From cate3@netcom.com Tue May 23 09:33:34 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life D.S
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 27 May 94 12:21:34 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life D.S
The following are selections from the GIGGLES Digest
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----------------------------------------------------
From: Rick Miessau [rick.miessau@SFWMD.GOV]
Would you believe CNN found an intersection in N.J. called:
Harding Way / Kerrigon St. they've been there for over 20 years!
--------------------------
From: Sandra Ritz [sritz@UHUNIX.UHCC.HAWAII.EDU]
If you're working in the U.S. health care system, you'll get this:
A managed care consultant dies and finds himself at heaven's gate.
He can't believe he is in heaven and is sure there has been a mistake.
He asks St. Peter to check the records.
St. Peter looks at his papers & says, "Yep, you're supposed to be here."
The managed care consultant asks, "Are you sure? To heaven? Not hell?"
"Yes," says St. Peter. "To heaven."
"Well," says the managed care consultant, "Better check the papers again."
St. Peter rustles through his papers again, points, and says,
"See, it says right here -- you're scheduled for heaven.
You're authorized for three days".
--------------------------
From: Kim Ruthberg [RUTH5060@SPLAVA.CC.PLATTSBURGH.EDU]
How does Clinton keep warm in the White House?
He avoids the draft!
--------------------------
From: Chris Brown Witt [wittchri@STUDENT.MSU.EDU]
What do you get when you cross an honest lawyer
with an honest politician?
Answer: It's a rhetorical question; first you'd have to HAVE an honest
politician and an honest lawyer...
--------------------------
From: Drewpy [AXPER@ASUVM.INRE.ASU.EDU]
"Life is but a stage...and we are but players..."
-Shakespeare
"Unfortunately, I'm an understudy"
- Me
--------------------------
From: Brad Pardee [bradp@UNLLIB.UNL.EDU]
There once was a woman who thought she could change the color of her hair
by losing weight. She got this idea when she was talking to a friend,
saying, "I'm tired of being a blonde. I want to be a brunette."
Apparently, she was confused when her friend replied, "Dye it."
--------------------------
From: J. Harbron N1EPONWP@IBMMAIL.COM
Another headstone paid by the creditors of the deceased--
"Owen Moore has gone away"
"Owin' more than he could pay!"
--------------------------
From: Ole Olson [GEO1@PSUADMIN.BITNET]
why do crooked bankers flee to Canada?
that's the only place they have Toronto
--------------------------
From: [KDC9622@ZEUS.TAMU.EDU]
"Inspector! Is there a seven foot Duck stalking the roofs of Gotham? And if
there is, is he on the police payroll? And if so, what's he pullin' down...
after taxes?"
--------------------------
From: [KDC9622@ZEUS.TAMU.EDU]
TODDLERS CREED: if you have ever worked with toddlers, you should relate
to this :)
If I want it, its mine.
If I give it to you and change my mind later, its mine.
If I can take it away from you, its mine.
If I had it a little while ago, its mine.
If it is mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it just looks like mine, its mine.
--------------------------
From: Mike Conners [conn0060@MAROON.TC.UMN.EDU]
Subj: Bring your daughter to work day...
Yesterday, I found out about where my sister's best friend went for
BYDTWD(?). Her mom let her stay home, because she's unemployed....
--------------------------
From: Paulien Herder [Herder@INTERDUCT.TUDELFT.NL]
An old Tommy Cooper joke.....
A man bought at an auction for what he thought a reasonable price
a 'Stradivarius" and a "Rembrandt". He was very happy with it, since
the price he paid was low, for objects of such famous people.
He decided to go to some one who was specialized in guessing the value
of art objects (sorry, not familiar with the english word for it) and he
said:
" Well sir, indeed it's a "Stradivarius" and a "Rembrandt" , but it's only
a pity that Stradivarius couldn't paint and Rembrandt couldn't build
violins.."
--------------------------
From: Michael Lindell [michael@ELSEWARE.COM]
Q. Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A. To tax the chicken.
--------------------------
From: Chris Willis [cwillis@BFC.COM]
This was in P.J. O'Rourke's article on Whitewater in this month's
Rolling Stone:
The Politician was campaigning through the South and
stopped at one cabin.
