From cate3@netcom.com Thu Jun 22 08:21:23 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life E.6
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 29 Jun 94 11:05:09 PDT (Wednesday)
Subject: Life E.6
The following selections are from fido.humor
which was forwarded to me by:
Robert Dolan:wbst129UL
----------------------------------------------------
Pre-election voter registration drive in Arkansas. Two Democrat
activists are walking through the local cemetery, copying the names
off the tombstones.
They come across an old tombstone so covered with dirt and moss that
they can't make out the name.
``Let's skip this one,'' says one.
``Naw, this man's got as much right to vote for Bill Clinton as
anyone else lying in this cemetery.''
--------------------------
Did you hear how Moses got the ten commandments? God was coming down
the mountain and the first person he came across was not Moses. It
was a Roman.
He asked the Roman if he wanted any commandments?
The Roman replied, What's a commandment?"
God said, "Thou shalt not kill."
The Roman replied, "Hell no! We're a waring nation. That's how we
make our living."
So God went on down the mountain. The next guy he came across was
a nomadic tribesman. He asked this guy if he wanted a commandment.
The guy replied, "What's a commandment?"
God said, "Thou shalt not steal."
The guy said, "Hell no! That's how we make our living."
So God went on down the mountain. The next guy he came across was
Moses with a bunch of little Jews following him.
God asked Moses, "Do you want any commandments?"
Moses asked, "How much are they?"
God said, "They're free."
Moses replied, "Yea sure, we'll take ten....."
--------------------------
A soldier who lost his rifle was reprimanded by his captain and
told he would have to pay for it.
"Sir," gulped the soldier, "suppose I lost a tank. Surely I
would not have to pay for that!"
"Yes, you would, too," bellowed the captain, "even if it took
the rest of your life."
"Well," said the soldier, "now I know why the captain goes down
with his ship."
--------------------------
Two college classmates were friends but also highly competitive,
each always trying to outdo or humble the other. They both did well in
life...one in the navy...one in the church. The naval man became an
admiral, and wore his much-decorated uniform with great pride. The
churchman became a bishop and always wore colorful ecclesiastical robes.
After they had not seen each other for some years, they happened
to meet at the doorway of a fancy hotel in Philadelphia. They
recognized each other but did not let on. Instead, the bishop walked
over to the admiral, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Pardon me,
doorman, but could you please hail me a taxi for the station?"
The admiral turned, looked the bishop up and down, and answered
very graciously, "Madame, in your condition, do you think you should be
traveling?"
--------------------------
Remember the words of Abraham Lincoln's great, great
grandfather: "He who wants milk should not sit in the middle of a field
and wait for a cow to back up to him."
--------------------------
One creative flight attendant on Air New Zealand Flight 437
found a way to capture her audience's attention. Even the most seasoned
flyers perked up their ears when they heard the cheerful voice proclaim:
"There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but only eight ways to
leave this aircraft. Please find your exit before you find your lover."
--------------------------
Church notice in Seattle, Washington: "Come early -- if you want
a back seat."
--------------------------
Nature blunders too -- she often gives the biggest mouths to
those who have the least to say.
--------------------------
A small-town minister during the course of one of his discourses
said: "In each blade of grass there is a sermon."
Later that afternoon one of his parishioners discovered the good
man pushing a lawn mower about his garden and paused to remark:
"Well, parson, I am glad to observe you engaged in cutting your
sermons short."
--------------------------
A man took his dog into a pub, bought a pint and settled down to watch
the football on the TV set above the bar. As luck would have it, it was
a Fulham home game. After a one-sided match Fulham lost, and the dog
said, quite clearly, `Oh, no -- not again!'
The barman, startled, walked over to the owner and said `Did your dog
just say ``Oh, no -- not again''?'
`Yes', replied the owner blandly, `he always says that when Fulham
lose.'
`What does he say when Fulham win?'
`Don't know. I've only had him five years.'
--------------------------
A friend of mine recently sued for (and obtained) a divorce
because her husband had hit her with a maple leaf.
Seems it was the maple leaf from the dining room table.
--------------------------
"Mr President," said one of his aides, "I was wondering, sir, if it
might be possible for my son to work somewhere in the White House."
"Of course," replied the president. "What does he do?"
The aide threw up his hands and said, "Nothing."
"Excellent," noted the president. "We won't even have to train him"
--------------------------
As the police officer helped the bruised young man from the
pavement, he asked, "Sir, can you describe the man who beat you?"
"Of course," he said through several missing teeth. "In fact,
that's what I was doing when the SOB slugged me."
--------------------------
The teacher asked each member of her sixth-grade class to write
the names of nine outstanding Americans. Ten minutes later, the teacher
saw that everyone but Earl had finished writing.
"What's the matter, Earl?" the teacher asked. "Can't you think
of nine great Americans?"
"I have eight," Earl said. "But I still need a second baseman."
--------------------------
An election year is when the air is filled with speeches and
vice versa.
The reason so many politicians are anxious to get reelected is
they are afraid to try to make a living back home under the
laws they passed in Washington.
The politicians' promises of yesterday are the taxes of today.
Some politicians' minds are like concrete...thoroughly mixed and
permanently set.
Sometimes we wonder if our money is spent wisely. Thousands
of dollars are spent for a school bus to keep kids from walking.
Then another half-a-million dollars is allocated for a gym so
the kids can get exercise.
--------------------------
A woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a
hat, to the photographer. She wanted to know if the photographer could
remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do
that, and asked her what side of his head he parted his hair on.
"I forgot," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when
you take off his hat."
--------------------------
Susie: "I got a new insight into marriage while I was at
church last Sunday."
Mabel: "Yeah? Tell me about it."
Susie: "Well, like everyone else, I always thought that a
single marriage, you know, monogamy, was the way to
go. But not now."
