From cate3@netcom.com Thu Jul 6 12:31:47 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life E.9
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 8 Jul 94 11:09:19 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life E.9
The following selections are from the mailing list:
silent-tristero@world.std.com
----------------------------------------------------
From: Nichael Cramer [ncramer@bbn.com]
Whether or not the "1-800-OPERATER[sic]" number is an urban legend, way
(way) back in my undergraduate days, the telephone book for the town where
the university was located had listings for:
TELEPHONE COMPANY
PHONE COMPANY
FONE COMPANY
and
FOAN COMPANY
(I still have photocopies of these somewhere)
... working on the principle, presumably, that if you could reach _them_
then all would be well, whatever your problem.
--------------------------
From: nelson@crynwr.com (Russell Nelson)
.sig of the week (if not month):
---
John (john.wilson@almac.co.uk)
* MR/2 2.0 NR * Walk through doors, don't crawl through Windows.
--------------------------
From: John Robinson [jr@ksr.com]
Subj: Another Sig
------
From: MABERCROMB [MABERCROMB@NVN.COM]
Mike, from Kansas (USA)
For new Terminal, drive nail here---==](*)
--------------------------
Found on the net:
Barney, the cute purple dinosaur, is Satan.
Proof:
Given: Barney is a cute purple dinosaur.
Extract the Roman numerals:
(and remember that the Romans had no 'U', they used 'V')
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
CV V L DI V
Add them:
100 + 5 + 5 + 50 + 500 + 1 + 5 = 666
Q. E. D.
--------------------------
From: goldy@compatible.com (Steve Goldhaber)
While few of us probably receive obscene phone calls at 3AM (I turn
off the ringer at night), I saw a new approach to junk faxes that is
in the same vein.
Last week I passed a co-worker bent over the fax machine. Curious, I
asked what was wrong. He had just received a 3 page junk fax from
Business X for the nth time. His solution? He taped the 3 pages
together and faxed them back! When I passed, he was taping the last
page to the first page as it came out of the fax. Then he walked
away as the now circular fax kept spinning.
--------------------------
From: Tom Calderwood [tcalderw@bbn.com]
Sign seen at a roadside convenience store in Utah:
"Need a penny? - take a penny
Need two pennies? - Get a job!"
--------------------------
From: Nichael Cramer [ncramer@bbn.com]
]Sign seen at a roadside convenience store in Utah:
] "Need a penny? - take a penny
] Need two pennies? - Get a job!"
Wasn't this on a sign on the counter in Mr Miggle's store, in Pogo?
Have a penny, leave a penny.
Need a penny, get a job.
--------------------------
From: flongo@ccmail.tfisys.dlj.com
Subject: Comet demonstration on TV
I happened to see on the local news (WABC-TV, NYC) last night a
segment on SL9, and an interview with Levy. All in all, it was a
mass-market type of report. The most interesting part of the segment,
at least in my opinion, was the science reporter (who's name I can't
remember) 'building' a comet. This was filmed in a local tavern. He
mixed dirt with ice and made a snowball. Nothing new there. He then
added a liberal mount of Coca-Cola, explaining that the latest
theories show that there are large amounts of various carbon
compounds, including CO2, nitrogen, and other elements, and cola is a
good substitute in his model.
[...]
I could suggest a good sponsor for a special on comets if this is the
case :)
Frank FLONGO@ccmail.dlj.com
--------------------------
"Basically, we're the smart people's telephone company.
I don't see how anyone with half a brain won't sign up with
this service."
Howard Jonas, president of IDT, Hackensack, NJ
[ From a release sent to my fax. Really. - DPD ]
--------------------------
| | "Sometimes I get the feeling |
| zik@zikzak.apana.org.au | that Schrodinger wasn't |
| Zik Saleeba | really a cat lover." |
--------------------------
From: Luke McGuff (S&T OnSite) [a-lukem@microsoft.com]
Actually, the rates for business reply mail (BRM) are much higher than
first class rates; it's the only mail that the Postal Service makes a
"profit" on. So you're not only fighting the scourge of junk mail,
you're helping to support the post office.
I figure the people who open that stuff are low paid flunkies, so
sometimes instead of just returning the mailing I put in comic strips
or weird news articles, something amusing to "brighten their day," so to speak.
--------------------------
From: Jim Propp [propp@bourbaki.mit.edu]
Norman Margolus pointed out to me last week that the era we are living in
may someday be remembered as the transitional period between the era when
people were computers and the era when computers were people.
--------------------------
From: "Leonard N. Foner" [foner@media.mit.edu]
[My thanks to sgw@mit.edu for picking this one up...]
Source: REUTERS.international
RIO DE JANEIRO (Reuter) - Two groups of armed robbers tried to hold up
the same bakery at the same time in Rio de Janeiro Monday and one robber was
injured as the two gangs shot it out to decide who would carry away the cash
box.
``They arrived almost at the same time,'' Francisco Miguel Castro, the
bakery's manager, told reporters.
``One group told the other to throw away their weapons but as neither
gave up, they started shooting it out,'' he said.
The first gang to arrive got away with the cash box containing $45, but
one of its three members was injured.
All of the robbers escaped after the five-minute gunfight.
--------------------------
From: nelson@crynwr.com (Russell Nelson)
.sig of the half-week (it helps if you know Eric and can imagine the
dry tone in which he'd utter the remark):
Bob Larson (blars) blarson@usc.edu usc!blarson
It [the Internet] scares any sane person. -- Erik Fair
It scares a few of the rest of us too. -- Dave Crocker
--------------------------
From: Michael Travers [mt@media.mit.edu]
"Email is wonderful for some people, absolutely necessary for their
job, and they can do their work better. I like to say that for people
whose role is to be on top of things, electronic mail is great.
