From cate3@netcom.com Thu Jun 1 13:04:12 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life D.V
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 7 Jun 94 12:50:41 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life D.V
The following were sifted out of rec.humor
----------------------------------------------------
From: rmontgom@abacus.bates.edu (Robert Montgomery)
I will never forget a close call when I was in the 8th grade. We were in
the process of taking a spelling test, when the teacher called out a
particularly difficut word. The teacher called out the word (for the life
of me I can't remember what it was), and a student responded with a word
that rhymed from the back of the class. "No," replied the teacher. He
repeated the word. "Oh...," said the student, popping off another word
that sounded alot like the one in question. The teacher grew exasperated,
and shouted out the word in question. The student rolled his eyes, "Hows
it spelled?" Our poor teacher got through the first couple of sylables
before it dawned on him that he'd been duped.
--------------------------
From: lindb894@cs.uidaho.edu (Kristina Lindberg)
| "A friend of mine owed me money and wouldn't pay. |
| I wrote him a check for a negative amount." |
--------------------------
From: kevint@hebron.connected.com (Kevin Talbot)
Here's a REAL tombstone I saw on Boot Hill cemetery in Arizona (I have a
picture of it, honest!)
Here lies Les Moore
Died from four slugs from a 44
No less, no more.
----------------------------------------------------
The following is stuff sifted out of rec.humor by
an anonymous sifter
--------------------------
From: fitzgb@fracture.meche.rpi.edu (Brian Fitzgerald)
Liam: If you marry a Catholic you go straight to heaven when you die.
Sean: Why is that?
Liam: Because you've already spent your life in purgatory.
--------------------------
From: ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu (Alan R Meiss)
Subj: Rotten First Lines for Novels
Leroy began his day with a trip to the insurance agency,
where he purchased exhaustive life insurance, which was fortunate
since he dies at the end of the book.
Percival's mind often wandered as he worked, and he would
think endlessly, thinking about thinking, thinking about thinking
about thoughts about thinking, and thoughts thereupon thunk,
until in his reverie he fell from the mizzen mast into the briny
depths of the great sea and was never heard from again, which is
why this story does not involve him.
Jerome's life was particularly dull at that time, and showed
no prospect of improvement in the near future, so you might as
well hop ahead to page 53 so you won't be bored out of your skull.
--------------------------
From: eapu160@rigel.oac.uci.edu (Mr. Wizard)
I know that this doesn't really count as a "prank", but once in high
school chem we were doing potassium experiments, and there were 36
students (so there were 37 people including the teacher). Each student
has 20 test tubes full of water and into each one he or she places a small
amount of potassium (the experiment was supposed to test the production
of hydrogen.) After the experiment, each person puts the test tubes into
a central trash can (for those of you slow in math, that's 740 test tubes
EACH ONE of which is pumping out hydrogen.) Later on we were doing tests
with glowing splints, and the teacher said "don't put a burning splint into
the trash can" (for obvious reasons) Well, one girl thought that a glowing
splint (not burning) would be ok. All I can say is that the column of
red flame was more spectacular than any movie nuclear blast! In fact,
to this day (6 years later), there is still a very large burn mark on
the ceiling of that classroom.
----------------------------------------------------
The following is stuff sifted out of rec.humor by
From: dac@prolix.pub.uu.oz.au (Andrew Clayton)
--------------------------
From: hameed@hal.COM (Hameed Mohammed)
Talking of accident statistics,
Drive on the road dividers. Statistics say: The least
number of accidents happen there.
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Thomas Nhan [tom@cassandra.chem.washington.edu]
--------------------------
posted by absinthe
amusing at first, from a .sig:
"Proof Windows is a Virus: It is very widespread, It eats up your disk
space, It slows down your computer, It takes control over your
computer, It performs disk access at random times, It displays silly
messages on your screen, It randomly crashes the computer."
- Vesselin
--------------------------
From: The cafeteria deep fryer is NOT a toy. [begonia]
"The human body is 90 percent water. Everything you find attractive
about Mel Gibson, Kim Basinger, and Richard Gere is just lust for a
fancy water container."
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Philip A. Fleischmann:ES AE
--------------------------
From: rebull@dei2.uchicago.edu (Luisa Rebull)
This is your brain:
1 + 1 = 2
This is your brain on physics:
ln [ lim(z-]inf) (1+1/z)^z ] + sin^2(x) + cos^2(x) =
summation(n=0,inf) [ cosh(y)*sqrt(1-tanh^2(y)) / 2^n ]
Any questions?
