From cate3@netcom.com Thu Jun 15 08:40:23 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life E.4
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 21 Jun 94 16:24:44 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life E.4
The selections are from the eniac mailing list run by:
rissa@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
----------------------------------------------------
From: perley@cadence.com (Don Perley)
I didn't see it, but rumor has it Richard Welty appeared on the local
news demonstrating usenet's response to the earthquake.
ALong the opportunistic vein, Prodigy is running ads on the lines of:
"Sign up now and send email to your loved ones in the quake zone!"
--------------------------
From: cook@dollar.crd.ge.com (Cathi Cook)
This has been a cold winter. I think everyone knows this by now. On
two occasions, the thermometer on my next-door neighbor's deck has
read -30F at 8am. On another, it was -23F. (I'm waiting for the day
it hits -40. Then I won't have to specify a scale.)
My husband and I were out driving tonight, and passed a Mexican
restaurant. On the sign out front, usually reserved for announcements
of which local radio station will be sponsoring happy hour next, it
read:
ONLY 2936700
SECONDS UNTIL SPRING
YIPPEE!
There are some desperate people around here.
--------------------------
From: sfisher@megatest.com (Scott Fisher)
So I returned from lunch to find a van parked in front of the main
door here at work. It was the ubiquitous work van, painted white,
but on it were the following horrifying words:
ACME SECURITY SYSTEMS
Well, that does it. I've got to leave before 6 pm when they lock the
doors. I don't want to hold my badge up to the key and have an anvil
fall on my head.
(On the other hand, making accordion noises when I walk would really
amuse the children. This might not be all bad...)
--------------------------
From: "John F. Woods" [prudence!mejac!uunet.UU.NET!jfwhome!jfw@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us]
This week's "Information Superhighway Cliche" award goes to Allan Sloan,
columnist for Newsday, for an article I saw in the Boston Globe about the
failed Bell Atlantic / TCI merger. The title: "A dead dog on the shoulder
of the 'superhighway'".
--------------------------
From: vnend@princeton.edu (D. W. James)
Subj: I knew things were bad...
But this headline took me by surprise:
Clinton Would Support U.N. Peacekeeping in Georgia
I thought we were coming out of the recession...
--------------------------
From: kelley@flowcyt.cyto.purdue.edu (Steve Kelley)
The president of Russia cold-shouldered Richard Nixon because
Nixon was associating with Communists.
Life is a funny old dog, ain't it?
--------------------------
From: "William Rodham Wisner" [wisner@well.sf.ca.us]
IRIX Release 4.0.5C System V mundil.cs.mu.OZ.AU
Copyright 1987-1992 Silicon Graphics, Inc.
All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Mundil - A Computer Science Student Machine
UNAUTHORIZED ACCESS PROHIBITED
WARNING: Mundil is in a very messed up state. Caution. Whatever
you do may destroy you. Please simply go away until Wednesday.
--------------------------
From: rissa@prudence.fof.org (Patricia O Tuama)
Subj: SimCity 2000
there's a great computer-generated index that appears to have
been taken directly from the sub-headings of each individual
chapters. included are the following terms:
About this manual 3
Dealing with disaster 121-129
Easy, medium and hard games 97
Inside the simulation 97-118
Nuclear meltdown 123
Oops 124
Reference 45-124
Shift-click 7
The Monster 124 (in with the T's naturally)
What makes a (Sim)City? 8-9
and my favorite:
Who are you and what are you doing? 46
--------------------------
From: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
Boston is sending out the city census forms right now. I just received
mine. I also received one for a psuedonym I sometimes use when doing
things like requesting literature from organizations of questionable
reputation.
Not sure how they got that name other than reading it off my door. The
few times I've used it were not to the sorts of organizations who are
likely to share their db's with the city (and all were out of state.)
Actually, it's funnier than that. The census form for my psuedonym is
partially filled in. The City of Boston seems to have determined that
he was born in 1955. That's not my birth year, so we are distinct. He
is also apparently a citizen of the USA.
The letter itself is addressed to the whole XXXX family tho only his
name appears on the partially filled-in form inside. There's certainly
adequate space in there to provide him with a family if that's what
they want.
This leaves me with a few possibilities:
1. Ignore it - From past experience this will eventually cause a
person to come to my door pestering me about this. They're either
persistent enough to eventually find me at home since they have in the
past or they know exactly when I'm home (well, I think they tend to
show up at 8AM on a Saturday morning if they miss you a few times.)
