From cate3@netcom.com Thu Apr 20 10:08:01 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life D.J
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 12 May 94 15:02:00 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life D.J
The following stuff was sifted out of eunet.jokes
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From: peter@essex.ac.uk
Subj: A change Letter?
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From: pl@ssf.pt (Pedro Loureiro)
Well, here in Portugal we usually make jokes about the
people from Alentejo (that is the region that extends from the
Tagus - Tejo in Portuguese - to the Algarve). The jokes are about
their stupidity (as all jokes of this kind are) and their
lazyness.
- Two 'Alentejanos' are walking and having a conversation for
quite a while when suddenly one of them stops, stomps something
with his foot and cries "That blasted snail was following us for
2 hours now!".
--------------------------
From: ffs@vega.inesc.pt (Filipe Santos)
Two Alentejanos (the inhabitants of Alentejo) were walking along
a road (the roads of Alentejo are usually straight without any
curves or mountains, since this region is completely plain.),
when they decided to rest for a while. One of them suggested they
should lay under a tree at the side of the road, but the most
clever of them insisted on laying right there in the middle of
the road, saying it was the safest place to lay. The other one
doubted but agreed to lay there. They're lying there when
another Alentejo, driving his van approached rapidly . seeing the
two men lying on the road in front of him, he pressed the brake
violently, making the van slide and crash into the tree. Says the
clever aAlentejano to his mate: "Didn't I tell you it was safer
here. If we were under the tree we were dead by now."
--------------------------
From: purban@email.tuwien.ac.at (Peter URBAN)
At a fine restaurant:
When paying the bill the guest astonished looks at the bill,
then he tells the waiter:
"You have to correct the bill. 6 $ for the omelette, that's all
right. But you have to write omelette with two T".
"Pardon, Sir". The waiter tells. "I'll correct it immidiately".
When reading the corrected bill, the guest starts laughing
loudly. The reason:
The corrected bill runs:
"One omelete with two tea ..................$ 6"
------
"Hey, you're half an hour too soon at work. Tell me, what's the
reason", the departmental manager asks Tom.
"Well my car's just in repair. So I had to walk!"
------
The French chansonette Yvette Guilbert (1866-1944) wasn't a
beauty either. But this fact didn't scare her anyhow. Somehow
she was a little be proud of this fact.
During a social evening she met the British poet Oscar Wilde
(1854-1900). Smiling she told him: " I am the ugliest woman of
France!"
Kissing her hand Wilde, an Irishman by birth, galantly replied:
"Of the world, madam, ...of the world!"
--------------------------
From: kissg@sztaki.hu (Gabor Kiss)
An excited man at the police station:
- Officer! Officer! Somebody dropped this box to my head from the 2nd floor.
- What is in it?
- Nothing.
- I asked what is in the BOX!
--------------------------
From: cczjtw@unicorn.nott.ac.uk (John Whitehorn)
Along the lines of a recent number of postings, what follows is taken from an ICL
manual of a dating back a few years, the OS system was GEORGE III, for all those
who remember (ask someone older, very much older).
extract from GEORGE III Manual:
In general, a WHENEVER COMMAND ERROR command will be obeyed if a command
error is detected in a command that follows it at the same level, though it
will be superseded by a subsequent WHENEVER COMMAND ERROR command at the same
level. A WHENEVER COMMAND ERROR command will also apply to command errors
detected at a lower level, though it will be superseded by a WHENEVER command
that is issued at a lower level. Consider the Example 2/18 on page 33 where
there is a macro SUBSUBJOB issued within the macro SUBJOB. If there is no
WHENEVER COMMAND ERROR command in the macro definition file SUBSUBJOB, the
WHENEVER COMMAND ERROR command in SUBJOB will apply to errors in SUBSUBJOB.
If, however, the macro SUBSUBJOB did contain a WHENEVER COMMAND ERROR command
this would take precedence in the event of errors in SUBSUBJOB. In this case
when the macro SUBSUBJOB was completed, the job would return to the level
above and the level above and the lower level would be erased, thus any
WHENEVER COMMAND ERROR commands within SUBSUBJOB could not affect commands
outside this macro.
I kid you not the above is REAL!
