From cate3@netcom.com Thu Apr 27 11:31:22 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life D.L
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 12 May 94 15:18:03 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life D.L
The following are from a humor mailing list run by:
ckleinja@novell.com (Connie Kleinjans)
----------------------------------------------------
From: dbs@owlnet.rice.edu
From: Eric Edward Hewett [hewett@owlnet.rice.edu]
From: gezelter@magnesium.cchem.berkeley.edu (Dan Gezelter)
Subj: Re: Indignities done to Professor and Mary Ann (was: Re: Important..
]As if it weren't bad enough that The Professor never got a real name.
]But let's face it, neither did the Skipper.
]I haven't seen a lot of Gilligan's Island, but it seems that the Skipper
]and the Professor having technical names instead of personal ones means
]that artificial hierarchies based on ability (although I'm not sure the
]Skipper was that competent) lead to the relegation of individuals to
]impersonal positions, whereas the movie star and the rich people had names
](even though the Howls (sp) only had genus names, not personal ones)
]and the dispossessed millionaire (Mr. Howl) still commanded a great deal
]of respect and freedom from work despite the fact that he no longer held
]all the capital. I guess this means that monopolies of non-essential
]skills, such as beauty and the possession of capital, are natural
]hierarchies, even though the character of the Howls was collective, and
]not inherently alienating. Still, there's some hope for us all in the
]fact that Gilligan and the Skipper seemed to get along so well even though
]the Skipper kind of bossed poor Gilligan around and bullied him. Seems
]like Mary Anne was the only proletariat in the bunch. Maybe she should
]have taken over the island and given everybody technical titles.
]Oh, well it doesn't make any sense anyhow.
No No No. You've got it all wrong. Gilligan's Island was a MORALITY
PLAY in which each of the characters symbolized one of the seven
deadly sins or cardinal virtues, depending on the episode:
Character Deadly Sin Cardinal Virtue
--------- ---------- ---------------
Gilligan Sloth Courage
The Skipper Gluttony Justice
Ginger Lust Hope
The Professor Pride Wisdom
Mr. Howell Avarice Temperance
Mrs. Howell Jealousy Charity
Mary Anne Anger Faith
Each episode dealt with one of the characters coming to terms with his
or her specific sin and virtue. Of course, I still can't analyze the
episode with the monkey and the plastic explosives in these terms, but
you must admit that this interpretation has a certain feeling of
"rightness" about it. That the women each symbolize one of the
Christian theological virtues while the men symbolize the Platonic
cardinal virtues is a subltlety that should not be left unmentioned.
Surely the show was a work of genius.
From the Uncharted Desert Isle,
--Dan
--------------------------
From: "Marc Kenig" [marc_kenig@blyth.com]
This is a follow-up to the MilSpecs item from a couple of weeks ago:
Reply to: RE]HUMOR: How MilSpecs live fo
Reminds me of my other favorite:
Why are computer terminals 80 characters high by 24 characters wide?
(Or 132 characters wide sometimes).
Well you might ask:
Computer screens are 80 characters wide because standard punched cards
(old IBM form 5081) accepted 80 punched columns across. Why you might
ask? Because thats how big 19th century tabulating machine cards were.
Andthat's how many holes Herman Holerith could punch in the card before
it fell apart. For the 1890 census, yes.
But why didn't Herman use a bigger card? Because tabulating machine
cards were the same size as a dollar bill of the late 19th century.
Why you may ask? Because they needed to stack the computer cards
someplace before they were processed. Bingo! Banks had lots of wooden
boxes for stacking bills, and IBM used them.
Why were bills that size in the late 19th century......And on and on.
The 24 rows is trickier. It has to do with how expensive computer
memory was in the 1970's. You see, 24 times 80 is 1920. That means
that a 2K memory (a big deal less than 20 years ago) was needed to
remember what characters were where on the screen. Now, you might
point out that 25 times 80 is less than 2K. You're right, but in order
for the terminal to scroll, you have to be able to store one extra,
unviewed line of text.
--------------------------
From: schroeder@INS.COM (Scott Schroeder)
Various Emo Phillips-isms from Don Geddis at Stanford, via World Wide Web.
