peace and
quiet in your own home, instead of having to search it out? The SILENCE
BLASTER is the answer! The SILENCE BLASTER digitally negates the sound waves
that assault you, effectively blaring SILENCE in its vicinity! Turn it on low
to silence a single room; CRANK IT UP to impose impenetrable silence on those
who deserve it!
--------------------------
From: snoopy@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu (MICHAEL E. STARR AKA SNOOPY)
I saw a bumber sticker the other day that I found
both humorous and true (for some):
I LOVE MY COUNTRY
IT'S MY GOVERNMENT THAT SCARES ME
--------------------------
From: nealhd@msuvx1.memphis.edu (Dennis Neal)
Subj: Re: LICENSE PLATE
I saw this one just yesterday:
NT GILTY
--------------------------
From: cbutler@bnr.ca (Chris Butler)
A comedian I once saw (Lorne Elliot) told this story:
"I was walking down a dark alley, and a guy jumps out and says, "Gimme
your money, and I don't want no bullshit." - having a degree in English,
I immediately spotted the double negative. So I said, "No, you just
used a double negative - you said "I don't want _no_ bullshit", which
means "I do want bullshit". He thought about this, then he said, "Not
necessarily. At a recent conference of English usage experts, they
determined that a double ngative no longer implies a positive; it
simply implies a doubly-strong desire to negate." So I gave him my
money."
--------------------------
From: evansb@pairgain.com (Bill Evans)
I have a paw _and_ hands and feet.
My hands and feet are 46 years old. My paw is 75 years old.
--------------------------
From: rolleston_c@ix.wcc.govt.nz (Chris Rolleston)
JOIN USENET
Post to exotic, distant machines.
Meet exciting, unusual people
and flame them.
--------------------------
From: sppp@hippo.ru.ac.za (Peter Piacenza)
A man, with an eye for antiques, while driving in the country saw a
woodcutter working with a very old axe.
"That's a mighty old axe you have there."
"Yup, it belonged to George Washington."
"It's lasted well?"
"Of course," the man admitted, "it's had three new heads and four new
handles since then..."
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Richard K. Lesh:lantc
--------------------------
Thousands of years ago the Egyptians worshipped cats as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.
--------------------------
Predestination was doomed from the start.
--------------------------
From: dave@visual1.jhuapl.edu (Dave Weintraub)
There's an elderly Chinaman who's retired in a small village in China.
Every Tuesday, he goes to the railroad station and sits in his rocking chair,
just to watch the weekly train appear.
One morning, he is sitting (and rocking) and observes the train arrive,
wait for its customary interval, and then start to pull out of the station.
As the train begins to pick up speed, the old man sees three men walking
into the station from the direction of the back of the train; two of the
men are carrying suitcases, and the third, who is heavier than his companions,
is accompanying them. When they
realize that the train is leaving, they start yelling and running after it.
After a moment, one of the men with a suitcase has barely reached the back
of the train. He throws his suitcase onto the train, and grabs the
railing. With impressive effort, he pulls himself onto the train, and then
reaches back for his friends.
The second man with a bag has almost reached
the carriage. The fellow on the train reaches for him and grabs the suitcase
from him, and then pulls him onto the train.
The third man has almost reached the train. He makes one last, frantic
leap toward the rear rail, and falls into the dust between the rails
as the train approaches full speed and heads into the distance.
The fellow is just lying there, face down, between the tracks. Well!
The old man is concerned, so he gets up and, as quickly as he can manage,
hobbles out to the end of the town, where the would-be traveler is laying.
As he approaches, the old man sees the younger man sit up, brush himself
off, and then start laughing, with increasing furvor, as he remains sitting
on the ground. "Perhaps he has hit his head on the rails,
and is delirious," thinks the old man.
He reaches the fellow, and talks to him.
"Your friends caught the train!"
(Laughter) "Yes, yes!"
"And you did not?"
(More laughter) "No, I didn't!"
"The train does not stop until a hundred miles from here!"
(Giggles) "I know!"
"And the next train does not come for a full week!"
(Laughs) "Yes! Isn't that funny? I'm stuck here until then!"
"But!!! Why are you laughing when
your friends caught the train, and you are now here,
while they're well on their way??"
"You must understand, good sir:
*They* just came down to the station to see *me* off!"