----------------------------------------------------
This was sifted out of eunet.jokes by an anonymous sifter:
--------------------------
From: wegner@zorro.informatik.uni-dortmund.de (ricki R. Wegner)
Two hedgehogs are sitting on the chimney and knitting a motorbike.
A flying submarine passes by.
One hedgehog says to the other: "I don't believe it."
--------------------------
From: byrdenj@logica.co.uk
A man is at the cinema to see the old classic Gone With The Wind
when he notices that there is a large black dog sittingin front of him.
This surprises him a little but not half as much as when the dog starts
laughing at a funny part in the film. Later on during a sad part the dog
begins to cry and generally reacts to all parts of the film.
The guy watching this is fascinated and decides to follow the dog after the
film is over. So as everyone leaves the cinema he stays close to the dog. After
about a quarter of an hour of the dog finally goes into a house, rings on
the doorbell and is let in.
By this stage the guy is totally baffled by all that he has seen and
wanting to find out what the story is rings the doorbell of the house the dog
has just entered. A man answers the door.
"Do you have a large black dog here?" asks our hero.
"Yes", came the reply
"Well I've just seen him down the cinema watching Gone With The Wind and he was
laughing, crying and really getting into the film"
"Hmmm that's very surprising...", said the dog's owner "...he hated the book".
--------------------------
From: stevewi@lsl.co.uk
Q. Why do milking stools only have three legs ???
A. Because the cows have the udders.
--------------------------
From: duncan@yc.estec.esa.nl (Duncan Gibson)
One day a rich accountant, a poor accountant and a leprechaun were
walking down the road when they saw a 100 pound note lying on the
pavement.
Question: which one of them picked it up?
Answer: The rich accountant of course. Poor accountants and leprechauns
are figments of your imagination!
--------------------------
From: wegner@zorro.informatik.uni-dortmund.de (ricki R. Wegner)
Some little kids from different countries discuss the question where
little kids come from. The German kid: The stork brings them; the
Italian kid: They come out of the cabbages; the French kid: Well I must
not tell you exactly, but it has something to do with man and woman and
bedroom. Then they ask the Swiss kid, it ponders for a while and says:
Well, in our country, this is handled differently in the different
Kantons [states].
----------------------------------------------------
The following were sifted out of eunet.jokes by:
Thompson Sara L. R.:Wbst205ul
--------------------------
From: wegner@zorro.informatik.uni-dortmund.de (ricki R. Wegner)
ObJoke1:
- Why are there so many squirrels on university campusses?
- They find all kinds of nuts there.
----------------------------------------------------
The following were sifted out of eunet.jokes by:
Bob Cherry
--------------------------
From: holman@katk.Helsinki.FI (HOLMAN EUGENE)
Subj: Dracula (joke with a punchline in Yiddish)
One night a man is sitting at his organ in the music room of a
large, dank castle in Transylvania playing, a Bach fugue.
Suddenly, the door starts to open, slowly, creakingly. A dark
figure, dressed in black, with his cape covering his face enters the room
stealthily. The man playing the organ nonchalantly reaches into his shirt
pocket, pulls out a silver crucifix, and holds it high.
"Nikhts kon dir helfen, bubele," says the vampire.
EXPLANATION: Everybody knows that the normal way to fend off an incipient
vampire attack is to hold up a crucifix. This assumes, of course, that
the vampire is a Christian. "Nikhts kon dir helfen, bubele" is YIDDISH for "
Nothing can help you, bub." Our friend had the bad luck to be attacked by a
Jewish vampire...
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of eunet.jokes by:
dani@netcom.com (Dani Zweig)
--------------------------
From: d88-rjo@dront.nada.kth.se (Rickard Jonsson)
Subj: Paradigm joke
- "Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"
- "No..."
- "Inheritance."
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of eunet.jokes by:
krisna@cs.wisc.edu (Krishna Kunchithapadam)
--------------------------
From: bobrowski@uke.uni-hamburg.de (Christoph Bobrowski)
When a diplomat says YES, he means PERHAPS;
When a diplomat says PERHAPS, he means NO;
When a diplomat says NO, he isn't a diplomat.
