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Subject: Life D.N
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Status: R
---------------------------------------
Date: 20 May 94 10:57:46 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life D.N
The following selections are from a mailing list run by:
Mark D Baushke [mdb@cisco.com]
Submissions go to: mdb-humor@cisco.com
For List additions/deletions to: mdb-humor-request@cisco.com
----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: rec.aviation
Heard this one from a CFI at a recent bull-session about funny
aviation things that had happened to pilots. Text in quotes is converstation
within the aircraft; without quotes is radio transmission.
This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross
traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle
of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.
(long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for
immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the
runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence,
departing deer.
It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.
--------------------------
From: Jeff Allen [jeff@osiris.ac.hmc.edu]
At a theater where Mr. Nanny and Demolition Man were playing as a
double feature, the tiny letterboard above the entrance to that
particular theater (out of 12 in the place) said:
NANNY DEMOLITION
Poor nannies... :)
--------------------------
From: APUCORLE @ IDBSU.BITNET (Phil Corless) @ UGATE
Subj: Pet Theory
With a dog, you feed him, you give him plenty of affection, you
take him for walks and he thinks, "Wow, this guy must be a god."
With a cat, however, you feed him, you love him, you care for
him and he thinks, "Wow, I must be a god."
--------------------------
From: rolland@palres.dnet.sandoz.com
Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to
college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think
seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to
college.)
College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand
hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over
four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
*Things you will need to know in later life (two hours).
These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper
stains out of your pajamas.
*Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).
These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy,
-istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write
them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them,
you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.
It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college,
I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets
other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still
remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw.
Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife
told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw
just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste
of brain cells. After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed
to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the
most things about.
Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does
not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. This means you must *not* major in
mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve
actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to
wander into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine
integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result
to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly* the answer
the professor has in mind, you fail.
The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and
hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to
come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on.
Scientists are extremely snotty about this. So you should major in subjects
like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody
really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve
virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll
give you a quick overview of each:
ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little
snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your
English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common
sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody
with any common sense would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the
characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand
times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of
Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never
liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can
regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should
major in English.
PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no
such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy
if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are
*obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a
rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to
do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor.
If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should
major in psychology.
SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the
number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and
read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent
statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so
they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into
scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to
learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that
children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological
observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates
indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and
lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty
or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.
--------------------------
From: ddern@world.std.com (Daniel P Dern)
Semi-Poetic Justic: We've Grepped A Little List
by Daniel P. Dern [ddern@world.std.com]
To the tune of "I've Got a Little List" from THE MIKADO by Gilbert
& Sullivan (give or take a little forcing on the scansion)
Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel P. Dern. May be freely reposted to mailing
lists, Usenet Newsgroups, Gopher/WWW/etc. and other free-for-access
online fora providing this notice is intact; all other interested
parties please contact author. (Archived at internet.com gopher
somewhere in the "Dern" area along with other motley stuff. If I get
a chance I'll add a version with 'scan marks' to help it be sung.)
Other pointers:
o To follow the continuing saga of events referenced herein and their
like, start with news.admin.* and alt.current-event.net-abuse
o Gilbert & Sullivan fans can join the "SavoyNet" mailing list by
sending e-mail to SavoyNet-Request@cescc.bridgewater.edu (A thank-you
goes out to Walt Howe [walthowe@delphi.com] for the pointer on this!)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pronunciation notes for newcomers -- In names of things:
"." is pronounced as "dot", e.g., .sig = "dot sig" (with the possible
exception of "MAKE.MONEY.FAST" where the .s are done as pauses)
"*" is pronounced "star", e.g., news.admin.* = news dot admin dot star
(except in names where it's used to blank out the vowels)
"/" is pronounced "slash" e.g., /pub = "slash pub"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
As some day it may happen that a user must be flamed
We've grepped a little list -- we've kept a little list.
Of netiquette offenders who have shown they're not ashamed,
And never would be missed -- who never would be missed!
There's the pestilential lawyers who carpet-bomb and spam --
Flooding sites with endless copies and then boast "How smart I am" --
And claim "It's not illegal so it must surely be OK" --
And cannot take a hint that we just wish they'd go away --
And haven't figured out that there's net.wizards getting pissed --
If they don't cease and desist, well, they'd neither one be
missed!
CHORUS:
We've got them on our list -- and you can bet we're mighty pissed;
If they don't cease and desist -- well, they'll none of them be missed.