(heard from Dr Vanketesan Suderesan ("Sundar"), about 1972)
--------------------------
From: Geoffc@ozinkl.pc.my (Geoff Collins)
My Maternal Grandmother's maiden name was Ivy Want (I.Want), her sister
was Mavis (May Want), and brother William (Will Want). Serious.
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
briang@netcom.com (Brian Gordon)
--------------------------
From: dan.bastecki@filebank.cts.com (Dan Bastecki)
Subj: Re: Funny signs
The Shopping Center From Hell:
The Tapo Shopping Center in Simi Valley, CA has five parking lot
driveways marked "IN". There aren't any marked "OUT".
--------------------------
From: cmshaw@flagstaff.Princeton.EDU (Caitlin Mackay Shaw)
Subj: Re: PCisms
]]]jjl5730@ucs.usl.edu (Lancon Jeff J) writes:
]]]]I want to start a Canonical List of PCisms -- phrases meant to make fun
]]]]of the PC movement.
]
]Osmotically challenged - Thirsty
Differently Organized - Messy
Energy-Efficient - Off
Creatively Re-Dyed - Stained
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Robert Dolan
--------------------------
From: [IO91624@MAINE.MAINE.EDU]
How do they take the census in Canada? They take the American census figures
and divide by 10.
Canadian genius is 10 percent imitation and 90 percent importation.
How do you get 10 Newfies in a Volkswagen? Throw in a codfish.
Mike Pearson, Canadian PM, went to see President Johnson in Texas. The
President welcomed him saying: "We are so happy to have Mr. Wilson with
us."
How does a Newfie count his catch? "One fish, two fish, another fish,
another fish ..."
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
danieln@sybase.com (Daniel Nitschke)
--------------------------
From: hovnania@news.delphi.com (HOVNANIAN@DELPHI.COM)
A (supposedly true) warning sign on a freeway off-ramp: After the usual
"WRONG WAY" and "DO NOT ENTER" signs on an off-ramp that had many incidents
of wrong way drivers, the highway department placed the following sign
(which apparently cured the problems):
WRONG
WAY
STUPID!
--------------------------
From: krust@sytex.com (Karen Rust)
Subject: Classified Ads...
SLIM WHITE MALE, 35, seeks attractive white female, 27. Must have tatoo
(dogs, butterflies, okay; no rainbows, gnomes or battle scenes). Must own
late model foreign car with radial tires (and snows). Should be well
tanned, blue eyed, blonde, (sunny yellow, not platinum or dishwater), and
have own luggage. Must be T'ai Chi expert and familiar with multiple
bodyrub techniques. Must have own chili recipie (no celery). Must bathe,
not shower. Must have working command of Latin (hear it, speak it, order
and hail cabs in it). Must have own flesh-pulley equipment and collection
of travelogues, intermission reels, and wrestling magazines (circa
1950-54, good to mint condition, bagged for clean and easy storage). Must
possess own lifelike false face and iron-on refrigerator decals. Can be
pensive but not moody. Must dig roller opera. Must possess lots (I mean
it) of ketchup.
--------------------------
From: pburgess@netcom.com (Phillip Burgess)
I actually saw this today at a Wells Fargo Bank...
Sign above ATM screen:
LOOK!
THIS ATM JUST GOT
EASIER TO USE!
(See our new screens)
ATM screen:
------------------
| |
| THIS ATM IS |
| TEMPORARILY |
| OUT OF SERVICE |
| |
------------------
--------------------------
From: aland@informix.com (Colonel Panic)
Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?
A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass...
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
kholmes@nmsu.edu
--------------------------
From: stevev@teldata.uucp
(reprinted from creative loafing magazine 22-jan-94)
* A 50-year-old woman on Pomona Circle said a tree fell on her car in her
backyard. When the police arrived, they saw that the tree was dead.
--------------------------
From: delta1@netcom.com (Randall Raemon)
This is being posted separately to rec.humor (so people can have a
chuckle), and to alt.folklore.urban (so the net.denizens there can
have at it... :-)
This is coming, in a round-about way, with my fascination with two
subjects: women, and taxes. And, no, I don't mix the two... I'm not
that twisted...
While doing some research on my more favored variant on the subject of
women, I came across something that triggered an "Aha!" that I thought
people would find interesting.
The subject is women on horseback, specifically the story of the Lady
of Coventry, England... Godiva. While researhing the history of her
story, the most common date when she did her famous ride for the
abolition of taxes, struck a chord.