(yes, it really works!)
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Ed Lopes:LSBG-ECE
--------------------------
From: claridge@wronz.org.nz
At the [local university] psychology department, an important
breakthrough in training methods has been achieved.
The department has bred a group of mice with a particular heart
defect, that causes them to have a mild heart attack under particular
circumstances.
Dr. [important researcher] has been experimenting with training
methods, and has trained another group of mice to recognise the onset
of these heart attacks. Once these trained mice realise what is
happening, they press a bar that administers a shock treatment to the
suffering mice, correcting the incipient heart failure.
Dr [important researcher] says it is the first known case of
mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
--------------------------
From: PBSAMPSO@CHEMISTRY.watstar.uwaterloo.ca (Pete Sampson)
The instructions on a telephone I bought recently:
How to answer a call:
1) Phone will ring (provided the ringer is turned on)
2) Pick up the receiver and say "hello" into the mouthpiece and
listen for a response.
3) Upon completion of the conversation, hang up the receiver.
I'm still bitter that they didn't tell me which end was the
mouthpiece.....
--------------------------
From: wl-grond-the@society.com
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I dunno but it will cost you $300 and the old lightbulb for the upgrade...
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Thomas R. Gondolfi:El Segundo
--------------------------
--jhaynes@dante.nmsu.edu
"Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for yourself!"
--------------------------
From: pcom2334@altair.selu.edu
REAL BOOKS WITH STRANGE TITLES II
I'll See You In Court
(The life and times of Zsa Zsa Gabor: the glamour, the cops, the
slapfights...)
Another 1,001 Fishing Tips and Tricks
(I hate to ask, but what were the first 1,001 tips and tricks?)
Vanna Speaks
(The fun part is, you get to fill in all the vowels.)
--------------------------
From: jcollin@phakt.usc.edu (C/4C John Collin USAF)
What do you call a schizophrenic Zen Buddhist?
A man who is at two with the universe.
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
UNGERMAN@applelink.apple.com (Ungerman, Kimball)
--------------------------
From: D.G.Legros@bradford.ac.uk (d.g.legorros)
Q: How do New Yorkers give mouth to mouth resusitation?
A: 1) Kneel down next to the unconsious person.
2) Place face just above face of unconcious person.
3) Shout (loud), "Get up or you're gonna die!!"
--------------------------
From: roger@csi.on.ca (Roger Sumner)
from his sig file:
The above opinions were beamed into my brain by alien telepaths.
I used to suspect the Russians, but they don't have the funding
for that kind of thing anymore.
--------------------------
From: monroeb@essex.hsc.colorado.edu (Brian Monroe)
In high school, we created a fake student on the school computer and named him
Warneroverlimbersteinmonberghofoweicz, Ed
--------------------------
From: Chris Barnes cbarnes@tamvm1.tamu.edu
"A career is not an end unto itself. It is a vehicle to an end (a
goal). People have forgotten that. When they realize they can't
reach their REAL goals, they make the career become the goal."
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Peter Yee [yee@atlas.arc.nasa.gov]
--------------------------
From: jeff@lonexa.admin.rl.af.mil (Jeffrey C. Isherwood)
] Ronald.J.Kimball@dartmouth.edu (Chipmunk) writes:
]Michigan has two seasons: Winter and Roadwork.
New Hampshire has three: When the trees have leaves,
When the leaves change color
When the leaves fall off
--------------------------
From: kjp@garnet.msen.com (Kevin Podsiadlik)
Subj: Information Highway
This is getting way off topic, so I'm sending it to rec.humor,
never to be seen again.
Anyway, I just saw an ad in Byte for CompuServe, calling itself
the "CompuServe Highway".
Which begs the question: if the CompuServe Highway were a real
highway, which one would it be?
My guess would be the Ohio Turnpike.
--------------------------
From: evansb@pairgain.com (Bill Evans)
Subject: Re: more tax humor
The most tempting moment while completing the official, unaltered California
Form 540 is line 63:
63. If you do _not_ need California income tax forms mailed to you next
year, check here. ( )
--------------------------
From: stephan@henson.cc.wwu.edu (Ed Stephan)
Subj: Rude (NOT) Places to Live
Nevada City CA is in the gold rush region of the Sierras. A road runs out of
it through several interesting old gold mining camps which once boasted
substantial populations. Along with places named "Red Dog" and "You Bet"
and "Rough and Ready" there is a string of places with names like "Scotch
Flat" and "Whiskey Hill" and "Bourbon Hill".