There's the users who discover and revive those hoary ghosts,
We add them to our lists -- we've got THEM on our lists!
Like David Rhodes' MAKE.MONEY.FAST, and "Global Warning" posts,
They never would be missed -- They never would be missed!
Then the newcomers who lambast in effusive ASCII tone,
All services but theirs and every network but their own;
And the newbie from the BBS who think's netiquette's for squares,
And "doesn't like Usenet conventions and thinks we should switch to
theirs";
And those posting via "anonymous" as acts of cowardice --
I don't think they'd be missed -- I'm SURE they'd not be missed!
CHORUS:
We've got them on our list -- and you can bet we're mighty pissed;
If they don't cease and desist -- well, they'll none of them be missed.
And when you find a user who clearly doesn't have a clue,
Tell them "Read the F-A-Qs! -- they'll tell you what to do!"
They're regularly reposted in the news.answers group --
news.announce.newusers, too -- they're waiting there for you. (1)
Or anonymous-FTP to rtfm.mit.edu --
And _cd_ to /pub/answers -- They're archived here for you -- (2)
Failing that, email to mail-server@rtfm.mit.edu --
Just put "help" in the message and you'll learn what you
can do --
Or read books like Dern's, Howe's, Kehoe's, Gilster's, Fisher's,
and Levine's to name a few -- (3)
We wrote 'em just for you -- go out and buy a few!
CHORUS:
So if you find a newbie who -- clearly hasn't got a clue
What you ought to do -- is help them get the FAQ.
And when it seems the only option left is: retaliate --
Here's what you ought to do -- here's what we ask you do.
Start with peaceful resolution before you escalate --
It's worth a try or two -- you'd want it done for you. (4)
Email them once or twice, then contact their sysadmin;
Try postmaster@site.domain (or phone your complaint in).
If that don't work, trot out KILL files, mail filters and cancel
'bots;
Alert news.admin.* and their provider, do retro-mod -- unleash
the lot!
But don't 'sendsy bomb' the site or hack into their machine --
You'll hurt innocent bystanders -- which most agree is mean. (5)
CHORUS:
We've got them on our list -- and you can bet we're mighty pissed --
If they don't cease and desist -- well, they'll none of them be missed!
And that S**d*r A**g*c nuisance whose auto-'bot is rather rife,
And the bulk mail marketists -- We've got _them_ on the list!
All trollers, baiters, forgers, spammers, 'phobes and "get-a-life's" --
They never would be missed -- they'd none of them be missed.
And cross-posters whose follow-up: and to: lists fill the screen,
Such as "what'dye call 'em" and "foo at bar" and likewise -- y'know
who I mean --
And "dot dot dot" and "Oh _that_ domain" and likewise you know who --
But the task of filling up the blanks I'd rather share with YOU.
For it really DOES matter who we put upon the list,
For we'd like them to be missed else the 'net won't long exist!.
CHORUS:
We've got them on our list -- and you can bet we're mighty pissed --
If they don't cease and desist -- well, they'll NONE of them be missed!
Note:
(1) To help this line scan, don't pronounced the "."s
(2) According to the message at rtfm.mit.edu as of May 16, 1994,
other *.answers archive sites include:
North America: ftp.uu.net in /usenet/news.answers
Europe: ftp.uni-paderborn.de in /pub/FAQ
ftp.Germany.EU.net in /pub/newsarchive/news.answers
grasp1.univ-lyon1.fr in /pub/faq
ftp.win.tue.nl in /pub/usenet/news.answers
Asia: nctuccca.edu.tw in /USENET/FAQ
Also check your Gopher and WWW listings!
(3) Not to mention LaQuey, Stoll, Fraase, Krol and more on the way!
(see Kevin Savetz' bibliography in alt.internet.services)
(4) Among other things, bear in mind that some of the annoying posts are
forged, or done at unattended logged-in terminals. Not all, tho.
(5) And possibly actionable -- a pretty how-de-do indeed.
/dpd
Daniel Dern (ddern@world.std.com) Internet analyst, technology/business writer
Author, The Internet Guide For New Users (McGraw-Hill, 1993) -- For info and
*FREE* Internet Learner's Permit, see 'Dern' area of Internet.Com gopher!
(617) 969-7947 Fax:(617) 969-7949 Snail: PO Box 309 Newton Centre, MA 02159
"The second hardest working author in Internet show business"
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
Back to my Life Humor Page
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