From cate3@netcom.com Thu May 25 11:39:38 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life D.T
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 3 Jun 94 17:11:20 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life D.T
The following selections are from fido.humor
which was forwarded to me by:
Robert Dolan:wbst129UL
----------------------------------------------------
As any one can tell you, there are three major parties in
America. Republican, Democratic, and Tupperware.
--------------------------
The lawyer stood before the judge only to hear that court would be
adjourned for the day and he would have to return the next day.
"What For?" The lawyer bellowed at the judge.
The judge, equally irked by a tedious day and the rude treatment
meted by the lawyer, roared, "Twenty dollars - contempt of court.
That's why!" Then, noticing that the lawyer was checking his wallet,
the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay the fine
right now."
The lawyer replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough to say more."
--------------------------
Jill: What are you doing at the mall, Bill? I thought you were going to
a play tonight.
Bill: Yeah, but there was an intermission.
Jill: But the theater's on the other side of town. How will you get back
in time?
Bill: No problem! The movie said: Act 2, Five weeks later!
--------------------------
The soldier of a tank struggling through the Sahara, met a Bedouin
perched high on his camel. "How do I get to the Siwa oasis?" asked the
soldier.
"Straight ahead, replied the son of the desert, "and on Tuesday
make a sharp right."
--------------------------
1st guy: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
2nd guy: I don't know. Why?
1st guy: Too many cheetahs.
--------------------------
A hunter from the city bagged a big buck deer. Just about that time,
the game warden arrived and asked if the hunter had a hunting
license. The hunter said he didn't have a license, so the game
warden had to take the hunter and the deer to town.
The game warden helped the hunter drag the 300-pound deer out to the
road--at which point the hunter exclaimed, "I just remembered--I do
have a deer license after all."
--------------------------
A man is sitting at a bar on Beacon Hill, orders a beer and looks out
the window. Suddenly, he slams the glass of beer down, runs outside
and yells "Green side up!" He returns to the bar, picks up his beer
and continues talking to the guy next to him. After a few moments, he
looks out the window and again, runs outside and hollers, "Green side
up!"
The guy next to him looks puzzled and is about to ask him what's
going on when the same scene occurs. The man slams his beer down,
runs outside and again yells "Green side up, green side up for crying
out loud!"
Finally his drinking buddy stops him and asks for an explanation.
"Oh," said the man, "it's just some State workers trying to plant
some trees."
--------------------------
We're having definitions of words, Dad, and the teacher asked
some tough ones."
"How tough," his father replied. "Give me an example."
"Monologue was one...define monologue."
"That one I know," his father responded, "it's a conversation
between your Grandma and me."
--------------------------
An elephant was drinking from a river in the jungle when he spied
a snapping turtle sleeping on a log. He ambled over to it and kicked it
clear across the river. "Why did you do that!" asked the giraffe?
"Because," said the elephant "he was the turtle who nipped my trunk 50
yr. ago." "What a memory!" the giraffe exclaimed. "yes" replied the
elephant. "Turtle Recall."
--------------------------
This guy called John goes fishing off a pier. He finally catches a
fish, and is about to put him in the cooler when he hears the fish
cry out
"Oh No! Please don't kill me. I'm the only talking fish in the
world!"
"Oh yeah?" says John "What's you name?"
"I'm Rusty, the only talking salmon in the world! Please let me
loose, I'm too young to die!"
John thinks about it for a moment, thinks about all the years ahead
that he has, so he lets Rusty go.
60 years later, John is 85 and goes fishing at the same place where
he caught Rusty. Anyways, after a few days he catches this huge
salmon about 5 feet long.
"Rusty?" says John.
"John is that you?" asks Rusty.
"Yeah, hi Rusty!" replies John.
"So, watcha been doing?" questions Rusty.
"Well, I've been working, and just lately retired. What've you
been doing, Rusty?"
"Well John, I went swimming and found the Titanic, and it was so
beautiful I wrote a book of poems about it
"Oh yeah? What's it called?" queries John.
Rusty then says: "It's THE TITANIC VERSES, by SALMON RUSTY!"
--------------------------
While cruising at nearly forty thousand feet, the airplane
shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.
"Good Lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly
the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine
exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses
couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling
confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone
that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor
seemed to assuage most of the passengers, who sat back down as the
pilot calmly wakded to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed
several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the
flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to his back.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to
worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're
going to get help."
From: Dave Coble
--------------------------
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four
days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's
mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Pbone
948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It
should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and
ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several
annoyiny telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad
yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D. Jones has
one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask
for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed
it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not
been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper
but she quit!
--------------------------
From: Dave Coble
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came
upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the
curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of
heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were
right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you
know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000
Shekels on Goliath'."
--------------------------
From: Nancy Carson
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice
session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the
players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach
and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey
caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted,
"You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you
get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is,
does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
--------------------------
From: Nancy Carson
A well-known chess master took his six-year-old son to matches
in the hope of instilling a love of the game in the boy. At one tense
moment in a championship game, the father reached out to move one of his
knights.
"Don't move the horse," the boy said. His father looked at
him...thought it over...then decided to make a different move. As a
result, he won the game.
Later he wondered if his son did have some special powers in the
game of chess. So he asked the boy, "Why did you tell me not to move
the horse?"
"He looked tired and needed a rest," the boy said.
--------------------------
From: Nancy Carson
The best thing for you," the doctor said, "is to cut out all
sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking."
"I see," the patient said. "To be honest, I don't deserve the
best. What's second best?"