-Scott
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
-- Emo Phillips
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
-- Emo Phillips
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their
careers...damn anthropologists. -- Emo Phillips
--------------------------
From: Scott Johnson [srj@cisco.com]
Subject: Unbelievable true story
Keystone Robbers
----------------
This is a true story, and is happening as we speak; the names have been
changed to protect the innocent and stupid, who are not the same people...
Seems that a friend's brother had his car stolen a few weeks ago, from in
front of their house. Turns out the thief lives a few miles away near the
friend's cousin's house. His cousin was walking to work this morning,
spotted the car in the thief's driveway, and called the cops.
The car was recovered, in better shape than when it was stolen ... it had
a new set of tires, and some work done on the engine !! The thief also
left a big box of keys and burglary tools in the car, which the cops
recovered, as well as a set of fingerprints from the car.
So I guess the moral of the story is to at least put stolen cars in the
garage...
--------------------------
From: hjerney@hudsonbay.SJF.novell.com (Helena Jerney)
------- Forwarded Message
Subject: Subject: Cat Seeks Job: Resume Included - rec.pets.cats #44429
In article [hattieCoux9p.JK8@netcom.com], hattie@netcom.com (Susan Hattie
Steinsapir) writes:
Ernie, Esq.
Main St., Alley #3,
Sacramento, CA 95816
Tel: (916) 448-8888
Fax: (916) 448-9999
ernie.cat@netcom.com
Career Goal
Long term position as HOUSECAT.
Qualifications
* Omnivorous. Strong rodent-control capabilities.
* Excellent nonverbal communication skills. Highly trained purring.
* Affectionate. Adaptable. Rare feline willingness to follow
established guidelines.
* Proven stud potential.
Experience
BARNCAT Westchester Estates, New York. March 1988-May 1990
* Ensured day-to-day rodent control for two story, 35,000 sq.
foot barn.
* Consumed over five rodents per day (average).
* Achieved 37% reduction in barn swallow population.
* Awarded feline leukemia inoculation after one month of service.
* Earned in-house privileges for outstanding service and
behavior after only two months on the job!
ALLEYCAT Wilshire Boulevard, Los Angeles, California. November
1986-February 1988
* Successfully maintained territorial boundaries of four square
block area in notoriously competitive and dangerous location.
* Developed proficiency in urban survival, hunting, and
scavenging skills.
* Honored by co-cats for consistent expertise in maneuvering
safely and adroitly through heavy traffic of skateboards,
cars, and rollerskates.
* Known sire of 77 litters in a nine month period.
Education
Certificate: Feline Deportment, February, 1987.
* Tom & Jerry, Associates, Hollywood, California. 1 year
intensive study with Tom of famed "Tom & Jerry" partnership.
High honors.
References available on request.
--------------------------
F 11 000 4 000 Department of the Treasury - 11 999 999 3333
O 111 0 0 44 0 0 Internal Revenue Service 111 9 9 9 9 3
R 1 0 0 44444 0 0 U U SSS 1 9999 9999 333
M 1 0 0 4 0 0 U U SSS Individual Income 1 9 9 3
11111 000 4 000 UUU SSS Tax Return 11111 999 999 3333
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the year January 1 - December 31, 1993 or whenever you get around to it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
please| FULL NAME | LAST NAME | SECOND TO LAST INITIAL | Starch | []cuffs
print,| | | | []yes []no | []nocuffs
type |-------------------------------------------------------------------------
or use| Present address of addressee (must be filled out by addressor or legal
hiero-| guardian of aforementioned (unless greater than line B above))
glyph-|
ics |-------------------------------------------------------------------------
(no | City, Town, Post Office, Shoe Size | Address greater than line 41? []yes
Latin)| | If yes, why? ________________ []no
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Height | Weight | Sex []yes | Occu- Yours _________ | Social Security Number
| | []no | pation Spouse _________ | Yours _|_|_ Spouse _|_|_
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
] Do you wish to designate []yes | Isn't | NOTE: if you
Presidential ]] $3 of your taxes to this []no | this a | checked yes
Election ]]] worthy cause? []maybe | dumb law? | we will come
Campaign ]] What about the little lady? []metoo | []yes | and steal all