But my role is to be at the bottom of things."
-- Donald E. Knuth, explaining why he no longer reads
electronic mail
--------------------------
From: dave mankins (dm@world.std.com, dm@hri.com)
``But we must not lose sight of the way in which embedded
computing has grown: television sets are now being designed with
1/2 Mbyte of control software, hand-held telephones with 1 Mbyte
and even the humble shaver appears to need 2 kbytes of software!''
From JR Gurd & CB Jones, ``The Global-yet-Personal Information
system'' (University of Manchester Department of
Computer Science Technical Report UMCS-94-4-1)
--------------------------
From: Mark_Colan.LOTUS@crd.lotus
]From PC Magazine, July 94:
"...The winner is Kevin Kwaku, who suggested that while the Information
Superhighway is a bad name, it could be a great acronym, standing for
'Interactive Network For Organizing, Retrieving, Manipulating, Accessing, and
Transferring Information on National Systems, Unleasing Practically Every
Rebellious Human Intelligence, Gratifying Hackers, Wiseacres, And Yahoos.'"
--------------------------
From: daveg@bosserv.bos.locus.com
[forwards deleted]
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.
[Pichard] "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your
attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have
you been able to access their command pathways?"
[Geordi]"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
technology."
[Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer
screen.]
[Riker looks puzzled.] "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
[Data turns to answer.] "Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg
command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will
begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
[Pichard] "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they
alter their processing systems to increase their storage
capacity?"
[Data] "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it
creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use
of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The
Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of
their processing ability will be taken over and none will be
available for their normal operational functions."
[Pichard] "Excellent work. This is even better than that
'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
.. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
[Data] "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows'
in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85%
of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation
of the expected 'upgrade'."
[Geordi] "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg
storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no
indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
[Pichard] "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if
their is something we have missed."
[Data] "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the
'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of
the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
[Riker] "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to
begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
[Geordi, excited] "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU
capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
[Pichard] "Data, what does your scanners show?"
[Data] "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows'
module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
[Pichard] "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can
reduce their functionality."
.. . . Two Hours Pass . . .
[Riker] "Geordi whats the status on the Borg?"
[Geordi] "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time
they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest
deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules
from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
[Pichard] "How much time will that buy us ?"
[Data] "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an
interest time span of 6 more hours."
[Geordi] "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
[Pichard] "Identify."
[Data] "It appears to have markings very similar to the
'Microsoft' logo"
[Over the speakers] "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE
MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF
UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND
WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
[Data] "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
[Pichard] "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
[Riker] "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight
toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they
survive the tortures of deep space ?!"
[Data] "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will
look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying
something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin
leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"
[Riker and Pichard together horrified] "Lawyers !!"
[Geordi] "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and
sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
[Data] "True, but appearently some must have survived."
[Riker] "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it
with all types of papers."
[Data] "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red
tape' it often proves fatal."
[Riker] "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
[Pichard] "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not
even the Borg deserve that."
--------------------------
From: Alex Esterkin [esterkin]
Subject: Doing business in Russia
DOING BUSINESS IN RUSSIA
A German company was involved in negotiations in Moscow trying to sell
some 100 million worth of manufacturing equipment to a Russian state
corporation. Negotiations went smoothly but differences remained.
So Martin Bayer himself, the CEO of the German company, decided to
come to Moscow to head the talks. Beside caring about his business,
the CEO wanted to go to Russia to hunt bears.
Martin Bayer was one of the greatest hunters of our time (and the
Russians knew about it). He went to safari more than hundred times
and hunted lions, rhinos, crocodiles, he hunted polar bears in the
North Pole and tigers in the rain forests of India. But he had NEVER
hunted Russian bears.
So the Russians decided to organize a bear hunt for Mr. Bayer to
sweeten the talks. This wasn't a simple task. Some people in the
west still believe that bears may be found and seen everywhere in
Russian cities just like squirrels may be seen in our back yards.
This is not true. The closest place one may find bears in the wild is
maybe 2,500 miles away from Moscow. Nonetheless, a solution was
quickly found. The Russian businessmen went to Moscow Circus and for
$2,000 bought a very old bear. This bear used to amuse and amaze
audiences in many countries for 30 years, but got and looked too old,
had bald spots, and was retired.
'Be careful, the Russian bears are very aggressive, ferocious, and
strong', they told to Mr. Bayer. 'If compared to the Russian bears,
your african lions are nothing more than harmless cats.'
The bear was brought to a conservation forest 50 miles from Moscow and
was left there. Mr. Bayer was told that bears were plentiful in that
forest and that many cattle and even people had been eaten in the
surrounding villages.
Meanwhile, a 18-year old female drove through the forest on a
motorcycle and suddenly saw a bear (no bears had been seen in those
places for 200 years). She was frightened, fell, left her helmet and
her motocycle and ran away.
Mr. Bayer was excited and ready to hunt. This could become the
pinnacle of his extraordinary hunting experience.
The next moment Mr. Bayer saw a bear in a helmet driving on a
motorcycle through the forest in front of him. The bear
had a happy expression on his face, as he was doing something he had
been doing in the circus for 30 years: circling on a motocycle...
-------
Mr. Bayer lives in a private mental institution near Hamburg happily
ever after. The manufacturing equipment was never sold to Russia. It
was sold to Iraq instead.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
Back to my Life Humor Page
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