There are certain numbers that will almost always bring an immediate
subject to mind: 13, 42, 69, 77, 556, 640(k), 1701, etc... The date
for the Lady's ride, was 1040.
When somebody says 1040 to me, I don't think (yet) of the Lady, but
instead of the annual exercise provided by the Internal Revenue
Service, with their Individual Income Tax Return, Form 1040.
Could it be, in the days long ago, that somebody in the IRS had a
sense of humor, and numbered the form in honor of the Lady of Coventry?
After all, she is one of the best known taxpayers in history.
So, when you're working on your taxes, think on the Lady, and wonder...
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
LBennett.El_Segundo@xsoft.xerox.com
--------------------------
Customer: ...and a slice of toast on the side.
Waiter: Would you like that heated?
--------------------------
WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF PEOPLE IN THE
COMPUTER LAB
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream
"Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have
it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus or slide rule and say that
sometimes the old ways are best.
--------------------------
From: sppp@unitrix.utr.ac.za (Prof P Piacenza)
Subj: "Old USSR"
Last night the Kremlin was broken into, and next year's
election results were stolen.
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Miles O'Neal [meo@pencom.com]
--------------------------
From: rh@craycos.com (Robert Herndon)
Reminds me of a sign seen here in the Great State of Colorado
(spelling is per the original):
+------------+
| |
| SLOW |
| |
| CHILDERN |
| |
+------------+
It seems the adults aren't too swift, either.
--------------------------
From: mony@hawk.cs.ukans.edu (Shankar Mony)
Some more classic put-downs with the wittiest of
them all, Shaw:
Shaw was at a cocktail party hosted by a pretentious
socialite and found himself pretty disgusted with the
artificial crowd around him. Seating himself in a corner,
he kept to himself. Soon the dutiful hostess walked up
to him and asked,
"Are you enjoying yourself, Mr. Shaw?"
To which he replied,
"Oh,yes! And that's all I'm enjoying."
--------------------------
From: gary@sci34hub.sci.com (Gary Heston)
Subject: Shoot Self In Foot Award Winner
(Drum roll)
And the WINNER of the of this years' SSIFA in the Computer Operating
System Category is.....
IBM Corporation!
IBM receives this award for their December 1993 mailing offering their
OS/2 2.1 operating system, normally $125, for $49--and hiding in the
fine print the following "shipping and handling" charges:
For the first two OUNCES: $9.00
For each addidional OUNCE: $1.00
which adds up to $39 if the package weighs two pounds! (BTW, does IBM
really *not* know how much this package they've been shipping for a
year or so *weighs*, and are unable to list the actual charge?) Potential
suck^H^H^H^Hcustomers are specifically discouraged from sending a check
or money order, since that way they'd have to calculate the [hassle] they'd
be inflicting upon themselves. For some reason, the weight isn't
mentioned in the offer, so you can try calling the 1-800 number to ask
what it'll be. (I sure won't be ordering; you can have my copy!)
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
From: watts@lams.msd.lmsc.lockheed.com (Robyn M Watts)
--------------------------
From: u8944962@csdvax.csd.unsw.edu.au
Subject: Re: Senior Prank Ideas ???
Divert traffic from a nearby street through the campus.
Jack up a teachers car. Chock it up so that the wheels are JUST clear
of the ground, but not enough to notice.
Advertise the principals job in the local newspaper.
--------------------------
From: filfeit@rael.Tymnet.COM (Fil Feit)
If he's elected, Oliver North will be turning a treasured Senate tradition
completely upside down.
Senators are supposed to be convicted AFTER they're elected.
--------------------------
From: sppp@hippo.ru.ac.za (Peter Piacenza)
1: cartoon seen in an old computer magazine:
Little boy sitting in a pile of diskettes, he's holding
a horseshoe magnet. Father is in the adjoining room
doing some take-home work.
"Dad, you've been jipped. None of these are magnetic"
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by an anonymous sifter
--------------------------
From: boba@gagme.wwa.com (Bob Allison)
How about making up some new slogans for companies and products?
IBM: "Yesterday's technology today."
Apple: "Have it our way."
Norton Utilities: "Used by millions, bought by thousands."
First National Bank: "Your not just a number, you're a series of numbers."
Toyota: "Taking over America, one customer at a time."
The National Enquirer: "Because you'll buy anything."
Ford: "Making you think that quality is job 1 is job 1."
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
Back to my Life Humor Page
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