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
tonyp@cnvxla.convex.com (honey bunny)
--------------------------
From: jeff@meridiantc.com (Jeff Timmerberg)
How do you keep the Buffalo Bills out of your front yard?
Put a GOAL LINE around it!
--------------------------
From: jdholmes@access.digex.net (J. David Holmes)
'twas an evening in November,
And I very well remember,
I was walking down the street in drunken pride.
But my knees went all a'flutter,
and I landed in the gutter,
and a pig walked up and lay down by my side.
Now I lie there in the gutter,
Thinking thoughts I dare not utter,
When a colleen, passing by, did softly say:
"You can tell a man who boozes,
by the company he chooses".
And at that, the pig got up and walked away!
--------------------------
"No free man shall ever be de-barred the use of arms. The strongest
reason for the people to retain their right to keep and bear arms is
as a last resort to protect themselves against tyranny in government."
-Thomas Jefferson
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
krisna@cs.wisc.edu (Krishna Kunchithapadam)
--------------------------
From: 157ochs@wmich.edu
A man in Grand Rapids was arrested for stealing a motorhome
around here yesterday. Police went to his house and arrested
him.
It couldn't have been easier to find,unless he left a trail of
string.
He left behind his tax forms accidently, so when the motorhome
was located, his tax forms were there, listing his name, address,
age, and phone number. Police used this to go to his home, where
they found him and arrested him.
--------------------------
From: evansb@pairgain.com (Bill Evans)
If a guy from Arkansas is hard of hearing, and he can't afford
a hearing aid, and can't find one of those old-fashioned ear
trumpets, and he sorta makes one from scratch by removing the
handle from a pointed saw and sticking the point end of the
blade into his ear, what do you call that implement?
A harkin' saw.
--------------------------
From: gobeirne@tartarus.uwa.edu.au (Greg O'Beirne)
Review Questions
(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a
pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
Send your answers to anybody but us.
--------------------------
From: dlovely@mbvlab.wpafb.af.mil (Dave Lovely)
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer & a soldier?
A: A soldier leaves you when you are dead.
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Keith Hendrickson:omaha
--------------------------
From: masc1745@ucssun1.sdsu.edu (Avoid normal situations.)
Q: What is the difference between a mouse and a young lady?
A: One harms the cheese, while the other charms the he's.
--------------------------
From: das131@jester.usask.ca (Darryl Anton Joseph Staflund)
Did you know that the last ice age began on the northern
shores of Scotland about 10,000 years ago? It's almost
as though God had wanted Scotch on the rocks!!!
--------------------------
From: caffiene@cbnewsb.cb.att.com (david.w.saunders)
Subj: What does DIA (Denver Internation Airport) stand for (Collection)
Here are some of the responces I have collected:
Damn Inconvenient Access
Delay International Airport
Delayed It Again?
Denver's Interest Accumulates
Denver Inaginary Airport
Destroyed In the Airport (i.e. your luggage)
Dodos In Action
Done In Awhile
Done In August 199?
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Nancy L. Crawford:WBST129
--------------------------
From: gary@sci34hub.sci.com (Gary Heston)
True story, read in the newspaper:
Three guys were walking along a street someplace in Oregon or Washington
State, wearing black leather jackets, combat boots, and very close haircut,
all three in their early 20s. Some of the local residents started harassing
them, calling them skinheads, Nazis, and so on, eventually starting a fight
with the three. Locals promptly got their asses kicked thoroughly.
The three were members of a US Army paratroop outfit stationed nearby.
Oops....
--------------------------
From: hud@wpi.WPI.EDU (Hud Quistorff)
If the Amish prefer simplicity and the ways of nature to modernity, does it
not seem reasonable that they would use "button and clasp"-codes instead of
ZIP-codes?
--------------------------
In article [CnHG3o.u24@empros.com], berts@empros.com (Bert Sheldon on adam)
writes:
]
]The answer was to change each character in "HAL" to the next
]character in the alphabet. Thus "A" becomes "B", "B" becomes "C" etc.
]and "HAL" becomes "IBM".
And if you back up one letter for "WNT" (Windows NT) you get "VMS"...
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
Back to my Life Humor Page
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