"My, you have a fine family - eighteen boys!" he told the man
in the cabin. "All good Democrats, I suppose?"
"Well," the man said, "I tried to bring 'em up right, and
they're all good Christians, and all but Sam is Democrats - the ornery
cuss, he got to readin'."
--------------------------
From: Richard Holtzman [HOLTZMAN@OSHKOSHW.BITNET]
Some years ago, psychology students at Cornell University got a little bored
with the lecture approach to learning and decided to conduct their own
experiment. They conspired to modify the professor's behavior as follows.
Each time he moved toward the door they would stop eye contact and look
bored. When he moved toward the window they perked up and listened
attentively. Very soon the poor professor was spending the entire hour
sitting on the window ledge pressing himself back against the pane, very
pleased with the quality of his lectures.
--------------------------
From: Carl Adler [PHADLER@ECUVM1.BITNET]
Before anyone flames me I would point out that I am quoting NPR (Natioal
Public Radio) which in turn was quoting Pope John Paul II. The Popes
favorite joke: "there are two solutions to the problem in Eastern
Europe, the practical solution and the miraculous solution. The
practical solution is that the Virgin Mary and the Archangels Gabriel
and Michael would come down and set things straight. That is the
practical solution. The miraculous solution is the Eastern European's
would learn to compromise."
--------------------------
From: Robert Duncan [robert.duncan@USASK.CA]
Here is the story:
A man is walking with his dog on a road by a wide river when he sees a
monastery. Suddenly he trips a breaks his leg. A monk sees him
and comes out and gets him. He brings him into the monastery and
puts him in a room above the gate with only one door and no
windows, since only monks are allowed
into the monastery proper. He binds the man's leg and says he'll
take him to a hospital in the morning. "Is there anything I can
get?" the monk asks. "Yes," the man says, "an apple and a
string." "An apple and a piece of string? Why?" "Weeell," the man
says, "I can't tell you: It's a secret". "Suit yourself" the
monk says and gets the apple and a piece of string.
The next morning the monk comes to get the man, the man
is gone.
A year later the same man is riding his bike with his dog on his
leash. Suddenly a rabbit runs across the road and the dog chases
it, pulling the bike over and breaking the man's leg. The monk
sees this and ......
Well it goes on the same way. The man always wants an apple and a
string, but never says why and always uses them to disappear. You
are to tell many versions, but wth this same plot. You can make
them as fantastic as you want: the man is riding a sub. under the
river, or a space ship. The monk disguises himself as a SS
soldier to torture the man, etc. etc. When I heard this told, the
teller went on for about 2 hours.
Finally you come to the last element.
Many years later, this man is walking down
the road past the monastery with his dog. This time he actually
makes it past the monastery without tripping or anything. But
then he hears the monk calling for him as he runs out of the
monastery with a hammer in his hand. "You don't think you're
getting away this easy this year do you buddy?" the monk asks. He
catches up with the man, breaks his leg with the hammer and takes
him back to the manastery. The man asks for his apple and string
as usual. "Why! WHY DO YOU WANT THEM?" the monk shouts. "It's a
secret!" the man says. "I'M A MONK, DAMMIT, I'M SUPPOSED TO KEEP
SECRETS, THAT'S MY JOB." "Oh, yeah," the man says. So he tells him.
At this point your [soon-to-be-ex] friends ask, "so what did he
say?"
"I don't know," you respond, "he's a monk, he never told
anybody."
Told you it was a shaggy dog story. It might be good if your on a
long car ride with some friends, though I'd recomend you tell it
on the return part of the trip so you don't get left on the side
of the road somewhere far away from home.
--------------------------
From: Jay Yew [jayyew@CSC.ALBANY.EDU]
I don't remember where I heard this...
A man goes up to an ATM machine. After entering his PIN, another
man comes up behind him and tells him to withdraw $500. The man
says that he doesn't have any money and was just checking his
account balance. He shows the robber by checking his account balance.
Sure enough, the ATM shows that there is no money. The robber curses
and flees.
The man then reaches into his vest pocket and withdraws an
envelope filled with cash and deposits it.
--------------------------
From: SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET
Farmers are upset because animal rights activists are trying to outlaw those
huge, round bails of hay. They claim the cows aren't getting a square meal.