-----
I'm unable to do the things I used to do," the patient said to
the doctor. "I wish you had some magic way of making me younger."
"You've got it all wrong," the doctor said. "My job is to see
that you get older."
--------------------------
From: Ken Ellis
The phone rang at the fire station.
"Hurry!" said the panicked voice, "we've got a big fire at the store!"
"How do we get there?" the fire fighter demanded.
Shouted the caller, "Use the big red truck!"
--------------------------
From: Ken Ellis
A man lay in the middle of the street flat on his stomach,
wriggling and writhing. Mrs. Gallivan pushed her way through the
crowd gathered round him. "Why doesn't someone help this poor man?"
she exclaimed.
Getting no reply from the crowd, Mrs. Gallivan jumped astride the
man's back, stated she had just finished a course in first aid, and
began to administer artificial respiration.
"I don't know what you're tryin' to do, lady," he grumbled, "but
I'm tryin' to fix a wire down this manhole!"
--------------------------
From: Dave Coble
Frederick R. Kappel, then chairman and C.E.O. of the American Telephone
and Telegraph Co., was conducting its annual shareholders' meeting.
The meeting, a volatile one, was now in its fourth hour. Kappel had
fielded many tough questions, the hour was late, the large audience
ready to go home.
But a woman who's made a specialty of attending corporate annual meetings,
had still another question to ask. She was unhappy with the magnitude
of corporate contributions to good causes.
"Mr. Chairman," she asked, "how much did AT&T give to charity?"
"Ten million dollars last year," Kappel answered.
The woman said mockingly, "I think I'm going to faint."
Kappel said, "That would be very helpful." Laughter and applause from
the audience. Control was back with the speaker. Humor scores again!
----------------------------------------------------
From: Dave Coble
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one
night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod--one that did not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The
hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have
vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know
that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know I
converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was
Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little
town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel
wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
--------------------------
From: Dave Coble
Some people get lost in thought because it's unfamiliar territory to them.
I'm not too sure about the latest ideas for cutting military spending.
It just doesn't seem like a good idea to use coin-operated guns.
The little girl was walking in the garden. She happened to see a
peacock, a bird she had never seen before. After gazing in silent
admiration, she ran into the house and cried out, "Oh, Granny, come
and see. One of your chickens is in bloom!"
The ability to speak distinguishes us from the lower animals. What we
say frequently doesn't.
The sum total of the world's debt is some total.
Children grow up so quickly. One day you look at your car's gas gauge
showing empty and realize they're teenagers.
It happened in a teenage rock-n-roll joint. The waiter dropped a tray
of dishes and six couples got up to dance.
--------------------------
From: David Dearie
A Salesman at CompUSA in Louisiana noticed this man coming in almost
every other week buying a new monitor for his computer. When he
asked the guy what was he doing with all the monitors he told him
his secretary uses them for word processing and after a couple of
weeks it is hard to read the screen with all the Liquid Paper on it.
--------------------------
From: Dave Coble
The baseball season was about over and the team was firmly entrenched
in last place when the manager decided to let a rookie pitcher get a little
major league experience. The rookie, who had more determination than
skill, was in deep trouble before long. Finally the manager walked out
to the mound and said, "Son, I think you have had enough for today."
"But I struck out this guy the last time he was up," the young hurler
protested violently.
"I know," snapped the manager as he waved another pitcher in from the
bullpen, "but that was earlier this inning.
--------------------------
From: Dave Coble
Pity the poor pastor who was delivering his sermon when a gentlemen in
the back pew turned his head to one side, put his hand to his ear, and
said, "Louder." The preacher raised his voice somewhat and continued
with his sermon, which was not too interesting. After a few minutes the man
said again, "Louder!" The preacher strained even more and continued on,
but by now the sermon had become quite boring. The man said again,
"Louder!" At this point a man on the front row couldn't stand it any longer
and yelled back to the man in the rear. "What's the matter, can't you
hear?"
"No," said the man in the back.
"Well," said the man down front, "move over, I'm coming back to join
you."
--------------------------
From: Dave Coble
You're a real hacker if:
It takes more than 1 minute to climb over the books, manuals, old
printouts, computer mags, and old dead hardware to get to your computer.
-------
The pastor was in the hospital for three weeks. For a while it looked
quite serious. The Chairman of his Church Board tried to cheer him up.
"Preacher," he said reassuringly, "we don't want you to worry about a
thing. Last night at our board meeting, we voted 10-9 to pray for your
recovery."
--------------------------
From: Ken Ellis
Passing an office building late one night, the moron saw a sign that said,
"Press bell for night watchman." He did so, and after several minutes he
heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to
unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally
made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled at the moron, "what do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it yourself."
--------------------------
From: Dave Coble
The bookie slowly counted out the money into the old lady's wrinkled hands.
"Lady," he said, "I just don't understand. However did you manage to
pick the winner?"
The old lady patted her white locks in place. She looked a little
bewildered.
"Really," she said, "I don't know myself. I just stick a pin in the
paper and, well, there it is."
The bookie took a deep breath. "That's all very well, lady," he cried.
"But how on earth did you manage to pick four winners yesterday afternoon?"
"Oh," replied the old lady, "that was easy. I used a fork."
-------
Vultures only fly with carrion luggage ....
--------------------------
From: J.c. Brotherhood
Did you hear about the Teamster who was so stupid the other
teamsters noticed?
Why is the teamster mascot a horse?
They are the only other animals who can sleep standing up.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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