2. Fill it out - This may be technically illegal, almost certainly is
for whoever signs the form since there's some warning about perjury
(tho is mere existence perjury? and if the person doesn't exist can
one be acused of lying about his occupation, age, etc?) Of course, if
my psuedonym signs the form then they can go put *him* in jail if he
lies. Or fill it out and don't sign it. Boston is not exactly the
height of efficiency, they may just take it as-is. Then again creating
a fictitious person has some merit.
Hmmm. I suppose there are three letters I should be terrified about
when considering this idea: IRS. Actually, I should probably be
concerned already. I doubt very much that the IRS is forbidden from
pursuing fictitious people for taxes. In fact, they probably have an
entire dept whose only purpose is to collect taxes from fictitious
persons. They're probably quite successful at this. I wonder how they
estimate the income of a fictitious person. I also suspect I don't
want to know.
3. Call the appropriate office and 'fess up - This seems logical and
responsible but why do I get the sinking feeling that it will cause
some kind of problem? Like, maybe they'll try to make me prove this
person doesn't exist (I mean, he was born in 1955, they know that, now
I'm telling them he doesn't exist?) Or isn't buried in the basement.
People aren't often born in 1955 and then suddenly cease to exist 39
years later.
4. Report him as dead/moved/unknown/not-at-this-address - Well,
reporting him dead has its risks, someone may want more details like
where in the basement I have him buried and why they cannot find a
coroner's report etc. "Moved" might just invite more questions like if
I know so much about him then where is he exactly (someplace else in
the city?) Unknown seems attractive, a sin of omission, as is not at
this address.
Oh well, suggestions welcome, and how many dogs should he own? That's
one of the questions, and spayed or not?
--------------------------
From: jfw@ksr.com (John F. Woods)
This week's MacWEEK has an article on the Computers, Freedom and Privacy
Conference last month. Two paragraphs go as follows
An employee of the NSA, speaking on an unofficial basis,
downplayed the fears of others at the conference about the NSA's
true intentions. "A lot of people think the NSA is a cabal whose
main concern is how to invade privacy and oppress people, but the
vast majority in the NSA are basically patriotic Americans who
think that it is a dangerous world and that we are doing good
things for the country."
The FBI provided a sideshow to the conference one night, raiding
the hotel where the conference was held and arresting a man
mistakenly identified as a fugitive computer criminal. The agency
briefly detained another participant, again as a result of a mistake.
(1) The NSA employee's "but" does not introduce a contradiction. Why am I
not reassured?
(2) Well, it's reassuring to know that a competant and careful agency like
the FBI is going to be given trivial access to all my phone conversations.
--------------------------
From: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
"What do they mean money doesn't grow on trees? It's made of paper
isn't it? Where do they think paper comes from?"
--------------------------
From: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
In the Economist they reported that an Amsterdamer they stopped on the
street and asked about one of the candidates for prime minister in the
recent election described him as "a Dan Quayle only without the brains."
--------------------------
From: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
Anyone run into "OK" soda? It's made by coca-cola so it's not all that
interesting (not like some weirdo jumped into the market with this)
tho the marketing is kind of, well, different. It's got this horribly
cheap and amateurish looking label that's designed to look as if it
has those little red and white lick-the-back labels stuck on it and
has (very silly and barely funny) "coincidence #3" (or various
numbers) with some very silly little story like someone drinking their
soda and being able to thereafter balance a spoon on his nose.
However, there is an 800 number which is even slightly stranger tho,
well, hey, try it: 1-800-I-FEEL-OK.
Not a great cultural event, but I suppose for cultural events it's
"ok" even if a bit contrived.
The soda itself is also just "ok", kind of a fruity, carbonated affair
that's kind of murky looking.
-b
There's some other soda I sometimes buy that does seem to be an
independent which has on its label in big letters "NO ONE FAMOUS
DRINKS THIS SODA!"
--------------------------
From: Batman Returns [BRUCE@UTXVMS.CC.UTEXAS.EDU]
Ernie, Esq.
ernie.cat@netcom.com
Career Goal
Long term position as HOUSECAT.
Qualifications
* Omnivorous. Strong rodent-control capabilities.
* Excellent nonverbal communication skills. Highly trained purring.
* Affectionate. Adaptable. Rare feline willingness to follow
established guidelines.
* Proven stud potential.
Experience
BARNCAT Westchester Estates, New York. March 1988-May 1990
* Ensured day-to-day rodent control for two story, 35,000 sq.
foot barn.
* Consumed over five rodents per day (average).
* Achieved 37% reduction in barn swallow population.
* Awarded feline leukemia inoculation after one month of service.