] The kids, dog, cat, fish? []woof | []no | your hubcaps.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Requested ] A. How many talking chickens do you own? | D yes? []no
by ]] B. Names _______________________________ | E no? []yes
the ]]] C. Do any of them play the oboe? []yes []no | F maybe? []perhaps
Department ]]]]----------------------------------------------------------------
of ]]] Do you live within 2 miles | Have you rotated | If no file IRS
Agriculture ]] of a decent pizza place? | your tires lately? | tire rotation
] []yes []no []extra cheese | []yes []no []flat | Schedule L
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Filing 1 [] Single 2 [] Double 3 [] Triple 4 [] Sacrifice Fly | for IRS use
Status 5 [] Married Filing Singly Joint return | O | | X
(even if spouse is married separately) | ---|---|---
6 [] Joint married singly separate spouse | | X |
(but filing double jointed) | ---|---|---
7 [] Head of Household filing separate but joint return | X | O | O
(if unmarried but jointly single) |-------------
8 [] Head of joint filing single file spouses separately
9 [] Widow(er) with separate dependent filing out of joint return singly
10 [] Deceased filing posthumous return
(attach notarized Death Schedule D, signed by deceased)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Exem- 41 a regular? | Enter number of
ptions b [] yourself [] 65 or over [] blind [] dead | boxes checked ] ___
[] spouse [] 65 or over [] blind [] dead |
c Names of Dependent children who lived with | Check number of
You you __________________ Why? _______________ | boxes entered ] ___
are d Just first names dummy. |
here 4 Do you weigh more than last year's tax form? | Enter number of
| e Number of parakeets subtracted from Gross | checkered boxes ___
| Rotated Income (plus line 27 - unless greater |
\|/ than twelve miles) | Do nothing
v f How many inches in a liter? _____ | Here ] ___
* 11 a Total Confusion
(add lines 6e and f,g; fold in eggs, beat until firm) --------] ---
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Income 12 Wages, Salaries, Tips, Extortion. (attach W2 forms to |##| | |
your forehead with heavy duty staplegun) . . . . . . . . |12|_____|_|
13 Remunerations (if less than gross reimbursements then |##| | |
Please file schedule Q (see page 14 of "Joy of Cooking")) . . . |13|_____|_|
attach 14 Gross influx (see 40% of instructions) . . . . . . . . . |14|_____|_|
payment 15 Money you made (if $400 or less, more or less, list |##| | |
(small schedule B without not filling in Part II and R2, but |##| | |
unmarked more than line 8). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |15|_____|_|
bills) 16 What about all that cash you stashed in that jar under |##| | |
here. the garage? (see page 7 of instructions) . . . . . . . . |16|_____|_|
| ---------------------------------------------------------------------
|___ 17 Add lines 12 through 16, multiply by 2, |##| | |
this is your total income. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |17|_____|_|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taxes 18 Enter Grossly adjusted net average income (line 17). . . |18|_____|_|
19 Enter Total deductions (if greater than 0, enter 0). . . |19|_____|_|
20 Subtract line 19 from line 18. Taxable income. . . . . . |20|_____|_|
21 Figure Total Taxes using line 20 . . . . . . . . . . . . |##| | |
[] Tax Table [] Tax Rate Schedule X, Y, or Z [] Guessed. |21|_____|_|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Payment 23 Federal income tax withheld . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |23|_____|_|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amount 25 If line 23 is larger that 21, you made a mistake, |##| | |
You re-figure your taxes. |##| | |
Owe 26 Subtract line 23 from line 21. . . . . . . . . . . . . . |26|_____|_|
27 Add the shirt off your back. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |27|_____|_|
28 Send it in . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |28|_____|_|
29 Pick a number between 1 and 10 . . . . . . . . . . . . . |29|_____|_|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please ] Under penalty of death, I declare that every figure on this return and
Sign ]] accompanying schedules is correct to within 100% plus or minus some.
Here ] Signature ___________________________ date ___________ check here []
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Oppurtunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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