--------------------------
From: Alar Pardla [alar@EL.EE]
Subj: some jokes from Estonia
-----
Client in a lowsy restourant "How more time it will take!!! Soon I
will die from hunger"
"Not in this restourant You don't! We close up at 11pm!"
-----
Old gentleman is walking in the evening in the park and sees a small
boy. The boy is looking at the sky that is a bit red in one edge.
Old man says: "Oh, I see, You can appriciate the beauty of the nature.
Do You look at sun setting every evening?"
"What do You mean - sun setting?" replies the kid, "It's our school
that is burning there!"
--------------------------
From: Paul Marquardt [MARPAUB@YALEVM.CIS.YALE.EDU]
Does anybody else have any true stories of drivers' ed? Three favorites of
mine:
Three high school students in suburban Detroit are out doing street driving
practice when the instructor falls asleep. They decide to see how far they
can get. The instructor did wake up...as they were approaching Mackinac
(about 300 miles north)!
A Detroit high school, trying to keep things a little safer, did away with
street practice altogether and built a go kart-style course next door for
driving practice with real cars. Great idea--except that they lined up the
practice hill with the school, a student panicked and hit the gas instead
of the brakes, and the car wound up plowing into the wall of the principal's
office.
Finally, someone in my driver's ed. class actually made it as far as the
road test--but not much farther. Seems he got into the car with the examiner,
put it in reverse, and hit another car in the parking lot of the Secretary of
State's office.
--------------------------
From: ANGELINE SANDERS [BO10@UTMARTN.BITNET]
A HANDY TELEPHONE TIP:
Keep a small chalkboard near your phone. That way, when a salesman
calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails acro
ss it until he hangs up.
--------------------------
From: Dave Michmerhuizen [dave.michmerhuizen@ETAK.COM]
(this joke illustrates the oft-overlooked fact that knowledge has
economic value)
A man wakes up one winter morning to a cold house. His furnace is
out of order. Nothing the man does has any affect on the furnace -- it
just won't work. So he calls in a furnace repairman and they go to
the basement to have a look at it.
The repairman circles the furnace once or twice and then gives it a
sharp kick. The furnace comes on and works flawlessly! The repairman
scribbles on a pad and hands the man a bill that reads..
"furnace repair: $100."
The man says, "but you hardly did anything! I want an itemized bill!" So
the repairman scribbles some more and presents the man with a second
bill that reads..
"furnace repair: "
" kicking furnace -- $5"
" knowing where to kick -- $95"
--------------------------
From: Tia Heath [tia.heath@SFWMD.GOV]
In the highest parts of the Smoky Mountains, Rangers
there noticed the pines were dying. Something had to be
done.
So they called in experts of every kind to prevent
this ecological disaster. No one could find an answer to
cause or cure the dying pines.
A psychic/healer, after reading about the pines in the
newspaper, decided he would come and help.
As rangers and reporters stood by to witness, the
psychic brought a dime from his pocket and laid it in
his open palm. As they looked on, his brow furrowed and
beads of perspiration stood out on his forehead. To
everyones amazement, the dime started twitching in his
palm as if it had a life of it's own!
As the twitching increased to a frenzied dance, the
pines straightened their drooping boughs, and became
greener and healthier than before!
The reporters rushed off to send in their stories.
The headlines the next day read:
"A Twitchin' Dime Saves Pine"
--------------------------
From: "Paul. Francis. Hanson." [P.F.Hanson@COMPUTER-CENTRE.HULL.AC.UK]
I was told this a long time ago and I'm afraid I'm not even sure if
it's true but.....
Apparently if you take a catholic to a police station in England you
can still claim a reward of half a crown (old money).
This dates back to when being a catholic in England was considered
naughty.
--------------------------
From: Marianne Cushman [clamxc@TEC.NH.US]
A Vermonter will tell you:
That neighbors can be good friends, but it won't pay to be too neighborly.
That travel may broaden a man's horizon but staying home and taking
care of the farm puts more in his pocket.
That independence is better that riches.
That you can't always judge a cow by her looks.
That it is better to wear out than rust out.
That Californians like to brag about their weather, but they
never have a chance to really appreciate beautiful days the
way we do in Vermont - when occasionally we get one.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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