* Earned in-house privileges for outstanding service and
behavior after only two months on the job!
ALLEYCAT Wilshire Boulevard, Los Angeles, California. November
1986-February 1988
* Successfully maintained territorial boundaries of four square
block area in notoriously competitive and dangerous location.
* Developed proficiency in urban survival, hunting, and
scavenging skills.
* Honored by co-cats for consistent expertise in maneuvering
safely and adroitly through heavy traffic of skateboards,
cars, and rollerskates.
Education
Certificate: Feline Deportment, February, 1987.
* Tom & Jerry, Associates, Hollywood, California. 1 year
intensive study with Tom of famed "Tom & Jerry" partnership.
High honors.
References available on request.
--------------------------
From: richard@panchax.gryphon.com (Richard J. Sexton)
Alright, I've used aanother snappy quote; where do I register the
thing so Godwin won't claim it's his ?
"You can get anything you want on the net... except consensus"
Is there some registry agency I have to apply to get a usenet rule # ?
Oh wait, lemmee guess, I need a lawyer to do this. I think I see the
flaw in this plan.
--------------------------
From: richard@panchax.gryphon.com (Richard J. Sexton)
Whats more stupid than a person who posts MAKE-MONEY-FAST schemes
to the net ?
Somebody who wants to but can't figure it out:
----------
]Newsgroups: alt.ascii-art
]Subject: Make Money Fast
]Date: 26 May 1994 05:33:12 GMT
]
]
]
]
]
]
]~r make-fast-money
]
]
]
--------------------------
From: vnend@princeton.edu (D. W. James)
I'm saving for a car:
LYNDHURST, N.J. (Reuter) - Rolls-Royce Motor Cars Monday
announced what it said is the fastest and most powerful
Rolls-Royce built in its 90-year history.
Named the Flying Spur, the four-door sedan is powered by a
6.75-litre turbo-charged V8 engine, the luxury automaker's
first turbo-charged model under the Rolls-Royce marque. It has
previously offered turbo-charged engines only in its Bentley
line.
The Flying Spur, priced at $225,000 in the United States
and C$278,000 in Canada, will be a limited edition model with
only 35 being produced for North America this year.
The car, which weighs 5,440 pounds, accelerates from 0 to
60 mph in under 7 seconds. Equipped with anti-lock power disc
brakes on all four wheels, it stops from that speed in about
three seconds, requiring 145 feet.
Michael Donovan, Rolls managing director, said the car was
built in response to requests from owners for a
high-performance Rolls-Royce. "While achieving phenomenal
performance for a car of its size, the Flying Spur is fitted
with all the luxuries owners expect in a Rolls- Royce motor
car," he said.
...
Wheeeeeee
--------------------------
From: oleg@veritas.com (Oleg Kiselev)
Never mind the context...
]From: jonn
]Subject: Re: ASTRONOMICAL FRENCH (fwd)
]
]God. This reminds me of one of the more horrible work experiences I had at
]a horrid and vile company whose name I am still unable to mention without
]twitching.
]
]This company pretended to do CAD work, and they had just purchased a 2D
]plant design package from a french company. Now, this package was designed
]specifically for use by this company and it really wouldn't apply to anyone
]else. Add that to the fact that everyone else on the planet was already
]doing 3D plant design obsoleting the thing before it ever hit my desk and
]you get an idea how excited we all were to work on this.
]
]The entire thing was in french. It was my job to translate the french into
]english. I don't speak a word of french, but that was ok, because no one
]else on the project did, either. I imagine I was placed on this project
]because of the extensive and thorough knowledge of plant design which I do
]not have.
]
]Mostly I spent my days practicing my Inspector Clouseu accent on the words
]I was reading but didn't understand in case one of our brilliant managers
]walked by. This would actually be enough to fool them into thinking I was
]actually doing something.
]
]They had given me a french-english dictionary when I made note of the fact
]that I had not clue one how to speak french. I even offered to take, at
]their expense, a course in french but they declined. So when it looked
]like someone was getting annoyed that no work was getting done I'd have to
]use the dictionary to translate some of the words in this thing.
]
]They didn't give me a technical dictionary, they gave me a common usage
]dictionary. Words that I later learned translated to "security loop" I
]translated into something along the lines of "safety belt buckle." Heck,
]I didn't know anything about plant design, the french, or their language,
]so that's how it got translated. I had all kinds of things like "pile of
]stones" listed under some electronic device. No one ever complained,
]because not one of these ever got sold, which we knew was going to happen
]in the first place.
]
]This only took the time up of 4 people for about 8 months...
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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