--------------------------
From: rehberge@tnds05.tele.nokia.fi (Markku Rehberger)
Subject: Re: Carrots
Q: Three Finnish presidential candidates, Mr. Ahtisaari,
Mr. Vayrynen and Mr. Ilaskivi were sitting in the same
aeroplane. The aeroplane crashed down. Who survived?
A: The Finnish people.
[cate3: I want to know why the subject was carrots.]
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of eunet.jokes by:
briang@netcom.com (Brian Gordon)
--------------------------
From: jim.conrad@his.com (Jim Conrad)
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with
that?"
--------------------------
A lecturer tells some students to learn the phone-book by heart.
The mathematicians are baffled: `By heart? You kidding?'
The physics-students ask: `Why?'
The engineers sigh: `Do we have to?'
The chemistry-students ask: `Till next Monday?'
The accounting-students (scribbling): `Till tomorrow?'
The laws-students answer: `We already have.'
The medicine-students ask: `Should we start on the Yellow Pages?'
--------------------------
From: pkt@rz.uni-jena.de (Thomas Koehler)
Ivan Ivanovich, great russian Scientific does an experiment. He wants
to know how fast a thermometer falls down. He takes a thermometer and
a light, a candle light. He drops both from the 3rd floor and recognices
that they are reaching the ground at the same time. Ivan Ivanovich, great
russian scientific writes in his book: A theomometer falls with the speed
of light.
--------------------------
From: e_p@unl.edu (edgar pearlstein)
The engineer thinks of his equations as an approximation to reality.
The physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations.
The mathematician doesn't care.
--------------------------
From: linneman@rulcde.LeidenUniv.nl (Stefan Linnemann)
An Englishman, a Dutchman and a Belgian are sitting in a cafe. The conversation
turns to submarines and the Englishman says: "Our submarines are so good, they
can go for a week underwater without the need to resurface.". The Dutchman,
not about to let this go uncommented, says: "Well, _our_ submarines are much
better, they can go underwater for a month before they resurface.". Then
the Belgian, no less a patriot, retorts: "That's nothing, that absolutely
nothing. We've launched submarines for years now, and none of them have
resurfaced yet."
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of eunet.jokes by:
danieln@sybase.com (Daniel Nitschke)
--------------------------
From: shin@dios.demon.co.uk (Shin Dio)
Q:How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just write a book called "Coping with Darkness".
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of eunet.jokes by:
LBennett:El Segundo
--------------------------
From: jimj@contractor.EBay.Sun.COM (Jim Jones) and others
What do you call a scouser with a suit on?
The defendant.
How do you make a scouser-style omelette?
First, steal six eggs...
--------------------------
From: clmeier@lili8.uni-bielefeld.de (Clemens Meier)
Air traffic controller to Aer Lingus flight approching Heathrow
"Flight AE327 please state your height and position"
Captain AE327 "Well, I'm 5 foot 6 and I'm up the front"
Redskin Green: Tower, this is Redskin Green, can you give
me a rough timecheck?
Tower : Today it's Tuesday, Sir.
--------------------------
There's a ring at Van Vollenhove's door. Pieter opens up the door and finds
himself looking into the eyes of a little man who introduces himself as
piano-tuner. "But I didn't order a piano-tuner," says Pieter. Says the little
man: "I know, but your neighbours did."
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of eunet.jokes by:
Leigh_Smith.XSIS@Xerox.com
--------------------------
From: steve@cee.hw.ac.uk (Steve Salvini)
Subject: Unixisms
unix% cigarette?
No match.
--------------------------
From: mats@gar.no (Mats Tande)
% scan for [["Arnold Schwarzenegger"^J^D
"Arnold Schwarzenegger": [[ terminator not found
% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% sleep with me
bad character
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% cat 'the can of tuna'
cat: cannot open the can of tuna
$ mkdir matter; cat]matter
matter: cannot create
$ drink [bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of eunet.jokes by:
Kelly Hall [hall@leopard.cs.byu.edu]
--------------------------
From: metzemak@victor (Timo METZEMAKERS [93-94])
Subj: Re: Musical jokes...
Q: You are in a desert, haven't drunk anything for two days and are
about to die of thirst. Suddenly you see two guitarists. One is
playing in tune, the other one not. Which one will you ask for water?
A: The second guitarist of course; the first one is obviously a
mirage.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Oppurtunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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