Mabel: "Wow!" That is a shift for you. What did the preacher
say?"
Susie: "I heard him say distinctly, `four better, four worse,
four richer, four poorer.' That makes sixteen."
--------------------------
Church typewriters are notorious for embarrassing blunders in
church bulletins. One error, using the work "life," printed the sermon
topic: "How to Change Your Wife Through Prayer."
On another bulletin, intending to use "take," the pastor's
column read: "Many calls come to the church each week and we
conscientiously fake an interest in every one of them."
--------------------------
A woman was applying for the renewal of her driver's license.
She was asked by the inspector, "Have you ever been judged insane or
feeble-minded? He paused and smiled, adding, "That is, by anyone other
than your own children?"
--------------------------
Some of these young salesmen have no respect for senior citizens...I
walked by a cemetery the other day, and a salesman was out in front,
selling cemetery lots. When I told him that I wasn't interested, he
said, "Mister, how old are you?" I told him my age, and he said,
"My! That's hardly worth going home is it?"
--------------------------
A monkey is having a draft in his local tavern. When he's down to
the last sip, he spits the beer at the bartender. The monkey
apologizes to the bartender: "Please forgive me, you probably think
we do this in the jungle all the time. Actually, it's a nervous habit
I just can't seem to break it. It is so embarrassing."
"You'd better see a psychiatrist," says the bartender.
A few weeks later, the monkey comes in the bar again. He sits down
and orders a beer. Just as he's about to take the last sip he spits
at the bartender.
"Hey, I thought you were going to see a psychiatrist!"
"I have been," said the monkey.
"Well, it's not doing any good."
"Yes, it is," said the monkey, "now I'm not embarrassed about it."
--------------------------
Mother, father, and small son were out to dinner. The waitress
took the parents' orders and then turned to the boy. "What will you
have?" she asked.
"I'd like a hot dog, and...." the boy began.
"No, no," the mother interrupted, "no hot dogs. He'll have
beef, potatoes, milk...."
But the waitress ignored the mother and asked the boy, "Ketchup
or mustard on the hot dog?"
"Ketchup," replied the boy, smiling, "and a Coke."
The waitress turned away and started for the kitchen saying,
"Coming up!"
The parents were dumbfounded. Then the kid said to them, "Know
what? She thinks I'm real."
--------------------------
One of the wonderful things about children is that they are
ready to leap right in and be helpful even though they may not fully
understand what's involved. One might even say that they are
overconfident.
A salesman telephoned a household, and a four-year-old
boy answered. The conversation went thus:
Salesman: May I speak to your mother?
Boy: She's not here.
Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?
Boy: My sister.
Salesman: O.K., find. May I speak to her?
Boy: I guess so.
At this point there was a very long silence on the phone. Then:
Boy: Hello?
Salesman: It's you. I thought you were going to call your
sister.
Boy: I did. The trouble is, I can't get her out of the
playpen.
--------------------------
After dying, Clent was thrilled to see the splended pearly gates,
knowing that his life could not have been that bad. Upon arriving, he
met St.Peter at the gate.
"I see you must have led a decent life, after all you are up here."
St.Peter told him. Clent grinned proudly.
"Before we allow you any special comforts, we must take a look at your
lie-clock. It will tell us how many lies you have told." St.Peter said.
As they walked down the halls, each room filled with awe-inspiring
clocks, St.Peter began telling of the clocks.
"Here is the clock of the pope."He said. Clent looked at it, and sure
enough it was the pope's. It was not moving at all.
As they walked on, St.Peter said "Here is the clock of Cindy
Crawford." Clent looked at it, and he saw that the hands of the clock
were moving in a rather slow manner.
As they walked on, St.Peter explained each one. After entering a
second room, Clent looked apon the ceiling and saw a clock moving at
incredibly speed.
"Wow!"He commented," Who's clock is that?"
St.Peter looked up at the clock then told Clent, "Thats Bill Clinton's
clock. We use it as a ceiling fan."
--------------------------
Ralph owned a small men's store near a factory in Indiana. One
afternoon after school was out, Ralph asked his eleven-year-old son Pete
to watch the store for a few minutes while he ran to the bank. When
Ralph returned he asked, "Pete, were there any customers while I was
gone?"
And Pete replied, "Yes, Pa, there was one, but he couldn't wait
for you so I measured him for a suit. He'll pick it up tomorrow."
"How in the world did you measure him so quickly?" asked an
astonished Ralph.
"Easy," Pete stated as he pointed to the chalked outline of a
man's body on the floor.
--------------------------
"Harriet, you really made me angry tonight."
"Oh dear, I'm sorry. What did I do?"
"You just the same as told everybody how old I was when you
announced that we had a four percent mortgage on the house."
--------------------------
A speech-writer for President Lyndon Johnson (1908-1973;
president, 1963-1969) had been fired and was feeling angry. He knew
Johnson usually didn't look at his cue cards before his speeches. Here
are the cards the fired writer provided for Johnson's speech in hopes
they'd be used and he'd get revenge.
CARD 1: "You have heard people say that we cannot fight a war
half way around the world and still pursue the goals of
our great society. Well, I say we can, and I will tell
you how."
CARD 2: "You have heard people say that we cannot maintain an
economy that makes jobs available to everyone and still
win the fight against inflation. Well, I say we can,
and I will tell you how."
CARD 3: "They say we cannot bring racial justice to America
without anger and dissension. Well, I say we can, and
I will tell you how."
LAST CARD: "O.K., Lyndon, you're on your own."
--------------------------
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on
emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr.
Nichols: What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"
"Elation."
"How about the opposite of woe, Mr. Wilson?"
"I believe that's giddyap," the student replied.
--------------------------
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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